Archive for May, 2014

I Need This

May 29, 2014

I can’t remember this stuff for shit.

Hugs and kisses to whomever finds it.

Hugs and kisses to whomever finds it.

Artistic Mixology

May 28, 2014

“If there were visitors, Toulouse-Lautrec would proudly mix up a few rounds of his infamous cocktails; the artist was smitten with American mixed drinks, which were still a novelty in France at the time, and he liked to invent his own concoctions––assembled not for complementary flavors but for their vivid colors and extreme potency.  (One of his inventions was the Maiden Blush, a combination of absinthe, mandarin, bitters, red wine, and champagne.  He wanted the sensation, he said, of a ‘peacock’s tail in the mouth.’)”

I don’t know, those flavors sound pretty complementary to me.


May 27, 2014

I wrote an article about an all women’s ambulance service starting in Hasidic Boro Park, and the editor wanted it to be really straight reportage, so I had to delete this scene which I thought was simply wonderful.  YOU’RE WELCOME, PEOPLE:

On the gray, slushy afternoon of December 23rd, 2012, twenty-six women from all over Brooklyn gather in the cafeteria of a religious girls’ school in Borough Park. They are there to attend a meeting of Ezras Nashim, a nascent ambulance service staffed only by women that plans to serve female members of the Orthodox Jewish community in Borough Park, and eventually all of Brooklyn. On the medicinal pink walls are crinkled posters of Biblical scenes and an advertisement for a book called Seams and Souls: A Dressing, Altering and Sewing Guide for the Modest Woman. The women trickle in one by one, many after the meeting was set to begin. They greet each other warmly and inquire about the paperwork being handed around. “You’re so good, saying your tehillim!” one woman coos to another. Finally, a small but commanding lady, Rachel Freier, takes the stage.

Freier gives everyone a rundown of the latest developments. Despite the fact that the hospital training session at North Shore–LIJ, slated for three months prior, has been postponed indefinitely, other initiatives are chugging along. The group is officially a 501(c)3, which will help enormously when it comes to applying for much-needed funding. (Any money donated, she points out, counts as tzedekah.) There’s a hush in the room when Freier mentions a former member of the group who first introduced the idea of abuse awareness. “We are going to be mandated reporters, and we have to take this very seriously, “ Freier says. “We are also working under my law license.” An older woman wearing a black hat comments in a hushed tone from the sideline, where she sits knitting. Freier, consummately poised and efficient in her speech, reminds everyone that they must submit their immunization records immediately, at which point members of the audiences cry out excuses.

By way of a pep talk, Freier reminds the women that they are all “pioneers.” “Keep on davening that we should be successful!”

At the end of her speech, she introduces Sally Mendelsohn as the meeting’s guest speaker. Mendelsohn, a former faculty member at the graduate school of Midwifery at NYU, looks very chic, with her buzz cut salt-and-pepper hair and her all-black outfit reminiscent of Funny Face. In one hand she carries a cloth black baby doll, in the other a copy of a book titled Emergency Childbirth, written specifically, she says, for firefighters. She uses the baby doll to illustrate the four stages of labor in chronological order, focusing on the things that might have been glossed over, or absent entirely, from the course textbook the women would have used in their EMT class. She lists things they might need when attending to a woman giving birth, such as newspapers, a bowl (“for the placenta”) or plastic sheets, to which one woman enthusiastically responds, “Every frum home has a plastic tablecloth!”

The audience is slightly unruly, interrupting often with questions and personal anecdotes, requesting that Mendelsohn explain any anomalous situation that could possibly arise. She patiently steers them back toward the doll––acquired during her summers working with NGOs in Rwanda––which is now descending down the birth canal. She tells them how to slip in their hands to tie the cord.

“If you don’t have a clamp…”

“Dental floss?” someone offers.


“Oy vey.”

As the meeting comes to a close, the women in the audience rush to ask Mendelsohn about pre-eclampsia, twins, and all sorts of fluids. Sally brings up an image of a water-intact membrane sac on her iPad. Women in sheitels and snoods flock to her side to see the picture. One of them tells the story of a trying birth, then lays her head affectionately on Sally’s shoulder. “Where were you when I needed you?”



May 25, 2014

If you run in certain cinephiliac crowds, you might have heard of this slim, haunting, immaculate movie Ida, which I saw Thursday.  Based on some seriously stylish jazz singers who intermittently perform throughout the flick, I’m thinking of writing something about the history of jazz in Poland.  Or, in lieu of that, I might just ogle singer Joanna Kulig, in all her white doo-wop teddy girl style glory.

Nancy Sinatra, Soviet Bloc style.

Judy Henske, Soviet Bloc style.




This is the best pic of them all.  I WANT TO BE YOU.

This is the best pic of them all. I WANT TO BE YOU.

I have been looking to no avail for the soundtrack for the past two days.  While I tend to that, you should also do yourself a favor and see Ida.  I just watched the trailer for the seventh time and almost cried AGAIN.

How Long Is Salaciously Long?

May 24, 2014

In the Babylonian Talmud, a number of rabbis got together to argue how long “the beginning of cohabitation” takes.  This is all related to the sotah––the unfaithful woman––but you need not worry yourselves about that.  What you should do is find the rabbis approximation of length of sex hilarious:

The time it takes for the mixing of a cup

The time it takes to drink a cup of wine

The time it takes to roast an egg

The time it take to swallow an egg

The time it takes to swallow three eggs successively

The time it takes a weaver to tie a string

The time it takes a woman to extend her hand into her mouth and remove a splinter that was stuck between her teeth

The time it takes a woman to extend her hand into a basket and remove a loaf of bread

You Know You’re a Nerd When…

May 22, 2014

Your dream vacation destinations are the Harry Ransom Center in Austin and Heidelberg, Germany, to see the Prinzhorn Collection.

Filed Under: Essays That Nobody Would Publish

May 19, 2014

It’s… a longer story than the subject line would suggest.

The Irresistible, Unknowable Maeve Brennan

In the novella Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Truman Capote describes Holly Golightly’s pageboy coif as containing “strands of albino-blond and yellow,” but of course, we all know Holly looks exactly like Audrey Hepburn, with her slim black sheath and enormous brown pouf of hair balanced atop her head. If that is what Capote had intended, then perhaps the model for the character, as some have speculated, was Maeve Brennan, the Irish-born writer best known for her New Yorker Talk of the Town pieces published from 1954 to 1981 under the pseudonym “The Long-Winded Lady.” The physical resemblance between the two is almost uncanny: Brennan, like Hepburn, is fine-boned, with delicate features, an expressive mouth, and an immaculately coiled bun. In one portrait of her, Brennan stands outside a shop window, clutching a straw hat and wearing a fitted black coat. She gazes in at the merchandise beyond her grasp, much like Golightly did while chomping on a croissant outside Tiffany’s.

But the thing is that Maeve isn’t Holly––or at least, this connection can’t be verified in any way. The theory comes from Brennan’s biography Homesick at the New Yorker, in which writer Angela Bourke suggests that Capote, who also worked The New Yorker and Harper’s Bazaar, used young Brennan as a muse. Indeed, both the fictional American geisha and the real Irish writer possessed a famous wit, an impish beauty and the air of whimsy, but Brennan is hardly the only one in the running. Dancer Joan McCracken, models Suzy Parker and Dorian Leigh, Gloria Vanderbilt, even Capote himself may have served as the model for, or at least contributed inspiration to, the flighty protagonist of his beloved story. (Capote was typically coy when asked.) And yet when the novelist Emma O’Donoghue’s play about Brennan premiered in June of 2012, many Irish publications said Brennan was “widely considered” to be the source for Golightly. In the Irish Herald, writer Tanya Sweeney went so far as to proclaim that, “[Brennan] was the Irish girl credited as the inspiration for Breakfast at Tiffany’s Holly Golightly.”

This leap from speculation to accepted-fact isn’t criminal––just the result of a game of literary telephone––but the urgency to cast Brennan in that glamorous role speaks to a renewed love affair that the Irish are enjoying with one of their most stylish unsung talents (“Our Maeve,” Sweeney endearingly calls her.) The most recent artist to rediscover Brennan is Eamon Morrissey, Irish actor whose charming if sketchy one-man show Maeve’s House is playing at the Irish Arts Center until November 3rd. The performance opens with Morrissey riding the subway from Brooklyn Heights to Wall Street in 1966. He is reading a short story of Brennan’s in The New Yorker and realizes that the story is set in the house where the Brennan family lived until Maeve was 17. It also happens to be the house where Morrissey himself grew up, his family having purchased it after the Brennans moved to Washington, D.C. Morrissey is smitten with Brennan, and her prose’s ability to transport him instantly to his childhood home in the suburbs of Dublin. Indeed, Brennan’s short stories, which Alice Munro called “pure and strong,” seem to have that transitive quality for many of her fellow countrymen, natives and expats alike. A vast majority of her stories are uniform in cast and setting. Her principle characters––alternately called the Bagots and the Derdons––are obvious fictional stand-ins for her family. They are all plain Irish folk who seethe under the surface with unexpressed resentments. She returns always to the landscape is always that of her homeland, a green isle so full of mirth and hopelessness, as if she’s trying to uncover a secret, perhaps to the essence of a poetic and troubled people Freud once denounced as “impervious to psychoanalysis.”

Maeve Brennan is the kind of writer that Past Me, who plays more of a role in my current life than I sometimes would like to admit, would have instantaneously idolized. She was beautiful, droll, and mysterious. Her origins were financially humble but historically impressive––her father was an Irish nationalist who spent much of Maeve’s childhood hiding from the British government––and she counted among her best friends Gerald and Sara Murphy, Edward Albee and William Maxwell. Maxwell, possibly her closest friend and editor, wrote of her fashion sense, “To be around her was to see style invented.” But for all her gifts, Brennan slowly came apart at the seams. After the demise of her short marriage to fellow New Yorker writer St. Clair McKelway, a notorious womanizer and drinker who suffered from bipolar disorder, she began to deteriorate in ways that suggested she and her ex shared some demons: she drank heavily, gave away bundles of money to strangers on the street, and became paranoid and delusional. She had always moved incessantly from place to place––she labeled herself a “traveler in residence”––but she began to do so more frequently, and without notifying anyone of her whereabouts. Brennan spent the last twenty years of her life wandering from seedy Times Square hotel to seedy Times Square hotel, occasionally taking up residence in the ladies’ room at The New Yorker, before living out her final days in a nursing home in Queens.

It’s not exactly a life a healthy person would want to emulate, but it’s tortured-artist glamor at its apex, the kind of story a biographer would jump at the chance to tackle. And yet as I read Bourke’s book, I was struck not by the fact that Brennan’s life was being revealed to me, but instead that I felt the distance between us grow more and more pronounced. Even Brennan’s nonfiction, including letters she wrote to close friends like Maxwell, has an arm’s-length quality. Her “Long-Winded Lady” pieces, while funny and engaging, are so manically detailed that one gets the sense that she is using her cleverness to hide from something. I felt this same heightened awareness of Brennan’s inscrutability while watching Morrissey recount, in Long-Winded Lady-esque detail, the one lunch they shared. One lunch and one shared address is a tenuous connection upon which to base a seventy-minute play, but I wasn’t eager to blame Morrissey for stretching. In fact, I sympathized, for I understood what it is to fall under the spell of Maeve Brennan, the pixie barfly with the sharp tongue. When we encounter people like her––those “fabulous yellow roman candles” Kerouac famously called them––we often want to get very close to them and figure out what makes them so damn special. We want a little of that elan to rub off on us, the Derdons and Bagots of the world. Sometimes we want to protect them, even posthumously, from hardships they often court yet seem incapable of weathering. Maybe, if she had been of sound mind, Maeve could have told us––or Maxwell, or Bourke, or someone––where she went when she disappeared, or why she never moved back to the Ireland that so possessed her thoughts. Maybe she could have admitted that she was sometimes lonely, hiding behind a big martini glass, watching the City pass her by all those afternoons. Her illness, however, robbed her of that ability. While residing at the nursing home, as Morrissey sadly announces at the end of his play, Brennan was often surprised to hear that she had once been a famous writer. This, to me, is the great tragedy of the Maeve Brennan story: mental illness not only made her unreachable to us, but it made her unreachable to herself.


May 16, 2014

I want this Grace Coddington shirt.

How much?

How much?

I think I’m going to try to draw my own portrait of Grace right now…

Texts From a Friend Who Just Broke Off an Engagement

May 15, 2014

MWL: The things people say to me these days…

MWL: Returned a wedding dress to ModCloth, and they told me “time heals all wounds”

MWL: Changed my policy with geico and the agent said, “OK!  You’re Miss Independent now!”

A Recipe for Insomnia

May 14, 2014

Thinking about––The theme from “Le Locataire,” by Philippe Sarde, Chopin’s Ballade 1, Three Women, Anne Sexton, Agnes Richter, handwritten notes, unpaid bills, unwritten notes, freshly baked biscuits