I’m looking to find someone who is planning on committing suicide anyway –– as in, has called the hotlines, tried the meds, done the treatments, no dice –– and wasn’t planning on leaving a note so I can strike a deal that they will leave a post-it at the scene that simply reads, “I cannot live in a world where there is a Tumblr devoted solely to Tumblrs.” That way, his/her death will not be in vain.
Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category
Anybody Planning to Off Him/Herself?
June 6, 2012AHAHAHAHA!
June 4, 2012The only person who understands me professionally sent me this anecdote this morning, which is, as she says, awful and yet hilarious:
HS-D: Unrelated but horrific and funny side note: some friends of mine were telling me yesterday about the utterly insane, super preppy family they babysit for, and the children–Calem and Maude–have a cousin named CAPABILITY. And the worst part: Capability has a battery of learning disorders. How can these be the real lives of real people?
THE ONE AND ONLY REASON YOU NEED TO DROP OUT OF SOCIETY
May 30, 2012My brother and I were writing a list of reasons why we want to drop out of society, but apparently I can scrap that project because this is the only reason I really need.
Are You Depressed, Bipolar, Anxious? This App Can Tell You For Sure
By Dianna Dilworth on May 30, 2012 3:08 PM
If you are feeling down and think you may be suffering from a mental illness, WhatsMyM3, by M-3 Information, is an app that helps you test your mental well being.
Available for iOS and Android, the $2.99 app is cheaper than visiting a professional (through they do recommend that if you test positive for a mental disorder, that you seek real world help). The app asks questions like, “Over the last two weeks or more, have you noticed the following: Nothing seems to give me much pleasure.”
Here is what the app has to offer: “WhatsMyM3 is based on a research validated screen that in 3 minutes assesses your risk of depression, bipolar and anxiety and PTSD. After completing the short checklist you receive a personalized confidential report sharing how much burden these symptoms may be causing you. Please reach out to a professional or go directly to the emergency room should you feel a need for help.” (Via USA Today).
Some Possible Responses Include:
1. Why don’t people just lug around the DSM-IV like I do?
2. Is there an app that will point me to the best spots nearby from which I can jump and meet certain death? Because thanks to you people, THAT’S WHAT I NEED NOW.
3. Too bad there’s no category on this blog called IT COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE WORSE.
Adventures in Craigslist, Part A Million
May 23, 2012What?!
Found in the “Writing Gigs” section:
Very long hair model is available (Greenwich Village)
Date: 2012-05-23, 5:45PM EDT
Reply to: 5rwxp-3034027446@gigs.craigslist.org
Please kindly respond with your best offer if you need a very very long gorgeous female hair model to cut and buy all my virgin hair, it would be greatly appreciated!
Sincere thanks
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: Nego
PostingID: 3034027446
—-
Is it weird to anyone else that it’s not ok to contact this poster with “services or other commercial interests?” Something tells me she’d be down for it, whatever it is.
Nonfiction/Theory-Based/Guidebooks/Manifestos/Expositional Texts to Make Into Movies
May 22, 2012… a la What to Expect When You’re Expecting:
DSM-IV
The Anti-Internet Asifa Brochure
Society of the Spectacle
Dianetics
The Elements of Style
Totem and Taboo (almost any work by Freud, really)
The Anarchist’s Cookbook
Mao’s Little Red Book
The Birth of the Clinic
French Women Don’t Get Fat
An Open Letter To Gmail
May 17, 2012Dear Gmail,
I do appreciate that you are trying to help me out, but the fact that you claim that you know which emails are “important” based solely on “words that appear in the conversation” is totally audacious. *Maury Povich Finger Snap*
Step off,
ID
I Need Trow Now
May 15, 2012I’ve been at work for all of an hour and I’ve already seen five Internet things that make me kind of want to die (“13 Pictures of Writers in Funny Outfits,” “Babies in Car Seats Sing Hipster Song,” “Umpteenth Photographic Montage of Pretty Designers in Their Pretty House”) and to help me NOT want to die, here’s a little GWST, which gives me strength to brush aside my distaste for trivial information (trinfo.)
THE AESTHETIC OF THE HIT
The comfort was in agreement, the easy exercise of the modes of choice and preference. It was attractive and, as it was presented, not difficult. But, once interfered with, the processes of choice and preference began to take on an uncomfortable aspect. Choice in respect to important matters became more and more difficult; people found it troublesome to settle on a mode of work, for instance, or a partner. Choice in respect to trivial matters, on the other hand, assumed an importance that no one could have thought to predict. So what happened then was that important forces that had not been used, because they fell outside the new scale of national life (which was the life of television), began to find a home in the exercise of preference concerning trivial matters, so that attention, aspiration, even affection came to adhere to shimmers thrown up by the demography in trivial matters. The attraction of inappropriate attention, aspiration, and affection to a shimmer spins out, in its operation, a little mist of energy which is rather like love, but trivial, rather like a sense of home, but apt to disappear. In this mist exists the Aesthetic of the Hit.
Unintentionally Hilarious Headline
May 11, 2012“Obese Moms Give Birth to Dumber Babies”
Happy weekend, o svelte ones!
Now THIS Is Helpful
May 10, 2012We got a packet of books here at my office that we’re thinking of publishing –– very quirkily designed self-help books put out by Alain de Botton’s School of Life, located in London. I’m a fan of de Botton (despite never having read any book of his) and of the SoL, but I don’t have much use for most self-help as I was in therapy long enough to be bestowed an honorary PhD. Usually, if I need help, I just listen to the air, or read The Tao or Within the Context of No Context for the umpteenth time (both.) So for work, I was assigned to read Philippa Perry’s How to Stay Sane, one of a series (which includes How to Think More About Sex and How to Find Fulfilling Work) and while it was well-written, most of it just wasn’t unknown to me. There was, however, one extremely funny and soothing sentence about 3/4 of the way through:
“I sometimes look at a busy street and think: in a hundred years, we will all be dead.”
I think maybe we ought to establish a type of therapy called Radical Acceptance of Death. In this practice, the patient comes in, begins to speak about his/her dilemmas, a la CBT, and the therapist just responds to every single concern with, “What does it matter? You’ll be dead soon, anyway.” Eventually the patient will succumb to the inevitability of his/her demise and things will just seem less important, overall.
Another One Bites the Dust
May 9, 2012Did I ever tell you my best friend ever told me in elementary school that she uncontrollably sang the eponymous song in her head at funerals? That’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard, and it’s been 20 years, and that… is kind of sad, if you think about it.
N E Way, after my Lagerfeld’s Sandbox post, my friend LB sent me this curt little email:
Subject: sorry to burst your bubble
Body: unless this one has already been busted. but i was reading itinerant daughter, and wanted her to know that this already exists:
http://childrenwithswag.tumblr.com/
I responded with a, “It figures, but at least my captions are funny.” And they are.
One for the road:
Somebody forgot to tell Esme that yes, she looked cute, but feet-less leggings are so 2003.
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