THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

January 13, 2016

I have found Petite Meller’s publicist’s email, and am thinking of writing him to ask if he could let me know when her album comes out so I can write a profile piece on her I plan to title “Weird for the Jews.”  Because apparently her real name is Sivan, and she spent much of her teen years in Tel Aviv, although she likes to play up the French aspect of her persona (in the very Greek sense of the word) and basically ignore the Jewish part.  Self-hating?  Another connection to Freud?  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?

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I would just bypass the publicist and sign up for her mailing list, but that would mean being part of her self-titled “little empire” (echoes of Lady Gaga here?)  Maybe for the profile, she and I can go hat-shopping together in London and she can tell me whether her hair at the end of the video for Barbaric was supposed to resemble payot or if that was just coincidental?

Manic Monday

January 11, 2016

One time, a friend of mine told me he liked my blog because it was a throwback to those days when people just “wrote about anything they felt like” on their sites.  I guess now it’s all too polished (aka written for an audience of people other than said blogger’s father, husband, and lone friend who likes ad lib) and curated and sponsored.  Well, no one sponsors me, so I guess I can just say what I like!  Which is helpful on this particular Monday, because I haven’t been unproductive exactly, but I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything for more than twenty seconds at a time.  Below are the subjects I find myself flitting between:

  1. I’m way late to this game, but damn, Petite Meller is one weird child-woman.  It makes me uncomfortable to watch her pale ass writhing around in a pastel onesie, and yet I have had this video on in the background basically all morning. I think these Kenyan schoolgirls might be my newest fashion obsession.  I’ve considered Googling “African private school straw hats” a few times in the past hour, but I’m worried Google would just shoot back, “You’re a fucking racist.”  And it would be justified in doing so.Petite_BBLV_09Also, when I finally get around to creating my hat label, Whimsical Haberdashery, Petite Meller will definitely model my first season.  Last note on her: she’s apparently obsessed with Freud, and The Guardian just ran a long piece on the return psychoanalysis, which I recommend although I’m too lazy to link to it.  Bottom line: Way to go, Freud!  You may be dead but you’re still killing it!
  2. I keep meaning to tell someone this because I think it’s hysterical, but the other night I had a dream that the only “serious” critic (whatever that means) to give my book a mediocre review and I drove on ATVs to the Grand Canyon for a little day trip.  It was really fun, actually.  I think we should consider doing it in real life.
  3. I’m pursuing a number of very different stories at the moment, and ergo am trying to find a bunch of new sources and have no idea how to go about getting them, aside from this: if you happen to have a son at the Westminster Abbey Choir School, or are a Hare Krishna convert who wears a traditional robe most of the time, or you’re currently in drug rehab and considering becoming a Christian, or maybe you wear the same thing to work every day a la Matilda Kahl, shoot me a note.
  4. I’m lying to you and to myself here––I haven’t been thinking about any of the above.  I’ve just been looking at pictures of Petite Meller.  WHY.  I get the whole shtick, right now, immediately.  I don’t need to hear her breathy whispers about her philosophy degree or her one-woman campaign to help us all bring our libidinal subconsciouses (subconsciousnesses?) to light––I see where this is all headed, which makes me hate it.  So why am I lusting after her fake-rosacea?  Lord, grant me the strength to resist her (but not yet.)

    Oh and PS, she totally stole this hat idea from me.  Ask my husband.  He knows.

    Oh and PS, she totally stole this hat idea from me. Ask my husband. He knows.

New Year’s Resolutions

January 5, 2016

ID: any other big goals?

AC: I have a list of things that I want to do (mostly one-off things) in the service of my abstract goal to have more fun and like things more
I really want to make a music video, for no real reason

ID: that’s amazing

AC: I even know which song

ID: which one?

AC:  It’s this weird song about Nietzsche to the tune of call me maybe

ID: “stare into the abyss and the abyss will call you maybe”
i just laughed the deepest, most evil laugh i’ve ever laughed

War and Peace on the BBC

January 3, 2016

A few years ago, a very stylish New Yorker writer told me that I was just like the Little Princess in War and Peace, which I thought was surely the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me, until I read the book and realized that the Princess’s most defining characteristic was her tiny but distinct mustache.

PS Is Natasha Rostova the original manic pixie dream girl?  Certainly as portrayed by Lily James, an argument could be made…

PPS Don’t you think there should be some creepy porn TOR called Firefoxxx?  Copyright!

Public Service Announcement Regarding Cinematic Werewolves

December 29, 2015

So I’ve noticed over the past few years that whenever I ask someone if they’ve seen the movie An American Werewolf in London, they give me a look like I’m complete trash and say, “Uh, no?”  At which point I have to explain that I am not, in fact, talking about the mid-nineties horror dud An American Werewolf in Paris.  Two different European cities here, people!  The Paris-based flick was widely panned by audiences and critics alike, and had the kind of laughable premise endemic to sequels.  It also had CGI, which we’ve pretty much decided at this point can get very bad, very fast.

To contrast: An American Werewolf in London has Griffin Dunne (of the Dunne dynasty), the North Yorkshire Moors, and a kickass soundtrack featuring Van Morrison and Creedence (but not, oddly enough, Warren Zevon.)  It manages to be actually funny and actually frightening simultaneously, which the sequel, it goes without saying, does not.  There’s also a steamy shower sex scene, which the adults with whom I watched it at the tender age of ten or so wisely fast-forwarded through.  (I’ve since seen it, though.)

In conclusion, please do not mix up these two films.  It is like mixing up good Stilton and American cheese, no pun intended.  Now, I’m off to get a pina colada at Trader Vic’s.  Keep it real, kids.

I’ll Have What He’s Having

December 22, 2015

Re-reading William James and came across this “conversion” story, which is enviable, to say the least.

“At the urgent request of friends, and with no faith and hardly any hope (possibly owing to a previous unsuccessful experience with a Christian Scientist), our little daughter was placed under the care of a healer, and cured of a trouble about which the physician had been very discouraging in his diagnosis.  This interested me, and I began studying earnestly the method and philosophy of this method of healing.  Gradually an inner peace and tranquillity came to me in so positive a way that my manner changed greatly.  My children and friends noticed the change and commented upon it.  All feelings of irritability disappeared.  Even the expression of my face changed noticeably.

“I had been bigoted, aggressive, and intolerant in discussion, both in public and private.  I grew broadly tolerant and receptive toward the views of others.  I had been nervous and irritable, coming home two or three times a week with a sick headache induced, as I then supposed, by dyspepsia and catarrh.  I grew serene and gentle, and the physical troubles entirely disappeared.  I had been in the habit of approaching every business interview with an almost morbid dread.  I now meet every one with confidence and inner calm.

“I may say that the growth has all been toward the elimination of selfishness.  I do not mean simply the grosser, more sensual forms, but those subtler and generally unrecognized kinds, such as express themselves in sorrow, grief, regret, envy, etc.  It has been in the direction of a practical, working realization of the immanence of God, and the Divinity of man’s true, inner self.”

 

Change of Heart

December 16, 2015

LB:  i’m so sleepy and i have to stay at work an extra hour for a holiday party.  not excited.

ID: are you working the party or partying the party?

LB: i’m bailing after 20 mins
partying

ID: so that’s slightly better

LB: yeah
but i’m with work people all day, i don’t really want to hang out with them on a social level
at least not most of them
ID: yeah totally
i remember that

LB: and now i’m bored. 2 more hours with nothing to do

ID: i was going to shower but
meh

LB: so in an interesting turn of events, my co-worker just brought in a flame thrower

ID: okay well now you have to stay

LB: i know, right?

Women Are Better Than Men, Part A Million and One

December 14, 2015

“The language of conversion can be abrupt.”  With these words Karl F. Morrison approaches an account by Snorri Sturluson (1178/9-1241) of the Christian king of Norway, Olav Tryggvason (969-1000) and the non-Christian Queen Sigrid of Sweden, whom the king wished to marry.  “Marriage negotiations progressed well until the queen refused to abandon the religion that she held, as her kinsmen before her had done.  Olav, she said, could, without hindrance or reproach, worship whatever god pleased him.

“King Olav was very wroth and answered hastily, ‘Why should I wed you, you heathen bitch?’, and he struck her in the face with the glove he was holding in his hand.”  This was no way to win the heart of Queen Sigrid the Strong-minded.  Her response was instant: “This may be your death,” she said.  Turned into Olav’s staunchest enemy, she married the king of Denmark, whom she incited to the battle in which Olav died.

Varieties of Religious Conversion in the Middle Ages, from the chapter “Gender and Conversion in the Merovingian Era” by Cordula Nolte

That Thing

December 14, 2015

when someone asks you to help out at a kids’ Hanukkah party and you end up just making tiny fruit candles by yourself in a corner.

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Surprises from Broadly’s Rachel Dolezal Interview

December 13, 2015

Which can be found here.

  1. “In the aftermath of her newfound infamy, Rachel resigned from her unpaid role at the NAACP; the Spokane City Council voted to remove her from a volunteer Police Ombudsman Commission, and Eastern Washington University declined to renew her quarterly adjunct professor contract. Broke and seemingly unemployable (with the exception of a six-figure Vivid Entertainment porn offer she turned down), Rachel wrote a memoir proposal. She hoped she would receive an advance big enough to support herself and her two sons for as long as it takes to weather the storm, but she says publishers refused to sign her. Today, she says she remains out of work besides doing black women’s hair part-time and estimates a third of her friends have stopped speaking to her.”
    I am completely shocked that no publisher would buy this memoir.  I can’t tell if that’s because I have such a low opinion of publishers (that’s speaking very generally) or such a hopeful stance on Dolezal’s memoir.  I mean, where is Judith Regan when you need her?!
  2. “Pumpkins line her front steps in autumn, and inside her walls are adorned with her own artwork: a portrait of Pariah, the character in the Spike Lee–produced movie, over the fireplace; a drawing of the KKK chasing a black girl above Rachel’s bed; and a painting of her adopted son Izaiah as a baby next to the dining room table. In the living room, a Langston Hughes poetry book lies on a chest.”

Guys, Rachel Dolezal can fucking draw.  If she hadn’t gotten an MFA,  I’d guess she’d become the next outsider artist a la Jack Kevorkian and prison inmates who sell their paint-by-numbers.  (This guy is an acquaintance of mine.  #kiddingnotkidding)