If I, _______, am ever successful enough to have my own assistant, I vow never to:
a) Blame him/her for something that is my fault, unless he/she explicitly gives me permission to
b) Patronizingly tell him/her that
b1) his/her interest in writing or art or what-have-you is “cute” or “endearing”
b2) artistic competency, let alone genius, is “a burden of calling I wouldn’t wish on anyone”
b3) the industry isn’t what it used to be
b4) he/she ought to think about law or prostitution, where the “real money” is
c) Give him/her a copy of my own published work in lieu of a thoughtful, personalized Christmas or holiday gift
d) Regale him/her with too many stories of my younger days and all the knowledge I have amassed as a result of my totally unique and amazing experiences and subsequent (deserved) success
e) Call him/her on a Sunday/after 9 PM unless absolutely necessary
f) Implicate him/her in lies I choose to tell
I understand that these stipulations will make for a healthier working relationship, and will contribute to the assistant’s overall happiness and level of productivity.
For future reference, please file. It is recommended that the above signed read this contract at least once every three months upon hiring an assistant in order to remind him or herself of what constitutes poor or unethical behavior as a boss and inevitable mentor.
Signed: __________________ Dated: _________________
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