Archive for the ‘Not a Poet’ Category

Lao Tzu Was a Smug Motherfucker

November 26, 2013

I genuinely cannot remember if I posted this already, but when I search for “Tao” nothing comes up, so here goes: some quotes from that Zen text that proves assholes sleep better.

“I enjoy my serenity and people correct themselves.”

“Ruling a large country is like cooking a small fish.”

“Difficulty and ease bring about each other.”

“In handling affairs, ability is good.”

“While average people are clear and bright, I alone am obscure.”

“If you want to grab the world and run with it, I can see that you will not succeed.”

“You can finish your life without anxiety.”

“People certainly have been confused for a long time.”

“Only by being frugal can you recover quickly.”

“Since there are few who understand me, I am valued.”

 

 

 

Sometimes I Forget Who I Am

November 18, 2013

Wild Plum, by Jane Hirshfield

A gray squirrel tests each plum with his nose,

moving from one to another

until he feasts.

 

It is like watching the ego,

moving from story to story.

A man is proud of his strong brown teeth,

though all his children have died.

 

This tree the one he was given,

its small, sustaining fruit, some green, some yellow.

 

Pits drop to the ground,

a little moistness clings in the scorings.

 

The left-behind branches

winch themselves silently upward,

as if released from long sorrow.

Sunday Blues

August 19, 2013

When you’re like me and suffer from SBD (Sunday Blues Syndrome) usually the only thing that can possibly help is poetry.  For the past hour, I’ve been crying over THIS SHIT (OMG) but considering the whole Internet is fawning over this man, perhaps I ought to make people branch out a little.  Below is my good friend (and sometimes-subject) Matthue Roth’s poem, “The Other Universe of Paris Hilton.”  Cheer up, Charlie.

 

There’s an alternate universe

where Paris Hilton has her shit together

and I’m a drunken heiress.

I show up fashionably late

to her party, having already

knocked back a few

and knocked out her bartender.

The reason why escapes me

but it would have been a great story

if you were there.

And, in this case

“fashionably late” means 5 a.m.,

Too late for the last guests to appreciate me

but not too late

for them to catch shards of glass

from the falling crystal

I crash into

on their way out.

I’m shaking my head,

crying all over the ruins

of the party

tasting salty vodka tears.

“Dammit,” I sniffle

“it isn’t fair.

I fucked up again

kissed Prince’s girlfriend at the afterparty

had a drunken orgy

with Christina Ricci

and 2 former Spice Girls

traded one of my six Swiss

bank accounts for coke

and did it off the roof

of my Hum-V

clocking ninety

off the chest of this underage nymphet.”

Then I proceed to lurch

a souvenir of the evening

all over the Persian rug

that Paris worked

285 shifts at Wal-Mart

to pay for.

Luckily,

she doesn’t notice.

She’s by the medicine cabinet

with an ace bandage,

Neosporin,

and some orange juice.

“Don’t worry,”

she consoles me,

“in another world

you’re an Orthodox Jew.

You pray to G-d constantly

You never break anyone’s heart

Girls don’t only want you for your body

People call to confide in you

at six in the morning

and you never, ever

get laid.”

“So in this other universe,” I say,

“what are you?”

“Oh,” says Paris,

brushing away a tear,

“don’t concern yourself

with that.”

Found Text

May 28, 2013

It’s amazing what one will find while packing up to move!  I had the fortune of stumbling across a piece of a Time Warner Cable bill upon which my college bestie composed a number of haikus for me.  It’s at least five years old and the ink is barely readable, but I was able to draw on memory to reconstruct them.  Below is my favorite:

Meet my wife Tammy

She cleans the house and pops pills

More potatoes, dear?

So This Gives Me Freedom to Write a Snarky Cover Letter, Yes?

May 21, 2013

Hipsters Wanted

Publication or Company Pavone
Industry Advertising Agency
Benefits Dental, Health
Job Duration Full Time
Job Location Harrisburg, PA
Experience Level 5 years
Job Requirements We’re Pavone, a Central PA multi-channel branding firm, meaning we’re outside New York and DC so we don’t have Hipsters. All we have is an office with major clients, real opportunities and easy commutes.Hipsters with proven Dumbo experience preferred. Fixies and full sleeves a plus. Minimum two years’ mustache and/or bangs experience. Should be fluent in sarcasm and upper-middle-class terminology.

Truth be told, we already have mustaches and fixies and irony, but none of us are actual Hipsters. Then again, Hipsters never admit they’re Hipsters. Either way we need a few according to our new biz guy, who’s been leading us to lots of wins, so he’s getting what he wants apparently.

PM your link and salary reqs to @PavoneFood or jportzline@pavone.net

About Our Company Pavone is an integrated advertising agency specializing in food and beverage marketing. Pavone works with national and international clientele including StarKist, Turkey Hill Dairy, Campbell’s Soup Company, The Hershey Company, D.G. Yuengling & Son, Fulton Financial Corporation and Mount Nittany Medical Center.
 via Mediabistro.com

Precisement

May 14, 2013

Lacenaire’s Hand

Words of eloquence have been lost.

(Rene Char)

Insomnia

May 12, 2013

In kindergarten, my friends and I used to play a game with the globe in our classroom.  We would put our finger on it and spin it around really quickly, and wherever our finger landed when the globe stopped spinning was where we would live.  I did a similar thing, tonight, while having insomnia, and playing with my full-length e-text of The Bell Jar.

“From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.”

I was only allowed one paragraph.

RIP Taylor Mead

May 10, 2013

My colleague HW and I had only one epic night with Mr. Mead at the Bowery Poetry Club.  During the course of this evening, he threw pieces of paper with his poetry written on it into the audience, and then afterward told us about how many pills he took while his shaky hands lightly held a glass of whisky.  (We drank his floater after he left, holding the arm of his babysitter.)  We had always planned to go back and watch the Taylor Mead Show again, but we didn’t move fast enough, because Mead passed away yesterday.  While Googling him, I was surprised that so few of his poems are posted on the web.  Below is the transcription of “Thing & Dirty”… although it may not be totally accurate, because I based it on this audio recording, in which Mead sounds, well, like he’s done too much Vicodin.  (Also, NSFW!)

Rest in peace, little man.

A garden is a shithouse fooby (?)
A locker up your asshole, cutie

I love you, you prick ass baby

Shit on a ticket and knock her through your wicket

or kick it, yeah, babydoll

mother fuck cock, cock

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(Musical interlude)
I want to lick his ass

asshole

(Musical interlude)
I’ll suck his nipples

around his nipples

under his arms

down his middle around his stomach

his bellybutton

the hair below it to the great thing between his legs

(musical interlude)
On top of it, soft, around

down, a chasm between the mountains point, flesh

round, deep into my throat

down, slowly, too far away

gag

“Take it bitch”
“I can’t breathe!”
“Take it!  Swallow.”

Roll over on my stomach, the great thing dribbles down my back

(Musical interlude)
Gradually finds my buttocks and into them plunges

Slippery slip it

Gradually artistically lubricatingly

ecstatically slowly plunges into my hot whole lips

(musical interlude)
His hands surround my breasts

his lips and nape

his tongue licks thickly

my nape of neck

and hair

a charge suffuses me

(musical interlude)

throbbing

(musical interlude)
he grips tighter, warmer

his arm muscles flex out against the pressure

he puts on me

oh, and up, over

he throbs on me

for a time his arm slipped down around my middle

his buttocks working greatly

(musical interlude)
his hands on my cock and balls

(musical interlude)

up all over and squeeze

(musical interlude)
my stomach, my sides, ow!

(musical interlude)

still he goes

rolling around, down, away

we tie forever each other

oozingly, graciously, fleshly to eternity

(musical interlude)

Some Things

May 5, 2013

Just a couple of things I thought I ought to tell you today:

1. I had a nightmare that I was wearing pants in Borough Park and all the ladies were looking at me aghast.

2. I rode the bus next to a young man today who was telling someone on the phone about his friend who “runs an organic underwear washing business.”

3. I realize I missed a huge professional opportunity while reading The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.  “[This] text is a an exact transcription of twenty-three original manuscripts in the Sylvia Plath Collection at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts.”  Granted, I was probably too young when this operation was going on, but let it be known that if there are handwritten journals of other poets who committed suicide out there that need to be typed up, I’m your woman.

Lior

April 29, 2013

I watched the most heartwarming film a girl could ask to see on her birthday: Praying with Lior, a documentary about a young boy with Down Syndrome preparing for his bar mitzvah.  Lior Liebling davens with such joy and dedication that others in his synagogue––adult congregants––are often in awe of him.  But his father, who is a rabbi, wisely says at one point that he worries that others will project too much onto Lior.  “He’s not a rebbe, he’s just a kid.”  (Something to that effect.)  And while I don’t like the idea of equating disability or difference with spiritual elevation, I do think that in the case of Lior, his older brother (and “best friend”) was correct when he said, “If anyone is close to G-d, Lior is.”

Here is Lior’s confirmation speech, which he gave when he finished his formal Jewish education (some editing done):

“Shabbat Shalom, I am very happy to be here today.

“I am happy that I get to be confirmed. Being Jewish is important to me because that is the way I stay connected to God. Davening is the way I stay connected to God. As I said at my bar mitzvah, I love davening because I feel happy and excited. It makes a difference to pray because I feel different when I talk to God. When I do not talk to God I feel lonely. If I talk to God, I feel happy and I can enjoy myself. Sometimes I use words from the prayer book. Other times I use my own words. There are so many things to be grateful for. I am thankful for my family and for the things I have in my life.

“I enjoy the holidays because we get to celebrate and to sing a lot. I especially like Sukkoth because of eating in the sukkah and the celebration of Simhat Torah….

“This week is the parsha of bersheit. It is the parsha about the creation of the world. We learn that everyone is created in God’s image. That makes everybody equal — even if we have different beliefs. There are different religions. There are Jews, Christians Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus and others. Muslims, for example, celebrate Ramadan. Christians celebrate Christmas. Jews celebrate our own holidays. We can appreciate each other’s holidays. My family even went with Buddhists to celebrate the Dali Lama’s birthday when we were in India. We have different beliefs and religions, and we are all equal. We can all speak to God in different ways.

“Everybody is created in God’s image. Each person has different abilities and talents that we offer the world. We each have our own blessings that we bring to the community. I bring to Mishkan my love, drumming, enthusiasm for davening, talking to people and being friendly. I hope to bring these to Mishkan for many more years.”