As I can’t possibly offer more to the outpouring of sadness following PSH’s death, let me instead allow the divine staff over at Vinnie’s Pizza do the talking for me.
Rest in pizza.
Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category
Vinnie’s Says It Best
February 4, 2014New Guru
January 30, 2014I knew it would happen. Maybe that’s why I put it off so long? Because I wasn’t quite emotionally ready for such utter devotion, and I was sure this particular pundit would immediately win me over and I would want to make myself in her image? (Well, intellectually, more than aesthetically.) And sure enough, the moment arrived: I started to read Fran Lebowitz, and I’m utterly smitten. Here’s just a nibble from an essay entitled “Manners”:
“All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive––you are leaking.”
The Mirror Stage
January 20, 2014For the eight-millionth time, I had to look up Lacan’s “Mirror Stage” today to ensure I had the correct definition of it for a piece I’m working on. It’s one of a couple of things I never trust myself to remember correctly. (This list includes the meaning of the world “tautology,” and the theology of apostolic Christianity.) For the record, the mirror stage it seems was actually conceived of by a French psychologist named Henri Wallon, who wrote that “children started to react to their mirror image at the age of four months. By the end of the tenth month he claimed that children actually located a part of their self in their mirror image and that they then imagined that their own body was split into fragments. The child now fell under an inner compulsion, so the argument ran, to unify its ego in space and in order to do this is was forced gradually to subordinate the data of immediate experience to pure representation. The ordeal of the mirror eventually led, according to Wallon, to the child’s entry into the symbolic stage of development.” (Explanation courtesy the dead cultural historian Richard Webster.) Simpler version: baby sees image, baby realizes image is HIM, baby starts to control limbs and understand space and physicality.
That isn’t the point of this little post, though. The real point is to draw attention to how hilarious the graphic Wikipedia chose to accompany its article on the mirror stage is.
Highbrow, lowbrow, folks.
If you don’t get why this is funny, we can’t be friends.
A Tweet
January 14, 2014I like to watch reality shows about cults and then judge the cults for being so “media-friendly.”
While I Search for What I Really Want to Post…
January 13, 2014… coincidentally, there’s a segment on the very phenomenon described in The Mind of a Mnemonist: A Little Book About a Vast Memory, on CNN right this second!
This is how S., the mnemonist of the title, sees a “zhuk” [Russian for cockroach.]
“… A zhuk––that’s a dented piece in the potty… It’s a piece of rye bread… And in the evening when you turn on the light, that’s also a zhuk, for the entire room isn’t lit up, just a small area, while everything else remains dark––a zhuk. Warts are also a zhuk… Now I see them sitting before a mirror. There’s noise, laughter. There are my eyes staring at me from the mirror––dark––they’re also a zhuk… Now I’m lying in my crib… I hear a shout, noise, threats. Then someone’s boiling something in the enamel teakettle. It’s my grandmother making coffee. First she drops something red into the kettle, then takes it out––a zhuk. A piece of coal––that’s also a zhuk… I see them lighting candles on the Sabbath. A candle is burning in the holder, but some of the tallow hasn’t melted yet. The wick flickers and goes out. Then everything turns black. I’m scared, I cry––this is also a zhuk… And when people are sloppy pouring tea, and the drops miss the pot and land on the plates, that’s also a zhuk.”
My Out Of Office
January 7, 2014Hi! I regret to inform you that I am unable to respond to a vast majority of emails during the year 2014 as I am developing a secular version of consecrated ermeticism and then immediately inducting myself into the order. Thanks! xx ID
Whaddya think, too much?
This Is Part of My Job
December 27, 2013I am a cultural critic. It’s probably the most obnoxious job title a person can have––what gives ME the right to critique society? Nothing, really, other than that I have a decent vocabulary, I’m pretty curmudgeonly, and I elbowed my way into getting paid simply for stating my opinions and developing my own theories. That, and I’m usually right.
To my budding cultural critics out there: watch the below video of a young girl wowing the audience during an episode of Holland’s Got Talent, and write me a short email answering the following two questions.
1. What is wrong with this video? (Focus on the part after she starts singing.)
2. What larger flaw in our culture (being Western, intellectual, consumerist, etc. etc.––if you’re reading this, you’re probably in it) does this video’s flaw indicate?
Extra credit: How can we prevent this girl from going by way of Susan Boyle? (I myself have no idea. I’m just genuinely curious.)
Good luck, pundits.
Serious Question
December 16, 2013Remember when lip-synching on stage automatically sparked controversy? Now, it’s more or less expected.
The Next Bestseller
December 2, 2013In the tradition of No Carbon Footprint guy and every other pointless test of will documented in a book, the Gimmicks & Stretches Publishing Company is proud to announce the release of PAWING AT LIFE: MY YEAR WITHOUT HANDS. A minor onion chopping accident gets Lillian McWordsmith thinking, “What would life be like if I just didn’t use my hands?” With that premise-–and no thought of a future book deal whatsoever, seriously––McWordsmith decides to to spend one year with hands inside giant thumbless oven mitts, which render them useless. Her hilarious stories––from sexual escapades gone wrong to feeling slighted at the phrase “five finger discount” and more––are compiled in this life-affirming and thought-provoking text, which is based on the blog she maintained with the help of a disability monkey and voice-activated software. If you’ve ever wondered if you suffered from body integrity identity disorder or just like a rollicking good time, this is the book for you! Dedicated to A. J. Jacobs.
Lao Tzu Was a Smug Motherfucker
November 26, 2013I genuinely cannot remember if I posted this already, but when I search for “Tao” nothing comes up, so here goes: some quotes from that Zen text that proves assholes sleep better.
“I enjoy my serenity and people correct themselves.”
“Ruling a large country is like cooking a small fish.”
“Difficulty and ease bring about each other.”
“In handling affairs, ability is good.”
“While average people are clear and bright, I alone am obscure.”
“If you want to grab the world and run with it, I can see that you will not succeed.”
“You can finish your life without anxiety.”
“People certainly have been confused for a long time.”
“Only by being frugal can you recover quickly.”
“Since there are few who understand me, I am valued.”
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