Archive for April, 2014

Day After Birthday

April 29, 2014

Thinking, as usual, about my current real estate obsession, the Villa Charlotte Bronte.

“To get to one apartment, you have to go down two flights toward the Hudson, then turn right and go up two flights to the front door. Another front door is behind a small arched grotto. A third is at the end of a thin, high-flying concrete walkway with a skinny iron railing, cantilevered out over a long and nasty drop to the railroad tracks below.

“The two buildings are like a fantasy sand castle for the Amalfi coast designed by M. C. Escher. The exterior is artfully roughened stucco, with irregular brick, odd stones and bulbous roof tile in a tangle of orange, green, blue and red, as if by Antonio Gaudí. Each apartment has at least three exposures through steel casement windows, with a private entrance and a wood-burning fireplace. The Hudson River views range from sliver to sumptuous. The complex is surrounded by a network of walkways threaded through lush planted areas.”

Aw Shit

April 25, 2014

Black perfume!

Can someone make a black cocktail, while we're at it?

Can someone make a black cocktail, while we’re at it?


April 24, 2014

And seriously considering applying for this gig:

Writer for Mad Men Themed Adult Film (Midtown)

compensation: $500-1000 if scene is produced, plus competitive weekly pay for staff writers if hired
Looking for a writer for scenes [or entire production] for a large scale production, Mad Men (AMC) themed adult film.

Unfortunately due to preproduction agreements, we cannot release many details of the production. We are one of the five largest adult film production companies in the United States, and we’re beginning preproduction for a few popular TV series adult film (see: porn) spoofs, but, to be frank, our writers aren’t living up to our standards.

Are you a fan of adult films and AMC’s hit Mad Men? Can you write a decent piece of fan fiction that ends in a steamy hookup?

Send us:
One [or more, if you’re ambitious] piece of fan fiction for Mad Men, a lead in scene for an adult film. Maybe Peggy storms into Don’s office. Maybe Joan and Roger on the stairs at Sterling/Cooper. It’s up to you. We’re looking for explicit, sexual, provocative and Mad Men-referencial. Get ridiculous.
And send any experience you have in writing, though being a huge fan will go a long ways, trust us.

File Formats accepted: .pdf, Final Draft documents, .doc, .docx, .pages

If you’re scene is put into production, we pay. If we REALLY like what you’re doing, we’re hiring staff writers. Need these ASAP, as we want to hit production very quickly.

We’re also hiring for our Game of Thrones (HBO) themed adult film.

Struggling Through

April 23, 2014

I hate what I am writing right now, but I have to just bang it out.  What I’d like to do is look at blogs all day.  The blogosphere is aflutter over the news that People magazine chose angel Lupita Nyong’o as their Most Beautiful Person.  I’m sort of disappointed that a contrarian feminist writer (paging Roxane Gay!) didn’t write an op-ed titled: “Why Do We Even Have Most Beautiful Lists Anymore?  And Who Even Reads People?  AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DAMN MALAYSIAN AIRPLANE?”


April 21, 2014

If William Faulkner were alive, he’d get an artistic restraining order against James Franco.

How to Spend Sunny Afternoons

April 20, 2014

Contemplating, not for the first time, whether or not the menstrual blood sex scene in Endless Love has anything to do with the halakhic idea of a woman being niddah, what with “Scott Spencer’s” constant pitting of the Butterfields’ WASPiness against the semitic Axelrods.

Good… Er, Decent Company?

April 17, 2014

“Also, [John Cheever’s mother] had a ‘primitive horror of being photographed,’ such that her own son had little idea what she’d looked like as a younger woman until, one day, he discovered her portrait in an old Woman’s Club program; when asked about it, she explained that her look of composure had been managed by holding her infant son––John himself––on her lap.  (‘I was cropped’).*  At the time, it might have seemed liek so much winsome eccentricity, but it was less amusing later, when Cheever himself became a virtual prisoner of anxiety.  ‘I blame her, I do,’ he wrote a week after her death in 1956, ‘for having conveyed some of her morbid fears to me.’

“*A home movie survives from the thirties or forties in which Cheever’s mother is seen walking briskly past the camera with a tight smile.  When the photographer persists, she thrusts a hand toward the lends.  One thinks of Honora Wapshot: ‘In all the family albums she appeared either with her back to the camera as she ran away or with her face concealed by her hands, her handbag, her hat or a newspaper.”

Kindergarten Poetry

April 16, 2014

Last night at a Seder I sat across the table from a beautiful little girl.  She had enormous bright eyes, a plucky attitude, and curly hair that was highlighted so perfectly there could be no doubt no one had ever put chemicals in her tresses.  She knew she was cute, and beamed at me whenever I directed questions at her.  “How old are you?” for instance.  She said four, but she would be five soon.  “When is your birthday?”  “In the fall,” she said.  “When in the fall?” I asked.  “When the leaves fall.”

Happy Almost-Birthday/Passover

April 15, 2014
They're ready to go!

They’re ready to go!

A Tweet

April 10, 2014

I want to have a roundtable on social media with Jonathan Franzen and Fran Lebowitz.  I probably should get some people to represent the other side, but why bother?