Conversations With Social Workers

August 2, 2019

EOB: How are you?

ID: I’m bored.  You?

EOB: I was super bored but then today I did an appropriate adult job (no idea if they have those in the US, basically it’s someone who sits in police interviews for people who are considered vulnerable to make sure the police don’t beat confessions out of them or anything) for a girl who attacked an A&E nurse then threw her shoe at the police during the interview so they took her back to the cell so she flooded the cell and shit on the floor.

EOB: I was no longer bored.

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Great Celebrity Sightings

July 26, 2019

One time I saw Malcolm Gladwell at my hairdresser.

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Convert to the Cause

July 15, 2019

Recent realizations, somewhat dismaying:

  1. I kind of want to storm Area 51.
  2. I am #freebritney

This Is Good

July 9, 2019

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Overheard on the Street

July 4, 2019

A group of stylish, sophisticated tween girls walking down the street in Brooklyn, and one of them says, “Moms with accents freak me out.”

This Image from the Movie…

June 30, 2019

Midsommar is exactly what I envision goes on in women-only co-working spaces…

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Let it out, girlfriend

Performance Art

June 28, 2019

I’ve always not-so-secretly wanted to be a performance artist––bummed Marina Abramovic’s school is never gonna happen!––and I remember recently one of my only good ideas for an endurance piece, which was embedded in the text of a sort of pretentious poem I wrote a few years ago:

I retype the entire text of War and Peace on stage at the Teatro Colon in Buenos Aires in one sitting.  If a success, I go on tour, and “perform” Infinite Jest atthe Paris Opera House, Remembrance of Things Past at the Teatro La Fenice in Venice, and Gone with the Wind at the Sydney Opera House.  All performances will be recorded and available for purchase through Apple.

I could add more performances, too!  I can think of long books and storied opera houses for days.

 

HAPPY BLOG-IVERSARY!

June 4, 2019

Dear ones!  (I just read a great takedown of Elizabeth Gilbert so that’s tongue-in-cheek.)  Guess what?  This blog has been alive for 10 years TODAY!  Remember this first post, in which I implored people not to read?  Luckily, a vast majority of the planet’s population got that memo!  If you’re still on board with me here, please meet me for drinks at 11 PM tonight at the American Colony Hotel, Louis Vincent Street 1, Jerusalem.  L’chaim!

Put Me in Your Will, Mr. Waters

June 3, 2019

There’s a new article out about John Waters, which focuses on his art collection, one of my favorite topics.  You’ll recall, I’m sure, that many years ago I wrote him a note offering to be caretaker of his art collection when he dies.  I would probably strike a different tone now, but what’s done is done.

The new piece features a number of pictures of Waters’s pieces from my favorite “genre” of art, trompe l’oeil!  The toilet paper dispenser, light switch, olives, playing cards and pencil in these pictures are fake!  Basically my dream is to have an apartment riddled with fake things just to confuse my guests.

You Don’t Need That, Either

May 20, 2019

In the past few years, I’ve read myriad lists of what you NEED to buy for a baby, many written by people who claim expertise for one reason or another (they have kids, they write about having kids, or both).  This latest, by writer Emily Gould, attempts to once again be the last word on what you need when you have a baby, and she does a good deed by naysaying some of the things people believe are essential but aren’t really (like baby monitors, particularly if you live in small dwellings) and yet it, too, includes a number of things that are not necessary.  I know no one will read this, but allow me to be, once and for all, the most minimalist of all minimalist parents and tell you what you really and truly need:

  1. Baby clothes.  Ideally kimono-style onesies.  ZERO pairs of infant socks.  They will inevitably fall off.  Burn all the infant socks you get on a tiny bonfire.  Zutano-style booties are only option for infants.
  2. A baby carrier.  It doesn’t really matter what kind.
  3. A carseat
  4. A bassinet or crib.
  5. ZERO SLEEP SACKS OR SWADDLES OF ANY KIND.  Yes, you heard that correctly.  You can swaddle your baby in little blankets until they start fighting them, and then you can wean them off swaddles as early as four months.  I actually think these swaddles are doubly egregious as a “must have” baby item, because so many basically guarantee they’ll put your children to sleep and of course, no product is magical like that.
  6. You don’t need a baby bathtub.  Use the sink until they can sit, then use a regular bathtub.
  7. Some kind of seat for the baby: we have a Bjorn bouncy chair, and it’s great.
  8. NO BREASTFEEDING PILLOW.  Use a regular fucking pillow, it is the same thing. 
  9. Bottles.
  10. For mom: at least one pair of shoes you don’t need to bend down to put on or lace up.

THAT IS LITERALLY IT.  Don’t even make a registry.  You’re welcome.