Red Flags!

September 13, 2009

This is one of my favorite lists to make! When you meet a person who does/is this, run in the other direction…

Has two first names

Is a Roman numeral (John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith the III)

Is a Doctor, and calls him/herself “Dr. First Name”

Speaks about him or herself in the third person

If he/she is on a television show and is speaking English but has subtitles any way

For girls (dating): men really into Freud

For guys (dating): women really into Grey’s Anatomy

People who “can’t get a vein”

People who enjoy hearing their own voice tape recorded

blink too often

talk a lot about their workout regimens or dietary habits

swear in foreign languages

have an accent that does not correspond with where they GREW UP (and yes, Madonna, I’m talking about you, and if you didn’t exhibit this red flag, you’d be screwed any way. See two prior.)

There are about eight million more, but I needed to publish this so I could start drafting another list. It irritates me when there are too many unfinished drafts…

My Friend Writes Me Beautiful Letters

September 13, 2009

She said this:

“We have something esoteric and rare and here I go adulterating it with social networking and a fake internet self. This thing I am showing you avoids the mandate to write something “that doesn’t suck” by utilizing the writing of others. Self-expression by proxy (I like that idea).”
By-Proxy is all I feel capable of right now:

Dear diary, I’m afraid I’m gravely ill. It is perhaps times like these that one reflects on things past. An article of clothing from when I was young. A green jacket. I walk with my father. A game we once played. Pretend we’re faeries. I’m a girl faerie. My name is Laura Lee. And you’re a boy faerie. Your name is Tita Lee. Pretend, when we’re faeries we fight each other, and I say “Stop hitting me I’ll die!” And you hit me again and I say, “Now I have to die.” And then you say, “But I’ll miss you.” And I say, “But I have to. And you’ll have to wait a million years to see me again. And I’ll be put in a box, and all I’ll need is a tiny glass of water and lots of tiny pieces of pizza and the box will have wings like an airplane.” And you’ll ask, “Where will it take you?” “Home.” I say.

(Tag: Tiny Pieces of Pizza.)

(The font change is really pissing me off.)

A Dream, Again

September 11, 2009

The day is rainy…I’m off work, and feeling languid, and lonely.

Last night/this morning:

I wore tights with a black seam up the back

The movie Coco Before Chanel

At least three missed flights, and a bridge in Chicago

Fat Chance, Kiddo!

September 10, 2009

So when I was at writing camp this year, we had to write letters to anyone, essentially, and mine was, apparently, kind of funny.  (It was to Ryan Gosling, on whom I have a gigantic crush.  I saw him once, and I think the tone of his voice when he said, “Hello” implied that he really wanted to marry me, so that’s where the letter starts.)  My teacher told me I should submit it somewhere, but where?  The only two suggestions from the class were the now-defunct XX Files (of The Washington Post) and Shouts and Murmurs, of the venerable and infamous New Yorker.  I feel kind of stupid submitting to the latter, but seeing as I don’t know where else to go (water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink) I think I’ll just bite the bullet.  Besides, who will ever know, except you guys, aka Nobody?

Plus, when I asked my teacher if she thought I should really do it, she said, “Now, you do realize that the chances of getting into Shouts & M is miniscule, it’s merely an exercise, why not submit it, and yes, it does fit the genre, and quite well, but don’t you dare feel the least bit devastated if/when it’s rejected.  I still want you to submit it there.”

Color me convinced!  The “It’s merely an exercise” really sealed the deal for me.  Though I’m still tempted to write a snarky note as a prelude to the piece (also kind of snarky…)

Anyone else think it’s really funny that it’s S&M?

True Story!

September 10, 2009

“Tourists are vulgar, vulgar, vulgar!”  ~Henry James

Confession

September 10, 2009

I like the Olsen twins.  Well, I don’t really like them as actresses or public figures, and what do I know of them at their core, as human beings?  Zilch.  However, I do like their fashion line Elizabeth and James (reasonably affordable, though it’s all relative), and they seem to be trying to adopt a lower profile these days, which is always nice.  (We like celebrities more the less we see them?  Is that a Trow-ism?)  There’s an interview with them in the Bergdorf Goodman catalog this month, which is actually pretty funny because the writer asks a bunch of questions early on that are sort of condescending toward Mary-Kate and she is obviously slightly pissy throughout the remainder.  (“Mary Kate, the press makes it sound as if Ashley is pulling the fashion train?” “But when people think of me as not being involved, I have to laugh…”  Not in context, these quotes, fyi.)

I digress.  As usual.

So in this article, MK and A (I speak Tween) talk about some of their influences, and I’ve gotta hand it to them, cinema-wise…

BG: So talk about The Row and Elizabeth and James.

MKO: Elizabeth and James is a little more trendy.  We use a lot of Japanese and Italian fabrics.

AO: We create our own prints.

MKO: We dye old things, and use old wallpapers.  We try and do simple, beautiful pieces.  Also, we play around with it, trying to do fun, experimental pieces, using three prints, or being inspired by the 60s, or The Lost Boys or Wild at Heart.

Damn, little girl!

A Really Funny Little Story

September 9, 2009

My roommate just told me that last week, she went drunk shopping at the fancy deli in our neighborhood and bought half a pound of veal because she has a crush on the meat counter guy and needed an excuse to talk to him.

My Plans for Saturday

September 9, 2009
Only five cents!  What do you have to lose?

Only five cents! What do you have to lose?

Mercury Retrograde

September 8, 2009

I was always sort of indifferent toward astrology because it seemed vague and enabling, as it does to many people, but I’ve developed an animus toward it in the past year. This is because a) my boss likes to use his sign as an excuse for his bad behavior, namely his impatience, impetuousness, and inability (refusal?) to concentrate. “I’m an Aries!” Big fucking deal, I says. And b) in my friend T’s book about the bad qualities of every sign, it says that Taureans (that’s me) are “dull-witted,” which is so obviously not true.

Still, there is one thing about astrology I do like, and that is Mercury Retrograde, because it’s a great excuse when things break down or communicating in any way becomes difficult. Mercury Retrograde is in full effect NOW, which I guess doesn’t bode well considering my computer AND phone broke LAST week…so I figure next to go is my grasp of English. Here, from a friend, is a description of what M.R. entails:

Sept 6-29th 2009

At several points throughout the year most of us will be bombarded with the maddening effects of Mercury in retrograde. Mercury is a planet which governs all transportation and communication issues. Mercury is not an emotional planet, but rather a highly objective, truth-seeking one. It rules intelligence, education and truth. When it is in retrograde, some of its power is held back. When Mercury starts turning in an apparent backward motion, we will start to feel the effects of this event days or even as far as two weeks earlier (I.D.: oh, so my phone and computer were pre-M.R….like PMS, of sorts.) When the planet normalizes we will see the tempo of events pick up in our lives as the planet becomes “stationary” and then speeds forward. Gemini and Virgo are signs ruled by Mercury, so if you are one of those born during those months, you will be complaining especially loudly. If you work in the industries ruled by this planet such as sales, writing, public relations, advertising, publishing, air freight, the post office or express mail, any transportation industry, from the airlines to Amtrak, you’ll also be especially vulnerable to this planet’s weird motions in September. (If you are a Gemini, for example, who works in publishing, it’s no use calling in for a month of mental health days–you can’t escape!) What happens when Mercury retrogrades? You miss appointments, your computer equipment crashes, checks get lost, you find the car you just purchased during Mercury retrograde is a lemon. (Or, you hate your haircut, the lamp you bought shorts out, your sister hates her birthday gift.) There will be countless delays, cancellations and postponements–but know these will benefit you in the long run. Don’t fight them, although your frustration level and feeling of restlessness will be hard to cope with at times. All machinery and things with moving parts–such as computers, VCRs, camera equipment, garbage disposals, and so forth, will reveal any weak links now. It is critical that you back up your data system and be more careful and vigilant than ever. Projects will demand more time and money than anticipated this month. In matters of the heart, if your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you or says something hurtful, take a wait-and-see attitude. Since Mercury rules speech, they may not mean what you think they are saying now. Let them have some space, and wait to see if they mean in October what they said in September. When traveling, leave early and allow for extra travel time. Have all bags double-taped closed, count your belongings, double-check addresses and reconfirm appointments. Things get lost when Mercury messes us up. Take NOTHING for granted. The sector of your chart that Mercury happens to be skating through will be effected most dramatically, so check your forecast! Why would the Universe give us Mercury retrograde? Because to move forward it is sometimes necessary to backtrack and reconfigure our paths in life. It is important to reconsider, repair, reflect, and reconnect. Mercury forces us to slow down and fix what’s broken, and in so doing, rethink things. It also gives us time to get to projects we have put on the back-burner. Some activities are lucky or actually improve when Mercury retrogrades. You are likely to bump into old friends that you haven’t seen in years. Adopted children tend to find their birth parents during Mercury retrograde periods, or people locate their long lost siblings. Prosecutors often find clues to crimes that had previously remained unsolved for years. (Although sometimes the reverse is true–there is a greater danger, or example, that police can bungle evidence during a Mercury retrograde period, for clear thinking doesn’t come easy for any of us then.) Mail that went astray weeks or even years ago shows up during Mercury retrograde. Some things that were lost reappear. Now is also a good time to dress old wounds, clean up relationships or to simply bury the hatchet. Some people have great breakthroughs in psychotherapy during a Mercury retrograde period. For salesman, it is a positive time to backtrack over previous contacts rather than call on new ones. It is a perfect time to schedule work on projects that you haven’t had time to do and you’ve let pile up. Bring your resume or portfolio up to date, and clean out your closets. Take time to paint the house. Clear your decks. Just try not to start new things. If you have to start a job during a Mercury retrograde period know that the nature of the job is likely to change dramatically over time. Perhaps the person you report to will leave, or your responsibilities will be very different from what you thought they would be. Or your company won’t be ready to take you on, and you won’t have much to do until things are reorganized. But remember, if this was a position that you tried for in the past, then you’ve got the vibes working for you rather than against you. Finally, what about people born with Mercury retrograde? If you are due to give birth to a baby during this period, don’t fret. The ancients felt that this aspect lends a more philosophical tone to the character. Mercury rules thinking, therefore an individual born with this aspect tends to reflect deeply over events and issues throughout their lifetimes. In this case, having this aspect could be a big plus! Your astrologer was born with Mercury retrograde–so relax!

Back from Mass

September 7, 2009

…and so, so sleepy.

Something I thought of on the drive up: the archetypal “hot nurse” is a myth.  I’ve spent a fair amount of time in hospitals, and all the nurses I encountered were slightly overweight and crabby.  Plus, white isn’t flattering.