Archive for the ‘It Could Be Worse…’ Category

Funny Text

July 4, 2017

HW: Lesson learned: do not wish a Happy Independence Day to people involuntarily locked on a psychiatric union.

Short Story

April 12, 2017

Someone base a short story on the moment they broke the news to Elmer, please!  I’d do it myself but I don’t have the time at the moment…

“In questions of administration, [McLean Hospital head] Stanton could simply get lost.  Longtime facilities manager Henry Langevin remembers presenting Stanton with three competing bids for resurfacing McLean’s central tennis court, where Stanton himself often played.  But the director was paralyzed by indecision because the switch from the clay to a hard surface would eliminate a cherished job––rolling and sweeping the ochre-colored clay––for one of the hospital’s elderly, chronic schizophrenics.  ‘What’s poor Elmer going to do?’ was Stanton’s plaint, as the trial court resurfacing decision hung fire for months.”

I know Stanton’s indecision is supposed to be annoying, but I find his concern for Elmer rather sweet, don’t you?

 

(From Gracefully Insane: Life and Death Inside America’s Premier Mental Hospital by Alex Beam)

Sorry for another Tweet-like Message

March 7, 2017

But this one was just too good to pass up…

KM:  I wish auto-fill-in would get on the same page as I am.  It’s always trying to fill in my sentences with “great” or “positive” when I am typing “gross” or “pointless.”

But Who Will Play the Rhino?

March 2, 2017

First of all, I know conservationists will fault me for this, but anyone else think we should abolish zoos?  They’re kind of loci of horror these days, more often than not.  I mean, at the very least, Sea World has to go.

On that note, though, someone please write a dramatic opera about this utter clusterfuck:

The founder of a zoo where almost 500 animals died bragged that his management style was better than “textbook” weeks before government inspectors condemned his practices.

Inspectors at South Lakes Safari Zoo, in Cumbria, found that 486 of its animals had died as a result of mistreatment between December 2013 and September 2016, a report said yesterday.

Shortly before the inspection David Gill, 55, the owner, said that the recent birth of a baby rhino was a “fitting tribute to my work and expertise in zoo animal management”.

He wrote on Facebook in December that he had enjoyed “huge success”, having “always pursued a different style of management to the norm”.

“I wish many other zoos would watch and learn from our example as it is not worth copying books and guidelines if they don’t actually work,” he added. “In my opinion you simply do not listen to people who have had far less success than you in any area of life.”

Inspectors have recommended that Mr Gill’s application for licence renewal be rejected and called on Barrow council to consider prosecution under the Animal Welfare Act.

In 1997 Mr Gill was found guilty of endangering the public after a white rhino escaped from its enclosure. The animal fell down a ravine and had to be shot. In the same year a Sunday newspaper reported that he was having an affair with a teenage zoo hand, Shelley Goodwin, who had left school at 16 and began looking after his kangaroos.

His wife left him, taking their two children, and Mr Gill and Ms Goodwin married. They have since separated. In 2001 a pregnant zoo keeper who incurred Mr Gill’s wrath when she expressed fears about feeding lions was awarded £30,000 in compensation.

Mr Gill’s personal life was given another public airing in 2008 during the trial of a jilted husband who slashed the zoo owner’s neck when he discovered him in bed with his wife.

Richard Creary, then 38, attacked Mr Gill, who fled in his Ferrari dressed only in his pyjamas. Creary was later jailed for five years. In 2014 Mr Gill was forced to apologise after saying that the legalisation of gay marriage signalled the end of the world, and that gay lifestyle was “abnormal” and “anti-natural”.

Last year his zoo was fined £297,500 after a keeper, Sarah McClay, 24, was mauled to death by a Sumatran tiger in 2013. Ms McClay’s boyfriend, David Shaw, 27, told The Times that she was considering setting up a trade union at the zoo because of a “cloud of fear” that existed for staff.

“Sarah and I spent some time looking to implement trade union,” he said. “We were looking towards suitable trade unions because the staff were mistreated at the time — the staff were managed by fear.”

Ms McClay’s brother, Stephen, 31, who lives in London, said: “It absolutely baffles me that anyone would still visit the zoo after my sister died there and now that this report about the conditions has emerged people must surely be put off visiting.

“Had he done the right thing four years ago and stepped down after an employee died on his watch, the animal mistreatment over the past four years at least could have been avoided.”

The zoo was awarded a six-year licence to operate in June 2010 and the council received an application for renewal from Mr Gill in January 2016.

The council rejected the application in July, agreeing with inspectors that he was “not a fit and suitable person” to manage the zoo.

However, the law dictates that if the licence holder reapplies for a new licence, the existing licence continues in force until the application has been processed or withdrawn.

Mr Gill, who remains the licence holder, handed over the responsibility of managing the zoo to Cumbria Zoo Company Limited.

Mr Gill’s lawyer said that his client believes it would be “inappropriate to comment” during the regulatory and legal process.

Barrow council will decide on the renewal of the zoo’s licence on Monday.

SAD But Funny

February 23, 2017

AWP: I feel sluggish too and I am not even knocked up.  I attempted to buy a SAD light for seasonal affective disorder but when I plugged it in it blew up which made me even more sad and sluggish.

Outsource Voice

January 30, 2017

I was thinking of entering a writing contest I briefly read about, and then I visited the judge’s website, and his bio is so bizarrely and poorly written that I decided, um, no.  It reads as if perhaps someone else––someone who isn’t a native English speaker––wrote it, and then Clare just never edited it?  Or a bot wrote it?  In any case, it’s not a crime against humanity or anything, just very bizarre to see an “award-winning author” allow such a shoddily written summation of his credentials to be out there.  I was going to redact the name but that was just too much damn trouble.  Disclaimer: he does seem to be a good writer and also accomplished.  It’s not him I object to; it’s this Google Translate bio!

Horatio Clare is not only an excellent multi award-winning author but a radio producer and journalist too. He was born in London in 1973. He spent his childhood on a hill farm in the Black Mountains of south Wales with his brother Alexander. They both grew up there.

Before reading the English at the University of York, he attended the United World College of the Atlantic and Malvern College.

He worked as a producer on Front Row, Night Waves and The Verb at the BBC. He is the writer of two memoirs, Truant and Running for the hills.

A Single Swallow and Down to the Sea Ships are the pieces of his writing that he wrote about travel and nature.

He is the writer and editor of Sicily through Writer’s Eyes. A book named “Orison for a curlew” was an excellent piece of his writings that was published in 2015, in which he combined the travel and nature topic altogether. Aubrey and the Terrible Yoot an acclaimed children’s book was also published in 2015.

The experiences of his childhood are described in his first book, “Running for the Hills” (The best seller).

His second book Truant was published in 2008. His third book “A Single Swallow” (Following an epic journey from South Africa to South Wales) was published in 2009.

His first children book,” Aubrey and the Terrible Yoot” was published in 2015 by Firefly.

Clare wrote and edited “Sicily through Writer’s Eyes”, which was an anthology of writings about Sicily, and it played the role of a contributor to the collections Red City: Meeting with Remarkable Muslims and Marrakech through Writer’s Eyes.

The Sunday times, Financial Times, The Observer and Vogue, The Guardian, The Sunday Telegraph, The Sunday Times, The Daily Telegraph, New Statesman and the Sunday Times are the platforms where his Journalism appeared.

He won the Somerset Maugham Award his best-selling masterpiece “Running for the Hills” in 2007. He was also shortlisted for another award named Sunday Times Young Writer of the Year Award in the same year for the same masterpiece.

Later on, he was shortlisted for Dolman Best Travel Book Award for “A Single Swallow” in 2010. And in the same year, he won the Foreign Press Association Award for his travel feature 2010 “Rock of Ages – Ethiopian Highlands”

In 2015 he won the Stanford Dolman Travel Book of the Year award for Down to the Sea in Ships.

In 2016 he wrote a book for Children name “Aubrey and the Terrible Yoot”, which later on was announced to be the best book of the year and which made him win the Branford Boase Award.

These are the achievement that made him become the excellent author of the era. And he’s an inspiration for the present writers.

That Thing

January 23, 2017

where you are waiting for a table at Russ and Daughters in the Jewish Museum and, bored, you go to take out Portnoy’s Complaint but stop yourself by thinking, “Now this is just a step too far, even for me.”

Overheard on the Bus

December 18, 2016

Mother: You have to be careful, because sometimes advertisers and marketers make you think you want something but really you don’t need it.

Seven-ish-year-old daughter: Because they’re bad?

Mother: No, it’s not bad.  I do marketing, am I bad?

ID: *thinking*

Sent in a Email Subject Line “This Is Real Life”

November 17, 2016

The text of a Facebook post written by redacted, for OBVIOUS REASONS:

Anyone know what to do when there’s a ghost in the house? I’m not afraid, but I want to know like in terms of Torah, do I have a need to be, or all is good?

Rob Lowe’s Exploits

September 19, 2016

Husband and I caught a few minutes of Rob Lowe’s roast on Comedy Central recently (I have never been more uncomfortable than I was seeing Anne Coulter’s zombie-face reactions to various jokes about her) and I recalled a few years ago, when I worked for a very famous actor named [redacted], who regaled me and the fellow assistants with various stories about Rob Lowe’s insane romantic past.  At the time, I Googled him, and found on his Wikipedia page a harrowing story about his relationship with Little House on the Prairie star Melissa Gilbert, and we (the other assistants and [redacted]) all gasped at it.  Then, post-roast, during which they made endless fun of Lowe’s Lothario (to put it gently) past, I went to look at the Wikipedia again, and the anecdote wasn’t there!  It wasn’t that it was so fascinating, but just that it clearly had been edited out by someone’s PR lackey that annoyed me.  Anyway, I tracked it down on Reddit, so you’re welcome:

“Lowe, a little-known actor at the time, and Little House on the Prairie actress Melissa Gilbert briefly met at age 14 in 1978 in the halls of CBS Television Studios.  In 1981, when both were 17, Gilbert spotted Lowe stopped at the red light next to her car and the two began dating.  During the filming of The Hotel New Hampshire (1984), Lowe began an affair with Nastassja Kinski.  According to Gilbert, she caught Lowe in Kinski’s hotel room and then slept with Lowe’s then-best friend, John Cusack, out of revenge.  Lowe broke up with Gilbert in 1986 when he began dating Princess Stephanie of Monaco, but when the relationship with the Princess ended, Gilbert and Lowe reunited. The two quickly got engaged and were to be married in the summer of 1987.  But when Gilbert informed Lowe she was pregnant, he broke up with her for good.  Gilbert claims she miscarried several days later.”

This isn’t the half of his sordid back story, this one still on Wikipedia: In 1988, Lowe was involved in a sex scandal over a videotape of him having sex with a 16-year-old girl he met in a nightclub. They were videotaped the night before the Democratic National Convention in Atlanta, Georgia. As the age of consent is 16 in Georgia, both were of legal age to engage in sexual activity, although not to be recorded. At the time, Lowe was campaigning for Michael Dukakis.

Someone get this guy a Lifetime biopic!