The Ten Best Gifts I’ve Ever Received, in Order of Greatness

July 18, 2009

1. My friend G wrote me a six-movement piece for steel string guitar. He writes:

“Like yourself, they are very dense works in a very small package. As usual, it’s avant-garde music so you probably wont’ be whistling the tunes in the shower, but I hope you enjoy!”

2. Another friend gave me his sister’s old Caboodle, which is a great carry on bag when you fly.

3. Trapped in the Closet: The Big Package (Chapters 1-24)

4. Midget porn, given to me by my boss

5. A first edition of Lolita, along with a really nice letter

6. Trips (Israel, Brazil), by my parents

7. A mini-knife on a necklace

8. Fresh Direct

9. Netflix

10. A first edition of The Little Prince

(One person is responsible for three of these, and after writing this, I think I may send him a love letter…)

Excerpts from a Conversation My Funny Friend and I (Also Funny) Had Last Night

July 16, 2009

PS: also zoloft does wonders for tempering my sex drive, so that helps!
ID: hooray zoloft!
PS: sad egg no more
you remember that commercial right?
ID: tugged at my heart strings, fo shiz
PS: zoloft egg
me: but i was on zoloft once and i never got to be a happy egg!
and it’s the cutest thing EVER!
PS: its so cute!
ID: darling

Don't you just want to hug it?!

Don't you just want to hug it?!

Image Craving

July 16, 2009
Statue in Metairie Cemetery, New Orleans, Louisiana

Statue in Metairie Cemetery, New Orleans, Louisiana

Jesting, Infinitely, Part Trois

July 15, 2009

Happy day after Bastille Day…

“Lenz euphorically tells Green how he once got the tip of his left finger cut off in a minibike chain once and how but within days of intensive concentration the finger had grown back and regenerated itself like a lizard’s tail, confounding doctoral authorities. Lenz says that was the incident in youth after which he got in touch with his own unusual life-force and the energois de vivre and knew and accepted that he was somehow not like the run of common men, and began to accept his uniqueness and all that it entailed.”

A Brilliant Idea That is Mostly Mine

July 15, 2009
Gay and Nan Talese at their house in New Jersey

Gay and Nan Talese at their house in New Jersey

I participate in this writing program that’s based out of Baltimore, where I will be going in a couple of weeks.  Be prepared for posts with such titles as, “Stalking John Waters” and “Real Hookers, Real Lives”.  I digress…any way, last January I went up to Northampton, Massachusetts to meet with my mentor and the other five people in our group.  We basically talked writing and craaaaaft and drank a lot (writers, psh) and at one point starting talking about the formidable journalist Gay Talese, pictured above with his wife Nan, who had (has?) her own imprint at RandomHouse (damn, girl!)

Besides being the owner of a sort of unfortunate first name, Gay is considered to be the “father of New Journalism”, and is the author of books like Honor Thy Father (about the Mafia) and The Bridge: The Building of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge. He also wrote the essay “Frank Sinatra Has a Cold”, which you can read in its entirety here, along with the other six best Esquire magazine stories ever written:

http://www.esquire.com/features/page-75/greatest-stories

So we were talking about Gay Talese and how he is a member of a small category of journalists who make no effort whatsoever to blend in with their subjects.  Seriously, Talese would show up wearing a white suit and red suede shows in the Congo to write a report on half-naked pygmies.  Baller.

We (collectively, as a group, though someone else may have initiated it) came up with a brilliant idea for an article or essay…a guided tour through Gay Talese’s closet!  Each piece of clothing could be a platform for reminiscing about his many journalistic adventures!  A story in a great outfit!  What more could you want?

The group gave me permission to pitch this story around as long as I give them credit, which I will do but almost don’t even need to as they will be famous, well-dressed writers in their own rights in a matter of years (weeks, minutes).  Let this serve as a record for anyone who steals the idea!  Copyright!  Mine!  Plus I have five other people who will vouch for the birth of brilliance, which occurred in late January, 2009.  It’s a boy!  And we’re naming him Gay…(?)

If someone who edits a magazine or sumpin sees this and wants to pay me to write it (girl’s gotta eat), please let me know!  I was thinking it would work well in New York magazine or Men’s Vogue, though that may have gone under…?

Granted, this may be like the time when I was a kid and I had what I thought was the most incredible concept for a series of chapter books a la The Babysitter’s Club. I almost exploded when I told my babysitter.  “Basically it’s going to be set on a cruise ship and it’ll be about all the people who live and work on the cruise ship…”

“I hate to tell you this,” she said, “But that’s The Love Boat.

Really Heavy Love

July 14, 2009

I’ve told her before that she can’t die and leave me here because she’s a much better writer than I am. When she does, which may be soon, all things considered, I’ll fight tooth and nail to be in charge of condensing and editing her writing, but most likely won’t do it justice.

Insomnia

July 13, 2009

I have insomnia, these days, but it’s a clever insomnia. It waves a white flag and then once I’ve turned off the lights, manifests itself in a tossing and turning and endless ouroboros of thinking, a restlessness so frightening I am forced to turn on the light and do something, anything. Listen to half-an-hour-long Gregorian chants. Read Infinite Jest (okay, still on that. Give me a break, it’s over 1000 pages). Eat peanut butter straight from the jar. When I try again, it’s with trepidation. I make a rule that I am allowed to think about whatever I want, but I have to lie perfectly still. I look for that strange bioluminscent screen saver projected onto the back of my lids, but it’s like the insomnia has robbed me of that diversion. Get up, get up, get up. And the cycle begins again.

Today, to be specific, I gave myself some pep talks pre-bedtime. “It’s okay, Self,” I said. “You did an okay job today. So maybe you didn’t accomplish everything you set out to, but who does, really? In one day?” I commend myself for that-which-I-did-do: picked up my new television from my boss’s house, posted the previous, cleaned up my room (sort of), wrote a quick note and put it in an envelope and STAMPED it, ready to go, re-read part of a book I have been meaning to for quite some time (Autobiography by Janet Frame, highly recommended), took out the garbage (HUGE!), showered (also HUGE!), found my overnight bag, which I thought I had lost during one of the moves, the absence of which was DEVASTATING to me (capitalization does not do justice to my feelings), attempted to contact this pharmaceutical rep saleslady who gave me an Exogen 200 Bone Healing System a few years ago (long story), wrote some emails, was idle and dreamy for what I think was an appropriate amount of time, did not smoke one cigarette.

And yet as I lie down to sleep I think of tomorrow, and all the other tomorrows, the endless steppe of life before me, obstacles still ahead, ones that have faced me for what feels like eons : the cliched pain of unrequited love, and the banal, constant weight of money, or lack thereof. Where is the romantic poverty of yesteryear? The cheeky, belted-out love songs to Alphabet City-early-nineties-style destitution?

Woe is me.

Back to the basics, I guess. Counting sheep. In lieu of saying goodnight, I give you Roald Dahl’s red balloon.

dahl red balloon

Image Craving

July 12, 2009
And I love you, too!

And I love you, too!

Seriously?

July 12, 2009

Sarah Palin was “pregnant” with the retarded kid…her water broke, and she got on a plane to go from Houston (Dallas?), where they have perfectly respectable hospitals, to Alaska? No doctor in the world would sanction that move…

PS

July 10, 2009

And if you read the below and thought to yourself, “Damn, this bitch has got some nerve comparing herself to Joan Didion and James Baldwin as she’s only twenty-five and BLOGGING, for God’s sake!”

Well…you must be right.