DYING

August 13, 2021

Jennifer Coolidge, in an interview with The Guardian:

Is it true you used to pose as Ernest Hemingway’s granddaughter to get into nightclubs?

Yeah, Muffin – the Hemingway daughter who wasn’t as well known as Mariel and Margaux. I had these thick black eyebrows and shoulder-length blond hair, so I looked the part. I’d turn up to New York clubs in high heels and a short dress and tell them I was Muffin Hemingway. You wouldn’t believe how well it worked. I got a lot of mileage out of that. Until I got kicked out of a few clubs, then it wasn’t so flattering for poor Muffin.

Mother as Sisyphus

July 28, 2021

My husband pointed out to me the other day that I “don’t blog anymore,” which I knew already because I’ve been slowly eaten away by guilt about it over the past few months. Life is really hectic when you have prestige television to consume and a dead animal rotting in your basement! (Speaking of being eaten away.)

Anyway, to tide you all over until my longer post materializes, here is an amazing (to me) comic I drew at the beginning of the pandemic. The truth is I’m just ok at drawing, but I was like, I got this! And then I did it and it never came out *exactly* right. And then my friend who IS amazing at drawing was like, I can do it for you! But I had already submitted to The New Yorker on a whim (rejected!) and I thought I’d better see that through before she took over, and now I feel awkward raising the conversation again. This is the most possibly pointless mental wormhole of all time.

Nicknames I Will Appropriate

May 23, 2021

“Hamblin enjoyed a reputation of unimpeachable integrity among the Saints of southern Utah, who called him ‘Honest Jake. The historical record plainly shows, however, that Hamblin had no compunction about ‘lying for the Lord’ when he thought it would advance the goals of the Kingdom of God. Indeed, the record also shows that Hamblin was quite willing to lie through his teeth simply to enrich himself. It’s worth noting that John D. Lee had his own nicknames for Hamblin: ‘Dirty Fingered Jake’ and ‘the fiend of Hell.'”

~Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven

The Most Incredible Shoes Ever

April 16, 2021

Butterscotch yellow quilted satin mini-pumps with a buckle and fur. Amazing! From the 1995 movie A Little Princess. Yes, I re-watched it recently; yes, I thought about the plot through the lens of contemporary issues (“Just because you’re nice to the slave at boarding school doesn’t mean you get off the hook for being a colonizer in India, Sarah!”); yes, I am fine with being a capitalist POS if it means I can have these shoes.

gah amazing

The Perfect Pandemic Book

March 16, 2021

Earlier in the pandemic I wanted to write a poem that would sort of mimic the structure of Patricia Lockwood’s “Rape Joke,” except it would be called “The Perfect Pandemic Book” and then would subsequently replace “book” with “TV show” or “movie” or whatever and involve a lot of evocative (but humorous!) imagery about loneliness, fear, germs, escapism, nightmares, and so forth, but then I realized I’m not a great poet so someone please take this off my hands, thanks so much.

Schools of Therapy

March 1, 2021

One of these days I promise I will get around to writing my essay titled “Against Therapy,” but until then, here are two satirical (but possibly very effective!) modalities of therapy I’ve invented. Feel free to practice them on yourselves!

1. Radical Death Therapy

This therapy involves a patient speaking continuously for forty-five minutes in a manner typical to normal psychoanalysis/therapy. At the end of the session, the therapist smacks the patient with a rolled up newspaper and yells, “Don’t you realize you’re going to die some day?!”

2. Internal Rock Therapy

This is a kind of mindfulness-based therapy that involves the therapist encouraging the patient at every turn to imagine a large, immovable rock inside of them, that cannot be hurt by any external force. Problems in your love life? Think about the rock. Boss treating you poorly? His taunts can’t hurt the rock. Feeling like a piece of driftwood at the mercy of the forceful river of life? You are the rock. You see where I’m going with this.

A Tweet

February 9, 2021

How many critics called Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation A Rebours for the 21st century? Probably a lot, right?

Fashion Inspo

February 7, 2021

Recent fashion inspiration includes:

Claire Nivola’s illustrations in The Friday Nights of Nana (would seriously wear every dress in this book).

Florence Pugh’s outfits in Lady Macbeth. You can’t really get a good feel for it in this picture but she wears the most ridiculously amazing salmon-colored dressing gown thing.

Two Lists

January 27, 2021

The foods the Israelites pined for in the desert after fleeing Egypt:

Meat

Cucumbers

Melons

Leeks

Onions

Garlic

Fish

The names/nicknames T.S. Eliot’s childhood friends:

Dago Parker

Chicken Gilbert

Doodle Page

Butch Wagner, Pat Sullivan

Snowball Wolfpert

Elephant-mouth Hellman

Gander Giesecke

The Most Romantic Promise

December 28, 2020
Til social ostracism do we part