I meant to do this ages ago, but um, just forgot. Below is my under-one-sentence analysis of everyone photographed for the Cut’s slideshow. I sent this to a few friends who asked what I thought of the get-ups, and they often responded with thinly-veiled concern. “So… how’s work going these days?’
1. Beyonce –– meh
2. Anne Hathaway –– nice, but so obviously trying to shed her good girl image
3. Gisele –– a little more South Beach than punk but she looks fine as always
4. Gwyneth –– I hate that I don’t hate this
5. Anna Wintour –– boring
6. Rooney Mara –– I usually like her shtick (even though it is shtick) and I think this is topical
7. Lauren Santo Domingo –– sure
8. Kimye –– wake me when these two are done-so
9. Nicki Minaj –– I never signed on for her, so I refuse to comment
10. Katie Holmes –– only nod to punk is her faux-hawk. Otherwise it’s a little too diaphanous. It looks like something from Intermix.
11. Dakota Fanning –– I like
12. Joan Smalls –– I like
13. Kirsten Dunst –– I like but I don’t know if I’d call it PUNK
14. Madonna –– I have been over her for at least ten years
15. MKO –– hm… weird, as usual, not exactly punk but a little laissez-faire, so I’m in!
16. SJP –– I appreciate that hat more than I can say
17. Lena Dunham –– really don’t care
18. Giovanna Bataglia –– could have lost the choker
19. Miley Cyrus –– A for effort
20. Donatella Versace –– I don’t even know what she was wearing because I navigated away quickly bc her face scares me
21. Psy –– memes are invited?
22. Ashley Olsen –– I hate orange, but it’s pretty, but it’s not punk
23. Linda Evangelista –– she looks like Cinderella, and I do not mean that as a compliment
24. Maggie Gyllenhaal –– boring
25. the Courtins sisters –– look like particularly unfashionable Russian femme bots
26. Claire Danes –– looks exactly the same as she always does
27. Jessica Seinfeld –– she’s a hot mom.
28. Zachary Quinto –– punky!
29. Julianne Moore –– kinda cool? she’s awesome, so I’ll give it to her
30. John Demsey –– I have no idea who this is
31. Emily Blunt –– aw, she looks happy and she’s wearing pink eyeshadow! Well done
32. Leelee Sobieski –– I haven’t decided if I’m okay with her being famous again
33. Jennifer Lawrence –– for once, I’m not 100% on her
34. Jennifer Lopez –– very J. Lo, not at all punk
35. Plum Skyes –– looks like a curtain
36. Kristin Stewart –– enormously unflattering
37. Rita Ora –– I can’t figure out what’s coming out of the back of her dress
38. Eve –– very ornate, I’m into it
39. Andrew Bevan –– I’m not evaluating people I’ve never heard of
40. Jessica Pare –– I’m intrigued. It’s daring but not campy. [ed note: upon realizing she was wearing pants, I quickly recanted my approval]
41. Emma Watson –– misses the mark
42. Kathryn Neale Shaffer –– who is this? She’s kind of scary looking
43. Miguel –– just because you stick out your tongue does not mean you are punk
44. Cameron Diaz –– I like it, in theory. It’s kind of unflattering but cool.
45. Elizabeth Banks –– I hate it but I get why she chose it
46. Carine Roitfeld –– I just don’t fucking know
47. Mindy Kaling –– she looks cute! But not punk
48. Gwen Stefani –– I very much approve of this
49. Rosie Huntington-Whitely –– I’m a sucker for anything avian-themed
50. Nikolaj –– boys’ clothes are boring
51. Jamie Campbell and Lily Collins –– this made me smile!
52. Dree Hemingway –– I like it but I would have tweaked a few things (her hair for one)
53. Ashley Greene –– boring (I mean her, not the dress… the dress too, but she’s the bigger nonentity)
54. Jessica Biel –– cool in theory, make it look like she has cankles
55. Kerry Washington –– her smallness freaks me out
56. Sienna Miller –– a role she was born to play
57. Marky Ramone –– was he invited because he’s a Ramone?
58. Zandra Rhodes –– appropriate
59. Naomie Harris –– Pretty I guess?
60. Karolina Kurkova –– Sure?
61. Taylor Swift –– this must have been really hard for her. Good try!
62. Nicole Richie –– HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!
63. Diane Von Furstenberg –– looks the same as she always does
64. Christina Ricci –– well done but her stance reminds me of Betsy Johnson?
65. Stacy Keibler –– I’m outraged she was invited and I was not
66. Kate Upton –– Palm Beach Barbie
67. Karlie Kloss –– very pretty, not at all punk
68. Liya Kebede –– no opinion
69. Chelsea Clinton –– more politics than prose
70. Marion Cotillard –– I like it, it’s interesting, it’s not the best I’ve seen
71. Florence Welch –– duh
72. Miranda Kerr –– just because your clothing has cut outs doesn’t mean it’s punk
73. Michelle Williams –– black tie pixie
74. Olivia Wilde –– kinda cool. I know I just knocked Kerr for this but this cut-out is interesting.
75. Alicia Keyes –– predictable
76. Tory Burch –– didn’t even try
77. Lala Anthony –– I have nothing
78. Uma Thurman –– weird in a good way (I think)
79. Hilary Rhoda –– pants! well done
80. Jessica Alba –– snooze
81. Kate Beckinsale –– looks the SAME AS SHE ALWAYS DOES
82. Tim Minchin –– who is this?
83. Coco Rocha –– well played Coco!
84. Brian Atwood –– boy
85. Christopher Walsh –– boy
86. Nora Zehetner –– this is more an Bombay Nights theme
87. Stella McCartney –– can’t tell from this picture
88. Debbie Harry–– hahaha amazing
89. Emilia Clarke –– she looks hot but ___ (see stock complaint below)
90. Tyson Beckford –– bitch please
91. Jessica Hart –– I approve
92. Allison Williams –– YES nice job!
93. Renee Zellweger –– Reminds me of a spiderweb
94. The Family Hilfiger –– Trying too hard
95. Skarsgard –– boy
96. Lily Aldridge and Caleb Followill –– not trying at all
97. Carey Mulligan –– I’m a sucker for her. Not bad?
98. Elizabeth Chambers and Armie Hammer –– I don’t know who these people are
99. Ziyi Zhang –– same as always
100. Greta Gerwig –– she annoys me
101. Hilaria –– boring
102. Alexa Chung –– very Chungy but nice
103. January Jones –– she looks like a FREAK and I love it!
104. Anja Rubik –– see comment re: Elizabeth Banks
105. Bee Shaffer –– I bet it hurt her to have her nails painted black
106. Kylie Minogue –– nice, but not punk
107. Ginnifer Goodwin –– well played
108. Tiger and Lindsay –– STFU
109. Emma Roberts –– meh
110. Elle Fanning –– A little more 70s Hair than punk
111. Blake Lively –– what’s a level of enthusiasm below meh?
112. Katy Perry –– this is literally the only time I haven’t loathed her
113. Dylan Lauren –– she looks like a real housewife. Is she one?
114. Minka Kelly –– thoughtful
115. Lauren Lauren –– black and lace, works on others, but I can tell she’s faking it
116. Julie Macklow –– who is this?
117. Heidi Klum –– I hate it when people don’t even try to meet the theme
118. Hailee Steinfeld –– YES subtle and pretty but still edgy
119. Selby Drummond –– we went to camp together. Why is she there?
120. Emmy Rossum –– is that a bird’s nest on her head?
121. Aubrey Plaza –– confused
122. Amanda Seyfried –– if it’s punky that must be in the front
123. Kate Mara –– are those tassels?
124. Solange –– can not go to themed things because she’s too SOLANGEY
125. Andy Cohen –– no
126. Carolyn Murphy –– black with lace and feathers and somehow not punk
127. Fran Leibowitz –– excellent
128. Jaime King –– nicely done
129. Michelle Dockery –– okay
130. Nina Dobrev –– somehow this strikes me as more Shakira than punk
131. Chloe Sevigny –– made me laugh, which I consider a triumph (punk is funny!)
132. Amber Heard –– very pretty = epic fail
133. Bella Heathcote –– she doesn’t look like a real person
134. Julianne Hough –– meh
135. Sam Gainsbury –– good effort, but who is this?
136. Kelly Osbourne and beau –– this wasn’t hard for htem
137. Gerard Butler –– boy
138. Doutzen Kroes –– I get it
139. Sebastian Stan –– whatever
140. Felicity Jones –– could have tried harder
141. Sofia Coppola –– hilarious, love it
142. Victor Cruz & Lady –– meh
143. Cara Crowley –– horrible
144. Alexis Welch and man –– good for her! effort AND she’s pregnant
145. Anne Vincent –– overgrown debutante
146. Constance Jablonski –– nice!
147. Sandra Lee –– …
148. Megan Salt and Nancy Chilton –– I guess these are getting less famous/well-styled as the list goes on
149. Ivanka Trump –– fail
150. Hayley Bloomingdale –– meh
151. Giuliana Rancic –– meh
152. Jennifer Morrison –– I approve actually
153. Redgrave ladies –– hits and misses
Stock complaint: most women wore pretty dresses and one crucifix earring, or black nailpolish and Givenchy. I think someone should have pierced their tongue solely for the occasion.
FINAL NOTE: I just realized today that Sienna Miller’s NAILS WERE SPIKED! Way to go.
ouch.
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