As John Waters would say, I genuflect to Yulia Tymoshenko's tyrannical top braid. So Eastern European, so tight.
I hope she keeps her hair immaculate while imprisoned.
SZERETLEK, YT!
The Fiercest Heidi Braids I Ever Done Seen
October 11, 2011A Shameless Plea for a Job
October 10, 2011John Waters
c/o Atomic Books
1100 W. 36th Street
Baltimore, MD 21211
Dear Mr. Waters,
I am writing in reference to a short portion of your book ROLE MODELS, which begins, in my version, on page 29:
“I hate to think about it –– what will happen when Johnny Mathis and I die? Who will guard my humble tawdry belongings? Will Johnny have to worry about the posthumous exploitation of his signature songs? Will his estate deny the commercial use of his hits the way Johnny Cash’s did when Preparation H tried to license ‘Ring of Fire’ for a hemorrhoid commercial? Or will they exploit his publishing copyright the way Elvis’s heirs did when they allowed ‘Viva Las Vegas’ to be resung as ‘Viva Viagra’ for a TV commercial?”
I would like to volunteer to be the caretaker of your possessions after you have passed on. I have no doubt I will excel in this position, for reasons including but not limited to the following:
1. My favorite thing in the entire world is bathos. I am highly educated in the useless (literature, philosophy, etc.) but only appreciate these things when they are juxtaposed with something else, such as a tasteless cancer joke.
2. I am terribly nurturing and sensitive, and will treat your possessions like my poor, deformed little inbred infants, and be insistent that they go to good houses as opposed to hemorrhoid commercials (well, depends on how well written the commercial is –– that has the potential to be hilarious.)
3. As long as we’re talking about Catherine of Siena, I have two enormous calluses in the middle of each palm from a lifetime of digging my nails into my hands. Why? I suppose I was just born very serious about reverse dogma.
4. It’s not all doom and gloom though –– I have a sense of humor. I like to wear a baby alligator claw (I painted the “finger” nails bright red) as a brooch. My favorite accessory, however, is a tear drawn on my face in thin-tipped Sharpie. I’m about five foot nothing with blond hair and a chubby cherub face. People think it’s funny when I say I got the tear in Rikers, but I don’t see what’s so funny about my prison ordeals.
I look forward to hearing from you and setting up an interview, preferably one that will occur on East Baltimore Street.
Regards,
Itinerant Daughter
Happy Birthday, John Lennon!
October 10, 2011DAMMIT This was supposed to go up yesterday, but I got distracted by the beautiful weather and scampered out into the sun instead of focusing on BLOGGING! For shame.
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I wanted to post an excerpt of Lewis Lapham’s With the Beatles but unfortunately do not have enough time to do both, so here, on this holy day, is a tribute to and by the man (and his other half) many love oh so much:
Questionnaire Proust Filled in by Lennon and Ono at the Amsterdam Hilton
John’s answers are first, Yoko’s are second, though you can probably figure it out even without any direction…
Birthdate: 9/10/40, 6:30 PM Feb 18th, 1933, 8:20 PM
1. What is the utmost misery for you? Jealousy Jealousy
2. Where would you like to live? With Yoko With John
3. What is your idea of earthly happiness? Yoko John
4. What kind of faults do you sympathize with? Yoko’s and mine John’s and mine
5. Who are your favorite personalities in literature? Yoko John
6. Who is your favorite historical personality? Yoko John
7. Who are your favorite heroines in literature? Yoko John (!)
8. Who are you favorite heroines? Yoko John (!!)
9. Who is your favorite painter? Yoko John
10. Who is your favorite composer? Yoko and me John and me
11. What characteristics do you appreciate in a man? Yoko John
12. What characteristics do you appreciate in a woman? Yoko John (!)
13. What is your favorite virtue? Yoko John
14. What is your favorite occupation? Yoko John
15. What you have liked to be? Yoko John
16. What is your most important characteristic? Yoko John
17. What do you most appreciate in your girlfriend? Yoko to keep off John
18. What is your greatest fault? Yoko John
19. What is your dream of happiness? Yoko John
20. What would be your greatest disaster? No Yoko No John
21. What would you like to be? Yoko John
22. What is your favorite color? Yoko John
23. What is your favorite flower? Yoko John
24. What is your favorite bird? Yoko John
25. Who are your favorite authors? Yoko and me John
26. Who are your favorite poets? Yoko and me John and me
27. Who are your heroes in real life? Yoko John
28. Who are your heroines in history? Yoko John
29. What are your favorite names? Yoko John
30. What do you dislike most? No Yoko no John
31. Which historical personality do you detest most? Sam Smith Nobody
32. Which military event do you admire most? Sam Smith None
33. Which reform do you admire most? Yoko John
34. What natural gift would you like to possess? Yoko John
35. How would you like to die? With Yoko With John
36. What is your present state of mind? Yoko John
37. What is your motto? Yoko and John forever
Audition
October 6, 2011So in my dream last night, I was at a singing audition of sorts with a bunch of members of my family as well as some of the cast of Glee (which I don’t even watch) and a panel of judges and I kept debating (aloud and to myself) whether or not I should audition, and finally I agreed to do it, and I got up and sang “On My Own” from Les Miz (embarrassingly) and KILLED IT! I felt it was somehow the closure on all the unfinished business I had with memories of childhood auditions. So why don’t I feel more peaceful today?
An Art Piece
October 1, 2011My brother and stunningly genius collaborator, PS (aka Itinerant Son) and I will drag the bear from “Untitled (Lamp/Bear)” from Park Avenue down to the Gavin Brown Enterprise (620 Greenwich Avenue), dump it into “You,” douse it in lighter fluid, strike a match and dance and sing ecstatically as it burns.
Is It Weird That I’m Posting Pictures of Other People’s Children?
September 30, 2011
Secret Snow in Stella McCartney
Online Dating
September 30, 2011I love it when my friends online date. There is an endless opportunity for unfair judgment, impulsive excoriation of character, and ecstatic schadenfraude. Below is a profile my friend sent me of someone whose (I sincerely hope faux) enthusiasm makes me want to knee him in the balls and assure he never procreates and populates the world with perky babies who spend their free time “discovering Europe.” Obviously I’m using pseudonymic initials, and those aren’t the real names of his non-profits.
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“ASS is passionate, fun and always full of energy.” Hi, I’m ASS – driven, inspired, adventurous… I’m usually having fun, whether it’s business (I’d do my job for fun!), hanging out with friends and family, or traveling (biking, discovering europe, learning new cultures, etc). I like genuine people who are bright, passionate and care about making a difference.
For fun I’ll hang by the beach or water with friends, travel, bike, grab dinner with friends, relax on a boat, spend time with my family and my cute cousins, read, or do something creative. I’m blessed to be able to spend a lot of time with the best comedians and business people in the world, doing what I love.
Busy people get more done…
1. I’m a comedian performing in clubs in NYC and sometimes on TV.
2. I own a few startup companies and I run conferences that help doctors and charities serve people better. We pack hundreds of leaders into a theater and inspire them to make change (and take gobs of their money….hey, life is expensive).
3. For good karma and fun, I run two non-profit organizations (Self-Satisfying Services Ltd. and Ego-Enhancing Volunteers) with friends…mainly to make up for all our bad behavior. 😉
BUT….I never take myself too seriously. I spend a ton of time hanging out with friends, pride myself on being lazy, and having fun.
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I think my favorite part is when he talks about his ways to relax. “I hang out on a boat.” Um, fuck you?
Little Bite of Poetry
September 30, 2011“The Porpoise”
I kind of like the playful porpose,
A healthy mind in a healthy corpus.
He and his cousin, the playful dolphin,
Why they like swimmin like I like golfin.
~Ogden Nash
I’ve Hit the Motherload
September 30, 2011Rickywayne.
Holy Shit
September 28, 2011I just found an excellently trashy white girl name on Heavy (the schadenfraude marathon continues… maybe A&E will sense my addiction to their shows and send me to a lovely “facility” in Malibu?)… BRITNY! What kind of a trailer-park cousin-banging roadkill-eating name is that?
Itinerantdaughter's Blog 