Archive for August, 2012

No Posting This Weekend!

August 31, 2012

Don’t cry!  I will be back Tuesday, after three days spent creating The Jewish Joke Factory.  It’s a long story.  By the way, I would like to express my sincere thanks to LB , who taught me to take screen shots, for this:

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I would like to make one final plea to Old Jews Telling Jokes to please, please rethink your sponsors –– I just noticed there’s an anti-abortion ad on the site?  That is not funny.

SHALOM, BROS!

 

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Dammit I Want To Go To This

August 31, 2012

My coworkers are hosting a “Harrithon,” aka a Harrison Ford Movie Marathon, on a day that inconveniently happens to be my little brother’s wedding day (no cracks about being the spinsterly sister, please.)  Below is their hilarious invite:

As some of you may have heard, A and I are hosting a Harrison Ford Movie Marathon (aka HARRITHON) next week at my apartment.

Don’t worry – only the original Star Wars and Indiana Joneses will be screened. (Unless you know of some awesome hidden gem to bring…)

We’ll convene around 4:00 p.m. on Saturday Sep. 8. We’re starting early so we can get the movies / drinking rolling, but feel free to drop by later for a lesser dose.

The address is —-. When you get there please call me at —- to be let in, we’re on the 3rd floor with no buzzer!

Bring food, bring drinks! Will will be hosting “the mustache game” and there may or may not be some Harrison-themed snacks…

Any other ideas are welcome!

(Ed note: For the uninitiated, the mustache game is courtesy of Buzzfeed courtesy of Tumblr:

Instructions are: Step 1: Attach a mustache to the TV screen. Step 2: Drink when it lines up.

My sincerely regretful “no” is as follows:

This sounds like the most amazing thing in the world, but sadly I cannot attend, and I know W is rolling his eyes right now and saying to himself, “ID never attends” but my brother is getting married that day and I kinda can’t get out of that (though I would love to).  In any case, here are my Harrison Ford recommendations:

Witness because there are Amish people in it (and Harrison Ford and an Amish chick love each other!)

Blade Runner (duh)

Apocalypse Now (duh)

The Conversation (great movie)

The episode of The Mod Squad entitled “The Teeth of the Barracuda”

Enjoy!

Oh right, and this is the JPG to go along with the invite (always helpful to have a production designer as an event organizer):

VERY, VERY SERIOUS.

This is not the best post I’ve ever written.  It’s Friday –– give me a break!

Okay, Let’s Try This One More Time

August 30, 2012

You guys,

I thought we already had this discussion.  Of course, I’m referring to this, from People.com:

LeAnn Rimes is seeking help to address emotional issues. 

“LeAnn has voluntarily entered a 30 day in-patient treatment facility to cope with anxiety and stress,” her rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. 

“While there will be speculation regarding her treatment, she is simply there to learn and develop coping mechanisms. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.” 

Rimes – who checked in on Wednesday, the day after her 30th birthday – tells PEOPLE she hopes to emerge from treatment with better tools to deal with the life she’ll be returning to. 

So this time around, let’s be really, really clear: stress isn’t a psychiatric issue.  It’s even LESS of a diagnosis than “exhaustion.”  There is no treatment for stress, and there certainly is no diagnostic code for fucking “stressed.”  Imagine if someone tried to check in to a facility for “stress” –– how exactly would a health insurance provider react to THAT, if they have as much trouble with the “normal” diagnoses that they do?  Of course, all of this is not to mention the pretty bad but still TOTALLY UNAVOIDABLE point that Leann Rimes probably doesn’t do her own laundry, cook her own food (too easy!), clean her own house or even pay her own bills, so what is she rehab-admission-worthy stressed about?

I really wish celebrities would stop doing these kinds of things.  They’re either a) denying their serious problems or b) trying to dramatize their really un-serious problems, and both are offensive to the general public at large, mostly notably me.

So, in conclusion, Leann Rimes and ESPECIALLY Marcel Pariseau for being worthless: Fuck yourselves.

The Only Review of Beasts of the Southern Wild You Need to Read

August 29, 2012

My Status: “I hope you die! And after you die, I’ll go to your grave and eat birthday cake all by myself.”

LB:  did you see beasts?  thats where that quote is from right?

me:  yep

LB:  did you love?

me:  it was amazing

LB:  so amazing right
i loved every second of it

me:  i sobbed like a baby who just got punched in the stomach

 

 

 

*As always Gchats occasionally edited for length, clarity, and to make those conversing sound cooler and smarter than they really are.

The Twice-Born Blues

August 27, 2012

File Under: There are two kinds of people in this world…

“The last lecture was a painful one, dealing as it did with evil as a pervasive element of the world we live in.  at the close of it we were brought into full view of the contrast between the two ways of looking at life which are characteristic respectively of what we called the healthy-minded, who need to be born only once, and of the sick souls, who must be twice-born in order to be happy.  The result is two different conceptions of the universe of our experience.  In the religion of the once-born the world is a sort of rectilinear or one-storied affair, whose accounts are kept in one denomination, whose parts have just the values which naturally they appear to have, and of which a simple algebraic sum of pluses and minuses will give the total worth.  Happiness and religious peace consist in living on the plus side of the account.  In the religion of the twice-born, on the other hand, the world is a double-storied mystery.  Peace cannot be reached by the simple addition of pluses and elimination of minuses from life.  Natural good is not simply insufficient in amount and transient, there lurks a falsity in its very being.  Cancelled as it all is by death if not by earlier enemies, it gives no final balance, and can never be the thing intended for our lasting worship.  It keeps us from our real good, rather; and renunciation and despair of it are our first step in the direction of the truth.  There are two lives, the natural and the spiritual, and we must lose the one before we can participate in the other.”

— Henry James, Varieties of Religious Experience (henceforth to be known as VORE)

PS It would be funny to do a Cosmo-style quiz that answered the question as to whether one was once or twice born, the supportive, twee-toned summary of one’s personality and all!

PS

August 25, 2012

I really, really think OldJewsTellingJokes.com should consider selling advertisement space to an entity OTHER THAN the anti-texting-while-driving initiative of AT&T.  It’s an admirable cause, really, but it’s just too jarring to go from the cautionary tale of a sad dude with a severe brain injury to a fat guy talking about a shlemiel in an ill-fitting suit.  Just… no.

Two Problems

August 25, 2012

Doing research for my novel (big time oy) and…

1. For some reason the Old Jews Telling Jokes website won’t open for me.

2. I don’t know whether technically repeating a joke one has heard or read is plagiarism or not.  Like, for example, if I wrote the following within dialogue:

“What’s black and white and read all over?”

“A newspaper!”

Would that be plagiarizing?

Motherfucking Overwhelmed

August 23, 2012

When you’re feeling super overwhelmed by life, there’s only one thing to think about: TEENY TINY FRUIT!

This JPEG was titled on my desktop “mini-4,” but sadly I don’t have three other pictures of baby fruit.

Harper’s Index!

August 22, 2012

 

Oh, Harper’s Index!  Why do you confuse me so?  After being bombarded with your many statistics, I somehow never know what to do –– should I be depressed, or angry, or submissive, or amused?  Are you trying to compel me to action in some way, and if so, what sort of action shall I take?  What kind of conspiracies are you alluding to when you parallel a statistic about the estimated portion of Colombian cocaine revenue that is laundered through banks in First World countries (9/10) and one about the ratio of the number of genes in microorganisms inhabiting the human nostril to the number in the human genome (168:1)?  Are you trying to tell me to do cocaine, or to feel bad about being white and a helpless bourgeoisie, or to use a neti-pot?  Is it wrong to want to respond to each of these statistics, which in the end sound hollow and pointless, by retorting, “Yeah, well, 86.4% of statistics are made up”?  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL, HARPER’S?

Some examples of frustration this week:

1. [Amount] at which the average college-educated woman’s [salary maxes out] at age thirty-nine: $60,000

Damages awarded in June to an Oregon woman who contracted herpes from a man she met through online dating: $900,000

This seems to be telling me that it would be more lucrative for me, as a lady, to get an STD from a stranger than to just, like, work and be normal.

2. Average number of eggs a bedbug will lay after feeding on “clean” human blood: 44

After feeding on blood with an alcohol content of 0.10: 12

I think you’re telling me… to be drunk, always, lest I risk the wrath of the dread bed bug.

3. Percentage of US households that are headed by millionaires: 4.3

Of Swiss households: 17.1

Duh.  Moving on…

4. Chances a Republican believes today that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction at the time of the 2003 invasion: 2 in 3

Amount paid at auction in June for one of Annie Oakley’s guns: $143,400

We care too much about guns?

5. Number of plastic spoons Northern Ireland stockpiled as part of a recently declassified plan to prepare for nuclear war: 58,292

I… really have no idea what to do with this information.  Maybe… nothing?

6. Minimum gigabyes of data stored in a typical gram of human feces: 10,000,000

And we’re done here.

 

How I Feel Today

August 21, 2012

Sleeping. In a shoe.

Half bottle of wine + 7,500 calories + a fitful sleep = really, really not cool.