Archive for April, 2012

Riddle Me This

April 16, 2012

If this person has the money to pay someone to look for jobs for them, why don’t they just… not get a job?

Looking for job search personal assistant (Park Slope, Brooklyn)

Date: 2012-04-16, 3:14PM EDT

Reply to: g9hsq-2961687742@gigs.craigslist.org

Looking for a person to help sort through job postings, and help in filling out job applications. Must have references. Should be someone young and highly motivated. The pay is $8 per hour, but the gig could last 50 hours or more over the next two weeks.

Please reply with name, phone, web address if any, and business writing sample (you will be writing cover letters, etc.)

Um, No

April 16, 2012

Um, Kate?

What's the point?

I’m really sorry to tell you, but you are not this cool:

Instant classic.

Besides, I think your new movie is called L!fe Happens, and if there’s anything I DESPISE, it’s using a punctuation mark where a letter should be.  I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to say that?  I’m looking at you, Ke$ha –– even though I’m not, cause your face scares me.

One From the Vault

April 16, 2012

Another limerick written while drunk in Paris:

Ode to My Cat

There once was a black cat named Slash

who could charm in the bat of a lash

when he wore his lil’ tee

more swooning you’d see

than ingredients are in succotash

It works but also, like, doesn’t.

Random Things

April 15, 2012

It could be worse.  Your Sunday Blues could be so bad that you teared up during an Internet video about a little kid who made his own arcade out of cardboard and erected it in his father’s East Los Angeles auto parts store.

Or you could have resorted to posting vaguely melancholic drawings of a child’s feet in a hospital bed.

Apparently I'm obsessed with Mia Nolting.

OR you could have found this quote from a New Yorker article about the new, modernized Mecca LOL hilar:

“I received a text message confirming that a[n animal] sacrifice had been made on my behalf.”  (“Modern Mecca” by Basharat Peer)

Although the last thing has nothing to do with Sunday blues, per se…

Good Night, Baltimore!

April 13, 2012

Pretty soon, we will ARRIVE!

From a recent Wall Street Journal article about John Waters, sent to me by my indefatigably hilarious father:

“When I was young there were beatniks. Hippies. Punks. Gangsters. Now you’re a hacktivist. Which I would probably be if I was 20. Shuttin’ down MasterCard. But there’s no look to that lifestyle! Besides just wearing a bad outfit with bad posture. Has WikiLeaks caused a look? No! I’m mad about that. If your kid comes out of the bedroom and says he just shut down the government, it seems to me he should at least have an outfit for that. Get a look! I’m not judging what they do; I hope they don’t shut me down.”

So, John, when KM and I make it to Baltimore, and the three of us are throwing back shots of Wild Turkey, I will ask you to make a sketch of a WikiLeaks army member uniform.  xoxoxo!

 

Fun Fact!

April 12, 2012

Wanna hear something funny?  The Dalai Lama has 3,962,976 followers on Twitter, and yet he follows NO ONE.  Damn, Dalai! That’s a statement.

An Old Friend

April 12, 2012

3. There are probably whole Johns Hopkins U. Press books to be written on the lallating function that humor serves in today’s US psyche.  A crude way to put the whole thing is that our present culture is, both developmentally and historically, adolescent.  And since adolescence is acknowledge to be the single most stressful and frightening period of human development –– the stage when the adulthood we claim to crave begins to present itself as a real and narrowing system of responsibilities and limitations (taxes, death) and when we yearn inside for a return to the same childish oblivion we pretend to scorn* –– it’s not difficult to see why we as a culture are so susceptible to art and entertainment whose primary function is escape, i.e. fantasy, adrenaline, spectacle, romance, etc.  Jokes are a kind of art, and because most of us Americans come to art now essentially to escape ourselves –– to pretend for a while that we’re not mice and walls are parallel and the cat can be outrun –– it’s understandable that most of us are going to view “A Little Fable” as not at all that funny, or maybe even see it as a repulsive instance of the exact sort of downer-type death-and-taxes reality for which “real” humor serves as a respite.

*(Do you think it’s a coincidence that college is when many Americans do their most serious fucking and falling-down drinking and generally ecstatic Dyonysian-type reveling?  It’s not.  College students are adolescents, and they’re terrified, and they’re dealing with their terror in a distinctively US way.  Those naked boys hanging upside-down out of their frat house’s windows on Friday night are simply trying to buy a few hours’ escape from the grim adult stuff that any decent school has forced them to think about all week.)

—–

Note to the heavens: I’ll work on the books about the “lallating function” that humor STILL serves.  Rest in peace, DFW.

Blue Baby

April 10, 2012

 

That is all.

My New Favorite Foreign Word

April 9, 2012

… is poshlost, Russian for, roughly:

“self-satisfied vulgarity…” “… banality, with a characteristic national flavoring of metaphysics and high morality, and a peculiar conjunction of the sexual and the spiritual. This one word encompasses triviality, vulgarity, sexual promiscuity, and a lack of spirituality. The war against poshlost’ was a cultural obsession of the Russian and Soviet intelligentsia from the 1860s to 1960s.”

Of course, I first encountered this term in an article railing against –– what else? –– the about-to-premiere HBO show Girls.  

Strange Syndromes and Illnesses I’ve Learned Of From Watching Law and Order: SVU

April 9, 2012

Fatal Familial Insomnia

Capgras Syndrome

Reproductive Abuser

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Staff Mersa

Brief Reactive Psychosis

EXTREME Stockholm Syndrome

Arousal Parasomnia

Canavan Disease

Turner Syndrome

Tay-Sachs

Enuresis paraphilia called Urolangia

Brocha’s Aphasia

Long QT Syndrome

“Killer” HIV

Factitious Disorder

Polycystic Kidney Disease

Placenta Previa

Porphyria

Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy

Postictal Shock

Alport Syndrome

Renal Osteodystrophy

Methylmalonic acidemia

Coprophilia

Quiet Sociopathy

Azoopermia

Cardaginer Syndrome

Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation Syndrome

Squamous Cell Esophageal Cancer