My Introvert Paradise

December 18, 2019

When I read the 2011 obituary of 104-year-old Huguette Clark, the reclusive heiress who had spent nearly two decades in luxury hospital suites by choice before she died, naturally my first thought was, “This bitch is my hero.”  Okay, so maybe I have no interest in collecting dolls, as the eccentric Clark did well into adulthood, and maybe I didn’t grow up in a 121-room mansion, but dreamers gotta dream!

When Clark died, she left behind three enormous properties, estates in Santa Barbara and New Canaan, Connecticut, and a palatial apartment on 5th Avenue, that she hadn’t set foot in since her hospital admission.  She kept people on staff at all three houses to ensure they would be in perfect shape lest she decide (?) to pay a visit.  (Side note: have considered writing a short story about the house manager at the Santa Barbara estate, a real Remains-of-the-Day type, who squashes a new hire’s mission to find out more about their mysterious employer.  Or something like that.)

Anyway, her properties were put up for sale after her death, including her apartment at 907 5th Avenue, which was originally two apartments combined so she could live with her mother.  Naturally I want to live there.  When the realtor put a floor plan up on the listing site back in the day, I printed a copy and marked what the layout would be if justice were real and I got to live in a mansion.  Herewith, my introvert paradise!

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From top left around in a clockwise circle moving closer to the compass:

Kitchen
Informal breakfast nook: no idea why I put breakfast in quotation marks but I’ve grown a lot in the last eight years
Dining room
Bathroom with clawfoot tub: basically all I want in life, other than a $22.5 million apartment, is a clawfoot tub
Bedroom: mine
Closet: not sure where I’ll be getting the money to buy clothes in this scenario but it’s my fantasy
Nonfiction library: where I store my collection of nonfiction books
Bathroom
Cozy TV/movie watching room: big couches, plush blankets, etc.
Closet
Nap closet: for when you’re on the other side of the house and you’re too lazy to walk back to your own bed to nap
Hisbodedut room: when you want to daven Breslov style
Craft room: a room for doing projects, a la Amy Sedaris
Billiards room: not sure why I chose this, because I don’t play pool, but maybe I was just running out of ideas?
Sculptor-in-residence’s room: this is where the sculptor-residence will live and, well, sculpt
SIR’s bathroom
Office: this is the only room in the apartment with WiFi
Fiction library: where I store my novels
Group therapy room: where I get together with a bunch of people and do some guerrilla group therapy
Soundproof destruction room: when you’re really angry you can come in here and break things
Pantry
Empty room with waxed floor for skateboarding, toy car riding and sliding around on your butt: self-explanatory
Phone booth #2: phone booth #1 is on the other side
Psychopath room: a padded room for when you want to lose your shit a little
Room I forgot to name: thoughts, anyone?
Ping pong and game room: foosball as well
Is this a room or a hallway?: I genuinely cannot tell
Knick knack closet: this is where I keep my knick-knacks
Crying closet: this is a room with a couch and lots of tissues in case you feel like crying in private
Art gallery: this is where I keep my pictures and display the SIR’s work
Phone booth
Supply closet: for paper towels and such

So!  That’s the goal, folks.  Let’s make it happen.  Coming up soon, the link to my GoFundMe––aiming for a cool $25 mill here, people, so don’t be shy!  Oh and I’m auctioning off the original of the above.  Just reach out to Siobhan: she’s lazy, but she knows how to cash a check.

Want To Read All These

December 12, 2019

Bernd Brunner (born May 27, 1964) is a writer of non-fiction and essays. His best known works are peripatetic explorations of the relationship between people and deceptively simple subjects, such as bears, the moon, and lying down.

SAD!

December 4, 2019

Not gonna lie, pretty bummed these ceramic peanuts are sold out.  (PS: having a bit of a consumerist moment over here!  Send help!). (PPS: I love fake food you can scatter around your house a laAmy Sedaris!)

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FUNNY OR NO: PART TWO

November 26, 2019

Ok obviously death isn’t ever funny except…

***

EP: [redacted] belongs to one of those megachurch chains
apparently someone died in a pyrotechnics accident during a christmas pageant
and the pastor was like “she died doing what she loved”

Funny? Please Vote

November 25, 2019

I’m thinking of starting a funny Twitter dedicated solely to calling myself out for my (occasionally!) terrible taste in music.  So sample tweets would be like, “Just a thirty-something white woman walking around streaming Lil Peep, nothing to see here, folks!” or “Wearing my baby in a Bjorn and listening to ‘Timber’ by Pitbull (featuring Ke$ha).”  Thoughts?

Synonym Envy

November 14, 2019

I clicked on a link to this article about a potential anti-semitic hate crime spree in Brooklyn (what else is new) but honestly, I stayed for the fact that this writer managed to get really creative with his synonyms.  A KNAVE?!  Well done, Ben Verde, well done.

The Police Department’s Hate Crime Task Force is investigating an allegedly anti-Semitic egging spree in Kensington this weekend.

In one incident, a knave hurled an egg into the open door of a synagogue near Dahill and Cortelyou roads a around 6:17 pm, striking the wall of the house of worship — but missing the worshipers, cops said.

Ten minutes earlier, a hooligan had tossed an egg at a woman on 38th Street near 15th Avenue — barely missing the unsuspecting woman.

And on Sunday, some goons pelted a 50-year-old woman in the back with eggs on the same stretch of 38th street at around 4:15 pm, according to police — who confirmed that both victims were Jewish, and are treating all three incidents as connected.

The egg attacks come amid a significant surge of hate crimes in New York over the past year, with anti-semitic incidents seeing the biggest spike.

Between January and early October, the Police Department recorded 323 hate crimes — marking a 33-percent increase over the same time frame the year before. Meanwhile, anti-semitic crimes have risen 63-percent, according to authorities.

Inspiration Everywhere!

November 7, 2019

Honestly the LEWK is these Pacific Northwestern Slavic anti-vaccine protestors.

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Duh

November 4, 2019

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Obviously TECH EXPERTS say that.

My People

November 2, 2019

Do you ever read something or hear some story or encounter something and think to yourself, “Ah, my people are out there!”?  Kind of how I felt discovering Tony Hoagland.

Hard Rain
After I heard It’s a Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall
played softly by an accordion quartet
through the ceiling speakers at the Springdale Shopping Mall,
I understood: there’s nothing
we can’t pluck the stinger from,

nothing we can’t turn into a soft-drink flavor or a t-shirt.
Even serenity can become something horrible
if you make a commercial about it
using smiling, white-haired people

quoting Thoreau to sell retirement homes
in the Everglades, where the swamp has been
drained and bulldozed into a nineteen-hole golf course
with electrified alligator barriers.

“You can’t keep beating yourself up, Billy,”
I heard the therapist say on television
to the teenage murderer,
“about all those people you killed—
You just have to be the best person you can be,
one day at a time—”

And everybody in the audience claps and weeps a little,
because the level of deep feeling has been touched,
and they want to believe that
the power of Forgiveness is greater
than the power of Consequence, or History.

Dear Abby:
My father is a businessman who travels.
Each time he returns from one of his trips,
his shoes and trousers
are covered with blood—
but he never forgets to bring me a nice present;
Should I say something?
Signed, America.

I used to think I was not part of this,
that I could mind my own business and get along,

but that was just another song
that had been taught to me since birth—

whose words I was humming under my breath,
as I was walking through the Springdale Mall.

A Great Disclaimer

October 17, 2019

Please note: a gun is used onstage, and gunshots are heard offstage, during the show. Additionally, herbal cigarettes are used in this production.