Anna Nicole, The Opera

Hated by New York Magazine and beloved by yours truly, Anna Nicole has been the biggest ticket in town since… well, Tuesday.  Herewith, the synopsis of Act I.  I won’t give away the ending, I promise!

Scene Zero: A three-bar overture

Scene One: America Sings

Anna is introduced.  She is fabulous.  And eccentric.  Fabulously eccentric.

Scene Two: “No! It’s Mu-hay-uh!”

Anna establishes one thing: she was born in a town called Mexia, pronounced “Mu-HAY-ah.”  This phonetic problem is the town’s main claim to fame and is incorporated in the town’s motto: “A great place no matter how you pronounce it!”  Anna wants out.  Big time!

Scene Three: “Hey We’re Family!”

We meet the family: most importantly, Anna’s mother, Virgie, and her son, Daniel.  Mom Virgie frowns at Anna’s life but her heart always melts for the cataclysmically cute Daniel.  Daniel is the love of Anna’s life.  The Lawyer Stern is momentarily introduced and then pushed off stage.  Anna, divorced and broke, heads for the bright lights of Houston.  Faced with the prospect of low-wage jobs and grunt work, Anna chooses an alternative route.

Scene Four: Falling in Loath Again

Anna enters the world of the “Gentlemen’s Club.”  The earning potential is vast.  All cash, no IRS.  But there is a problem…

Scene Five: Life Implants

Problem solved: breast implants.  Up side: more attention, more cash.  Down side: chronic back pain for the rest of her life.  On returning to the Gentlemen’s Club, Anna soars.  And she meets the holy of holies: the Rich One.  We meet the oilman, J. Howard Marshall II.  Marshall falls under her spell.  He wants Anna.  He takes Anna.  Her life is transformed.  She asks for a ranch.  But… there ain’t no such thing as a free ranch.

Scene Six: American Dreaming

Anna gets the ranch but it didn’t come for free.  The world opens up for Anna.  With the prospect of unlimited cash, she seethes with ambition.

Scene Seven: Marriage in the White Dove Chapel

Anna marries J. Howard Marshall II.  Virgie (Mom) explodes with rage and disgust.  No one listens.  The Lawyer Stern gives Anna his card.  Daniel brings Anna her pills and she looks forward to a life of wealth––and chronic back pain.

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