Itinerantdaughter's Blog

Dearest YDN (Friend who works at Google),
First of all, let me say hello, and ask you how you are?  It’s been ages!  Part of that is because I’m down in Miami half the year (already in the role of Jewish grandma) and so have not been around when you’ve been out to visit NYC.  I miss you, though, and hope you are well and munching on good organic Californian froyo.  I’m hoping to get out to San Fran at some point in the next year (this may be wishful thinking, as I have little money and time)…regardless, we’ll cross paths at some point, I have no doubt.

I’m writing on behalf of the Citizens of Gmail, which, as you well know, is pretty much everyone in the world at this point.  For the most part, we’re happy with our governing body, pleased with your benevolent mandates and clear, concise laws.  You treat our children well, and skirmishes, few and far between, almost never end in fatalities.  However, an outcry has arose across the land over the past twenty-four hours.  You see, many Gmail peons feel they have been thrown into a whirlwind of confusion by a strange and unexpected addition to their worlds known as BUZZ.  The overall consensus, from what I’ve gathered (and with which I agree), is that Google did not properly inform us of the nature of this Buzz feature, nor were we explicitly asked if we wanted the Buzz feature in our browsers.  One person did state that she was given the option, but many, many others voiced feelings running the gamut from irritation to downright enmity.

I myself went to a Google Help Page and looked at the instructions for Buzz, but they did not include a section on how to get rid of it (not how to make yourself invisible, or how to make Buzz invisible to you, but how to EXTERMINATE THE BUMBLEBEE.)  So naturally when I was prompted to answer whether or not the page was helpful, I said no.  A box for text popped up, and I wrote that I wanted to get rid of buzz, but have you ever seen the movie Blindness, with Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo?  It’s not that good, so don’t Netflix it, but at one point, all the citizens of Any City afflicted with the blind illness are rounded up and incarcerated in an old hospital, and they give them one phone “for emergencies only,” and Julianne Moore keeps calling but eventually they figure out no one is at the other end.  So yeah, that’s kind of what it felt like to send a note to Google, Inc.

Google is great.  We really do love you for the most part, but people don’t want things sprung on them, you dig?  It makes them feel violated, or ignored.  If you have any idea how to get rid of Buzz, I will pay good money for that info, or if you have any sway with the high ups in Google (is it an egalitarian microcosm by now?) please communicate to them that their citizenry is discontent, and close to staging a coup.  Lock up your women, cause we about to rape and pillage.

Seriously, though, I miss you.  Hope you’re well.

Love,

ID