Just Labs!

July 11, 2016

I don’t know why, but I feel like if you insert any word after “just” and then wrap it all up with an exclamation point, it’s funny.  I think maybe it comes from how in New York City, there’s a make-your-own-salad joint called Just Salad, which I think is the perfect combo of sad and funny (probably has something to do with the meme “Women Laughing Alone with Salad.”)  Anyway!  That listserv detailing grants and such for writers I subscribe to, featured the following listing last week.  I loved how they clarify that this is about your Labrador Retriever.  Because every lab has a story that DESERVES to be HEARD!

JUST LABS
An award-winning, nationally recognized magazine that covers all aspects of the life of the Labrador retriever – your Labrador retriever. Based on the phenomenally popular book of the same name, Just Labs looks at not just life with a pet or life with a dog… but life with a Lab.

סרט מפחיד

July 6, 2016

I’ve been envisioning, for a few months now, a horror film set in Bnei Brak or in Mea Shearim, in Jerusalem.  I suppose it’s because I am a horror buff and because I mused to a friend that I wanted to write my own scary movie, and she asked where it would take place.   I knew the setting had to be inherently eerie because I love the work the ambiance can do in film, particularly in horror.  Think: Polanski’s Dakota, Kubrick’s Overlook Hotel and surrounding Colorado mountains, Gore Verbinski’s Biblically rainy Seattle, David Robert Mitchell’s Detroit of an indeterminate era.  Don’t you think Bnei Brak at night would be terrifying?

APTOPIX MIDEAST ISRAEL INDIA SHOOTING REAX

Not the villains

.

Men crowding the streets for one thing or another, as haredim are wont to do––good premise for a scene!

selichos1

Casting call

I don’t know the plot yet, at all, except that I want it to center around a young boy, between eight and eleven years old, who is the only one who notices the uncanny events unfolding around him.  It can’t be anything reminiscent of a demonic possession, as that gets too close to dybbuk stuff, and in addition to being too simple for me, is the premise for Demon, which appears to be a nail-biter.  I am culturally literate but will definitely need a co-writer for this sucker.  How about Yehonatan Indursky?  He’s not busy, is he?

Oh!  And how I could I forget the decaying Danvers State in Session 9, my most favorite horror flick of all time?!

A Chat From the Vault

July 5, 2016

Sifting through my Gmail archives and came across this great Gchat from years ago, with my bro…

me: ok so
we just ate with my boss’s potential producer

IS: and how was it?

me: he brought along his friend and potential investor in his company

muammar al-gaddafi’s right hand man

!!!

i ate french fries off his plate!

IS: no!

qaddafi was just on cash cab

me: WHAT?!

IS: as a question! not IN the cash cab

the answer was “Libya”

Exhaustion

June 30, 2016

In light of Rita Ora’s terrifying ordeal culminating in her admission to the hospital, we at the National Center for the Awareness of Exhaustion have determined that the time is ripe to bring greater attention to this little known malady. Though it is often overshadowed by more serious ailments, exhaustion has been the worm at the core for a small but significant sector of our population for two entire decades.

What is “Exhaustion?” Exhaustion is a disease that might include the following as symptoms: sleepiness, nausea, dizziness, public passing out. In many patients, it presents as similar to a hangover. No one knows its exact cause, but symptoms are often preceded by periods of bad or no publicity. Researchers have also determined that attending concerts for multiple nights in a row or having an openly secret drug problem heightens one’s susceptibility to contracting exhaustion, though medical professionals are encouraged to not link the two, as that would amount to party-shaming the legitimately ill.

Exhaustion is most common among those who work in the entertainment industry and have incredibly generous health insurance policies. Within this group, white females are particularly at risk. Celebrity sufferers include Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, and token this-disease-does-not-discriminate sufferer Dave Chappelle. Exhaustion never affects the following: Hasidic mothers of ten, long distance truck drivers, introverts, or people suffering from diagnosed, medically-recognized terminal illnesses.

Treatment for exhaustion may include a brief hospital admission documented by numerous selfies; often, follow-up care is needed, and can be received at exorbitantly expensive rehab centers with ocean views and sushi chefs on-staff. In order to prevent a recurrence of the illness, the sufferer is urged to hire more hands-on representation who can scrub their hospital stay from celebrity gossip websites.

Jesus!

June 30, 2016

The Telegraph has a handy list of fifteen travel destinations with little threat of terrorism.  One of their suggestions is… North Korea.

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 14.24.15

Friends

June 29, 2016

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: British people are absolutely insane about Friends.  When we first moved here, I was cooking one day in our corporate apartment and I turned on the TV as background noise, hoping to find something mindless that I’d seen a million times before so I could tune in and back out at my leisure.  As there is no USA Network here, sadly there was no SVU, but there was Friends on Comedy Central.  “It’s Friends Week!” an announcer joyfully exclaimed at the commercial break.  How lucky was I!  Hours of exactly the kind of no-attention-required TV I was after.  Hooray!

Two weeks later, we moved from our corporate apartment to our real apartment, and I sought out the same kind of televisual soundtrack to accompany my unpacking.  There, again, on Comedy Central, was Friends.  I looked at the guide––it was Friends as far as the eye could see (well, straight on through until six or seven PM.)  I was confused––surely a week had passed?  I counted the days on my fingers, confirmed it had, then shrugged, and left it on.  Nearly a year later, I’ve learned that if you turn on Comedy Central at virtually any time of day, you will find Friends.  Put another way: every week in the United Kingdom (eek, that stings to say right now) is Friends week.  The nation’s fervor for the show gets more intense, too, in late August, when a roving tour of sorts called FriendsFest begins.  Last year, the festival featured a recreation of Monica and Rachel’s apartment, where visitors could get their pictures taken.  This year, they’ve one-upped themselves: sets from the series will be erected in stately homes like Blenheim Palace, and there will also be table tennis and something ominously called “Smelly Cat Karaoke.”  Last year tickets sold out in thirteen minutes; this year, my guess is Britons will need even more escape, so passes will fly off shelves even faster.
In my experience, New Yorkers tend to prefer Seinfeld, because Friends presents a too-easy view of life in NYC for natives to really stomach (the gorgeous apartment inhabited by a waitress and a chef who never seem to be at work, for example.)  So I wondered if perhaps Londoners loved it for that exact same reason: it was a picture of a happy, idealized New York.  I asked a friend why people in England were so obsessed, and she gave me a blase reply: “We just love it.”  I’ve read the articles on why millennials are improbably smitten, including Adam Sternbergh’s lengthy one in New York Magazine.  Sternbergh chalks it up to a kind of nostalgia for a simpler time the youth of today never knew (no Facebook, no student debt, etc.)  But his view is limited to Americans experiencing a very American-centric nostalgia, as is evidenced by his description of it.  “The show that feels, in its way, as iconic a relic of the 1990s as do Nirvana, Pulp Fiction, and a two-term Clinton presidency that the Onion later cheekily described as ‘our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity’?”  So what do the Brits get out of it?

 

 

Did You Write Your Memoirs by Hand?

June 28, 2016

Apparently I saved a draft of a post with this title three months ago.  Maybe it was about Amish memoirist Marlene Miller?  Or maybe about something else?  I hope the latter, because I’m having fun imagining what that something else could have been…

Brexit Cometh

June 22, 2016

I really felt like there was a lack of Brokeback Mountain-inspired Brexit memes so I enlisted a friend to create one.  The luck of being close to people who are trying to improve their Photoshop skills

unnamed

Vocab

June 19, 2016

Isn’t it fun to get used books and see what the previous owners wrote in them?  This morning I finished Caroline Blackwood’s The Stepdaughter, which I have been wanting to read for ages (but found a little disappointing.)    A former owner underlined single words, perhaps ones he or she wanted to look up, throughout the text, which together comprise a very macabre description of Caroline Blackwood’s personality and her fiction.  Here goes:

psychotic

incomprehensible

discotheques

pariah

apt

abominable

lolls

sadistic

neurotic

inertia

matronly

ominous

magnanimous

foisting

blight

churlish

lobotomized

schizoid

invariably

fatuously

fanciful

unhinged

nymphomaniac

unprepossessing

recriminations

furtively

shiftiness

ludicrous

petard [pretty sure this is a typo and was supposed to be “retard”]

insoluble

vicarious

beleaguered

odious

dilettante

despondently

odious

fatuous

timorous

solicitude

histrionic

Also, sort of strange––this book was the property of St. Mary’s Library, and was taken out four times in 1978, and then not again until 1992.  And then once after that in 1999.  On my birthday!  What do these numbers mean?

Am I Alone or…

June 16, 2016

have catpchas really jumped the shark?

Screen Shot 2015-02-06 at 5.56.07 PM