So the other evening I was Google Imaging Kiryas Joel––I honestly forget why––and I came upon the below result and thought, Nu-uhhhh.

So the other evening I was Google Imaging Kiryas Joel––I honestly forget why––and I came upon the below result and thought, Nu-uhhhh.

The title is a bit of a misnomer, actually, because I did basically find a home for this, but then decided it wasn’t really a smart placement, for political reasons (how coy!) But I decided I like some parts of it, so I figured you might too. ENJOY!
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In the weeks leading up to our move from Brooklyn to London, I told anyone who asked (which was everyone) that I was not nervous one bit about relocating to a foreign country. What was there to be nervous about, I argued. Globalization had ensured that basically all major cities are the same, and in this one, they spoke English, to boot. If anything, it wasn’t going to be different enough, I worried privately. Perhaps we should have lobbied my husband’s company for Hong Kong, or Paris, or Sao Paolo.
But then, the moving debacle happened: about an hour before we were scheduled to move into our new apartment, the broker called us. Our landlady had had to return to Dubai on an emergency, and hadn’t been able to get all of our personal stuff out. Perhaps we could move it to a storage unit and send her the bill? Upon arrival, I surveyed the scene. Her personal stuff was everywhere: mothy wool sweaters packed into closets that we’d been promised would be cleaned out, children’s drawings stacked in cupboards, half-filled bottles of spices lining the shelves in the kitchen, a bucket of dirty water in the bathroom. The landlady herself was unresponsive, and when we expressed our concern to the agents they seemed eager to wash their hands of us, explaining that it wasn’t their job to do x or y (what it was their job to actually do, I have yet to fully understand.) The bottom line, we were told, is that there was nothing we could really do but pay to have her stuff moved out.
I’d dealt with my fair share of shady people throughout my adult life, realtors not least among them, and though the experience was never enjoyable, I had always been able to speak up for myself and then go on about my day. It’s understandable that a dismal start in a new home would throw anyone, but I was surprised by how totally powerless I felt in the situation. This sense of paralysis trickled down to even the most basic tasks, including those I was accustomed to and which I’d executed easily back home. For example, grocery shopping. Where was the nearest grocery store? Did I need to tip the person who packaged my groceries? For that matter, did one tip anyone here? If I bought a bunch of apples and found a human finger inside, could I take it back, or was there some secret British law that protected the apple farmer over the consumer? For that matter: what was an apple, and what was money? Too embarrassed to ask questions that would surely be seen as elementary, I found myself wandering aisles examining bottles of olive oil, wondering to myself if perhaps “olive oil” didn’t mean something completely different in England than it did at home. Because after all, if “I’ll move out my personal stuff” meant “Please watch over the leather handcuffs in my nightstand drawer” here (you read that correctly), then what fresh hell was this, anyway?
The pall began to shadow every aspect of my new life, and I spent increasingly more time aggravated with myself for being so thrown, for taking on this new persona that was so resigned in private and timid in public. I began to wonder whether or not I would have reacted the same way in New York. Would a spat with a landlord there, for example, have rendered me incapable of buying a book, or receiving a package, or finding the closest dry cleaner and actually bringing my clothes there? And that’s when it hit me that I had completely underestimated the sense of vertigo one develops after moving far away from home. I had expected to adapt seamlessly to this place, but I hadn’t given the place credit, or myself leeway for being human and, ergo, struggling with change. Even when your new city seems on the surface to be practically identical to your old one––a sprawling urban center with subways and Starbucks and beer-drinking yuppies––there are these tiny discrepancies, sometimes virtually unnoticeable, that can make you feel like you’re no longer the master of your domain, and not in the Seinfeld-ian sense (no one gets Seinfeld references in London, to add to the opportunities for miscommunication.) Your foundational knowledge begins to feel sieved, and your confidence can crumble as a result. And without a network of trusted resources, both human and bureaucratic, to help you navigate the new landscape, it’s easy to start to feel like you just can’t do anything, and couldn’t recruit any allies even if you wanted to, your cultural and linguistic fluency so desperately lacking. I remembered an essay I read some years ago by Olivia Laing, a Brit out of place in New York, on the way the socially adrift tend to become “less adept… at navigating social currents.” Upon re-reading, I nodded to no one.
I wish I could say that the epiphany renewed my tenacity in an instant, but I’m thinking that’s something that’s built up over time, with every bottle of olive oil purchased. But for the record, olive oil means the same thing basically everywhere, and leather handcuffs are never your responsibility.
KS: I was at an after party last night with Christian from Clueless. He spoke to me. Still unclear if he’s gay or straight even in real life! I died.
ID: I love it when life imitates art.
I have a few big pieces I have to really stay focused on, which means I can’t write smaller things––except for that piece about learning to walk a tight-wire I’m trying to finish but nobody seems to want to publish, which is nuts––but if I did have time, I would write about this chick Rebecca, who vlogs about her trichotillomania.* This video, which shows her shaving her head, went mini-viral a few weeks back.
One thing that’s been gnawing at me since I fell into Rebecca’s TrichJournal clickhole is: if one’s emotional state while pulling is anxious––i.e. the impulse is, like for many OCD and self-harm sufferers, to relieve indiscriminate anxiety via a concrete action/visceral sensation––then post-shaving, does the anxiety remain, or dissipate? I see in the comments that the urge to pull is transferred to other hair––eyelashes, pubic, etc.––although that might be only for some sufferers. If the anxiety remains, then generally, is treatment geared toward anxiety sufferers (medication, meditation, CBT, that kind of stuff) the standard option for those with trich? Is it shown to be effective? I guess what I’m trying to understand here is if trich resembles in its pathology a generalized anxiety disorder that becomes, through reinforcement, focused on cilium, or if the neurological origin of the obsession is more enigmatic, i.e. a fetish or Morgellons Disease? (“Disease.” I have no dog in that fight, just acknowledging that there are many beliefs about it.)
*Yes, I do realize how often I talk about how I don’t have time for small pieces anymore because I’m working on big pieces, and yet how rarely my whining seems to correspond with actual working-on-big-pieces.
I have found Petite Meller’s publicist’s email, and am thinking of writing him to ask if he could let me know when her album comes out so I can write a profile piece on her I plan to title “Weird for the Jews.” Because apparently her real name is Sivan, and she spent much of her teen years in Tel Aviv, although she likes to play up the French aspect of her persona (in the very Greek sense of the word) and basically ignore the Jewish part. Self-hating? Another connection to Freud? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?

I would just bypass the publicist and sign up for her mailing list, but that would mean being part of her self-titled “little empire” (echoes of Lady Gaga here?) Maybe for the profile, she and I can go hat-shopping together in London and she can tell me whether her hair at the end of the video for Barbaric was supposed to resemble payot or if that was just coincidental?
One time, a friend of mine told me he liked my blog because it was a throwback to those days when people just “wrote about anything they felt like” on their sites. I guess now it’s all too polished (aka written for an audience of people other than said blogger’s father, husband, and lone friend who likes ad lib) and curated and sponsored. Well, no one sponsors me, so I guess I can just say what I like! Which is helpful on this particular Monday, because I haven’t been unproductive exactly, but I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything for more than twenty seconds at a time. Below are the subjects I find myself flitting between:
Also, when I finally get around to creating my hat label, Whimsical Haberdashery, Petite Meller will definitely model my first season. Last note on her: she’s apparently obsessed with Freud, and The Guardian just ran a long piece on the return psychoanalysis, which I recommend although I’m too lazy to link to it. Bottom line: Way to go, Freud! You may be dead but you’re still killing it!
Oh and PS, she totally stole this hat idea from me. Ask my husband. He knows.
A few years ago, a very stylish New Yorker writer told me that I was just like the Little Princess in War and Peace, which I thought was surely the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me, until I read the book and realized that the Princess’s most defining characteristic was her tiny but distinct mustache.
PS Is Natasha Rostova the original manic pixie dream girl? Certainly as portrayed by Lily James, an argument could be made…
PPS Don’t you think there should be some creepy porn TOR called Firefoxxx? Copyright!
So I’ve noticed over the past few years that whenever I ask someone if they’ve seen the movie An American Werewolf in London, they give me a look like I’m complete trash and say, “Uh, no?” At which point I have to explain that I am not, in fact, talking about the mid-nineties horror dud An American Werewolf in Paris. Two different European cities here, people! The Paris-based flick was widely panned by audiences and critics alike, and had the kind of laughable premise endemic to sequels. It also had CGI, which we’ve pretty much decided at this point can get very bad, very fast.
To contrast: An American Werewolf in London has Griffin Dunne (of the Dunne dynasty), the North Yorkshire Moors, and a kickass soundtrack featuring Van Morrison and Creedence (but not, oddly enough, Warren Zevon.) It manages to be actually funny and actually frightening simultaneously, which the sequel, it goes without saying, does not. There’s also a steamy shower sex scene, which the adults with whom I watched it at the tender age of ten or so wisely fast-forwarded through. (I’ve since seen it, though.)
In conclusion, please do not mix up these two films. It is like mixing up good Stilton and American cheese, no pun intended. Now, I’m off to get a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. Keep it real, kids.
Re-reading William James and came across this “conversion” story, which is enviable, to say the least.
“At the urgent request of friends, and with no faith and hardly any hope (possibly owing to a previous unsuccessful experience with a Christian Scientist), our little daughter was placed under the care of a healer, and cured of a trouble about which the physician had been very discouraging in his diagnosis. This interested me, and I began studying earnestly the method and philosophy of this method of healing. Gradually an inner peace and tranquillity came to me in so positive a way that my manner changed greatly. My children and friends noticed the change and commented upon it. All feelings of irritability disappeared. Even the expression of my face changed noticeably.
“I had been bigoted, aggressive, and intolerant in discussion, both in public and private. I grew broadly tolerant and receptive toward the views of others. I had been nervous and irritable, coming home two or three times a week with a sick headache induced, as I then supposed, by dyspepsia and catarrh. I grew serene and gentle, and the physical troubles entirely disappeared. I had been in the habit of approaching every business interview with an almost morbid dread. I now meet every one with confidence and inner calm.
“I may say that the growth has all been toward the elimination of selfishness. I do not mean simply the grosser, more sensual forms, but those subtler and generally unrecognized kinds, such as express themselves in sorrow, grief, regret, envy, etc. It has been in the direction of a practical, working realization of the immanence of God, and the Divinity of man’s true, inner self.”
Which can be found here.
Guys, Rachel Dolezal can fucking draw. If she hadn’t gotten an MFA, I’d guess she’d become the next outsider artist a la Jack Kevorkian and prison inmates who sell their paint-by-numbers. (This guy is an acquaintance of mine. #kiddingnotkidding)