Archive for May, 2012

Me All the Time

May 31, 2012

Seriously. It drives me nuts.

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Friends

May 31, 2012

LB:  do you know anyone that works for chanel?

i have some recon to do.

THE ONE AND ONLY REASON YOU NEED TO DROP OUT OF SOCIETY

May 30, 2012

My brother and I were writing a list of reasons why we want to drop out of society, but apparently I can scrap that project because this is the only reason I really need.

Are You Depressed, Bipolar, Anxious? This App Can Tell You For Sure

By Dianna Dilworth on May 30, 2012 3:08 PM

If you are feeling down and think you may be suffering from a mental illness, WhatsMyM3, by M-3 Information, is an app that helps you test your mental well being.

Available for iOS and Android, the $2.99 app is cheaper than visiting a professional (through they do recommend that if you test positive for a mental disorder, that you seek real world help). The app asks questions like, “Over the last two weeks or more, have you noticed the following: Nothing seems to give me much pleasure.”

Here is what the app has to offer: “WhatsMyM3 is based on a research validated screen that in 3 minutes assesses your risk of depression, bipolar and anxiety and PTSD. After completing the short checklist you receive a personalized confidential report sharing how much burden these symptoms may be causing you. Please reach out to a professional or go directly to the emergency room should you feel a need for help.” (Via USA Today).

Some Possible Responses Include:

1. Why don’t people just lug around the DSM-IV like I do?

2. Is there an app that will point me to the best spots nearby from which I can jump and meet certain death?  Because thanks to you people, THAT’S WHAT I NEED NOW.

3. Too bad there’s no category on this blog called IT COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE WORSE.

List of Jobs I Think I Should Have

May 29, 2012

1. Therapist-patient matchmaker

2. Washing oil off of baby animals affected by oil spills a la that Dawn commercial

3. “cool hunter” (coolhunting.com)

4. Babysitting sequestered jurors

5. bibliotherapist

6. Obituary writer (new favorite)

7. “Phenomenologist”

8. Reading letters sent by readers to various magazines/publications and deciding which ones should be printed

9. Driving the Monsey Trails bus

10. Writing those “36 hours in…” pieces for the Times

11. Night watch person at Greenwood Cemetery

12. Watching movies and transcribing the dialog and then selling the bootlegged scripts on the street

13. Seat filler at the Oscars

14. Performance artist who lies in that wooden bed with a crystal pointed downward made by Marina Abramovic

15. Cat tamer at the Hermitage Museum (you’ve probably seen my cover letter already)

My Celebrity Doppelganger

May 27, 2012

… or so I’m told…

She celebrated her birthday!

Here is Helena Bonham-Carter with a very cool hat on.

My Boyfriend’s Sad Bagel Story

May 25, 2012

What’s worse about this story: that he incurred the wrath of commuters or that he lost his bagel?

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Thought I’d share an update about my morning.  I had to be at work on the early side and was drinking last night.  Stopped in at Bony’s Bagels (yes that’s what it’s really called) for a bagel and iced coffee on my way to the train.  Mr. Bony gave me an everything rather than the onion I ordered, but that’s kind of an occupational hazard in the bageling game.

The 4 train was crowded this morning, and I was carrying my messenger bag, a weekend bag, and my coffee.  It was standing room only, and I was standing directly above the long bench that runs down the side of the car, which was occupied by exhausted looking women from further off parts of Brooklyn.  At first I held my bag and drank my coffee, but when we got to Bowling Green, I placed the bags at my feet, wedged the empty cup between my foot and one of the bags, and dug into my messenger bag for the bagel.

I started eating the bagel, holding the bag as a sort of makeshift plate in my left hand, and the bagel itself in my right.  Unfortunately, this left no hand to hold onto the bar, so I was alternately eating the bagel and using my right wrist to hold onto the bar above.  Things went well for about 3/4 of the first half of the bagel.  Then: disaster struck.

Halfway between Brooklyn Bridge and Union Square, I was holding onto the bar with my wrist (“wristing” the bar, if you will) with the bagel in that hand when all of a sudden the train jerked violently to the left.  This threw me off my feet in the direction behind me.  Unsuspecting, barely awake, and frankly half-hungover, I was in no physical position to deal with this turn of events.  Thus, I stumbled sharply behind me.  Meanwhile, my right hand instictevely [sic] sought out the bar above, which was unfortunate because that hand was also grasping my bagel.  As a result, my fingers sort of pinched down on the bagel stub.  As anyone who has ever eaten a bagel slathered in cream cheese knows, they don’t react well to pinching.  The bottom half of the bagel immediately shot about 5 feet back in the car, soaring above commuter’s heads and presumably dribbling them with cream cheese.  The top half slapped into the lap of the woman seated directly below me, along with a nice helping of cheese.

I turned around to look at the havoc wreaked, and discovered an entire car full of people GLARING at me.  No one laughed.  No one said anything.  Just the steady gaze of unmitigated hatred.

I turned back to the woman, who had been sleeping, and managed to stammer “I’m so, so sorry” and handed her my napkins.  She calmly cleaned herself up, and slapped the remnants of the bagel back into my hand.

Union Square couldn’t arrive soon enough, and when it did, I grabbed all my bags, the bagel, and the coffee cup, and darted off the train, in search of a trash can.

Worst commute of my life.  Don’t eat while you stand on the subway.

Today Wasn’t Actually THAT Bad

May 24, 2012

Which is surprising as this week has been a complete horrorshow.

A little girl, post-internment in a concentration camp, is asked to draw her home.

And this picture, while really heartbreaking, is also gorgeous and thought-provoking.

Adventures in Craigslist, Part A Million

May 23, 2012

What?!

Found in the “Writing Gigs” section:

Very long hair model is available (Greenwich Village)

Date: 2012-05-23, 5:45PM EDT

Reply to: 5rwxp-3034027446@gigs.craigslist.org

Please kindly respond with your best offer if you need a very very long gorgeous female hair model to cut and buy all my virgin hair, it would be greatly appreciated!

Sincere thanks

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: Nego

PostingID: 3034027446

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Is it weird to anyone else that it’s not ok to contact this poster with “services or other commercial interests?”  Something tells me she’d be down for it, whatever it is.

Two Cool People

May 23, 2012

As I mentioned before, I am reading some books put out by London’s The School of Life, and by skimming this latest, How to FInd Fulfilling Work, I have been introduced to two bombass guys whose lives and careers I would like to have.  First up, the author, Roman Krznaric:

Roman Krznaric is an author, cultural thinker, and founding faculty member of The School of Life, where he teaches courses about work.  He has been named by the Observer as one of Britain’s leading lifestyle thinkers, and advises organizations including Oxfam and United Nations on using empathy and conversation to create social change.

Next, Krznaric’s pal, Iain King:

“Iain King has never been conventional.  When he left secondary school, he spent a year busking around Europe –– playing the guitar standing on his head.  One summer while at college in the early 1990s, he and a friend crossed into northern Iraq from Turkey, where they befriended a group of Kurdish freedom fighters, travelled around with them in a Jeep full of machine guns and hand-held missile launchers, and narrowly escaped being kidnapped.  Later, Iain started up a national student newspaper, which folded after half a dozen issues, then volunteered as a researcher for a political party.  Never having had much of a career plan, he ended up as a an expert on peace-building for the United Nations and other international organizations.  He helped introduce a new currency in Kosovo and has worked alongside soldiers on the battlefront in Afghanistan.  He has also found time to write a philosophy book, and to spend a year as a househusband and Syria, the lone father at baby groups in the Damascus expatriate community.”

It goes on to say that Iain’s current job, as a civil servant advising the British government on their overseas humanitarian work, is less-than-fulfilling, but for now, I’m content to imagine Iain as a happy, physically flexible do-gooder with a sweet Syrian bride.

Nonfiction/Theory-Based/Guidebooks/Manifestos/Expositional Texts to Make Into Movies

May 22, 2012

… a la What to Expect When You’re Expecting:

DSM-IV

The Anti-Internet Asifa Brochure

Society of the Spectacle

Dianetics

The Elements of Style

Totem and Taboo (almost any work by Freud, really)

The Anarchist’s Cookbook

Mao’s Little Red Book

The Birth of the Clinic

French Women Don’t Get Fat