Archive for the ‘I Hate Writing’ Category

WHATEVER WEDNESDAYS PART A MILLION

August 15, 2012

For my PhD application:

“And here religion comes to the rescue and takes our fate into her hands.  There is a state of mind, known to religious men, but to no others, in which the will to assert ourselves and hold our own has been displaced by a willingness to close our mouths and be as nothing in the floods and waterspouts of God.  In this state of mind, what we most dreaded has become the habitation of our safety, and the hour of our moral death has turned into our spiritual birthday.  The time for tension in our soul is over, and that of happy relaxation, of calm deep breathing, of an eternal present, with no discordant future to be anxious about, has arrived.  Fear is not held in abeyance as it is by mere morality, it is positively expunged and washed away.”

Thanks, WJ.  I do feel better now.

(Varieties of Religious Experience)

Terrible Tuesday

August 14, 2012

me:  i am being useless

Sent at 1:27 PM on Tuesday

LB:  by definition i am useless

MONEY

August 3, 2012

I am terrible with money.  Just straight up terrible.  When I was in college, it made sense, because I would do super irresponsible things like shop at Barney’s every week because I couldn’t possibly go without a pair of shoes that I just realized my life had always been incomplete without, or I’d go to dinner with friends and pay for it all on my “emergencies only” credit card and then have them give me their portion of the bill in cash money and then I’d go spend that cash on gum and magazines and sushi and dry cleaning.  Now, though, I don’t really understand exactly where my money goes, aside from bills and dinners out (a weakness)… okay, and dry cleaning, but seriously, I never buy myself clothes anymore, and that used to be my biggest expense bar none?  Also I pay for my own doctors usually, and that’s a tough number when you see a psychiatrist every so often.  Who knew it was so expensive to STOP taking medication?  Seems counterintuitive, but then again, it’s expensive when someone dies, too, so absence doesn’t always equal lack of cost.  Life!

In any case, today I finally heeded my boyfriend’s and other good friend’s (separate) call to look into a credit card and I went on the Capital One website and inquired about a credit card.  I ended up chatting with a “specialist” because I really just wanted to ask if they could give me the card um, right now?  But I sort of danced around the topic and never got an answer (I think the answer is no.)  I’ve pasted the conversation below because I’m still trying to figure out if this is a real person, and I’m wondering if people ever, for fun, go on to websites with live chat helpers (J. Crew has personal shoppers now I think?) and try to make them talk to dirty or ask them deep questions like, “Why are we here?” or the like.

So: Ryan: real or robot?

BEGIN

Hi there. Please hold for a moment. One of our specialists will be right with you.

Hi and welcome to Capital One live chat! One of our specialists will be right with you. Your chat may be monitored and recorded.

You are now chatting with Ryan.

you: Hello?

Ryan: Thank you for visiting Capital One’s website. My name is Ryan, what questions can I answer for you about our online credit card offers?

Ryan: Hello, how can I be of help today?

you: Well I’ve never had a credit card before, so I’m a little bit *dull* when it comes to the rules

you: first off.

Ryan: Just to clarify, is this is going to be your first credit card?

you: yes

you: i have a debit card

you: i pay rent

you: etc.

Ryan: Thank you for choosing Capital One for your first card of choice.

you: but i’ve never had a credit card only

you: Oh you are welcome.

Ryan: Have you already selected a card to apply online or would you like me to help in finding a right card for you now?

you: i found one

you: my main question is about the process

you: and if it is faster if i go to a bank branch

you: or if it takes the same amount of time regardless

Ryan: That’s great! Can I know the full name of the card that you are applying?

you: let me see

you: The website recommended platinum

Ryan: Okay.

Ryan: I understand that you are referring to the Capital One Platinum Credit Card listed under average credit, am I correct?

you: Yes

Ryan: Thank you for sharing! I can help you with your online application. The process only takes about 5-10 minutes to complete. Plus, if you apply online you’ll get a response in as little as 60 seconds. Is that okay?

you: Sure. So you’re saying there’s no advantage to doing the application at the physical bank?

Ryan: Just to let you know, you can apply for our credit cards over phone or online.

you: oh ok

you: cool

Ryan: Before you proceed to the application, I’d like to inform that you can enroll for Online Banking to manage your account online for free and you can also add an authorized user to your account. By enrolling yourself to Online Banking, you can view your account information, pay online, change the image on the card and get hands on many more services without having to wait for a customer service representative on the phone line.

Ryan: Let me provide you the link to apply for the card now online.

And that’s when I closed the chat box because he just gave me the link to the website where I initially found him, and my question wasn’t at all about the application process –– which was basically TYPE YOUR NAME HERE –– but rather about whether I can have money today.  Ryan, do you hear me?

So Maybe My Writing Career Is Going Better Than It Ever Has

August 2, 2012

… but, ever the pessimist, I realize I may have awkward moments like this to look forward to:

“[Holt’s] accounts of his visits with various intellectuals tend to provide comic relief as well. The Oxford physicist David Deutsch, for example, reminds Mr. Holt that he’d once reviewed one of Mr. Deutsch’s books negatively (‘arrogant in tone and marred by leaps of logic’) in The Wall Street Journal. He generously speaks with the groveling Mr. Holt regardless.”

~ from today’s NY Times article about Jim Holt’s Why Does the World Exist?

Lazy

July 31, 2012

No bones about it –– I’ve been lazy recently.  Luckily my job provides me with lots of free entertainment in the form of book proposals put together by crazy, egomaniacal, or genius people.  The below author is obviously a combination of the three.  (He’s a contributor to “over a dozen” Chicken Soup for the Soul books.)

*Note: I’m definitely breaking at least a moral code, if not a law, by posting this.  I’m too lazy to even apologize.

 

Dear Editor,

Rap/hip hop is one of the most misunderstood forms of music in the world. Some believe it doesn’t require any musical technique, theory or talent. Others find the lyrics offensive. But hip hop artists sing about life on the streets, in sometimes impoverished, problematic areas. Because rap comes largely from a culture that has a lot of problems, people tend to think that the music is the cause of these problems rather than an observation of them. Unfortunately, there are rap fans and reactionary journalists who still believe this as well.

That’s why the best age for children to learn about rap/hip hop music is when they’re young and able to form their own opinions. Meet Kurtis Croak, a hip hop frog who isn’t into throwing down gang signs or ganking another toad’s log. Kurtis and his friend, Master Toad, hope to tutor a young frog named Lil’ Wog in the true culture of hip hop. First, though, they must convince the other frogs in the bog that the music is both respectable and inspirational.

Kurtis Croak is a picture book that will find a place in the hearts of young children, and help them understand and appreciate the music of cultures other than their own.

Kurtis Croak

The Hip Hop Frog

Warning: This story bangs real hard.

 

Once there was a frog who lived in a bog,

his name was Kurtis Croak.

He wore a do-rag wrapped around his head

and his jeans were slung real low.

 

Kurtis had a rapper friend

known as Master Toad.

Fistfuls of bling hung on his neck,

‘cause that was how he rolled.

 

The two would chill for hours a day,

catching mayflies on a stump.

They’d discuss the old school rappers

Like Frogface, Sticky Tongue and M.C. Jump.

Of course I won’t include the whole rap here.  You’ll have to bribe me to get it!

 

PISSED, Part II

July 16, 2012

You know when you get really annoyed by certain things that you KNOW shouldn’t annoy you, but you can’t shake the feeling that you want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?  Here are my two gripes for the day:

1. So sometimes I look on Craigslist for jobs, and I’ll usually look under “writing jobs” and “writing gigs.”  Very frequently people post unpaid internships under the JOBS section, even though it just seems logical that something that is unpaid cannot, by virtue of it being not compensated, be a job.

2. Perez Hilton.  I know, I know: what in the name of Michael K. would be the point of getting pissed at Perez?  I have decided that as he has lost weight, he’s become a more superficial and less interesting blogger/person, probably.  I dislike intensely his lack of knowledge of basic psychology and his picking favorites among the Hollywood community and planting kissy emoticons on their pictures every time he posts about them.  (Interestingly enough, his favorites are my least favorites, including most notably Katy Perry.)

Re: the psychology issue, see the below post on Demi Moore:

Holy shiz!

We knew Demi Moore’s relationship with her three daughters was strained, but we didn’t know it was THIS bad!

As we previously reported, Demi’s daughters Rumer, Scout and Tallulah have pretty much cut off all contact with their mother after a series of fights.

Now, it sounds like the girls are thinking about cutting off their own mother even more — by getting a RESTRAINING order against her!

A source spilled:

“Demi has been calling them incessantly and emailing them, leaving them tearful messages and begging them to call her and the girls are sick of it. It is a really drastic measure and not something they are considering lightly but they just feel like they want some peace and quiet.”

Wow! Life is WAY too short for something so drastic, girls…!

However, it sounds like it’ll take a whole lot more than phone calls to slap their mom with a restraining order!

A legal expert stated:

“You can’t get a restraining order against your mom when she’s trying to call you. If that were the case, many, many more people would all be in court!”

As for Demi, it sounds like she isn’t taking the separation from her kids too well. Moore is said to be “absolutely devastated” and distraught over the whole situation.

We don’t blame her! We would be, too.

This is such an unfortunate circumstance all around.

While the legal expert has a good point, the fact remains that Perez is poo-pooing the girls’ attempts to distance themselves from their mom when it’s obvious as a can of whipped cream to the head that she’s all kinds of fucked up, and watching ONE episode of Intervention with Jeff VanVonderen would teach a person that sometimes the best thing you can do is cut off your addicted loved one.  Sheesh.

If I could, I would abandon (see the connection?) my job, sell my possessions, and travel the world spreading the JVV gospel, all the while wearing a t-shirt with this graphic on it.

PISSED

July 16, 2012

I feel shitty, but I think I have only myself to blame –– I compiled a list of quotes from the Haredi anti-Internet asifa pamphlet that were actually pretty legit, and my friend told me to submit it to Harper’s (after McSweeney’s rejected me –– again!) and I dragged my feet a little out of nervousness, and lo and behold!  They did it on their own.  But I think theirs was a straight quote, whereas mine are carefully selected, and will be the basis of an essay/maybe thesis?/maybe book: Useful Lessons to Be Learned From Religious Fanatics.

25 Quotes from the Asifa Pamphlet “Challenge of Our Times” That Make Semi-Legit Points

“Many people convince themselves that they need Internet access, but if they would honestly assess the reasons that they are connected to the internet, they would realize that they could get by without it.”

“But today, even the most innocent looking children, from the best families, may have access to the worst images imaginable.”

“In addition, a determined child (or adult) can figure out a way to work around a filter so that he (or she) can get to the inappropriate material, or he can stumble on the password for the filter and disable it.”

“Make no mistake about it: today’s challenge in many ways is the most difficult in history.  Certainly, if we don’t recognize the challenge for what it is and do something about it, it threatens to sweep us away like a tsunami.  Yes, that challenge is the Internet –– the easy connectivity we have to the world, including its worst influences.”

“The Internet has already wended its way into our daily lives, into our conscience, and it is no longer possible simply uproot it from our midst.”

“The Internet not only exposes things going on around the world, but also creates virtual realities that do not exist anywhere else.”

“When a parent sits down to supper with one hand holding the fork and the other his smartphone, from which he cannot unglue his eyes, that parent may be sitting with the family in a technical sense, but the children realize they are technology orphans.”

“The [Internet] encourages some to display their knowledge, others their sense of humor, and yet others their ability to mock authority.  The irreverent attitude is all-pervasive.  And since no one knows who you are, there is nothing to worry about, no one to be embarrassed of.”

“In a very literal sense, all of the vices humans have uncovered over the millennia are now attacking internet users daily, jumping out at them from the screen and in many cases going on to determine their personal lives.”

“The Internet nurtures irreverence.”

“The Internet gives every individual his or her say, and that is both its strength and its weakness.”

“On the Internet an accomplished scholar with years of experience can post an authoritative exposé on his area of expertise, only to have someone with not the slightest background in that subject reject the entire edifice with a single derisive comment.”

“The constantly changing text, the stream of images that flit by, the ever-present additional links beckoning to explore new horizons, and the constant stream of information floods the mind.”

“Although the Internet provides its users with a feeling of freedom, a sense of euphoria at having the world at his fingertips, it is no more than an illusion.”

“The rise of social networking, blogs, chat groups and even texting all threaten to destroy the traditional relationships that are still so vital to our societal wellbeing.  Family and friends are forgotten as people come to rely more and more on the companionship and approval of their virtual counterparts.”

“Bloggers develop split personalities, drifting through life like robots while their true emotions are bound to the ethereal friendships they have developed for their digitalized companions.  By filling our emotional ‘stomachs’ with the ‘junk food’ of Internet society, we are stunting our appetite for the healthy relationships our psyche truly crave.”

“The element of anonymity that the Internet allows people to bypass the natural, inborn shame they would normally feel when involved in inappropriate behavior.”

“The ‘instant’ mentality where everything has to be accomplished with dizzying speed can permeate our actions in multiple areas.  We lose our patience; our tempers get shorter.”

“Additionally, the medium of e-mail leaves the intended tone of the writer to the reader’s imagination.”

“One of the ubiquitous themes of the Internet is: You.”

“This means that instead of carrying out whatever task he is supposed to be doing, a typical worker will instead check his e-mail, send text messages, receive cell phone calls, send instant messages, check blogs, and ‘Google’ things.”

“Information shared on ‘social networks’ can be mistakenly viewed as private (‘only my Friends can see it’) or semi-private, but in reality just by being a part of these communities, we sacrifice a certain level of privacy.”

“Forgetting can be helpful: it helps us forgive people, it helps us deal with emotional pain and trauma, and it de-clutters our mind from useless details.  But the Internet has the potential to interfere with that process, bringing up old memories and not letting us move on from the past.”

“On the Internet, you are lulled into a sense of security by the illusion that no one can know who you are.  The truth is, your computer’s unique IP address is easily tracked by almost any website and anyone who knows a thing or two about computers.”

“The Internet may greatly facilitate real learning and research, but it doesn’t provide a short-cut to substitute for the process of learning in-depth.”

—-

Eat your heart out, Lewis Lapham.

Nemesis

July 10, 2012

I saw that this girl I hate (but secretly want to be, even though I know next to nothing about her) had a byline in the Times and it reopened the wound I incurred when she failed to respond to me re: a writing project some months ago.  Guess I shouldn’t have made a cum joke in my introduction email to The Paris Review?

In other news, I have somehow ended up with two copies of R. Kelly’s autobiography entitled Soula Coaster: The Story of Me.  

Me, Wishing I Were Nora Ephron

July 6, 2012

Articles Written Every Five Years With Different Titles But the Same Conclusions:

“Can Women Have It All?”
“Racism Still Exists in America!”

“Is This The Secret to Happiness?”
“Orthodox Jews Must Get Really Hot in All That Clothing”
“The  Marriage Seemed Perfect, But It Was All a Lie”

Where I Would Rather Be Right Now

June 20, 2012

The South of France