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Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category

Presented With Minimal Comment

September 4, 2012

I’m pretty sick right now, and just slogged through a three day novel contest (and yes, wrote a novel –– more accurately, a novella –– in just three days!) so I’m not really in a place to be educating or writing or operating heavy machinery, metaphysical or otherwise, so here’s a little video clip of the first part of the episode of This Is Your Life featuring Frances Farmer. If you don’t know who Frances Farmer is, please review the following:

1. Any nutshell biography of Frances so you get the foundation

2. Frances’ award-winning essay, written when she was just 17, titled “God Dies” (published both on this blog and elsewhere)

3. The film Frances starring Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard in a role which is enormously grating (he still looks good, though)

4. The song “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle” by Nirvana

Then watch the below, and report back to me. (Still searching for the show Frances did –– post-lobotomy? –– called “Frances Farmer Presents,” but YouTube doesn’t seem to have it. Paley Center, here I come!)

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, Image Craving, Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down | Leave a Comment »

Okay, Let’s Try This One More Time

August 30, 2012

You guys,

I thought we already had this discussion. Of course, I’m referring to this, from People.com:

LeAnn Rimes is seeking help to address emotional issues.

“LeAnn has voluntarily entered a 30 day in-patient treatment facility to cope with anxiety and stress,” her rep Marcel Pariseau tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement.

“While there will be speculation regarding her treatment, she is simply there to learn and develop coping mechanisms. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Rimes – who checked in on Wednesday, the day after her 30th birthday – tells PEOPLE she hopes to emerge from treatment with better tools to deal with the life she’ll be returning to.

So this time around, let’s be really, really clear: stress isn’t a psychiatric issue. It’s even LESS of a diagnosis than “exhaustion.” There is no treatment for stress, and there certainly is no diagnostic code for fucking “stressed.” Imagine if someone tried to check in to a facility for “stress” –– how exactly would a health insurance provider react to THAT, if they have as much trouble with the “normal” diagnoses that they do? Of course, all of this is not to mention the pretty bad but still TOTALLY UNAVOIDABLE point that Leann Rimes probably doesn’t do her own laundry, cook her own food (too easy!), clean her own house or even pay her own bills, so what is she rehab-admission-worthy stressed about?

I really wish celebrities would stop doing these kinds of things. They’re either a) denying their serious problems or b) trying to dramatize their really un-serious problems, and both are offensive to the general public at large, mostly notably me.

So, in conclusion, Leann Rimes and ESPECIALLY Marcel Pariseau for being worthless: Fuck yourselves.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, It Could Be Worse... | Leave a Comment »

The Twice-Born Blues

August 27, 2012

File Under: There are two kinds of people in this world…

“The last lecture was a painful one, dealing as it did with evil as a pervasive element of the world we live in. at the close of it we were brought into full view of the contrast between the two ways of looking at life which are characteristic respectively of what we called the healthy-minded, who need to be born only once, and of the sick souls, who must be twice-born in order to be happy. The result is two different conceptions of the universe of our experience. In the religion of the once-born the world is a sort of rectilinear or one-storied affair, whose accounts are kept in one denomination, whose parts have just the values which naturally they appear to have, and of which a simple algebraic sum of pluses and minuses will give the total worth. Happiness and religious peace consist in living on the plus side of the account. In the religion of the twice-born, on the other hand, the world is a double-storied mystery. Peace cannot be reached by the simple addition of pluses and elimination of minuses from life. Natural good is not simply insufficient in amount and transient, there lurks a falsity in its very being. Cancelled as it all is by death if not by earlier enemies, it gives no final balance, and can never be the thing intended for our lasting worship. It keeps us from our real good, rather; and renunciation and despair of it are our first step in the direction of the truth. There are two lives, the natural and the spiritual, and we must lose the one before we can participate in the other.”

— Henry James, Varieties of Religious Experience (henceforth to be known as VORE)

PS It would be funny to do a Cosmo-style quiz that answered the question as to whether one was once or twice born, the supportive, twee-toned summary of one’s personality and all!

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, The sun has gone to bed. | Leave a Comment »

Two Problems

August 25, 2012

Doing research for my novel (big time oy) and…

1. For some reason the Old Jews Telling Jokes website won’t open for me.

2. I don’t know whether technically repeating a joke one has heard or read is plagiarism or not. Like, for example, if I wrote the following within dialogue:

“What’s black and white and read all over?”

“A newspaper!”

Would that be plagiarizing?

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing | Leave a Comment »

Harper’s Index!

August 22, 2012

Oh, Harper’s Index! Why do you confuse me so? After being bombarded with your many statistics, I somehow never know what to do –– should I be depressed, or angry, or submissive, or amused? Are you trying to compel me to action in some way, and if so, what sort of action shall I take? What kind of conspiracies are you alluding to when you parallel a statistic about the estimated portion of Colombian cocaine revenue that is laundered through banks in First World countries (9/10) and one about the ratio of the number of genes in microorganisms inhabiting the human nostril to the number in the human genome (168:1)? Are you trying to tell me to do cocaine, or to feel bad about being white and a helpless bourgeoisie, or to use a neti-pot? Is it wrong to want to respond to each of these statistics, which in the end sound hollow and pointless, by retorting, “Yeah, well, 86.4% of statistics are made up”? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL, HARPER’S?

Some examples of frustration this week:

1. [Amount] at which the average college-educated woman’s [salary maxes out] at age thirty-nine: $60,000

Damages awarded in June to an Oregon woman who contracted herpes from a man she met through online dating: $900,000

This seems to be telling me that it would be more lucrative for me, as a lady, to get an STD from a stranger than to just, like, work and be normal.

2. Average number of eggs a bedbug will lay after feeding on “clean” human blood: 44

After feeding on blood with an alcohol content of 0.10: 12

I think you’re telling me… to be drunk, always, lest I risk the wrath of the dread bed bug.

3. Percentage of US households that are headed by millionaires: 4.3

Of Swiss households: 17.1

Duh. Moving on…

4. Chances a Republican believes today that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction at the time of the 2003 invasion: 2 in 3

Amount paid at auction in June for one of Annie Oakley’s guns: $143,400

We care too much about guns?

5. Number of plastic spoons Northern Ireland stockpiled as part of a recently declassified plan to prepare for nuclear war: 58,292

I… really have no idea what to do with this information. Maybe… nothing?

6. Minimum gigabyes of data stored in a typical gram of human feces: 10,000,000

And we’re done here.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, Lists | 2 Comments »

Rhetorical (I Hope) Question

August 20, 2012

Should I feel bad about the fact that I’m a “writer” and yet very often use a Thesaurus?

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WHATEVER WEDNESDAYS PART A MILLION

August 15, 2012

For my PhD application:

“And here religion comes to the rescue and takes our fate into her hands. There is a state of mind, known to religious men, but to no others, in which the will to assert ourselves and hold our own has been displaced by a willingness to close our mouths and be as nothing in the floods and waterspouts of God. In this state of mind, what we most dreaded has become the habitation of our safety, and the hour of our moral death has turned into our spiritual birthday. The time for tension in our soul is over, and that of happy relaxation, of calm deep breathing, of an eternal present, with no discordant future to be anxious about, has arrived. Fear is not held in abeyance as it is by mere morality, it is positively expunged and washed away.”

Thanks, WJ. I do feel better now.

(Varieties of Religious Experience)

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing, The sun has gone to bed. | Leave a Comment »

MONEY

August 3, 2012

I am terrible with money. Just straight up terrible. When I was in college, it made sense, because I would do super irresponsible things like shop at Barney’s every week because I couldn’t possibly go without a pair of shoes that I just realized my life had always been incomplete without, or I’d go to dinner with friends and pay for it all on my “emergencies only” credit card and then have them give me their portion of the bill in cash money and then I’d go spend that cash on gum and magazines and sushi and dry cleaning. Now, though, I don’t really understand exactly where my money goes, aside from bills and dinners out (a weakness)… okay, and dry cleaning, but seriously, I never buy myself clothes anymore, and that used to be my biggest expense bar none? Also I pay for my own doctors usually, and that’s a tough number when you see a psychiatrist every so often. Who knew it was so expensive to STOP taking medication? Seems counterintuitive, but then again, it’s expensive when someone dies, too, so absence doesn’t always equal lack of cost. Life!

In any case, today I finally heeded my boyfriend’s and other good friend’s (separate) call to look into a credit card and I went on the Capital One website and inquired about a credit card. I ended up chatting with a “specialist” because I really just wanted to ask if they could give me the card um, right now? But I sort of danced around the topic and never got an answer (I think the answer is no.) I’ve pasted the conversation below because I’m still trying to figure out if this is a real person, and I’m wondering if people ever, for fun, go on to websites with live chat helpers (J. Crew has personal shoppers now I think?) and try to make them talk to dirty or ask them deep questions like, “Why are we here?” or the like.

So: Ryan: real or robot?

BEGIN

Hi there. Please hold for a moment. One of our specialists will be right with you.

Hi and welcome to Capital One live chat! One of our specialists will be right with you. Your chat may be monitored and recorded.

You are now chatting with Ryan.

you: Hello?

Ryan: Thank you for visiting Capital One’s website. My name is Ryan, what questions can I answer for you about our online credit card offers?

Ryan: Hello, how can I be of help today?

you: Well I’ve never had a credit card before, so I’m a little bit *dull* when it comes to the rules

you: first off.

Ryan: Just to clarify, is this is going to be your first credit card?

you: yes

you: i have a debit card

you: i pay rent

you: etc.

Ryan: Thank you for choosing Capital One for your first card of choice.

you: but i’ve never had a credit card only

you: Oh you are welcome.

Ryan: Have you already selected a card to apply online or would you like me to help in finding a right card for you now?

you: i found one

you: my main question is about the process

you: and if it is faster if i go to a bank branch

you: or if it takes the same amount of time regardless

Ryan: That’s great! Can I know the full name of the card that you are applying?

you: let me see

you: The website recommended platinum

Ryan: Okay.

Ryan: I understand that you are referring to the Capital One Platinum Credit Card listed under average credit, am I correct?

you: Yes

Ryan: Thank you for sharing! I can help you with your online application. The process only takes about 5-10 minutes to complete. Plus, if you apply online you’ll get a response in as little as 60 seconds. Is that okay?

you: Sure. So you’re saying there’s no advantage to doing the application at the physical bank?

Ryan: Just to let you know, you can apply for our credit cards over phone or online.

you: oh ok

you: cool

Ryan: Before you proceed to the application, I’d like to inform that you can enroll for Online Banking to manage your account online for free and you can also add an authorized user to your account. By enrolling yourself to Online Banking, you can view your account information, pay online, change the image on the card and get hands on many more services without having to wait for a customer service representative on the phone line.

Ryan: Let me provide you the link to apply for the card now online.

And that’s when I closed the chat box because he just gave me the link to the website where I initially found him, and my question wasn’t at all about the application process –– which was basically TYPE YOUR NAME HERE –– but rather about whether I can have money today. Ryan, do you hear me?

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, I Hate Writing | Leave a Comment »

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

July 24, 2012

TERROR!

I was walking through SoHo early this morning, still kind of fuzzy from sleep, and I looked into the window of the Louis Vuitton store and YAYOI KUSAMA WAS FUCKING STANDING THERE STARING AT ME!

Of course then I realized it was a statue, but still, for a second, I thought I had met my demise, and it was in the shape of a short, plump little Japanese wacko.

Tonight I will not sleep well.

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Fashion Blogging for Toddlers, Image Craving, SORRY TO TELL YOU A DREAM | Leave a Comment »

Me, Wishing I Were Eddie Pepitone

July 24, 2012

1. Launch Kickstarter fund to help me raise money buy frum clothing so I can blend in in Borough Park

2. Write essay on origins of pedophilia using Lolita and Soula Coaster: The Diary of Me by R. Kelly as example texts

3. Get friend to explain to me why the charity event for the National Eating Disorders Association is a walk-a-thon rather than a conserve-energy-and-eat-a-sensible-snack-a-thon

Posted in Conspiracy Theories, Lists | Leave a Comment »

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