BRITS ARE SO WEIRD

April 20, 2016

From the Evening Standard

Royal Bets at 90/1

Bookmakers are taking thousands of pounds in bets about the royal family ahead of the Queen’s 90th birthday.

The public are betting on wagers including whether the Queen will share her opinion on the EU referendum, turn up at Ascot without a hat [ed note: audible gasp!] or give a one-to-one interview this year.

Royal fans can also bet on whether the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will have triplets.

The odds on these royal flutters are being set at 90/1 in recognition of the monarch’s 90th birthday tomorrow by bookmakers Coral, which was founded in the year the Queen was born.

Coral spokeswoman Nicola McGeady said: “In the last 90 years the British public have bet on royal births, marriages, hat colours, heirs to the throne, abdications and even Harry’s beard.  There are plenty of punters who believe they can beat the bookies when it comes to betting on the royal family.”

Coral’s first bets on the monarchy began with Princess Elizabeth’s birth in 1926 over what she would be called.  Elizabeth was a favourite at 2/1, Victoria second favourite at 3/1 while Mary and Alexandra were priced at 5/1.

 

Party Trick

April 15, 2016

I’ve decided that from now on, when someone asks me what I do for a living, I’m going to respond, “It’s kind of complicated.  Have you seen that movie Inception, with Leonardo DiCaprio?  It’s basically that.”

A Girl and Her Gameboy

April 10, 2016

When I was in maybe tenth grade or so, I read a little interview with Lisa Kudrow in InStyle Magazine (slow Sunday, I guess) in which she said that her absolute favorite stress reliever of all time was Tetris on Gameboy.  I knew the sweet bliss of zoning out to Tetris myself.  When my brothers and I were little, my mother used to buy us new video games for our handheld devices––back then, we had Gameboys and Sega Nomads––so we would stay relatively quiet during the sixteen-hour-plus car rides our family took every summer.  Sonic the Hedgehog was a great favorite, but it was anxiety producing, as you were supposed to be aspiring to new levels.  My brother had a Kirby game, which was fun, but a little bad-trippy (somehow I knew even at that age.)  Tetris, on the other hand, never seemed to make me worry about my accomplishment; I was always just content to play.  So streamlined, so clear and mathematical, that dinky digitized Russian theme song––heaven!

But by the time I read that little interview with Phoebe, Gameboy was a thing of my family’s past.  Still, her mention of it stirred a longing in me that remained for the next ten years, until finally, I had thirty-odd bucks and some time to spare, which I spent browsing Ebay for old machines.  Now, I am the proud owner of an old-ass Gameboy––the big, gray, clunky kind, not the sleeker color versions of the late nineties.  Although the screen has fallen off a few times (thank G-d for superglue) I have only had to change the batteries once in the past two years.  The most serious technical glitch I’ve encountered has been solved by blowing in the little slot at the top or rubbing the batteries until the machine goes on.  Take that, iPhone!  (And yes, I do believe playing it on the Game Boy is somehow more enjoyable than downloading it and playing it on my phone would be.)  I play it everywhere: on the plane, on the train, on ferries to exotic islands off the coast of Sicily.  Okay, so maybe I mainly play when I’m being transported somewhere, but still, I play a lot.  People tend to find it pretty funny, and it makes me happy to see how joyfully nostalgic they get seeing this lovable relic.  “Does this make you a hipster?” a lady on the New York City subway once asked, only half in jest.  I don’t care! I thought to myself.  I love Tetris!  And if loving Tetris is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

Recently I read this article about Rutherford Chang, an artist who is working on an ongoing project to beat the top Tetris score in the world (held by Uli Horner, a London-based architect.)  Here are a few things he said about Tetris:

“Every 10 lines you complete, you advance one level and the pieces fall faster,” he says. “Eventually they fall so fast that you can’t keep up and you die. You can’t ever beat the game. It’s about squeezing in as much perfection as possible in this limited time before your inevitable death.”

Whether you read Tetris as a parable for life’s finitude or the savagery of capitalism, there’s no denying the focus it requires. “It’s a pretty brutal game,” says Chang. “It definitely requires a lot of concentration, where you only think about this rudimentary logic. It’s meditative.”

Meditative––that’s why I do it.  It’s like my version of mindfulness.  And for a split second after reading about Chang, I felt envious of him, sitting around all day playing Tetris and doing it to some legitimate end.  But then I realized that if I were doing what he is doing, the game would cease to soothe me the way it does.  Once something becomes an ambitious pursuit, it no longer can be relaxing (see also: writing.)  And so for now, I remain a dedicated amateur.

A Gig for Me

April 7, 2016

Back last year when I was researching a piece on Amish converts, I read Called to Be Amish: My Journey from Head Majorette to the Old Order by Marlene Miller, which is, as the title describes, Miller’s memoir of becoming Amish.  She fell in love and eventually married a man who was born Amish but hadn’t, during their courtship and marriage, chosen to join the church (important note: the culturally popular notion of “rumspringa” isn’t always a year.  Because Amish aren’t eligible for baptism into the church until maybe fifteen or older––varies somewhat from community to community––a teenager can put off joining the church for years, during which time he or she could feasibly explore the world.  Shunning, as a postscript, really only happens when someone has joined the church and then reneged on his/her vows.)  After they had their first child, the couple joined the church together.

Anyway, back to Miller: now that I know I don’t need her participation for said piece, I can say without fear that the book isn’t good.  I mean, it is good in that the story is interesting and the perspective rare, but the writing isn’t going to get your blood flowing, if you’re into that kind of thing, which I am.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say she shouldn’t write because she isn’t a writer (like I would with many celebrities who pen memoirs) but high art, this ain’t.

And yet––there was a moment in her prefatory acknowledgments that made me jealous about my lack of involvement with the text.  Here it is:
“I’d like to thank Elsie Kline for typing my first draft.  Because I wrote everything longhand, I’m sure she had a very difficult time.”

Now there is a job for me: typing up the memoirs of an Amish convert.  Who is this Elsie Kline, and what kind of bribery does she accept?

 

Munich Outpost

April 4, 2016

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I Always Miss the Good Stuff!

March 31, 2016

So while I was away last week skiing in Austria, I missed this amazing wildlife drawing class where participants sketched BUNNIES!

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Wild Life Drawing is a drawing class with a difference. Instead of life models, the subjects are real animals. The aim of the drawing classes is to inspire a sense of appreciation and understanding for animals and their conservation through creativity. On Good Friday – 25 March – Wild Life Drawing are hosting a special Easter drawing event for families at Somerset House, where you’ll get the chance to meet and draw different species of bunny rabbits, including Lion Head rabbits, a Plush Lop-Eared and a Rex rabbit. There will also be some guinea pigs coming along for good measure!

***

This might be the most first world-y first world problem of all time.

 

Knew Her When

March 30, 2016

Back in 2007, a friend of mine dragged me to see a play at a converted school half a block away from my East Village apartment.  The play was called Matt & Ben, and was about Damon and Affleck dealing with the aftermath of a script (Good Will Hunting) falling from the sky and into their laps.  It was hilarious, which isn’t terribly surprising, because it was co-written by Mindy Kaling, who also played Ben (I think.  I don’t really remember which one she was.)  She was a fairly recent Dartmouth grad at the time, and not at all famous.  This, I suppose, is the one time in my life I caught someone before they made it big.

Or perhaps the first time of two.  Recently, I attended the Goldsmith University Writing Program’s graduation reading, and heard a young writer named EJ Harris read from her short story entitled “Bitch Blood.”  It was just perfect: polished, anxiety-provoking (in a good way), eerie, plausible,  yet exciting.  Below, an excerpt; you can read the whole thing here.

Now I am anticipating the day in which Harris reads to large crowds at Daunt Books and I awkwardly shuffle up after the event and say, “Hey, remember me?  I’m that American friend of LH’s who was at the Goldsmith’s thing and I drunkenly told you your story was, like, uh-may-zing.”  And she’ll smile and nod and pretend to remember, but won’t.

(Side note: my friend LH organized the event and read there, but because I know her already and have always been sure she’s going to get famous, I didn’t put her on my list of revelations.)

***

You’re not supposed to swerve a car to avoid small animals in the road. Swerving, Emily’s driving instructor had told her, is very dangerous, and can cause accidents.

“If you can, slow to a stop,” he said.

“And if you can’t?” Emily asked.

“Well, then you just have to hit it.”

“Right.”

“If you kill a small animal it’s, you know, sad.”

“But if you kill a small human it’s, you know, illegal?”

“Exactly.”

Her driving instructor used to lean across to the steering wheel and correct her positioning on the road without ever touching her. They shared a similar sense of humour, and Emily had looked forward to the hour they spent together each week. When she passed her test, Emily had texted to thank him, and had been unable to think of any feasible reason to stay in touch.

When Emily hit the dog, then, she told herself that she had done nothing wrong, that she should not feel guilty. She was wearing sensible footwear, and she had not been drinking. She just didn’t see the dog until it was too late. It was dark, and the animal came out of nowhere.

After the bump, Emily pulled the car over and sat heavily for a moment. The dark huddle of the dog on the road multiplied in her mirrors. It is true that she considered restarting the car and driving away; that the street was residential and anonymity impossible featured high on the list of reasons she did not.

In moments, two shadowy figures raced through the darkness towards her. She opened the door, shaking, and heard a man’s voice swear loudly.

“I’m so sorry,” said Emily, hurrying over.

“Fuck,” said the man, crouched over the dog which, Emily realised with horror, was alive, and whimpering pathetically.

Bad Choices

March 29, 2016

Do you ever see a person reading a copy of A Million Little Pieces and think, “Hm, were the pickings real slim at your local Barnes & Noble, or did you just miss that whole Oprah shaming thing?”

Think Piece Anxiety?

March 24, 2016

Are you wondering whether you should write a think-piece?  I’ve made a helpful flow chart to help you decide!

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Perhaps Unfair, and Almost Definitely Not Politically Correct, But…

March 23, 2016

Remember when I was talking about Sybil?  Of course you do––it was just a few posts back.  Anyway, over this past weekend, sick in bed and literally voice-less, I decided to re-read the Debbie Nathan book––for research, and also because salacious psych exposes are my kryptonite.  That’s beside the point.  Anyway, in the book, Nathan mentions that during the MPD craze of the eighties and nineties, someone started a newsletter for multiple personality sufferers called Many Voices.  And lo and behold, the entire archives are online.  It’s equal parts legitimately sad and disturbing and, shall we say, meta-sad and disturbing, knowing now how many of these people were likely to have been manipulated in therapy.  My favorite part of the newsletters––again, I know this isn’t technically funny, but… ––is the optimistic/humorous (opti-humorous?) koans offered by various contributors.  Below, a selection:

“If we’re multiples, they’re monotones.”
“If someone says, ‘That doesn’t sound like you,’ it probably wasn’t.”
“Caution!  Subject to rapid personality changes.”
“I found myself!  And another, and another, and another… ”
“Maximum occupancy: 200 people bodies.”
“I had just learned that I am a multiple, and was feeling stunned and angry about it.  ‘Forget this,’ I said, ‘I’m not playing host to all these people.  Everybody OUT.  Immediately.'”
“I’m a community.  Who are you?”
“We’re not all multiples.”
“What is a multiple’s favorite fruit?  Bananas––they come in bunches.”
“TV Guide: MPD––your alternative to MTV.  We dance to the beat of a different drummer.  Featuring The Dissociations, a hot new group from the Ego States.  Like Madonna, they constantly reinvent themselves.”
“No longer alone.  Supported by others, who have others!”
“How does a person diagnosed with MPD know they are completely fused?  When they hear the word multiple and think VITAMINS!”