Apparently I saved a draft of a post with this title three months ago. Maybe it was about Amish memoirist Marlene Miller? Or maybe about something else? I hope the latter, because I’m having fun imagining what that something else could have been…
Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category
Did You Write Your Memoirs by Hand?
June 28, 2016Vocab
June 19, 2016Isn’t it fun to get used books and see what the previous owners wrote in them? This morning I finished Caroline Blackwood’s The Stepdaughter, which I have been wanting to read for ages (but found a little disappointing.) A former owner underlined single words, perhaps ones he or she wanted to look up, throughout the text, which together comprise a very macabre description of Caroline Blackwood’s personality and her fiction. Here goes:
psychotic
incomprehensible
discotheques
pariah
apt
abominable
lolls
sadistic
neurotic
inertia
matronly
ominous
magnanimous
foisting
blight
churlish
lobotomized
schizoid
invariably
fatuously
fanciful
unhinged
nymphomaniac
unprepossessing
recriminations
furtively
shiftiness
ludicrous
petard [pretty sure this is a typo and was supposed to be “retard”]
insoluble
vicarious
beleaguered
odious
dilettante
despondently
odious
fatuous
timorous
solicitude
histrionic
Also, sort of strange––this book was the property of St. Mary’s Library, and was taken out four times in 1978, and then not again until 1992. And then once after that in 1999. On my birthday! What do these numbers mean?
Am I Alone or…
June 16, 2016have catpchas really jumped the shark?

Snuff Films/Writer Problems
June 15, 2016So a few days ago, I was working on a piece in which I wanted to insert a little joke about the terrible nineties flick 8MM starring Nicholas Cage, and then I decided that in order to make sure the joke was accurate, I had to re-watch 8MM. (But I didn’t, really.) Then, halfway through the film, I was hit with one of those urges to Google something inappropriate. We all know that feeling: you’re watching Law and Order: SVU, and you think to yourself, “Is NAMBLA really real?!” And then you go to type in “North American Man Boy Love Association” into your search bar and realized, “Oh shit, what if someone thinks I’m actually looking for NAMBLA as opposed to just, well, verifying that NAMBLA is a thing?” Or perhaps you’re trying to write a short story about someone who builds a bomb, but you have zero idea how to build a bomb yourself, so you go to the library, but then remember that checking out The Anarchist’s Cookbook might get your name on quite a few government lists.
But the other night, my inhibitions lowered by lack of sleep, and also comforted by the fact that probably a million people have Googled “snuff film” before, I went for it. And one of the first hits was this random story on Reddit, which I thought, in my delirium, might be true but of course it’s just the ramblings of a horror writer trying to drum up a few readers by pulling the old “it’s true, really!” card. Still, someone should consider making a movie of it. Nic Cage could star.
Please, please believe me.
My Dad was an odd man, quiet , reclusive and with a weird sense of humour. But it was a safe strangeness, a slight eccentricity that I assumed all aging fathers had.The strangest thing about him was the fact that his left hand only had a thumb, a forefinger and a little finger. He never explained what happened, and the one time I was to ask – when I was nearing 16 – he very calmly stared at me and told me to never ask again. It was the type of calm that chills you, the type of calm that’s only formed through utter, utter rage. I’d asked my Mum about it and she’d always quietly replied “Ask your father.”. Apart from that he was relatively normal.
My Dad used to stay up late, watching old VHS’ in the attic whilst we (my mother and I) went about our business downstairs, me playing on the computer and her cooking, or whatever she got up to. The room at the top of the House, essentially a converted attic was his domain. My Dad didn’t ask much, but that room was his and only his. My and my Mum were never, ever allowed in. I took it for granted at the time, assumed everyone had their ‘me’ place, and for the most part brushed it off. I was never allowed into the top room – I assumed when I was younger it was because it was his secret lair, though as I grew older I thought he could be watching porn.
The truth is far more sinister.
My Dad never left the house except for working whilst I was at school, he didn’t seem to have many friends and so I never had a chance to see what he was really hiding. I tried once to look for Christmas presents, and once more when I was older… for porn. Both times the door was locked, firmly and the thought of my Dad finding me looking made me terrified. His temper flared rarely, and nastily.
After bunking off school after lunch to finish a project at the fine age of 19 to finally conquer the room, driven by a desire for independence and to satisfy my endless curiousity. I got in today. My Dad was at work, and judging by the half finished bottle of whiskey sitting on the stairs, he’d been drinking. He forgot to lock the door, which was a rarity. The past times I’d tried the door was double locked, but I assumed that in the rush my Dad had simply forgotten to lock it- assuming I’d be out all day. On opening I was assuming something dark and dangerous would appear, I’d see a dead body – or something hiedous, but instead all there was was a box of old VHS a faded armchair, and an old, large TV.
I instantly leapt to the videos, knowing I didn’t have much time and that my Dad would be furious if he was to find me looking through them. I found a large amount of old movies, old taped TV shows – I was about to give up – until I found a tape simply labelled, in childish, scrawled hand ‘PACT’. The reason I noticed it was that it was clean, the white case it was in was dog-eared, but clean. All the other videos were dusty but in pristine condition, and this film hidden at the bottom seemed to have been watched over and over.
Taking a deep breath, and listening to hear if the door unlocked I slipped it into the TV.
This is where it gets weird…
Litrivia
June 8, 2016I was reading an interesting article in the New York Review of Books yesterday (because I am a very serious intellectual person) about two recently translated German novels. One, by a writer named Jakob Wassermann, chronicles a particularly unhappy marriage. Check out what the article’s author had to say about it:
“Unfolding in fin-de-siecle Austria, the book is socially and psychologically fascinating, a furious, baffled portrait of what has to be the worst marriage in the history of literature––yes, even worse than that one, the one you just thought of when you read that sentence.”
From the context, it’s slightly unclear if the writer is talking about Wassermann’s actual marriage or about the marriage of the fictional characters in the book, but I think it’s the latter. In any case, I can think of numerous marriages that could compete for most miserable in either category. So––which one do you think she was talking about?
Glad to Know Most People Are Sane
June 7, 2016Although you’d never know it after a visit to the Louvre…

Pizza Profiling
June 6, 2016LB: my co worker was telling me about his daughter’s bday party
which i couldn’t care less about because i’m a monster
but he said they had pizza
and all i wanted to know was where he ordered the pizza from
because you can tell a lot about a person from where they order pizza from
ID: you can indeed!
LB: like, did he go the papa john’s route or go for something more local
he lives close to my boyfriend’s sister and i know where she orders pizza from so i’m guessing he did the same
why i care about these things, i have not a clue
i could have asked but the moment has passed
Tweet
May 26, 2016There’s some weird noise––probably associated with construction––that goes off outside my window every 2-3 hours during the day, and it sounds like the alarm triggered whenever an idealistic young upstart escapes from a dystopian commune in the future. I should be annoyed when my concentration is broken but instead I just think, “Run, XTC-619! Run toward the Technicolor wheat fields of freedom!”
Theresa Duncan, Again
May 19, 2016I’ve written about Theresa Duncan before, in a mini-obit that strikes me now as pretty adolescent (although I’ve resisted editing it.) And today, while writing something real (aka something not to be published here), I remembered an old essay of Duncan’s, perhaps the only piece of her writing I’ve ever really enjoyed or understood, the latter more a comment on her penchant for vagueness masquerading as intellectualism rather than my own powers of comprehension. In fact, I was writing my own essay about the Hotel Chelsea at the time, and about the inability of my own generation to create or connect to anything meaningful (it was a tough time in my life, I guess), but because of this essay I just stopped in my tracks, declaring myself scooped. It’s not quite as impressive as I remember it being last time I read it, but there are some bits that I still really enjoy (“smell like someone else’s teen spirit,” par example, and that line about the ancients drinking at El Q. I used to drink there often; I know those people.)
I left her typos intact. As a parting note: I wonder what’s happening with that Van Sant biopic?
Generation Xorcism: Baby Boomer Ghostbusting at the Chelsea Hotel
“I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
you were talking so brave and so sweet,
giving me head on the unmade bed,
while the limousines wait in the street.”
–Leonard Cohen, Chelsea Hotel #2
The Chelsea Hotel, with its dead poets and rock star revenants, is one of the most counterculturally significant locations in New York City, perhaps the most hipster-haunted location in the U. S. of A. The glamour of the Chelsea, with its curlicue iron balconies, resolute dumpiness and ghostly auditory echoes of a thousand fantastic lays–Edie Sedgwick and Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen and Janis Joplin (musical homage to said encounter above), unspeakably sexy Vogue model Verushcka and Peter Fonda–is still utterly evident. Even the ugly abstract art in the lobby speaks to the place’s authentic Bohemian status, unlike the gorgeous, expertly crafted products of the boutique-art doppelganger Chelsea four or five blocks West. When I’m in town I like to go to the El Quijote bar downstairs from the hotel and drink next to people who have been perched for hours–perhaps days, even decades, a century?–on the black vinyl barstools. These are drinkers who make my thirstiest night seem like I’m sitting in a high chair in my mama’s kitchen. This is, after all, where Dylan Thomas uttered the last words, “I’ve had eighteen whiskies, I think that’s a record,” before retiring to sleep off his hangover for all eternity.
In 1992, critic Anthony Vidler published a book entitled The Architectural Uncanny, which posited that architectural space is psychically charged [editor’s note: need this book immediately], which echoes an earlier theory of Walter Benjamin’s that fetishism explores a confused overlap between the mental and the physical, the organic and the inorganic, as in the great poster for Andy Warhol’s film about the Chelsea Hotel, above. Having a paella dinner at El Quijote in the October rain this year, I had a chance to mull these theories over vis-a-vis the Chelsea. On the sidewalk outside the hotel, the red brick facade was suddenly a tombstone, its historical-monument plaques epitaphs, the still vibrant swarm of life inside a danse macabre to the tune of somebody else’s youth. The mirror over the bar didn’t reflect back my own face, but someone inhabiting someone else’s possibly better era, like the 19th century photo-double that grins back at Jack Nicholson’s 1980s hotel caretaker in Kubrick’s The Shining.
The uncanny version of the El Quijote mirror gives us a funhouse look down the decades into the irrational possibilities of the bewitched architectural space. Suddenly my generation’s much remarked (and thereby constantly reinforced) “ironic” embrace of other peoples’ clothes and music and styles is not a choice, but a masochistic assignment to worhip and enact scenes from the previous generation’s bygone but admittedly intoxicating youth. The crimson awning over the lobby entrance in this light is the famished cat in the animated cartoon who deceptively rolls out his tongue as a red carpet leading into the flashing entrance marquee of his fanged mouth. Sitting in the Chelsea drunk on the musty but still potent perfumes of Jack Smith and Joey Ramone, I’m actually volunteering to surrender my subjectivity and enage in a seance where I am not a citizen of the 21st century but an empty portal for some East Village other. If you doubt the Chelsea’s status as the Haunted Indian Burial Ground of Baby Boomer hipster culture, consider that no significant counterculture has been produced by Western white middle class youth since Sid Vicious murdered his girlfriend on this very spot and died of a heroin overdose in Rikers prison in the middle of the East River shortly afterward.
Like the Chelsea Hotel, our present culture is so haunted by the long-over and yet uncannily indestructible “youth” of the Baby Boomers, so crammed with grey ghosts that room to inhabit the present is nearly nonexistent. That cultural undertow you’ve been feeling lately is them, invisibly buttonholing young strangers for just one more shared joint or pint, just one more amazingly funny anecdote about what happened back when. Our samizdat, our stray revolutionary pamphleteering, takes place in the invisible world inside the computer. Like peering into a private diorama inside an Easter egg, Generation X and younger generations have to look to the digital to find our stories anywhere. It’s not the already dying years of my own prime that I remember well in the Chelsea Hotel, it’s a mnemonic rock and roll rosary on which I worry the beads of memories that aren’t really mine. There is a vision haunting contemporary culture this Halloween, it looks like a spookhouse and smells like somebody else’s teen spirit. Like that famous adage about a nice place to visit, there’s nothing wrong with a trip to the Chelsea, as long as you leave the getaway limousine idling in the street. Request a 2005 model, and if you overhear a voice saying “Well Andy says…” grab your iPod and run like hell.
Let’s Get What We Really Need
May 17, 2016It seems that all-female remakes of classic dude flicks are in vogue. First, Ghostbusters, and now, Ocean’s 11, starring, maybe, Jennifer Lawrence? From some website called Movie News Guide:
Jennifer Lawrence has been making headlines for her every real or reel life move. Rumors of the “X-Men Apocalypse” star joining the female-led “Ocean’s Eleven” spin-off had been making rounds for quite sometime, but the representative of Lawrence has recently lashed out at it terming untrue and baseless.
(Quick aside: how hilariously UPSET is the tone in this? Her representative “lashed out” that the rumor was “baseless.” It’s like she’s been accused of having kiddie porn or something.)
Anyway, I guess this is a fine idea, but what I decided really needs to happen is an all-female remake of Reservoir Dogs. My husband thinks this idea is meh, but I’m pretty sure it’s gold, Jerry! I call the role of Mr. Pink. I’ve always agreed with him on the tipping front.