I’m Registered at…

My friend E is getting married (Mazel Tov!) and while I enjoy weddings immensely, E’s latest email has alerted me to a large problem with the entire institution of marriage: the registry.  Registries are so FUCKING boring!  I mean, honestly, never in my life do  I want to give someone a set of pans as a gift, nor would I ever endeavor to ask someone to buy me salt shakers.  How impersonal and totally lame.  Here is my hypothetical registry for those who plan on coming to my wedding (in ten years or so), which is going to be rad, you may be able to guess…

Diamonds –– big ones

First editions of books

a pet turtle


exotic fruit

statues of horses or birds

Koi fish (and a pond to put them in)

good wine

pay for my mound of dry cleaning

write me a love letter

classes to brush up on my scuba diving skillz

a piano (you know what, any sort of musical instrument will work, save the tuba.  no interest in the tuba whatsoever.)

any sort of art…well, I’d like to take a look at it first…in case it’s heinous…but if you’re coming to my wedding you ought to know what my taste is.

subscription to The New Yorker or Harper’s or Vogue

An assistant

New ballet slippers

God, this is fun.  I could go on for ages.  But I won’t.

5 Responses to “I’m Registered at…”

  1. itinerantdaughter Says:

    Chanel ballet flats in every color possible (these are, of course, distinguished from ballet slippers)

  2. Marisa Says:

    I just bought someone a folding buffet table off their registry!

  3. D Says:

    As somebody who would potentially be the other person getting married that day, I don’t know how cool I am with the love letters.
    Unless they’re the kind of love letters you send to your mom.
    Then I’m not too sure how much I’d want those people at the wedding at all.

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