RIP Esti Weinstein

If you follow a certain beat, you have probably already read about the suicide of Esti Weinstein, 50, who left behind a short book detailing her life in the Gur sect of Hasidism and her eventual defection from the ultra-Orthodox world and subsequent estrangement from six of her seven daughters (one article says she had eight children, another cited the aforementioned number, so I’m unclear as to her exact number of offspring.)  The book has recently been acquired by a publishing house in Israel, but prior to the deal, it was downloadable online, so mournful and curious (mostly both) readers could learn about life as a Gur Hasid, which entails following restrictions around sex and modesty even beyond those rules followed by other Hasidic groups.  Obviously I downloaded the book, because what else am I doing with my life, and found the incredibly choppy translation to lend the work a kind of poetic tone that I’m not sure it  would otherwise have.  It reminded me, in some ways, of one of my favorite novels of the past five years, Eimear McBride’s A Girl is a Half-Formed Thing.  If you choose to read either Weinstein’s book or McBride’s, prepare to have your heart broken at least a bit.  (BTW, Weinstein’s manuscript was formatted, true to Hebrew, to the right side of the document, which I’ve tried to reproduce here to middling success.)

***

When you think about it, you could say that even then it was possible to guess the future.

1967 in

 

‘Mischief’ I, Desi-year-old, I did, passed by word of mouth and was the talk of the day. Grandmothers, aunts and children, all played with pleasure in the story of ‘Desi naughty breaking pole

Framework Playpen in Dodhfninh           And left free to the living room when she is holding the rod!

What were they thinking !? I’m stuck in a chicken coop closed room for hours, sit down and staring at the ceiling or on

Floor and wait for Aunt Pearl will finish scrub and wash the house, something that never ends !?

Never, never!

I Dessie.

As such, nothing will break or humbles me. And if that happens, it will be temporary. For

Ultimately, the Hadassah in me pick up again, renounces the gutter and find solutions!

But at the same time no one saw. Did not see me, and see the situations that can bring me to use many forces

Have been given them,

Even then they could identify the evidence “outside the box, that is, the coop!

The power to fight, to change, immediately finding solutions

And above all – the courage !!

The courage to break through barriers and go out to look for new ways.

And who knows how much courage as I need to get out of the coop at Aunt Pearl, clean freak,

Peace and order.

She played, but David Wolf! He did – –

Children and David Wolf are two parallel if they meet someone apparently broke down on the way, and it’s not David Wolf!

In my case, it did not I !!!

That I am brave, and if I have a goal – get to it, and if necessary, pay the price, with love!

And it was a short-term goal one year old baby.

Leave the coop to freedom.

freedom. A goal that began a year old but there is no doubt in me to this day, and probably will stay in my mind

And my heart

Until my last breath.

***

 

“I brought you some tea. Your husband told you prefer Earl Grey, but we have regular tea ..” The nurse told me a pale face and ponytail on her head rocked back, shiny black over white share knowledge days

More bright. She put a green plastic tray on a wooden chest to the left of my bed, it was a small plastic cup with blue handle and went on: “After you drink, and it seems you’re all right, you can get out of bed, Dr. Tamar Goldstein, Department of Psychological meet you call 10.00 Hadera, do not worry! I’m here. you are not alone! I’ll take you to her “.. she finished and left the room as long ponytail swinging

On her bottom up micro-expansion quotation disappeared at the entrance.

‘Oh, no coffee even here, I muttered to myself and arranged the scarf on my head modestly, pushing the

Rogue hairs dared to peek out and sat up on the bed to drink the tea sickening missing

Taste old blue plastic cup.

Woman sleeping at night sides of the room, the bed to the right of the door, entered the room like a whirlwind,

I stopped and surveyed her from head to toe, and how it is different from me,

‘She looks about my age’

This secular ‘

The general body was covered in pink pajamas thick semblance even wider .. hair

Curly apparently knew days of dark brown color, but over time it popped probably more gray hairs

Had never been painted, black eyes flickered restlessly while blinking fast .. suddenly stopped and looked at me cross, “Ohhh, finally woke up” !! Called me out loudly as if from her bed to the right

Door and my bed next to the window opposite the entrance there is a distance of three buildings, “I Flory! “Announced and opened a flood of questions and updates appropriate sales have been good friends

Years: “The first time here? This is my second home, unfortunately, I’m diagnosed manic depression, now I

In a fit of manic crazy, I know myself, know exactly what I have and when and was hospitalized

When I feel it coming .. my childhood, threatening, already know me, they do not come to visit when I

Here, waiting to feel better and then I go back to nostalgia ..

good

The strongly observant woman, right !?

Girls miss the most fun, huh !? Do you have children? You must have full children !!

It is clear that the strongly observant woman, your scarf right up to the eyes .. the strongly observant woman strong, right !? I had seen

Finished

Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness “

Your husband .. Wow, he really righteous hardcore, true ..!?

Well what am I confusing you and rave difficulty arises from danger,

Investigation doubt supplier of speech ‘I answer their questions and answers myself and left the room.

‘The strongly observant woman, it is clear that the strongly observant woman. Your handkerchief to your eyes, my ears rang again Flory’s law, aiming instinct, I reached for my handkerchief and picked it up because my forehead, my other hand, I stroked his hair a bit and discovered that pops up at the bare head

Suddenly, on impulse, I pulled the scarf over my head, I let the black rubber band that held my hair, and I shook my head slowly from side to side, giving the hair soft surf on my shoulders

Lightly oh, a sense of delight and wrapped the body release

‘Day display! No more costumes! Loving voice said and gave me a hug

I am a new Hadassah. No more nurturing to the eyes, I chose another, and so it will remain! Encourages new decision I got up and walked to the bathroom first steps visible hair long and wavy, caressed my neck every step and made me feel all my being the word

At the time, became the long-awaited, and some individual moments of happiness, a reality:

freedom.

 

 

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