Archive for December, 2015

Public Service Announcement Regarding Cinematic Werewolves

December 29, 2015

So I’ve noticed over the past few years that whenever I ask someone if they’ve seen the movie An American Werewolf in London, they give me a look like I’m complete trash and say, “Uh, no?”  At which point I have to explain that I am not, in fact, talking about the mid-nineties horror dud An American Werewolf in Paris.  Two different European cities here, people!  The Paris-based flick was widely panned by audiences and critics alike, and had the kind of laughable premise endemic to sequels.  It also had CGI, which we’ve pretty much decided at this point can get very bad, very fast.

To contrast: An American Werewolf in London has Griffin Dunne (of the Dunne dynasty), the North Yorkshire Moors, and a kickass soundtrack featuring Van Morrison and Creedence (but not, oddly enough, Warren Zevon.)  It manages to be actually funny and actually frightening simultaneously, which the sequel, it goes without saying, does not.  There’s also a steamy shower sex scene, which the adults with whom I watched it at the tender age of ten or so wisely fast-forwarded through.  (I’ve since seen it, though.)

In conclusion, please do not mix up these two films.  It is like mixing up good Stilton and American cheese, no pun intended.  Now, I’m off to get a pina colada at Trader Vic’s.  Keep it real, kids.

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I’ll Have What He’s Having

December 22, 2015

Re-reading William James and came across this “conversion” story, which is enviable, to say the least.

“At the urgent request of friends, and with no faith and hardly any hope (possibly owing to a previous unsuccessful experience with a Christian Scientist), our little daughter was placed under the care of a healer, and cured of a trouble about which the physician had been very discouraging in his diagnosis.  This interested me, and I began studying earnestly the method and philosophy of this method of healing.  Gradually an inner peace and tranquillity came to me in so positive a way that my manner changed greatly.  My children and friends noticed the change and commented upon it.  All feelings of irritability disappeared.  Even the expression of my face changed noticeably.

“I had been bigoted, aggressive, and intolerant in discussion, both in public and private.  I grew broadly tolerant and receptive toward the views of others.  I had been nervous and irritable, coming home two or three times a week with a sick headache induced, as I then supposed, by dyspepsia and catarrh.  I grew serene and gentle, and the physical troubles entirely disappeared.  I had been in the habit of approaching every business interview with an almost morbid dread.  I now meet every one with confidence and inner calm.

“I may say that the growth has all been toward the elimination of selfishness.  I do not mean simply the grosser, more sensual forms, but those subtler and generally unrecognized kinds, such as express themselves in sorrow, grief, regret, envy, etc.  It has been in the direction of a practical, working realization of the immanence of God, and the Divinity of man’s true, inner self.”

 

Change of Heart

December 16, 2015

LB:  i’m so sleepy and i have to stay at work an extra hour for a holiday party.  not excited.

ID: are you working the party or partying the party?

LB: i’m bailing after 20 mins
partying

ID: so that’s slightly better

LB: yeah
but i’m with work people all day, i don’t really want to hang out with them on a social level
at least not most of them
ID: yeah totally
i remember that

LB: and now i’m bored. 2 more hours with nothing to do

ID: i was going to shower but
meh

LB: so in an interesting turn of events, my co-worker just brought in a flame thrower

ID: okay well now you have to stay

LB: i know, right?

Women Are Better Than Men, Part A Million and One

December 14, 2015

“The language of conversion can be abrupt.”  With these words Karl F. Morrison approaches an account by Snorri Sturluson (1178/9-1241) of the Christian king of Norway, Olav Tryggvason (969-1000) and the non-Christian Queen Sigrid of Sweden, whom the king wished to marry.  “Marriage negotiations progressed well until the queen refused to abandon the religion that she held, as her kinsmen before her had done.  Olav, she said, could, without hindrance or reproach, worship whatever god pleased him.

“King Olav was very wroth and answered hastily, ‘Why should I wed you, you heathen bitch?’, and he struck her in the face with the glove he was holding in his hand.”  This was no way to win the heart of Queen Sigrid the Strong-minded.  Her response was instant: “This may be your death,” she said.  Turned into Olav’s staunchest enemy, she married the king of Denmark, whom she incited to the battle in which Olav died.

Varieties of Religious Conversion in the Middle Ages, from the chapter “Gender and Conversion in the Merovingian Era” by Cordula Nolte

That Thing

December 14, 2015

when someone asks you to help out at a kids’ Hanukkah party and you end up just making tiny fruit candles by yourself in a corner.

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Surprises from Broadly’s Rachel Dolezal Interview

December 13, 2015

Which can be found here.

  1. “In the aftermath of her newfound infamy, Rachel resigned from her unpaid role at the NAACP; the Spokane City Council voted to remove her from a volunteer Police Ombudsman Commission, and Eastern Washington University declined to renew her quarterly adjunct professor contract. Broke and seemingly unemployable (with the exception of a six-figure Vivid Entertainment porn offer she turned down), Rachel wrote a memoir proposal. She hoped she would receive an advance big enough to support herself and her two sons for as long as it takes to weather the storm, but she says publishers refused to sign her. Today, she says she remains out of work besides doing black women’s hair part-time and estimates a third of her friends have stopped speaking to her.”
    I am completely shocked that no publisher would buy this memoir.  I can’t tell if that’s because I have such a low opinion of publishers (that’s speaking very generally) or such a hopeful stance on Dolezal’s memoir.  I mean, where is Judith Regan when you need her?!
  2. “Pumpkins line her front steps in autumn, and inside her walls are adorned with her own artwork: a portrait of Pariah, the character in the Spike Lee–produced movie, over the fireplace; a drawing of the KKK chasing a black girl above Rachel’s bed; and a painting of her adopted son Izaiah as a baby next to the dining room table. In the living room, a Langston Hughes poetry book lies on a chest.”

Guys, Rachel Dolezal can fucking draw.  If she hadn’t gotten an MFA,  I’d guess she’d become the next outsider artist a la Jack Kevorkian and prison inmates who sell their paint-by-numbers.  (This guy is an acquaintance of mine.  #kiddingnotkidding)

Guys, Don’t Freak Out

December 10, 2015

But you probably missed the sale on Maine coon cat calendars from at Down East Magazine.

Screen Shot 2015-12-10 at 4.56.50 PM

This cat is basically the feline equivalent of one of those women who can have orgasms without even being touched.  He has rub-face but there isn’t a hand in sight.

Is Tennessee Williams a Good Poet?

December 9, 2015

“Morgenlied”

I saw a white dove in a tree.

The tree was white, the leaves were three.

 

These leaves, I noticed as I passed,

were shaped as bells of crimson glass

 

And azure glass and emerald glass:

I felt them tremble as I passed.

 

The dove stood in the tree alone

and in her beak she clutched a bone.

 

This was my love, I heard her cry,

I drank his blood and watched him die.

 

I drank his blood, the dove confessed,

because I loved him to excess.

 

Then as I passed my body thinned,

it lifted on a gust of wind,

 

And I was high above the hill,

the universe was white and still

 

And there was neither tree nor bird

and no bell struck and no leaf stirred.

Please check one:  Yes  ­Δ

No   Δ

(Okay so that’s a Delta, not a box, but you can make it work.)

 

 

 

Desperately Seeking Former Porno Star

December 8, 2015

You know your life has taken a turn for the fucking weird when you spend your morning trying to contact Jenna Jameson…

Irritated/Funny List

December 7, 2015

So I’ve been in a low-grade shitty mood since Saturday night because of thought plagiarism, as a general concept (not going to elaborate), and then I went to go purchase tickets to a Hanukkah concert and found my spirits lightened by the sheer number of title options available to your average British consumer.  (Some of these are certainly included only because it’s a Jewish event, but still.)

Baron

Baroness

Captain

Chazan

Chief Rabbi

Cllr

Colonel

Commander

Dame

Dayan

Dr

Dr & Mrs

General

His Honour

Judge

Lady

Lord

Lt. Cdr

Major

 

It just occurred to me that there may have been more options, but I didn’t scroll down.  Curses!  *waves fists at sky*