Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category

Surprises from Broadly’s Rachel Dolezal Interview

December 13, 2015

Which can be found here.

  1. “In the aftermath of her newfound infamy, Rachel resigned from her unpaid role at the NAACP; the Spokane City Council voted to remove her from a volunteer Police Ombudsman Commission, and Eastern Washington University declined to renew her quarterly adjunct professor contract. Broke and seemingly unemployable (with the exception of a six-figure Vivid Entertainment porn offer she turned down), Rachel wrote a memoir proposal. She hoped she would receive an advance big enough to support herself and her two sons for as long as it takes to weather the storm, but she says publishers refused to sign her. Today, she says she remains out of work besides doing black women’s hair part-time and estimates a third of her friends have stopped speaking to her.”
    I am completely shocked that no publisher would buy this memoir.  I can’t tell if that’s because I have such a low opinion of publishers (that’s speaking very generally) or such a hopeful stance on Dolezal’s memoir.  I mean, where is Judith Regan when you need her?!
  2. “Pumpkins line her front steps in autumn, and inside her walls are adorned with her own artwork: a portrait of Pariah, the character in the Spike Lee–produced movie, over the fireplace; a drawing of the KKK chasing a black girl above Rachel’s bed; and a painting of her adopted son Izaiah as a baby next to the dining room table. In the living room, a Langston Hughes poetry book lies on a chest.”

Guys, Rachel Dolezal can fucking draw.  If she hadn’t gotten an MFA,  I’d guess she’d become the next outsider artist a la Jack Kevorkian and prison inmates who sell their paint-by-numbers.  (This guy is an acquaintance of mine.  #kiddingnotkidding)

Desperately Seeking Former Porno Star

December 8, 2015

You know your life has taken a turn for the fucking weird when you spend your morning trying to contact Jenna Jameson…

Irritated/Funny List

December 7, 2015

So I’ve been in a low-grade shitty mood since Saturday night because of thought plagiarism, as a general concept (not going to elaborate), and then I went to go purchase tickets to a Hanukkah concert and found my spirits lightened by the sheer number of title options available to your average British consumer.  (Some of these are certainly included only because it’s a Jewish event, but still.)

Baron

Baroness

Captain

Chazan

Chief Rabbi

Cllr

Colonel

Commander

Dame

Dayan

Dr

Dr & Mrs

General

His Honour

Judge

Lady

Lord

Lt. Cdr

Major

 

It just occurred to me that there may have been more options, but I didn’t scroll down.  Curses!  *waves fists at sky*

ID Does the Headlines!

December 3, 2015

Hello everyone!  It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: when ID solves in one word the problems think-piece writers have labored over for hours for probably $100 a pop.  I know what you’re thinking: “ID, things are complicated!  Life is full of gray areas!  Sometimes issues require 1200 words eked from the pen of a beleaguered aspiring journalist!”  But now listen to me: no.  No, they don’t.  Understand?

Let’s begin!

New York Times Magazine: What Is It About Adele?
Answer: She has a good voice

The Memo: Quitting Facebook Boosts Happiness and Stops Loneliness: Should We Cut Free From Social Media?
Answer: Yes.

Slate: Should We Trust Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan to Donate Their Money Wisely?
Answer: Yes.

The Guardian: Is Ironing a Thing of the Past?
Answer: No.

Vogue.com: Are We Addicted to Stories About Internet Addiction?
Answer: “Addicted?”  No.

Refinery29: Can Paper Magazine’s New Paris Hilton Cover Break the Internet?
Answer: No.

The Atlantic: Why Are There So Many Data Centers in Iowa?
Subtitle: “Networks, land, power, and taxes.”
Answer: So, uh, yeah, you answered your own question.  Thanks for saving me some time.

 

 

 

Resolved

December 1, 2015

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is the new Morgellon’s Disease.  Go!

Wait

November 23, 2015

I was looking around Etsy (fucking sue me) for a gift the other day, and on the page that details the art categories, I noticed…

Screen Shot 2015-11-19 at 6.05.46 PM

That’s a bowl, right?  For weed?  Is Etsy based in Portland, or is this the world we live in now?  To be clear, I’m not upset about that, I just want to know so I am aware of what’s acceptable.

What Exactly Do You Mean by That?

November 18, 2015

I normally don’t get in a tizzy about things like this, but what the fuck is a MANSIZE tissue?

Screen Shot 2015-11-12 at 1.48.36 PM

My sneezes are just as important and deserve just as money as a man’s, thankyouverymuch.

So Many Conspiracy Theories

November 13, 2015

And you know what’s at the center of them all?  L. Ron.

So my husband suggested I read a Gawker/Jezebel article on a fancy Silver Lake, Los Angeles preschool’s insane drama (full text here.)  Naturally I Google the direct link so as to avoid scrolling through the depressingly vacuous stories on both sites, but that’s neither here nor there.  The Silver Lake preschool thing wasn’t exactly hard hitting––like, these aren’t problems, exactly––but was fascinating in a horrible sort of way.  Apparently the school is run by an egomaniacal do-gooder (they exist) who also has her own IMDB page (it is LA, after all.)  The past few years, she has lorded over Camelot Preschool (too easy) wearing Lululemon pants and a crown made of children’s tears (something like that.)  She also has her own line of maternity clothing, which she advertises as having been worn by “Jenna Elfman, Matt Damon’s wife Luciana Barroso, John Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston, Gillian Anderson…”  Notice anything fishy here?  That’s right––Scientology.  Nobody in Hollywood brings up Jenna Elfman and the Travolta family unless they’re prepared to be associated with everyone’s favorite thetan clearers.  And if I may say so, her inflated self image seems like it would really fit well with the whole OT Supreme Being thing.  As my husband said, “I almost want to comment and bring that up, but… I don’t care.”  All I care about is going on the record, so that when it comes out that this bitch is a Scientologist, I can say, “We told you so.”*

*The “we” because this is really all thanks to my husband, who first pointed out the Scientology connection.

Terrible Game Tuesday

November 10, 2015

Time for a new game: of these portraits of Victorian ladies, which ones were taken on psych wards and which ones are just, well, your average Victorian lady?

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 12.52.35 PM

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 12.57.37 PM

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 12.58.13 PM

unknownlady18

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 12.59.48 PM

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 12.55.38 PM

(I could have kept going for ages, for the record.)

Email Siobhan for the answers!

Is it just me

November 2, 2015

or does this immediately strike you as gross?

Screen Shot 2015-11-02 at 9.00.46 AMVia the Guardian, which I really didn’t think was porn, but maybe I’m wrong?

PS In my dream last night, a book reviewer called me “chubby” and then I was so upset that they (reviewer and whatever publication they were attached to, I guess?) offered me $1.1 million.  I was still upset, which should have been the clue that I was dreaming, because in real life I’d like be, “SO worth it!”