Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

A Great Disclaimer

October 17, 2019

Please note: a gun is used onstage, and gunshots are heard offstage, during the show. Additionally, herbal cigarettes are used in this production.

Post-Script from Friday

October 16, 2019

Just a little update to my Friday post: My husband generously pointed out to me that while my post was “good,” I flubbed one thing, which is that Jesus did not say outright he had come to supplant the law.  Rather, he said, during the Sermon on the Mount, that he had come to “fulfill” it.  What exactly does that mean?  Of course, Jesus liked to speak in parables, so the enigmatic statement was left to be clarified by his Apostles later: in Acts 15, when Paul and Barnabas go to the Council at Jerusalem, long story short, they proclaim that the laws of Moses have been abolished (to put it heavy-handedly) and that people shall be saved “through the grace of our Lord Jesus” alone.  So, while the point of my phrasing was correct––Christians do not consider Hebraic law to apply to them (nor do Hebrews!)––the literal phrasing of it––that Jesus said this outright––was wrong.  Sorry!  I am going to leave up my mistake for all to see because that’s how big a person I am!

HAPPY BLOG-IVERSARY!

June 4, 2019

Dear ones!  (I just read a great takedown of Elizabeth Gilbert so that’s tongue-in-cheek.)  Guess what?  This blog has been alive for 10 years TODAY!  Remember this first post, in which I implored people not to read?  Luckily, a vast majority of the planet’s population got that memo!  If you’re still on board with me here, please meet me for drinks at 11 PM tonight at the American Colony Hotel, Louis Vincent Street 1, Jerusalem.  L’chaim!

Found!

October 22, 2018

Do you guys remember Found Magazine?  Turns out it still exists, I just haven’t thought about it in a while.  I used to send shit to them all the time!  And I still enjoy the odd found piece of ephemera.  The other day, while walking down a particularly stretch of road in Red Hook, Brooklyn, I found a crumpled piece of paper that had fallen out of what was clearly someone’s printed novel manuscript.  Herewith, the excerpt––what do we think?  Is it good?

“Adam didn’t even want to let her in,” the old woman continues, as though Ava hadn’t spoken.  “But I thought: Why not, after all these years.  What harm could it really do.”  She gives a rueful laugh.  “She used to make fun of me for that.  How gullible I was.  People don’t really change, in the end.  Do they.  My mother––she was a psychoanalyst––used to tell me that.  They may defy expectations.  But they don’t change.”

She is leaning against the door now, her eyes distant behind her glasses.  “But of course.  I thought there still was a chance.  I brought her upstairs, all smiles and welcome.  Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

Ava blinks.  “Boy?”

“Nothing.”  The thin lips twist bitterly.  “Just my own gullibility.  I gave her iced tea and a bit of lemon shortbread.”  She is staring not at Ava, but at the table between them.  “When she first apologized, I thought it was simply over never having said goodbye to us.  You see, she’d come to see me before I left.  She brought me a book.  And she’d promised to come back, but she never did.”  She shakes her head.  “When she told me she’d really been spying on us, at first I didn’t understand.  I thought she was making some sort of horrid joke.  But then she was crying, and saying how ashamed she was of her behavior, and how she wanted to apologize to Franz in person as well.  And I finally put it together: the Gestapo took my brother away because she’d given him away to them.  It was her fault.”

She takes a sharp, shaking breath in.  “I told her Franz was dead.  That they’d come for him because of her.”  She locks eyes with Ava, unblinking.  “I told her she was a murderer.”

This is from page 439, by the way.  For whatever that’s worth.  I guess it’s a climax, of sorts.  I mean, if calling someone a murderer isn’t at least an extremely dramatic moment, I don’t know what is.

Goals

May 17, 2018

EP: I want to watch more home invasion movies

Speak Truth to Power

January 16, 2018

AC: Honestly, I feel like you know your youth is over the first time you buy from Everlane.

Contact Boxes

December 3, 2017

If you have a contact form on your website, which I do, sometimes you get some really interesting and hilarious shit.  For example, a rabbi friend of mine received this inquiry recently:

Dear Rabbi: I’m an amateur wrestler, 59 years old, 6′-0″ tall, 155 pounds. I’m seeking Cantors & Rabbis as private opponents for pro style wrestling matches [sic] at [REDACTED], Utah. 25-69 years old, 5′-7″ to 6′-6″ tall, 160-330 pounds. My homne address is – [REDACTED]. Hope to hear from you soon.

Okay so I have many, many questions about this, first and foremost being: why would the potential opponents need his home address?  Is he just expecting said rabbis to show up at his house?  (I looked the emailer up, and confirmed that he is a real person and that he has recently put out similar opponent calls for “husky men,” referees and ring announcers, coaches, and truck drivers.)

Kind of want to make a documentary about him.  I like to think of this fellow as just a lovable super fan, and not some Tickled-type creep-o.  Just a man with a dream!

A Gem

March 12, 2017

I don’t usually read letters to the editor, but in a recent New Yorker, I happened upon this one, which I thought was quite astute:

“As a child psychologist, I find Barry Blitt’s cover depicting Donald Trump in a child’s limo terribly sad.  It suggests that the problem with Trump is that he is a child.  this is an affront to children everywhere: children are not inherently narcissistic, ignorant, cruel or vindictive.  They tend to accept other human beings with an open mind and heart, without prejudice.  Would that a five-year-old were our President.”

Timing?

January 3, 2017

Dear Telegraph Newspaper,

I appreciate you giving Hanukah a little ink during Christmas’s relentless reign of glory, but don’t you think it would have been easy enough to publish an explanatory article BEFORE the holiday started?

screen-shot-2017-01-01-at-9-50-11-am

Yours Truly,

ID

Home Alone Drinking Game

November 29, 2016

My husband’s law school classmate MB, who is OBVIOUSLY a genius, shared his incredible Home Alone  drinking game, which I am now sharing with you.  As much as I hate to mark anything a rival to Intervention Drinking Game (or WKCDS Drinking Game, for that matter!), I’m forced to admit that this one, adapted for both Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, is a real standout in the field.  True props to you, MB.  Everyone who can (sigh) enjoy some eggnog and a little group fun this holiday season, but play responsibly!  (I am a liquor company rep in my spare time, after all, so I’m required to say that.)

For the sake of convenience, I have adapted for both “Home Alone” and “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” (with substitute rules for the latter in brackets).
In order to play, please write each number of the list below on a separate notecard. Before the game, have each player select a predetermined number of cards. The suggested number of cards is 4-6 per player, but really, who can say what is appropriate? Anything over 10 cards per person and you’re getting into “Drunk Uncle on Mulled Wine” territory though. When playing in large groups, it may be advisable to create multiples of the list below, as that will encourage a more social holiday drinking experience, with more than one person drinking per specified event.
As a refresher, until the start of the “Home Invasion Round” (at which point all players drink together), if the event described on a card occurs, the player who has drawn that card is required to drink. The world famous “Home Invasion Round” begins when the Trans-Siberian Orchestra kicks in, and we get a montage of Kevin McCallister preparing to horribly maim, murder, and dismember Harry and Marv. From that point onward, ALL players drink every time that they believe that the Wet Bandits should have conceivably succumbed to their injuries. For instance, when Kevin hits Marv with a brick directly in the temple from a six story building, all players would drink, as Marv would likely suffer from severe traumatic brain damage and would likely die from internal bleeding.
The game ends when the final credits roll. All players are winners.
Here is the 2016 list:
1. Drink every time Uncle Frank is an asshole
2. Drink every time an on screen character speaks French
3. Scary Shovel Man Sighting! [Creepy Bird Lady sighting!]
4. Drink every time Kevin uses a TalkBoy
5. Drink every time Kevin commits credit card fraud
6. Tarantula sighting! [Future President of the United States sighting!]
7. Drink for every transparent 1990s product placement (Pepsi, American Airlines, the Plaza Hotel, TalkBoy, etc.)
8. Drink every time Kevin eats or orders pizza
9. Drink every time “Angels with Filthy Souls” [or “Angels with Filthy Souls 2”] is played. ***BONUS: Communal Drink when Kevin uses the audio to fool another character***
10. Drink every time the Home Alone theme song plays (masterfully crafted by John Williams)!
11. Drink for bad parenting from Kevin’s mom
12. Drink for all other instances of bad parenting – also includes references to previous debacles (i.e John Candy recalling leaving his child at a funeral parlor)
13. Drink for bad police work
14. Drink for every scene Kevin is in his terrifying basement. [Drink for every scene Kevin is in terrifying 1990s Central Park.]
15. MAKE A RULE! Whoever draws this card gets to make a rule that applies to every other player during the game.
16. Drink every time John Candy’s character plays or references polka. [Drink every time Rob Schneider’s character asks for or references a tip.]
17. Drink every time someone knocks over the McCallister’s porch statue. [Drink for Duncan’s Toy Chest sighting!]
18. Drink when Kevin evades apprehension for theft.
19. “Buzz, your girlfriend – woof!” [“Grown men come into the park and don’t make it out alive.”]
20. Drink every time someone screams “KEVIN!”

 

PS: Don’t be a dick and pretend you made this up!  All credit to the drunk wizard that is MB!