Archive for the ‘Fashion Blogging for Toddlers’ Category

You Don’t Need That, Either

May 20, 2019

In the past few years, I’ve read myriad lists of what you NEED to buy for a baby, many written by people who claim expertise for one reason or another (they have kids, they write about having kids, or both).  This latest, by writer Emily Gould, attempts to once again be the last word on what you need when you have a baby, and she does a good deed by naysaying some of the things people believe are essential but aren’t really (like baby monitors, particularly if you live in small dwellings) and yet it, too, includes a number of things that are not necessary.  I know no one will read this, but allow me to be, once and for all, the most minimalist of all minimalist parents and tell you what you really and truly need:

  1. Baby clothes.  Ideally kimono-style onesies.  ZERO pairs of infant socks.  They will inevitably fall off.  Burn all the infant socks you get on a tiny bonfire.  Zutano-style booties are only option for infants.
  2. A baby carrier.  It doesn’t really matter what kind.
  3. A carseat
  4. A bassinet or crib.
  5. ZERO SLEEP SACKS OR SWADDLES OF ANY KIND.  Yes, you heard that correctly.  You can swaddle your baby in little blankets until they start fighting them, and then you can wean them off swaddles as early as four months.  I actually think these swaddles are doubly egregious as a “must have” baby item, because so many basically guarantee they’ll put your children to sleep and of course, no product is magical like that.
  6. You don’t need a baby bathtub.  Use the sink until they can sit, then use a regular bathtub.
  7. Some kind of seat for the baby: we have a Bjorn bouncy chair, and it’s great.
  8. NO BREASTFEEDING PILLOW.  Use a regular fucking pillow, it is the same thing. 
  9. Bottles.
  10. For mom: at least one pair of shoes you don’t need to bend down to put on or lace up.

THAT IS LITERALLY IT.  Don’t even make a registry.  You’re welcome.

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New Fashion Inspo

February 18, 2019

The Amish have been fashion fodder before, but I’m going to do one better and declare that my new look this summer is MEXICAN MENNONITE.

Yes, there are Mennonites in Mexico, approximately 100,000 of them, mostly in Chihuahua and Durango.  They’re from Russia via Canada, the former of which might explain the cool headscarves these little girls wear.  Their clothes seem to differ from their Midwestern American counterparts in that the dresses are brighter and more often patterned, the hats are big, and the sleeves can sometimes be short.    The dresses look like Batsheva creations, jo?  Which, in truth, I’m not really that into.  I think I just like these hats!

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By the way, this obsession was brought on by watching Silent Light, a rather amazing film about Chihuahuan Mennonites in Mexico, starring a number of locals there.  Don’t you think there should be a name for movies featuring non-professional actors playing basically/borderline-themselves?  Like, autofiction, but for film?  Examples include: Menashe, Krisha, this film, and many others I don’t have the time to compile here.  If there is a term for this, please do let me know.

Peak Brooklyn

January 24, 2019

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Being Woke Never Solved Shit

January 7, 2019

Remember when you were a child and you just read funny books about animals and you didn’t really think much of it?  But now it’s 2019 and you’re an adult and aware of things like colonialism, and then you read Babar and Curious George to your kid and you think, “Hm, the white man captures the animal from his happy jungle home and forces him to conform to societal norms he doesn’t understand, and fetishizes him or locks him up when he fails to follow the rules?  Is this just a veiled commentary on the history of white oppression in foreign territories?  Is Babar just a stand-in for Pocahontas, who was paraded throughout 17th century England as the ‘civilized savage’?  If George––human name, btw––were a person would he end up in a human zoo?  Oh, for fuck’s sake.  Liberalism is why we can’t have nice things!”

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ICYMI, it says “In the evening, after dinner, [Babar] tells the Old Lady’s friends all about his life in the great forest.”

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Curious George’s curiosity gets him fucking POACHED.

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Sure, it LOOKS innocent and fun, but the white man runs the zoo.

 

Get Me This Shirt

October 29, 2018

Anyone who has seen Synecdoche, New York and doesn’t think it perfectly encapsulates the despair of human existence I sadly must unfriend.

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Wouldn’t’ve Guessed!

October 17, 2018

My son really loves the Edward Gorey book The Doubtful Guest, which is great for me, because I also love Edward Gorey, and I hate reading dumb children’s books!  But I noticed today, when reading it for the umpteenth time, that when the creature is said to like “peeling the soles off his white canvas shoes,” it appears he is wearing… Converse All Stars?

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Cute!

I was like, is that possible?  I checked the copyright: the book was published first in 1957. Converses had to be from the 1970s, no?

No!  Chuck Taylors were first designed in 1917 and then redesigned in 1922, and have basically looked the same since then.  Isn’t it great when a company is like, we do this one thing really well and so we think we’ll just continue doing it this way?  (Cough *Gmail* cough.)

Some fun facts about Edward Gorey, while we’re on the subject:

*His roommate at Harvard was poet Frank O’Hara

*Although people often thought he was British for obvious reasons, he only traveled outside the US once in his life

*He was probably asexual

*The music video for Nine Inch Nails’s “The Perfect Drug” was designed to look Gorey-esque (didn’t succeed if you ask me, but I guess you didn’t)

Princess Diana’s Burka!

August 30, 2018

I know it’s sort of lame to publish two image-only things in such short succession but YOU HAVE TO SEE this sketch for the BURKA Princess Diana was contemplating wearing on an official visit to Saudi Arabia!

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Honestly this is super cute.

Also I love how the Telegraph article is like “it has emerged” that this is what she was thinking.  This information just popped up and was deemed relevant or somehow interesting more than twenty years after her death?  Honestly, who cares?

Curmudgeons I Love

June 15, 2018

Two brief anecdotes, to begin:

1. When I was in high school, my French horn teacher (I know, I know), a sweet but wan young woman who lived with her mother, often wore latex gloves just like, around.  I was always very curious about this: was she OCD?  Was she trying to protect her precious instrument-playing fingers?

2. Right before the release of my book, my editor, my agent, the publicist at my agent’s office, and I went out for coffee to discuss pre-book buzz.  One of the things that came up was potential blurbers––you know, people who provide one or two lines of praise you can slap on the book jacket.  Because Lionel Shriver had recently written a book about her brother’s obesity (my book was about weight issues, to put it broadly), someone suggested her.  My agent got a grave look on her face, and silently and slowly shook her head, “No.”

The reason she did that, I later learned, is because Lionel Shriver is fucking terrifying!  She’s also at the moment (and maybe just generally?) loathed, for lots of un-zeitgeist-y views and what appears to be a broad disdain for people.  At times in interviews, she refutes that, but mostly the impression she gives off is that of a reed thin, slightly eccentric battle-ax.

Recently I was reading old profiles of her because I find her whole persona mesmerizing, and I noticed that she’s often photographed wearing cheap knit gloves.  She reminds me immediately of a strict Muslim who just forgot to wear a burqa but remember to cover her hands.  One article I read said she wears them because she refuses to pay for heating in her house; another said she had a circulation disease.  Is it possible she just wears them to bolster the “weirdo” image?  I get the sense she thinks of herself as very authentic, and not that she isn’t, but there is also a delight evident in knowing that she is very different from the rest of us bare-handed mite brains.

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Who Wore It Better

April 25, 2018

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All thanks to my brilliant husband for pointing this out.  Also this gave me an excuse to re-watch The Holy Mountain trailer and may I just say, *raises gathered fingers to puckered lips* mwah.  Exquisite.

Parents at New Year’s

December 21, 2017

[Redacted]: Do you guys have plans NYE?

ID: No.  You?

[Redacted]: My niece is going to bbsit until like 10-1030 and we are gonna go out to dinner then just come back and try to stay up til midnight hahah – wondering if you all want to come out and stay over? We can out kids down then go out to eat? Just a thought!

ID: We’re into this!  What time would you like us out there?  IMHO we wouldn’t want it be so early that we’re in your hair, but we also wouldn’t want it be late and have us end up on the train with too many drunken revelers.  Your call.

[Redacted Other Person]:  I love this idea!  There is some chance I’ll have to work. (I am definitely working Xmas day). But we’ll take that as it comes!

[Redacted]: we are usually done w naps by 330ish so after that would be best and I can scoop you from train with the infant car seat whenever works for you.  Kids can have dinner and play here/ do whatever until bedtime. Re: working, we have a “desk” area in our “guest suite” so if you need to power up here thats no prob. Also have Mad baby gear and pack n play! 2018 guys!

[Redacted]: Plus obviously weed cigs champagne

[ROP]: Weeds, cigs, champagne, pack n play, nap time.  Fuckin 2018 man.

[Redacted]: Bring it onnnnn.  (Especially nap time.)