Archive for December, 2013


December 7, 2013

So I’m spending two days at a sex shop in Albuquerque (more on that later) and the owner is talking to me about various sexual politics about which, boring monogamous lady that I am, I never ever would have imagined.  Here I find myself flipping through a guidebook to BDSM and coming across a section about “branding fantasies.”  Upon reading, I actually thought to myself, “That’s pretty smart!”  Which… well, we’ll leave it at that.

“A branding fantasy can be satisfied very neatly without any permanent damage to the ‘branded’ slave.  A dear friend had success with the following ingenious scenario.  We found it too cute and clever to keep to ourselves, but don’t divulge this trick to more than thirty or forty of your closest friends.

“The ingredients include a bound and willing subject, a blindfold, a hibachi (or a skillet and hotplate; hibachis are more dramatic, but indoor ventilation is a problem) a bit of raw hamburger, a can of frozen juice, and a branding iron.  The branding iron is not absolutely essential, but it does add a lot to the atmosphere.  These wrought iron props are nifty to have anyway.  They inspire interesting thoughts and conversations when left hung on a wall.

“Proceed as if you were going to really brand your partner.  Bind her so that she won’t move.  Show your lady the hibachi and branding iron (if you have one).  Get her consent to proceed with branding.  Talk about the pain that is to follow and how to care for third degree burns to help build your victims anticipation.  Now comes the blindfold.

“When the person has reached the right frame of mind, and when the hibachi is very hot, it is time for the moment of truth.  Push a frozen can of juice hard against your victims skin while simultaneously tossing your hamburger onto the hot coals.  The cold of the can against the skin will feel like burning, while the hamburger produces the sounds and smell of searing flesh.  Optional screams are furnished by the submissive.”

The Next Bestseller

December 2, 2013

In the tradition of No Carbon Footprint guy and every other pointless test of will documented in a book, the Gimmicks & Stretches Publishing Company is proud to announce the release of PAWING AT LIFE: MY YEAR WITHOUT HANDS.  A minor onion chopping accident gets Lillian McWordsmith thinking, “What would life be like if I just didn’t use my hands?”  With that premise-–and no thought of a future book deal whatsoever, seriously––McWordsmith decides to to spend one year with hands inside giant thumbless oven mitts, which render them useless.  Her hilarious stories––from sexual escapades gone wrong to feeling slighted at the phrase “five finger discount” and more––are compiled in this life-affirming and thought-provoking text, which is based on the blog she maintained with the help of a disability monkey and voice-activated software.  If you’ve ever wondered if you suffered from body integrity identity disorder or just like a rollicking good time, this is the book for you!  Dedicated to A. J. Jacobs.