“I don’t care. As long as it gets me out of the restaurant business, I don’t care.”
Overheard in SoHo
April 26, 2013Hangover Island
April 24, 2013While searching my new favorite website to find a good spot for my commune to relocate to, I came across this darling little isle in –– where else? –– Florida!
Looks like a nasty swamp.
Name:Hangover Island
Region:Florida, United States
Location:30 minutes from Ocala
Development:Non-developed
Title:Freehold
Type:Private Island
Price:USD 300,000 convert
Status:For Sale
Size:40.00 Acres / 16.19 HA
ABOUT HANGOVER ISLAND
Come play where the Indians played, on your own 40 acre island with an Indian Mound over 8 feet in elevation. Find artifacts on your oyster shell beach like arrowheads, pottery, etc.
It is approximately one half mile to electricity on Pasco Island. Hangover Island is centrally located between the Crystal River and the Homosassa River on the beautiful Saint Martins River.
Crystal River is home of the world’s largest Manatee sanctuary; all the local waterways have manatee. They migrate right past Hangover Island. The wildlife and fish populations abound, that’s why they call this The Nature Coast of Florida.
The St. Martins River has a marked channel – it is approximately 2 miles to the Gulf of Mexico and one mile to the town of Ozello. The quaint waterfront town of Ozello is located approximately 30 minutes to Ocala, 1 hour from Tampa, 2 hours from Orlando (Disneyworld).
Excellent inshore and offshore fishing and sightseeing.
The owner is motivated to sell and will also consider a trade for a mountain property in the Eastern US.
*Luckily for the owner I have a mountain property in the Eastern US I’ve been meaning to offload.
Lies
April 23, 2013ID: i pussy out of everything
i’m a fucking coward
LB: me too
do you think that’s a taurus trait?
ID: hm good question
and i always always lie to save my own ass
LB: i’m exactly the same way
ID: i’ve always done that
when i was a kid
i would just lie over and over again to get out of something
LB: i once told my teacher that i had a mentally handicapped older sister to get out of something
so then i had to start going to the guidance counselor because they knew that was a lie.
but i’m so stubborn that i stuck with it.
ID: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh my g-d
that is the funniest thing i’ve ever heard in my life
LB: what kind of 7 year old makes shit up like that?
ID: i have no idea
LB: i also wanted an older sister so badly that i thought the most plausible way to make people think i had one without ever having met her was that she was handicapped.
it seemed totally logical at the time
Hello?!
April 22, 2013Has no one on the Internet yet made the connection that both the dude who taught his frat how to talk to Jewish ladies (Potential topic: “How terrible it was that you couldn’t eat bread during Passover (note: this is a week long holiday) last week”) AND the now infamous angry sorority girl (“Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES”) both attend the University of Maryland?
Question one: what’s in the water down there?
Question two: why hasn’t someone made a simcha for these two yet?
UPDATE: shidduch. Duh. #ashamedofmyself
Journaling
April 22, 2013Last night on my plane back from the midwest (don’t want to be more specific lest the man start following me) I was sitting next to a very pretty, very sweet-smelling young lady who was writing in her journal. Of course I snuck a glance. The entry opened with the following: “Smoke weed. Whoever said not to? They’re mistaken.”
Happy belated 4/20.
Tiny Houses
April 18, 2013I am deep in the apartment search right now and I came across this darling little old house that I was about to pounce on:
In the middle of our street.
But then I realized that it’s essentially under the BQE (that’s a highway, for the uninitiated.) For a moment there I thought maybe it could be the beginnings of a comedy, a la Woody Allen living beneath the Cyclone in Annie Hall, but that would be totally derivative. Ah well––back to the grind!
Drinking with Gary Shteyngart
April 16, 2013From an interview with Modern Drunkard magazine:
MDM: Back in the old days, that’s how it was. All the writers and journalists were drunks.
GS: Don’t get me started. It’s so hard to be a writer these days. It’s so antiseptic. We’re this sterilized profession, we all know our Amazon.com rankings to the nearest digit. There’s a few people that still keep the tradition going in Brooklyn. It’s a big problem these days. Journalists might drink more than writers.
MDM: They have a hard time admitting it though. At least in print.
GS: True. There are so few people to drink with. The literary community is not backing me up here. I’m all alone. There’s a couple of guys who are strong, but that’s it. It’s so pathetic when I think about my ancestors. Give them a bottle of shampoo and they have a party. And here I am with the best booze available.
—
Dear Gary Shteyngart,
I will get drunk with you.
Love,
ID
Welcome to the World
April 15, 2013“It’s like this. I have been appointed judge in the penal colony. In spite of my youth. Because I assisted former commandant in all punishment-related issues, and also I have the best understanding of the machine. My basis for deciding is this: guilt is always beyond doubt.” ~guess
Thoughts on Ghostwriting
April 14, 2013Re: Craigslist posting that reads:
“~Need someone to help me write a love letter~~
I am not a very talented writer and I need some assistance in writing a love letter to my ex. If you are interested and feel that you could help send a reply.
Compensation: yes”
HS-D: Oh, wow. I always want to do things like this–same with working for those places who help people write online dating profiles–but then I always worry about the implications of someone else taking credit for that writing. Not because I want the credit, but because good writing is so attractive, and I feel like it’d be awful to think that the guy you were into was a great writer and then later find out that it wasn’t his writing after all. A complicated issue.
ID: I know, right? As an extension of this idea, what if you wrote a really beautiful letter, and it resulted in the couple getting back together, but they were a terrible match for one another and lived a miserable life together, acrimoniously divorcing in middle-aged and forever scarring their children and creating a legacy of domestic unhappiness?
HS-D: Exactly! On the one hand it doesn’t seem fair to penalize people for poor writing skills, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s almost never a good idea to help people pretend to be something they’re not.
ID: It’s so intimate, too –– a love letter. I’d have a much easier time ghostwriting hate mail.
HS-D: Oh, definitely. I have a vague idea that love differs a fair amount from person to person, whereas hate is just hate.
ID: But on the other hand –– “compensation: yes.”
Movie Idea
April 13, 2013Twenty-something with a bevy of psychiatric problems gets a service monkey (they exist) who teaches her to be happy. Maybe they fall in love. It’s like Max Mon Amour for the hipster set.
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