I don’t know why but I’m really relating to this two-headed sheep right now.
Archive for September, 2013
Hated by New York Magazine and beloved by yours truly, Anna Nicole has been the biggest ticket in town since… well, Tuesday. Herewith, the synopsis of Act I. I won’t give away the ending, I promise!
Scene Zero: A three-bar overture
Scene One: America Sings
Anna is introduced. She is fabulous. And eccentric. Fabulously eccentric.
Scene Two: “No! It’s Mu-hay-uh!”
Anna establishes one thing: she was born in a town called Mexia, pronounced “Mu-HAY-ah.” This phonetic problem is the town’s main claim to fame and is incorporated in the town’s motto: “A great place no matter how you pronounce it!” Anna wants out. Big time!
Scene Three: “Hey We’re Family!”
We meet the family: most importantly, Anna’s mother, Virgie, and her son, Daniel. Mom Virgie frowns at Anna’s life but her heart always melts for the cataclysmically cute Daniel. Daniel is the love of Anna’s life. The Lawyer Stern is momentarily introduced and then pushed off stage. Anna, divorced and broke, heads for the bright lights of Houston. Faced with the prospect of low-wage jobs and grunt work, Anna chooses an alternative route.
Scene Four: Falling in Loath Again
Anna enters the world of the “Gentlemen’s Club.” The earning potential is vast. All cash, no IRS. But there is a problem…
Scene Five: Life Implants
Problem solved: breast implants. Up side: more attention, more cash. Down side: chronic back pain for the rest of her life. On returning to the Gentlemen’s Club, Anna soars. And she meets the holy of holies: the Rich One. We meet the oilman, J. Howard Marshall II. Marshall falls under her spell. He wants Anna. He takes Anna. Her life is transformed. She asks for a ranch. But… there ain’t no such thing as a free ranch.
Scene Six: American Dreaming
Anna gets the ranch but it didn’t come for free. The world opens up for Anna. With the prospect of unlimited cash, she seethes with ambition.
Scene Seven: Marriage in the White Dove Chapel
Anna marries J. Howard Marshall II. Virgie (Mom) explodes with rage and disgust. No one listens. The Lawyer Stern gives Anna his card. Daniel brings Anna her pills and she looks forward to a life of wealth––and chronic back pain.
The latest (I think?) Shouts & Murmurs was hilarious. I had to read the below first question several times to figure out which one of the characters was me.
1. Julie has published two novels and is engaged; Lisa works two jobs and her landlord won’t let her buy a cat. Lisa feels __________ of her former roommate.
(e) blind rage at the thought of attending the wedding.
I’m going to start a lo-fi band and call it Lucite Bathtub.
Even though I now know that the moon doesn’t cause psychosis, I still want this phases of the moon cuff.
My former boss is hosting a goat roast. Ever received an invite to a goat roast? Me neither! Here’s what it looks like:
“As a result of experience I had in European Latin countries, and conversations that D and I have had on the subject of meats that one can grill, we’ve decided jointly to grill and barbeque a goat and organize a dish which the Italians or the Spanish call cabrito.
“We’ve already started some research with specialty butchers and instructional information respecting Latino methodology. We’ve decided for all sorts of culinary reasons not to go the spit method, although it has its charms. We’ve loaded things against ourselves as the route we’re going takes 7 hours to do as perfectly as we have planned.
The date and venue are as follows:
Date: Saturday September 28th with a rain date – only if it looks like it will pour – of Sunday September 29th.
“There will of course be Hudson Valley imbibements. Right now we’re working on some home brew. Please come and, since we are the most organized of people, let us know pretty damn quick as the goat has to be pre-ordered. We’re planning on a Hudson Valley goat for those interested in these recondite subjects.
“Goat cheese is de rigeur, but not goat’s milk… which would not be kosher! (Neither would goat cheese but we are not an Orthodox group).
“There will be some veg alternatives.
“Any dessert will be gratefully accepted, since D and I, this time, will be too busy for our normal baking specialties (pumpkins not accepted despite the season).
“Partners in any combination and of any description more than okay, with a limit of two per, since xx Something Street was voted the Most Decent Location in the Hudson Valley in the 2012 December Issue of Hudson Valley Magazine (copies available on request).
“Please do let us know.”
ID: omg i had brunch at the scientology center yesterday
MK: why did you do that
ID: two reasons
1. $12, all you can eat
MK: i’m only partially convinced
it’s at the celebrity centre in la
MK: i drove by that when i was there
looked huge and terrifying
ID: it was pretty nuts
they had some great posters
depicitng the 17 stages of enlightenment or… something like that
MK: only 17?
I haven’t posted in a WEEK, which is like, normal for every blogger in the universe but criminal for me. In any case, it’s been a hectic few days, which included: my first visit to the Chateau Marmont (wee!), brunch at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles, Yom Kippur at a ghetto Days Inn outside LA, and the discovery of these two gems.
Jerusalem Syndrome “is a group of mental phenomena involving the presence of either religiously themed obsessive ideas, delusions or other psychosis-like experiences that are triggered by a visit to the city of Jerusalem. It is not endemic to one single religion or denomination but has affected Jews, Christians and Muslims of many different backgrounds.
“The best known, although not the most prevalent, manifestation of the Jerusalem syndrome is the phenomenon whereby a person who seems previously balanced and devoid of any signs of psychopathology becomes psychotic after arriving in Jerusalem. The psychosis is characterised by an intense religious theme and typically resolves to full recovery after a few weeks or after being removed from the area.”
Paris Syndrome “is a transient psychological disorder encountered by some individuals visiting or vacationing in Paris, France. It is characterized by a number of psychiatric symptoms such as acute delusional states, hallucinations, feelings of persecution (perceptions of being a victim of prejudice, aggression, or hostility from others), derealization, depersonalization, anxiety, and also psychosomatic manifestations such as dizziness, tachycardia, sweating, and others. Similar syndromes include Jerusalem syndrome and Stendhal syndrome. Japanese visitors are thought to be especially susceptible.”
I’m currently going to work on a short film about a little old Japanese man stricken with Paris Syndrome.
My father and I have an informal competition that involves acquiring points by spotting the most outrageous or currently interesting celebrities. Each celebrity’s point-worth is assigned based on a completely obvious set of intangible qualifications that the two of us agree on. Last week I saw Katie Holmes, and asked him what he thought she was worth. Here is his answer:
“The scale would probably be like this:
Katie in Manhattan: 50 points
Katie in Brooklyn: 100 points
Katie being followed by Scientology goons: 200 points
Katie and Suri (with or without goons): 250 points
Suri alone: 500 points
Suri with Tom Cruise: 500 points
Suri with Katie and Tom: Game over.”