Exhaustion

In light of Rita Ora’s terrifying ordeal culminating in her admission to the hospital, we at the National Center for the Awareness of Exhaustion have determined that the time is ripe to bring greater attention to this little known malady. Though it is often overshadowed by more serious ailments, exhaustion has been the worm at the core for a small but significant sector of our population for two entire decades.

What is “Exhaustion?” Exhaustion is a disease that might include the following as symptoms: sleepiness, nausea, dizziness, public passing out. In many patients, it presents as similar to a hangover. No one knows its exact cause, but symptoms are often preceded by periods of bad or no publicity. Researchers have also determined that attending concerts for multiple nights in a row or having an openly secret drug problem heightens one’s susceptibility to contracting exhaustion, though medical professionals are encouraged to not link the two, as that would amount to party-shaming the legitimately ill.

Exhaustion is most common among those who work in the entertainment industry and have incredibly generous health insurance policies. Within this group, white females are particularly at risk. Celebrity sufferers include Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, and token this-disease-does-not-discriminate sufferer Dave Chappelle. Exhaustion never affects the following: Hasidic mothers of ten, long distance truck drivers, introverts, or people suffering from diagnosed, medically-recognized terminal illnesses.

Treatment for exhaustion may include a brief hospital admission documented by numerous selfies; often, follow-up care is needed, and can be received at exorbitantly expensive rehab centers with ocean views and sushi chefs on-staff. In order to prevent a recurrence of the illness, the sufferer is urged to hire more hands-on representation who can scrub their hospital stay from celebrity gossip websites.

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