Archive for the ‘I Hate Writing’ Category

Jealousy, Transformed

May 5, 2014

I hate when I feel a tinge of the green monster when reading an article I wish I had written.  Of course, I immediately expected to feel that way when I read Stephanie Rosenbloom’s “Solo in Paris” in the Times.  When I went to Paris alone on vacation in 2011, I had figured it was the whimsy of a naif; but lo, it was a worthwhile topic, in the Times, no less!

“This was not simply because I was in Paris,” she writes, “though it has long held a kind of magic for many Americans. It was because I was there on my own. In a city that has been perfecting beauty since the reign of Napoleon III, there are innumerable sensual details — patterns, textures, colors, sounds — that can be diluted, even missed, when chattering with someone or collaborating on an itinerary. Alone one becomes acutely aware of the hollow clack of pétanque balls in a park; the patina of Maillol’s bronze “Baigneuse se Coiffant” that makes her look wet even on a cloudless day in the Tuileries; how each of the empty wine bottles beside sidewalk recycling bins is the embodiment of someone’s good time. There is a Paris that deeply rewards the solo traveler.”

At the end, she wonders if she can ever retain that blissful feeling that comes from walking around Paris with no agenda.  I’m here to tell you, Stephanie, that you can.  Reading your piece brought back that feeling for me.  Literary Prozac, of sorts.  Or Beaujolais Nouveau.  Perhaps I will write my own travelogue, and someone else can write theirs, and so on and so forth, and we can pile them all into an anthology to be titled The Joy of the Flaneur.

STILL STRUGGLING

April 24, 2014

And seriously considering applying for this gig:

Writer for Mad Men Themed Adult Film (Midtown)

compensation: $500-1000 if scene is produced, plus competitive weekly pay for staff writers if hired
Looking for a writer for scenes [or entire production] for a large scale production, Mad Men (AMC) themed adult film.

Unfortunately due to preproduction agreements, we cannot release many details of the production. We are one of the five largest adult film production companies in the United States, and we’re beginning preproduction for a few popular TV series adult film (see: porn) spoofs, but, to be frank, our writers aren’t living up to our standards.

Are you a fan of adult films and AMC’s hit Mad Men? Can you write a decent piece of fan fiction that ends in a steamy hookup?

Send us:
One [or more, if you’re ambitious] piece of fan fiction for Mad Men, a lead in scene for an adult film. Maybe Peggy storms into Don’s office. Maybe Joan and Roger on the stairs at Sterling/Cooper. It’s up to you. We’re looking for explicit, sexual, provocative and Mad Men-referencial. Get ridiculous.
And send any experience you have in writing, though being a huge fan will go a long ways, trust us.

File Formats accepted: .pdf, Final Draft documents, .doc, .docx, .pages

If you’re scene is put into production, we pay. If we REALLY like what you’re doing, we’re hiring staff writers. Need these ASAP, as we want to hit production very quickly.

We’re also hiring for our Game of Thrones (HBO) themed adult film.

Struggling Through

April 23, 2014

I hate what I am writing right now, but I have to just bang it out.  What I’d like to do is look at blogs all day.  The blogosphere is aflutter over the news that People magazine chose angel Lupita Nyong’o as their Most Beautiful Person.  I’m sort of disappointed that a contrarian feminist writer (paging Roxane Gay!) didn’t write an op-ed titled: “Why Do We Even Have Most Beautiful Lists Anymore?  And Who Even Reads People?  AND WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DAMN MALAYSIAN AIRPLANE?”

JUST GET A FUCKING TWITTER ACCOUNT ALREADY

April 21, 2014

If William Faulkner were alive, he’d get an artistic restraining order against James Franco.

Happy Almost-Birthday/Passover

April 15, 2014
They're ready to go!

They’re ready to go!

A Tweet

April 10, 2014

I want to have a roundtable on social media with Jonathan Franzen and Fran Lebowitz.  I probably should get some people to represent the other side, but why bother?

Sei Shonagon: Feminist?

April 8, 2014

From The Pillow Book:

“When I make myself imagine what it is like to be one of those women who live at home, faithfully serving their husbands––women who have not a single exciting prospect in life yet who believe that they are perfectly happy––I am filled with scorn.  Often they are of quite good birth, yet have had no opportunity to find out what the world is like.  I wish they could live for a while in our society, even if it should mean taking service as Attendants, so that they might come to know the delights it has to offer.”

Treif Alert!

April 2, 2014

More freelancer problems: some days you spend all afternoon trying to draw portraits of Clarice Lispector, and they all turn out wrong, because she just looks too damn happy.

This week, if nothing else, at least I finally read The Passion of G.H., which has been on my list for at least five years.  It was strange and boring and exhilarating and transcendent and crass all at once.  Thanks, Lispector!  In the translator’s note was this fittingly eerie anecdote about Clarice’s interaction with a super fan:

“A friend in Brazil told me of a young woman in Rio who’d read Clarice Lispector obsessively and was convinced––as I and legions of other Clarice devotees have been––that she and Clarice Lispector would have a life-changing connection if they met in person.  She managed to get in touch with the writer, who kindly agreed to meet her.  When the young woman arrived, Clarice sat and stared at her and said nothing until the woman finally fled the apartment.”

Holy fuck!  Can you imagine this face staring at you for even more than one second?

Clarice-Lispector

In other news, two days ago, while napping after reading a passage, I dreamed I very reluctantly choked down grilled snake.

You Know You Are a Nerd…

March 31, 2014

when you get starstruck seeing the very pretty bookstore maven Sarah McNally at a Park Slope eatery.  SARAH I LOVE YOU!

Oh Jesus

March 21, 2014

I had grand plans to write something here––a Q&A Fran Lebowitz style, a dissection of a recent funny encounter I had with a child actress, a poem by Elise Cowen (come to think of it, I should have gone that route)––BUT I just spoke to high schoolers for THREE HOURS about my book, life, etc., and I’m totally wiped.  All I want right now is meat and a nap.  So, with that in mind, the coolest thing I’ve seen in ages:

Meat?

Meat?