Met Ball

I meant to do this ages ago, but um, just forgot.  Below is my under-one-sentence analysis of everyone photographed for the Cut’s slideshow.  I sent this to a few friends who asked what I thought of the get-ups, and they often responded with thinly-veiled concern.  “So… how’s work going these days?’

1. Beyonce –– meh

2. Anne Hathaway –– nice, but so obviously trying to shed her good girl image

3. Gisele –– a little more South Beach than punk but she looks fine as always

4. Gwyneth –– I hate that I don’t hate this

5. Anna Wintour –– boring

6. Rooney Mara –– I usually like her shtick (even though it is shtick) and I think this is topical

7. Lauren Santo Domingo –– sure

8. Kimye –– wake me when these two are done-so

9. Nicki Minaj –– I never signed on for her, so I refuse to comment

10. Katie Holmes –– only nod to punk is her faux-hawk.  Otherwise it’s a little too diaphanous.  It looks like something from Intermix.

11. Dakota Fanning –– I like

12. Joan Smalls –– I like

13. Kirsten Dunst –– I like but I don’t know if I’d call it PUNK

14. Madonna –– I have been over her for at least ten years

15. MKO –– hm… weird, as usual, not exactly punk but a little laissez-faire, so I’m in!

16. SJP –– I appreciate that hat more than I can say

17. Lena Dunham –– really don’t care

18. Giovanna Bataglia –– could have lost the choker

19. Miley Cyrus –– A for effort

20. Donatella Versace –– I don’t even know what she was wearing because I navigated away quickly bc her face scares me

21. Psy –– memes are invited?

22. Ashley Olsen –– I hate orange, but it’s pretty, but it’s not punk

23. Linda Evangelista –– she looks like Cinderella, and I do not mean that as a compliment

24. Maggie Gyllenhaal –– boring

25. the Courtins sisters –– look like particularly unfashionable Russian femme bots

26. Claire Danes –– looks exactly the same as she always does

27. Jessica Seinfeld –– she’s a hot mom.

28. Zachary Quinto –– punky!

29. Julianne Moore –– kinda cool?  she’s awesome, so I’ll give it to her

30. John Demsey –– I have no idea who this is

31. Emily Blunt –– aw, she looks happy and she’s wearing pink eyeshadow!  Well done

32. Leelee Sobieski –– I haven’t decided if I’m okay with her being famous again

33. Jennifer Lawrence –– for once, I’m not 100% on her

34. Jennifer Lopez –– very J. Lo, not at all punk

35. Plum Skyes –– looks like a curtain

36. Kristin Stewart –– enormously unflattering

37. Rita Ora –– I can’t figure out what’s coming out of the back of her dress

38. Eve –– very ornate, I’m into it

39. Andrew Bevan –– I’m not evaluating people I’ve never heard of

40. Jessica Pare –– I’m intrigued.  It’s daring but not campy.  [ed note: upon realizing she was wearing pants, I quickly recanted my approval]

41. Emma Watson –– misses the mark

42. Kathryn Neale Shaffer –– who is this?  She’s kind of scary looking

43. Miguel –– just because you stick out your tongue does not mean you are punk

44. Cameron Diaz –– I like it, in theory.  It’s kind of unflattering but cool.

45. Elizabeth Banks –– I hate it but I get why she chose it

46. Carine Roitfeld –– I just don’t fucking know

47. Mindy Kaling –– she looks cute!  But not punk

48. Gwen Stefani –– I very much approve of this

49. Rosie Huntington-Whitely –– I’m a sucker for anything avian-themed

50. Nikolaj –– boys’ clothes are boring

51. Jamie Campbell and Lily Collins –– this made me smile!

52. Dree Hemingway –– I like it but I would have tweaked a few things (her hair for one)

53. Ashley Greene –– boring (I mean her, not the dress… the dress too, but she’s the bigger nonentity)

54. Jessica Biel –– cool in theory, make it look like she has cankles

55. Kerry Washington –– her smallness freaks me out

56. Sienna Miller –– a role she was born to play

57. Marky Ramone –– was he invited because he’s a Ramone?

58. Zandra Rhodes –– appropriate

59. Naomie Harris –– Pretty I guess?

60. Karolina Kurkova –– Sure?

61. Taylor Swift –– this must have been really hard for her.  Good try!

62. Nicole Richie –– HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!

63. Diane Von Furstenberg –– looks the same as she always does

64. Christina Ricci –– well done but her stance reminds me of Betsy Johnson?

65. Stacy Keibler –– I’m outraged she was invited and I was not

66. Kate Upton –– Palm Beach Barbie

67. Karlie Kloss –– very pretty, not at all punk

68. Liya Kebede –– no opinion

69. Chelsea Clinton –– more politics than prose

70. Marion Cotillard –– I like it, it’s interesting, it’s not the best I’ve seen

71. Florence Welch –– duh

72. Miranda Kerr –– just because your clothing has cut outs doesn’t mean it’s punk

73. Michelle Williams –– black tie pixie

74. Olivia Wilde –– kinda cool.  I know I just knocked Kerr for this but this cut-out is interesting.

75. Alicia Keyes –– predictable

76. Tory Burch –– didn’t even try

77. Lala Anthony –– I have nothing

78. Uma Thurman –– weird in a good way (I think)

79. Hilary Rhoda –– pants!  well done

80. Jessica Alba –– snooze

81. Kate Beckinsale –– looks the SAME AS SHE ALWAYS DOES

82. Tim Minchin –– who is this?

83. Coco Rocha –– well played Coco!

84. Brian Atwood –– boy

85. Christopher Walsh –– boy

86. Nora Zehetner –– this is more an Bombay Nights theme

87. Stella McCartney –– can’t tell from this picture

88. Debbie Harry–– hahaha amazing

89. Emilia Clarke –– she looks hot but ___ (see stock complaint below)

90. Tyson Beckford –– bitch please

91. Jessica Hart –– I approve

92. Allison Williams –– YES nice job!

93. Renee Zellweger –– Reminds me of a spiderweb

94. The Family Hilfiger –– Trying too hard

95. Skarsgard –– boy

96. Lily Aldridge and Caleb Followill –– not trying at all

97. Carey Mulligan –– I’m a sucker for her.  Not bad?

98. Elizabeth Chambers and Armie Hammer –– I don’t know who these people are

99. Ziyi Zhang –– same as always

100. Greta Gerwig –– she annoys me

101. Hilaria –– boring

102. Alexa Chung –– very Chungy but nice

103. January Jones –– she looks like a FREAK and I love it!

104. Anja Rubik –– see comment re: Elizabeth Banks

105. Bee Shaffer –– I bet it hurt her to have her nails painted black

106. Kylie Minogue –– nice, but not punk

107. Ginnifer Goodwin –– well played

108. Tiger and Lindsay –– STFU

109. Emma Roberts –– meh

110. Elle Fanning –– A little more 70s Hair than punk

111. Blake Lively –– what’s a level of enthusiasm below meh?

112. Katy Perry –– this is literally the only time I haven’t loathed her

113. Dylan Lauren –– she looks like a real housewife.  Is she one?

114. Minka Kelly –– thoughtful

115. Lauren Lauren –– black and lace, works on others, but I can tell she’s faking it

116. Julie Macklow –– who is this?

117. Heidi Klum –– I hate it when people don’t even try to meet the theme

118. Hailee Steinfeld –– YES subtle and pretty but still edgy

119. Selby Drummond –– we went to camp together.  Why is she there?

120. Emmy Rossum –– is that a bird’s nest on her head?

121. Aubrey Plaza –– confused

122. Amanda Seyfried –– if it’s punky that must be in the front

123. Kate Mara –– are those tassels?

124. Solange –– can not go to themed things because she’s too SOLANGEY

125. Andy Cohen –– no

126. Carolyn Murphy –– black with lace and feathers and somehow not punk

127. Fran Leibowitz –– excellent

128. Jaime King –– nicely done

129. Michelle Dockery –– okay

130. Nina Dobrev –– somehow this strikes me as more Shakira than punk

131. Chloe Sevigny –– made me laugh, which I consider a triumph (punk is funny!)

132. Amber Heard –– very pretty = epic fail

133. Bella Heathcote –– she doesn’t look like a real person

134. Julianne Hough –– meh

135. Sam Gainsbury –– good effort, but who is this?

136. Kelly Osbourne and beau –– this wasn’t hard for htem

137. Gerard Butler –– boy

138. Doutzen Kroes –– I get it

139. Sebastian Stan –– whatever

140. Felicity Jones –– could have tried harder

141. Sofia Coppola –– hilarious, love it

142. Victor Cruz & Lady –– meh

143. Cara Crowley –– horrible

144. Alexis Welch and man –– good for her!  effort AND she’s pregnant

145. Anne Vincent –– overgrown debutante

146. Constance Jablonski –– nice!

147. Sandra Lee –– …

148. Megan Salt and Nancy Chilton –– I guess these are getting less famous/well-styled as the list goes on

149. Ivanka Trump –– fail

150. Hayley Bloomingdale –– meh

151. Giuliana Rancic –– meh

152. Jennifer Morrison –– I approve actually

153. Redgrave ladies –– hits and misses

Stock complaint: most women wore pretty dresses and one crucifix earring, or black nailpolish and Givenchy.  I think someone should have pierced their tongue solely for the occasion.

FINAL NOTE: I just realized today that Sienna Miller’s NAILS WERE SPIKED!  Way to go.

ouch.

ouch.

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