Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Contract for a Young Writer or Artist

August 10, 2009

If I, _______, am ever successful enough to have my own assistant, I vow never to:

a) Blame him/her for something that is my fault, unless he/she explicitly gives me permission to

b) Patronizingly tell him/her that

b1) his/her interest in writing or art or what-have-you is “cute” or “endearing”

b2) artistic competency, let alone genius, is “a burden of calling I wouldn’t wish on anyone”

b3) the industry isn’t what it used to be

b4) he/she ought to think about law or prostitution, where the “real money” is

c) Give him/her a copy of my own published work in lieu of a thoughtful, personalized Christmas or holiday gift

d) Regale him/her with too many stories of my younger days and all the knowledge I have amassed as a result of my totally unique and amazing experiences and subsequent (deserved) success

e) Call him/her on a Sunday/after 9 PM unless absolutely necessary

f) Implicate him/her in lies I choose to tell

I understand that these stipulations will make for a healthier working relationship, and will contribute to the assistant’s overall happiness and level of productivity.

For future reference, please file.  It is recommended that the above signed read this contract at least once every three months upon hiring an assistant in order to remind him or herself of what constitutes poor or unethical behavior as a boss and inevitable mentor.

Signed: __________________                        Dated: _________________

“…”

August 9, 2009

My internet is down! Woe is me! I am at a local coffee shop mooching off theirs and scrambling to finish emails before even the reserve battery power runs out! Just as an update…

The Cultural Reassignment Program

August 9, 2009

I think it would be really interesting/potentially beneficial if it were possible to be “culturally reassigned”…that is, if you sign up with the program, you are randomly paired with someone else who has signed up, and you two spend a few months studying some of the culture/language/life details, i.e. parent’s names and so on (a la The Parent Trap) of your new self and then switch lives.  Like, for example, if a fourteen year old girl from Silver Spring, MD signed up, she could eventually switch places with An Bao, a thirty-four year old rice farmer from northern Vietnam.  The kinks still need to be worked out, but sometimes I think it would be a healthy exercise for humanity.

Setting the Scene: The Midway Lounge, East Baltimore Street, Baltimore, MD

August 4, 2009

You almost wouldn’t notice the Midway’s front because it’s hidden by the sign that juts out and advertises DANCERS PRIVATE BOOTHS at the Hustler Club next door. Above the door is elaborate, multicolored florescent lighting that spells out “MIDWAY” above a seventies graphic of a drink. Jittery people stand outside flicking cigarettes and laughing a little too loud. There is one small window, and through it you can see the long, straight bar and the few patrons that sit toward the end of the bar, in the darkest corner. One woman, in her forties, with short, bottle blond hair, thick eye-make up and graying teeth, subtly sneers at me as I walk to the bathroom. Perhaps she thinks I am her competition. A man coos, “Come here, baby girl.”

Roy, the burly bartender with prison-esque tattoo on his left forearm, has to buzz you in to the bathroom, and once my companion and I enter, it becomes apparent why. Two young woman, slightly greasy and high as kites, bounce about the room. One is on her knees in a stall; her purse sits next to her. The other pulls her hair into a ponytail over and over again, almost violently, and expresses feverish concern over whether or not their belongings are blocking the stall.

“Can you get by, sweetheart? Can you get by? You need to get into the stall? You need to use the bathroom? We don’t wanna be in your way…”

“We’ll get in trouble…” the other says as she stands up and slips a plastic bag with a small white rock down her shirtt. She begins to wash her hair with a bar of hotel soap in the sink.

The graffiti is typical of places on the “down low”, as a security guard at Baltimore’s Inner Harbor characterized East Baltimore Street. Lots of limerick references to drugs, penned by someone named “Precious.” There is a furious, repeated buzzing, and the two girls dash out faster than you can say, “Crabs.”

Back out at the bar, Roy pours us drinks, 3/4 vodka, 1/4 soda. “I’ve never lost a customer,” Roy says. This year, there are two new waitresses, both of whom Roy describes as “pitbulls.” Everyone has that hard edge to them, that scratchy, nicotine-grated voice and dried out hair. Tough eyes. We strike up a conversation with the younger waitress.

“Were you buzzing because they were taking too long in the bathroom?”

“Yeah, those two girls like to do crack in the bathroom, but I don’t let it happen on my watch.”

A man walks in with one of the aforementioned girls-who-do-crack-in-the-bathroom trailing him, twitching. He sits at the bar and both crackheads, plus the older woman, whose get-up is straight out of John Waters, start to caress him.

“How long have you worked here?”

“Two years. I used to dance, before that.”

We assume dance also means “date.”

“How long did you do that for?”

“Twelve years. Things are different now, though. I’m older. 31. I got two kids, two little girls. Nevaeh and Tulia. ‘Nevaeh’ is ‘heaven’ backwards and Tulia’s just Tulia.”

“Did you make more money dancing or doing this?”

“Dancing. But I didn’t like it. This is better. And like I said, I’m older now.”

My companion goes outside to smoke a cigarette, and in the course of five minutes, tries to dissuade someone from snorting heroin and has to turn down a proposition for sex. I examine the glass cases neatly lined with bottles of Old Grandad and Jim Beam behind the bar. “Roxanne” comes on the jukebox. I look up to the framed portraits that line the top of the wall, fading glamor shots of old Hollywood pin-ups and movie stars. Their bodies are plump and nourished, butts popped, breasts pushed slightly forward. Their faces are calm and self-content. Their teeth are clean.

Addendum

August 3, 2009

One of the last three books in my personal bibliography will be replaced by The Seven Sins of Memory: How the Mind Forgets and Remembers by Daniel L. Schachter.  Hold me accountable, non-existent audience!

My Letter to Netflix

July 31, 2009

I have been thinking and I believe that there should be a shuffle option for Netflix. Many people go through spurts where they put a line of documentaries or chick flicks or ____ (some genre) films on their lists, and theyd like them to be arbitrarily mixed up, much like people feel about their iPods. I am not good with technology, but it seems like it should be pretty simple? If you do it, I think you should just put on the bottom, by way of credit, This was Itinerant Daughter’s (obviously not what I wrote) genius idea.
PS Excuse me if this doesn’t fit under the category of “Business Development”; I didn’t know where else to put it.

Image Craving/Good Night

July 29, 2009

Speaking of artists, and muses, and madness…

by Camille Claudel

by Camille Claudel

Je vous aime. Bonne nuit.

As Promised, Ladies and Gentlemen…Jim Jones!

July 24, 2009

Okay, so, long story short, I found the Jim Jones death speech online. Some of you may think my morbidity knows no bounds.

http://www.archive.org/details/ptc1978-11-18.flac16

But I think it’s just fascinating.

“…A thing which has not been understood inevitably reappears; like an unlaid ghost, it cannot rest until the mystery has been solved and the spell broken.”

(Sigmund Freud)

Woah!

July 22, 2009

After posting last night’s tattoo montage, I saw a freakishly beautiful girl on the subway this morning with the elephant-in-the-snake (colored in) tattooed to her right forearm!

I think it’s weird to look at which posts are viewed the most. Apparently Blake the Tom’s Shoe Guy is the most viewed. I heard he’s super Christian and only dates models. There goes that fantasy.

A Montage of Tattoos

July 22, 2009

…of The Little Prince.

literay-tattoo-the-little-princelittleprincetatThe little prince tattoosnaketatanotherprinceThe last one is my favorite.  Looking at pictures of tattoos makes me want another one.  Not that that should be surprising…