Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category

What Fresh Hell

May 11, 2016

Yesterday, many news outlets over here featured a story like this, about a simulated terror attack at a big shopping center in Manchester.  Here’s the gist: the Home Office and the Manchester Police arranged for a fake suicide bomber to attack the shopping mall, “injuring” fake victims in the process.  (They got called out on Twitter for having the bomber scream, “Allahu Akbar!”)  It’s during moments like these that I begin to believe we’re truly living in a postmodern dystopia, a la White Noise.

“That’s quite an armband you’ve got there.  What does SIMUVAC mean?  Sounds important.”

“Short for simulated evacuation.  Anew state program they’re still battling over funds for.”

“But this evacuation isn’t simulated.  It’s real.”

“We know that.  But we thought we could use it as a model.”

“A form of practice?  Are you saying you saw a chance to use the real event in order to rehearse the simulation?”

“We took it right into the streets.”

“How is it going?” I said.

“The insection curve isn’t as smooth as we would like.  There’s a probability excess.  Plus which we don’t have our victims laid out where we’d want them if this was an actual simulation.  In other words we’re forced to take our victims as we find them.  We didn’t get a jump on computer traffic.  Suddenly it just spilled out, three-dimensionally, all over the landscape.  You have to make allowances for the fact that everything we see tonight is real.  There’s a lot of polishing we still have to do.  But that’s what this exercise is all about.”

“What about the computers?  Is that real data you’re running through the system or is it just practice stuff?”
“You watch,” he said.

He spent a fair amount of time tapping on the keys and then studying coded responses on the data screen––a considerably longer time, it seemed to me, than he’d devoted to the people who preceded me in line.  In fact I began to feel that others were watching me.  I stood with my arms folded, trying to create a picture of an impassive man, someone in line at a hardware store waiting for the girl at the register to ring up his heavy-duty rope.  It seemed the only way to neutralize events, to counteract that passage of computerized dots that registered my life and death.  Look at no one, reveal nothing, remain still.  The genius of the primitive mind is that it can render human helplessness in noble and beautiful ways.

“You’re generating big numbers,” he said, peering at the screen.

***

I would love to do a long form piece all about these simulated terror attacks.  I’m particularly interested in how they cast them.

 

 

I Did Everything

May 1, 2016

Sorry for the big gap between posts, my five devoted readers!  I’ve been on vacation.  I know what you’re thinking: ID, isn’t your whole life kind of a vacation?  Uh, no, I have a full-time job being a garden variety neurotic, and that’s not an easy gig!

Anyway, last week in Jerusalem, I went to a gallery called the Museum on the Seam (so named because it is right on the Green Line.)  Wasn’t overwhelmed by the art there, but I did like one piece called “It Was Me.  Diary 1990-1999” by Italian artist Daniela Comani.  It’s a text piece that imagines the major events of the 20th century as if they all happened to one individual.  Here is the whole thing, and here (colon) is an excerpt:

February 20th. London. I took my life tonight. First I tried with an overdose of pills (150 antidepressants and 50 sleeping pills) but was saved in King s College hospital, where I hung myself 2 days later in the toilets in the middle of the night. February 21st. New York. I murdered Malcolm X during a speech in Harlem. February 22nd. I executed the siblings Hans and Sophie Scholl. February 23rd. Edinburgh. I cloned a sheep at the Roslin Institute: Dolly. February 24th. I presented ‘the 25 point program’ to the German Workers Party. February 25th. Unbloody putsch in the Philippines: I overthrew the president Ferdinando E. Marcos.”

My traveling companion (in life) didn’t like the piece, but I enjoyed it because I felt like no matter how obvious the conceit, it did make you think about each event as if it had happened to you for a millisecond.  Also, it reminded me of some horror movie I’ve seen––but forget the name of––in which the Devil (or some evil force named otherwise) reveals him/itself to have been behind all the tragedies of history.  A whiff of The Invisible Man, too.

BRITS ARE SO WEIRD

April 20, 2016

From the Evening Standard

Royal Bets at 90/1

Bookmakers are taking thousands of pounds in bets about the royal family ahead of the Queen’s 90th birthday.

The public are betting on wagers including whether the Queen will share her opinion on the EU referendum, turn up at Ascot without a hat [ed note: audible gasp!] or give a one-to-one interview this year.

Royal fans can also bet on whether the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will have triplets.

The odds on these royal flutters are being set at 90/1 in recognition of the monarch’s 90th birthday tomorrow by bookmakers Coral, which was founded in the year the Queen was born.

Coral spokeswoman Nicola McGeady said: “In the last 90 years the British public have bet on royal births, marriages, hat colours, heirs to the throne, abdications and even Harry’s beard.  There are plenty of punters who believe they can beat the bookies when it comes to betting on the royal family.”

Coral’s first bets on the monarchy began with Princess Elizabeth’s birth in 1926 over what she would be called.  Elizabeth was a favourite at 2/1, Victoria second favourite at 3/1 while Mary and Alexandra were priced at 5/1.

 

Party Trick

April 15, 2016

I’ve decided that from now on, when someone asks me what I do for a living, I’m going to respond, “It’s kind of complicated.  Have you seen that movie Inception, with Leonardo DiCaprio?  It’s basically that.”

A Gig for Me

April 7, 2016

Back last year when I was researching a piece on Amish converts, I read Called to Be Amish: My Journey from Head Majorette to the Old Order by Marlene Miller, which is, as the title describes, Miller’s memoir of becoming Amish.  She fell in love and eventually married a man who was born Amish but hadn’t, during their courtship and marriage, chosen to join the church (important note: the culturally popular notion of “rumspringa” isn’t always a year.  Because Amish aren’t eligible for baptism into the church until maybe fifteen or older––varies somewhat from community to community––a teenager can put off joining the church for years, during which time he or she could feasibly explore the world.  Shunning, as a postscript, really only happens when someone has joined the church and then reneged on his/her vows.)  After they had their first child, the couple joined the church together.

Anyway, back to Miller: now that I know I don’t need her participation for said piece, I can say without fear that the book isn’t good.  I mean, it is good in that the story is interesting and the perspective rare, but the writing isn’t going to get your blood flowing, if you’re into that kind of thing, which I am.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say she shouldn’t write because she isn’t a writer (like I would with many celebrities who pen memoirs) but high art, this ain’t.

And yet––there was a moment in her prefatory acknowledgments that made me jealous about my lack of involvement with the text.  Here it is:
“I’d like to thank Elsie Kline for typing my first draft.  Because I wrote everything longhand, I’m sure she had a very difficult time.”

Now there is a job for me: typing up the memoirs of an Amish convert.  Who is this Elsie Kline, and what kind of bribery does she accept?

 

Bad Choices

March 29, 2016

Do you ever see a person reading a copy of A Million Little Pieces and think, “Hm, were the pickings real slim at your local Barnes & Noble, or did you just miss that whole Oprah shaming thing?”

Think Piece Anxiety?

March 24, 2016

Are you wondering whether you should write a think-piece?  I’ve made a helpful flow chart to help you decide!

Screen Shot 2016-03-24 at 10.49.56 AM

 

Perhaps Unfair, and Almost Definitely Not Politically Correct, But…

March 23, 2016

Remember when I was talking about Sybil?  Of course you do––it was just a few posts back.  Anyway, over this past weekend, sick in bed and literally voice-less, I decided to re-read the Debbie Nathan book––for research, and also because salacious psych exposes are my kryptonite.  That’s beside the point.  Anyway, in the book, Nathan mentions that during the MPD craze of the eighties and nineties, someone started a newsletter for multiple personality sufferers called Many Voices.  And lo and behold, the entire archives are online.  It’s equal parts legitimately sad and disturbing and, shall we say, meta-sad and disturbing, knowing now how many of these people were likely to have been manipulated in therapy.  My favorite part of the newsletters––again, I know this isn’t technically funny, but… ––is the optimistic/humorous (opti-humorous?) koans offered by various contributors.  Below, a selection:

“If we’re multiples, they’re monotones.”
“If someone says, ‘That doesn’t sound like you,’ it probably wasn’t.”
“Caution!  Subject to rapid personality changes.”
“I found myself!  And another, and another, and another… ”
“Maximum occupancy: 200 people bodies.”
“I had just learned that I am a multiple, and was feeling stunned and angry about it.  ‘Forget this,’ I said, ‘I’m not playing host to all these people.  Everybody OUT.  Immediately.'”
“I’m a community.  Who are you?”
“We’re not all multiples.”
“What is a multiple’s favorite fruit?  Bananas––they come in bunches.”
“TV Guide: MPD––your alternative to MTV.  We dance to the beat of a different drummer.  Featuring The Dissociations, a hot new group from the Ego States.  Like Madonna, they constantly reinvent themselves.”
“No longer alone.  Supported by others, who have others!”
“How does a person diagnosed with MPD know they are completely fused?  When they hear the word multiple and think VITAMINS!”

 

 

Awkward Avatars

March 11, 2016

Is it just me or is it weird that the psychologist who conceived of the Stanford Prison Experiment has this as a Gmail picture?

z man

Not Kidding, Or: Sybil! The Musical

March 6, 2016

Very frequently I say deadly serious things that people assume are jokes.  Like, “Hey, save me some of that Percocet you’ll be prescribed post-back surgery!”  Or, “I actually believe that photographs steal a bit of the subject’s soul.”  Or, “Remember when I exhibited at Art Basel in Miami?”  People laugh and say, “ID, you’re so funny,” and I’m left scratching my head, wondering how I could communicate to others better when I really mean something and when I’m just joshing around.  Case in point: when I beseech people to find me a musical theater composer to help me write the libretto for a project I’m working on called Sybil! The Musical, and they laugh and then never find me any damn composer.

For those of you not into psych misery lit, Sybil is a classic––nay, THE classic––of the genre.  Written by Flora Rheta Schreiber, with the help (or perhaps collusion) of psychiatrist Cornelia Wilber, Sybil tells the story of Shirley Mason––not named in the book––a young woman inhabited by sixteen distinct personalities.  Her condition––Multiple Personality Disorder––was, the good doctor discovered, the result of unbelievable childhood trauma.  When it was published in the 1970s, the public went wild for the story, and for the diagnosis (prior to Sybil, fewer than two hundred cases had been documented; after its release, individual clinicians claimed to be seeing thousands of cases a year.)  There was a TV movie starring Sally Field, multiple appearances on talk shows for Schreiber and Wilbur, and talks of board games, dolls, and t-shirts.

One small glitch, though: Sybil wasn’t true.  There was a woman named Shirley Mason, and she did enter therapy, but as Debbie Nathan tells it in Sybil Exposed, her fascinating 2011 expose of the whole clusterfuck, Shirley was heavily influenced by her therapist––and the drugs Wilbur frequently administered to her hapless patient––to basically behave like someone with MPD.  And then doctor hooked up with writer and figured they could all get rich off the very salacious story of sex abuse, inner children, and ultimately, redemption.

One of the offshoots of Sybil they considered was a musical.  Here’s Nathan:

“By 1986 [Flora Rheta Schreiber] realized that The Shoemaker [the book she wrote after Sybil] had put her $100,000 in debt.  Sybil had sold millions of copies in America by then and been published in nineteen foreign editions, yet Flora was utterly broke.  Desperate to make money, she tried to sell The Shoemaker to Hollywood or television.  There were no takers.  She pitched spinoffs of the TV version of Sybil: a soap opera; a Broadway musical she proposed should be choreographed by Twyla Tharp, with songs including ‘The Peggy Part of Me,’ ‘Nobody Likes Girls,’ and ‘I Want to Be the Man I Marry.’  These efforts also bombed.”

When I first read about the musical, I thought it was the funniest fucking thing I had ever heard.  Obviously I’m not talking about Shirley Mason’s predicament, or the wave of irresponsible psychiatry her ersatz biography spawned, but just the concept of the musical.  I have––no exaggeration–-thought about Sybil! The Musical every day for the last two years.  And finally, I’ve decided to make a go of it.  But I have no idea how to write a musical.  For a short while in 2014, I worked for a very famous actor (his NDA spidey sense is probably kicking in right now) who was writing a musical, but I actually think I was better prepared to work within this genre before I had that experience.  All I know is that I’ve decided on a meta-plot––the play will be about a troupe of actors working to put on a production of Sybil, in other words––and that the grand finale will be a modern dance-esque sequence in which all Sybil’s personalities merge together, culminating in a spirited version of “One” from A Chorus Line (provided I can secure the rights.)

So!  Now that you know I am NOT KIDDING, will you help me find my composer?  I think this will take Edinburgh Fringe by storm.