Oftentimes, when one is viewing art, it is difficult to tell whether or not something is really avant-garde or just really awful. I have come up with a brilliant way of answering this age old question. As you glance around the room at the exhibits (Jesus made of feces, score provided by accompanied by a dgieridoo and three crying Chinese women, perhaps), ask yourself: do I FEEL like I’m in a mockumentary right now? If the answer is yes, then it’s really bad. If it’s no, it’s worth further investigation.
It is helpful, in this case, to have at least rudimentary knowledge of mockumentaries. A quick rundown: Christopher Guest is the undisputed king of the mockumentary genre, having directed such classics as Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show. The latter, about show dogs and their obsessive owners, is amazing, but my personal favorite is This is Spinal Tap, which is pitch-perfect in its imitation of 80s Hair bands. A hidden gem of the genre is Drop Dead Gorgeous, starring Kirsten Dunst and Denise Richards (I know, I know). This one follows small town Minnesota beauty pageant participants and is disturbingly quotable. “Fucking…beauty queens blowing chunks everywhere.”
Why, you ask, would I need to know the difference between really avant-garde and really awful? I’m going to let you in on a little secret: when it comes to art, nobody really knows what the fuck they’re talking about. The key is making it sound like you do. This rule is almost ENTIRELY foolproof (no rule is universal), so if you settle on an answer, just use some flowery, pretentious words in close proximity and you’re good to go. It’s actually really empowering.
For example:
A: Really avant-garde
“Goldfish on a Hunger Strike is so reflective of the insatiable appetites of the postmodern world, and also the insularity of technology and socio-cultural practices. We’re all in gl-ahhhh-ss bowls.”
B: Really awful
“These flowerpots decoupaged with pictures of Kirk Cameron’s face and spattered with Tabasco are WACK! Let’s go drink tequila.”
Words of wisdom for the day, and it didn’t even cost you anything! Look at that.
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