Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category

60%

October 27, 2015

You know when nothing in your life is going right, and so you feel justified in lying around and feeling sorry for yourself, maybe eating ice cream and drinking beer before noon?  (I once saw a guy in Vienna order that for breakfast, and I was in complete awe of him.)  Well, sometimes I think that might be better than when things in your life are going decently––like, it’s 60% cool––so you have no real reason to complain, but also nothing spectacular or even mildly weird is going on, so you’re a little… bored, maybe?  And you know it’s good––better to be bored than putting out fires left and right––but you can’t help but want to shake things up a little?  Maybe by accepting an invite to smoke opium and head on over to a world music fest at the apartment of dark, deranged Dorian Gray.

“At another time he devoted himself entirely to music, and in a long latticed room, with a vermilion-and-gold ceiling and walls of olive-green lacquer, he used to give curious concerts, in which mad gypsies tore wild music from little zithers, or grave yellow-shawled Tunisians plucked at the strained strings of monstrous lutes, while grinning negroes beat monotonously upon copper drums, and, crouching upon upon scarlet mats, slim turbaned Indians blew through long pipes of reed or brass, and charmed, or feigned to charm, great hooded snakes and horrible horned adders.  The harsh intervals and shrill discords of barbaric music stirred him at times when Schubert’s grace, and Chopin’s beautiful sorrows, and the mighty harmonies of Beethoven himself, fell unheeded on his ear.  He collected together from all parts of the world the strangest instruments that could be found, either in the tombs of dead nations or among the few savage tribes that have survived contact with Western civilizations, and loved to touch and try them.  He had the mysterious juruparis of the Rio Negro Indians, that women are not allowed to look at, and that even youths may not see till they have been subjected to fasting and scourging, and the earthen jars of the Peruvians that have the shrill cries of birds, and flutes of human bones such as Alfonso de Ovalle heard in Chili, and the sonorous green jaspers that are found near Cuzco and give forth a note of singular sweetness.  He had painted gourds filled with pebbles that rattled when they were shaken; the long clarin of the Mexicans, into which the performer does not blow but through which he inhales the air; the harsh ture of the Amazon tribes, that is sounded by the sentinels who sit all day long in high trees, and can be heard, it is said, at a distance of three leagues; the teponaztli, that has two vibrating tongues of wood, and is beaten with sticks that are smeared with an elastic gum obtained from the milky juice of plants; the yotl-bells of the Aztecs, that are hung in clusters like grapes; and a huge cylindrical drum, covered with the skins of great serpents, like the one that Bernal Diaz saw when he went with Cortes into the Mexican temple, and of whose doleful sound he has left us so vivid a description.  The fantastic character of these instruments fascinating him, and he felt a curious delight in the thought that Art, like Nature, has her monsters, things of bestial shape and with hideous voices.  Yet, after some time, he wearied of them, and would sit in his box at the Opera, either alone or with Lord Henry, listening to rapt pleasure to Tannhauser, and seeing in the prelude to that great work of art a presentation of the tragedy of his own soul.”

This reminds me of the scene in I Heart Huckabees when that Spanish woman is singing a song about the drought that ravaged her community.  Or about the time seven years ago when I wanted to ask a friend of a friend if her boyfriend, who was a Hare Krishna, could hold a be-in at our apartment.  Now that friend of a friend is dead of a heroin overdose.  Ain’t life absurd?

Postscript: Is it just me, or was Oscar Wilde crushing up pages of A Rebours and snorting them while writing The Picture of Dorian Gray?

This Was the Aesthetic!

October 21, 2015

Guys, remember when I had my psychic dream?  THIS is what we were wearing.

Groovy.

Groovy.

DO I EVER

August 31, 2015

KM: As you too know, it’s not super easy to get someone on a commune to respond to your email in a timely fashion.

Equations

August 26, 2015

Queen of Earth + Persona + the Slender Man Trials + proxies/doppelgangers + STIMing + triangles + Elena Ferrante + The Shining + the trailer (and only for the trailer!) for The Holy Mountain + Philip Roth + Rapid Eye Movement Therapy = Epic Thinkpiece

As I Was Saying…

July 21, 2015

So right, I’ve been gone, and you’ve been positively starved of witticisms, non-governmental conspiracy theories, and pictures of young Brooke Shields smoking cigarettes.

Seriously, what was WITH this girl's mother?

Seriously, what was WITH this girl’s mother?

While I was away, I read four––count ’em!––books, none of which I was too crazy about, to be honest.  One of them was Vivian Gornick’s The Odd Woman and the City.   I haven’t read any reviews of the book yet, but I’m going out on a limb and guessing that my distaste for it is not exactly the majority opinion.  As you all know, I suffer from micrographia, a handwriting affliction that generally points to a neurotic personality.  It is the telltale sign of serial killers, depressives, and Nazi-esque obsessives.  Yay!  Gornick, it seems, has this same affliction, but she, while indeed being neurotic, is also unbearably smug, and so I’m left wondering… does this mean I’m doomed, neurotic AND smug?  What the…

“It was a cold, clear morning in March.  Having just finished interviewing a city official for a piece I was writing, I was sitting at the counter of a coffee shop across the street from City Hall, drinking coffee, eating a bagel, and writing down remembered snatches of the conversation I’d just had when a man sat down one stool away from me.  He wore dark pants and a tweed jacket, looked to be in his fifties, and I took him to be a middle-rank civil servant.  When I had finished eating, drinking, and writing, I stood up, and as I was gathering myself together, he said to me, ‘I hope you won’t mind, I haven’t been able to read a word you’re writing, but I’d like to tell you some things I know about you from your handwriting.’  Startled, I said, ‘Sure, go ahead.’  I took a better look at him then and saw that he wore a large Native American turquoise-and-silver ring and a string tie.  He leaned toward me and said slowly but intently, ‘You’re generous.  That is, you are inclined to be generous, but circumstances don’t allow you to be.  So you’re often not.  You’re assertive.  And a bit aggressive.  And that small script… you’re very literate, very intelligent.’  I stared at him for a fraction of a second. ‘Thanks,’ I said.  ‘That’s a fine flattering portrait you’ve drawn.’  He looked relieved that I wasn’t somehow offended.  Then I said, ‘Is my handwriting really so small?’  He nodded and said yes, it was, and small handwriting, he repeated, is the mark of the very intelligent.  Of course, he added (very softly), there are people who have much smaller handwriting, and they… ‘Are the mad or the brilliant,’ I said, finishing his sentence for him.  ‘Yes,’ he said, again softly, ‘they’re often very brilliant.’  I stood there, looking steadily, perhaps even gravely at him.  He smiled and said, ‘Oh, don’t worry, my handwriting is twice as large as yours.’  I did burst out laughing then, but the remark kept crawling around under my skin for the whole rest of the day.”

Oh right, I forgot: also aggressive, and possibly insane.

What’s in a Name?

June 22, 2015

The story of a small portion of my life is included in a book that is scheduled to come out in the next year or so (I think.)  When I wrote it, I used my real name, with the understanding that the editor would replace it with a pseudonym later on.  So when I got the chapter back for proof, I saw that my name was… Frances.  Frances!  I was on the one hand a bit disturbed, because to me Frances sounds dowdy, but on the other hand enormously flattered, because I thought immediately of course of the way-ahead-of-her-time Frances Farmer, and who doesn’t want to be compared with a woman who wrote an essay at age seventeen titled “God Dies?”  I mean, honestly.  So maybe rather than dowdy, the editor envisioned me as a moody beauty?  Below are a few other cool ladies named Frances, the first one named after the aforementioned cool lady named Frances.

Frances Bean Cobain

Frances of Rome, Italian Saint and mystic (again, just. like. me.) who wanted to be a nun at eleven but whose parents forced her to marry at twelve.  She had a good marriage, founded a religious order, and turned her home into a hospital during a time of war, among other good deeds.

a whole bunch of duchesses and countesses

Frances “Scotty” Fitzgerald, only child of F. Scott and Zelda, poor thing

Frances Hodgson Burnett, author of The Secret Garden, which was  porn for smart little girls like me

Frances “Franny” Glass (J. D. Salinger character)

Frances “Baby” Housman (“Nobody puts Baby in the corner!”)

There are a few more who look like they’d be worth mentioning, but I’m on a train while writing this and getting a little naush.

Cruelty

June 12, 2015

This is something I’ve been meaning to ask about for a while.  While in London, fiance and I went to see the Old Masters at the Courtauld Gallery, and I noticed the below portrait, which the info card said was of Anna Reitmor, a Dutch (I think) noblewoman.

Anna.

Anna.

The info card also said that there was another half of this portrait, so to speak, which was of her husband, Peter.  Curiously, the National Gallery entry for the work doesn’t say that it is for certain Peter (it might be another male member of the Froschl family) but I’m convinced solely based on background.  And so that begs the question: Shouldn’t the Courtauld and/or the National Gallery have hired a researcher to determine whether or not these two had a happy marriage?  And if they did, shouldn’t every effort have been made to keep their likenesses together?

Would You Order This?

June 8, 2015

From a menu on Delivery.com.  In case you can’t see, the description is: “Too difficult to put into words but highly recommended.”

Well, if it's HIGHLY recommended...

Well, if it’s HIGHLY recommended…

Twenty-First Century Anxiety Dream

May 8, 2015

The other night I had a dream that my iPhone screen cracked in a million places, and I was super upset about it, and I realized (mid-dream) that it might be the modern equivalent of dental problem dreams?

A Project That Almost Certainly Wouldn’t Be Worth It

April 29, 2015

So you guys know I’m moving to England, right?  It’s true––beginning early May, Itinerant Daughter will be… well, really fucking itinerant for a quite a while.  Oh, backing up: that’s because I’m traveling a bit before moving, to, among other places, Charleston, Ohio, Los Angeles, Rhode Island, Italy, and then the big move happens in mid-August.  So I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with my books––not surprisingly, I have about four thousand of them––and am wondering if now is the time to make good on that idea I had, which was to bar myself from buying new books until I had read all the ones in my library I haven’t read.  I probably won’t make good on this idea because whenever I think about it, I immediately frown and consider all the books that I have that I legit don’t want to read (my fiance’s legal books––do my fiance’s books count?––as well as The Flamethrowers, because my interest just waned over time, Clarice Lispector’s An Apple in the Dark, Tolstoy’s The Kingdom of God is Within You, Henry James’s Daisy Miller, My Lunches With Orson and countless reference texts––do those count?) as well as those I should want to read but don’t (The Magus by John Fowles, Last Last Chance by Fiona Maazel, The Russian Debutante’s Handbook, Rosie Schaap’s Drinking With Men, Anthropology of an American Girl, which I almost immediately regretted buying as if I foresaw this very issue.)  Then I think about all the books I’ve read pieces of––select essays in an anthology, maybe, or a few stories by Vladimir Nabokov and Kafka out of their collections, and very occasionally books I began but didn’t warm to, like John Gregory Dunne’s Vegas––and whether I would have to read the entire text over again or parse out which sections I had read and which ones I hadn’t.  And then finally, I consider the fact that this would probably take me any number of days and result in a piece that I could sell only to The Paris Review and be paid $200 for, which if you calculated it out would mean I had made something like ten cents an hour.  So I guess I’ve decided not to do it.

If I had time (which I don’t, because I’m actually making headway on some books so GOSH leave me alone) I’d write an essay called “The Fascinating Religious Themes in the Bruce Jenner Interview.”  Did anyone else notice how many times they used the word “soul?”