Archive for the ‘I Hate Writing’ Category

ID Does the Headlines!

December 3, 2015

Hello everyone!  It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: when ID solves in one word the problems think-piece writers have labored over for hours for probably $100 a pop.  I know what you’re thinking: “ID, things are complicated!  Life is full of gray areas!  Sometimes issues require 1200 words eked from the pen of a beleaguered aspiring journalist!”  But now listen to me: no.  No, they don’t.  Understand?

Let’s begin!

New York Times Magazine: What Is It About Adele?
Answer: She has a good voice

The Memo: Quitting Facebook Boosts Happiness and Stops Loneliness: Should We Cut Free From Social Media?
Answer: Yes.

Slate: Should We Trust Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan to Donate Their Money Wisely?
Answer: Yes.

The Guardian: Is Ironing a Thing of the Past?
Answer: No.

Vogue.com: Are We Addicted to Stories About Internet Addiction?
Answer: “Addicted?”  No.

Refinery29: Can Paper Magazine’s New Paris Hilton Cover Break the Internet?
Answer: No.

The Atlantic: Why Are There So Many Data Centers in Iowa?
Subtitle: “Networks, land, power, and taxes.”
Answer: So, uh, yeah, you answered your own question.  Thanks for saving me some time.

 

 

 

A Visit to the Foundling Museum

November 26, 2015

Some of you know that I am obsessed with handwriting.  I am the acting President of the Graphophiles’ Association of Her Majesty’s Kingdom and Current and Former Colonies (my friend and erstwhile editor HS-D is the VP; we’re currently accepting applications for membership) and also the first writer to be represented by Handwriting for Hire, an agency service that provides distinctive handwriting for use in films, for cards, etc.  In addition to liking my own handwriting, I very much enjoy deciphering the writing of others.  Remember this book I have?  Well, the woman who edited it had to figure out how to read each letter writer’s strange scrawl.  I don’t remember where I learned that, but after I did, I immediately her and asked her how she got such a plum gig.  Sadly, no response.

Well, two weeks ago or so, my friend LH and I decided to visit the Foundling Museum, which is housed in the old Foundling Hospital in Bloomsbury.  We were interested in seeing the museum itself (did you know that on Sundays, average London residents could observe the orphans eating their lunch in silence?!) but mostly in checking out an exhibit called “The Fallen Woman,” on unwed Victorian mothers who applied to have their babies sent to the Hospital.  The exhibition included, along with a number of fantastic prints of women throwing themselves off bridges, a few of the original applications made by said women, and it occurred to me that someone probably would have had to do that same job for this project.  Why am I never around when these little jobs are being offered?!  If you need your great-great-grandmother’s love letters to her lesbian mistress transcribed, by all means, reach out.

Dear Eleanor Catton

November 19, 2015

Last year, Eleanor Catton announced that she would set up a grant that would pay to let writers read.  Unfortunately, you’re only eligible for this grant if you live in New Zealand.  Not to lean on a colonialist crutch, but I live in Great Britain now, and we have the same queen, so am I eligible?  I actually am going to go so far as to say nobody in the entire world would make better use of this time and money than I would.  According to the website, applicants don’t need to fill out a form, but rather just “contact the grant administrators via email and explain who they are, what they would like to read, and why.”  So here’s my application: I’m working on a book about religious conversion, right?  So I started to read some Tolstoy.  I thought, “I should read A Confession, and then move on my merry little way.”  Three months later, and I’ve set up shop at the British Library with a stack of Tolstoy-related tomes next to me, including but not limited to J. C. Kenworthy’s A Pilgrimage to Tolstoy and a history of the Tolstoyan movement in Britain by Charlotte Allston.  And this is only for one chapter of the project––imagine all the books I’ll need to write about, among other things, Karaite Judaism, Mirabehn, Jerusalem Syndrome, the digital caliphate, “inter-generational religious perpetuity,” the philo-Semitic yearnings of confessional poets, hipsid-ism, scientific studies based on the theories of William James, and so on.  I JUST DON’T HAVE THESE KINDS OF FUNDS, ELEANOR!

Dear Julia

November 16, 2015

I think I might have seen you before, but we only really met on Friday night.  Your mom was visiting, and you two got gently bullied into staying for shabbat dinner at the house where my husband and I were dining.  I disliked you for a second for being stereotypically French––tall, cool, casually beautiful––and perhaps you disliked me, too, for being any number of negative things I am.  My opinion changed quickly, as it became clear you are very sweet.  We played with the host’s kids, ate some really tender beef and chatted about the differences between Brits, Americans, and French people.  You said in France, there is no such thing as casual dating; we told you in America, all dating is casual.  You made a joke about being French and not drinking, and how all the golden boys at the financial institution where you work were always getting plastered; we took shots of vodka.  We were in that lovely shabbat bubble in which no one checks his or her phone, so we had no idea that back in your city, chaos was ensuing.  It probably started right as we finished singing grace after meals.  The next morning, when we learned what happened, I felt instantly sad that I didn’t know how to reach you.  I wanted to say I was so sorry, that I hoped everyone you loved was safe, that I wanted to help if you needed it.  But I don’t even know your last name.  I used to think it was gross to invoke the name of a tragedy that isn’t yours afterward, that it was more about bringing yourself closer to the blue heat of the flame than comforting anyone else.  Finding the most distant of acquaintances and checking up on them, re-tweeting pictures of the victims in memoriam, crying for the dead you don’t know.  Now I am older and kinder, and I know that people are good, really, and they just have to do something when their hearts are broken, even if that something seems like not so much at all.

Terrible Game Tuesday

November 10, 2015

Time for a new game: of these portraits of Victorian ladies, which ones were taken on psych wards and which ones are just, well, your average Victorian lady?

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unknownlady18

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(I could have kept going for ages, for the record.)

Email Siobhan for the answers!

PPS

October 27, 2015

Okay, so apparently that Against Nature comparison is like, so obvious it’s embarrassing that I even mentioned it.  #dorkproblems

60%

October 27, 2015

You know when nothing in your life is going right, and so you feel justified in lying around and feeling sorry for yourself, maybe eating ice cream and drinking beer before noon?  (I once saw a guy in Vienna order that for breakfast, and I was in complete awe of him.)  Well, sometimes I think that might be better than when things in your life are going decently––like, it’s 60% cool––so you have no real reason to complain, but also nothing spectacular or even mildly weird is going on, so you’re a little… bored, maybe?  And you know it’s good––better to be bored than putting out fires left and right––but you can’t help but want to shake things up a little?  Maybe by accepting an invite to smoke opium and head on over to a world music fest at the apartment of dark, deranged Dorian Gray.

“At another time he devoted himself entirely to music, and in a long latticed room, with a vermilion-and-gold ceiling and walls of olive-green lacquer, he used to give curious concerts, in which mad gypsies tore wild music from little zithers, or grave yellow-shawled Tunisians plucked at the strained strings of monstrous lutes, while grinning negroes beat monotonously upon copper drums, and, crouching upon upon scarlet mats, slim turbaned Indians blew through long pipes of reed or brass, and charmed, or feigned to charm, great hooded snakes and horrible horned adders.  The harsh intervals and shrill discords of barbaric music stirred him at times when Schubert’s grace, and Chopin’s beautiful sorrows, and the mighty harmonies of Beethoven himself, fell unheeded on his ear.  He collected together from all parts of the world the strangest instruments that could be found, either in the tombs of dead nations or among the few savage tribes that have survived contact with Western civilizations, and loved to touch and try them.  He had the mysterious juruparis of the Rio Negro Indians, that women are not allowed to look at, and that even youths may not see till they have been subjected to fasting and scourging, and the earthen jars of the Peruvians that have the shrill cries of birds, and flutes of human bones such as Alfonso de Ovalle heard in Chili, and the sonorous green jaspers that are found near Cuzco and give forth a note of singular sweetness.  He had painted gourds filled with pebbles that rattled when they were shaken; the long clarin of the Mexicans, into which the performer does not blow but through which he inhales the air; the harsh ture of the Amazon tribes, that is sounded by the sentinels who sit all day long in high trees, and can be heard, it is said, at a distance of three leagues; the teponaztli, that has two vibrating tongues of wood, and is beaten with sticks that are smeared with an elastic gum obtained from the milky juice of plants; the yotl-bells of the Aztecs, that are hung in clusters like grapes; and a huge cylindrical drum, covered with the skins of great serpents, like the one that Bernal Diaz saw when he went with Cortes into the Mexican temple, and of whose doleful sound he has left us so vivid a description.  The fantastic character of these instruments fascinating him, and he felt a curious delight in the thought that Art, like Nature, has her monsters, things of bestial shape and with hideous voices.  Yet, after some time, he wearied of them, and would sit in his box at the Opera, either alone or with Lord Henry, listening to rapt pleasure to Tannhauser, and seeing in the prelude to that great work of art a presentation of the tragedy of his own soul.”

This reminds me of the scene in I Heart Huckabees when that Spanish woman is singing a song about the drought that ravaged her community.  Or about the time seven years ago when I wanted to ask a friend of a friend if her boyfriend, who was a Hare Krishna, could hold a be-in at our apartment.  Now that friend of a friend is dead of a heroin overdose.  Ain’t life absurd?

Postscript: Is it just me, or was Oscar Wilde crushing up pages of A Rebours and snorting them while writing The Picture of Dorian Gray?

Lend Me Your Personal Life!

October 7, 2015

Believe it or not, this has actually worked for me once before.  If you happen to fit any of the following descriptions, please get in touch with me (via Siobhan) so I can pepper you with invasive questions about your experiences and use you as a subject in an article!  Every person’s dream!

1. You’re a convert to Catholicism considering becoming a nun.  You live, in order of preference, in: England, Scotland, Ireland, the United States, or Australia (only if I’m desperate will I consider Pacifica.)  Ideally you’re between the ages of eighteen and thirty, and college educated, but the latter is not at all important.  Like, I’d rather you live in England than be a uni graduate.

2. You run a small art gallery out of your living room.  You live in Paris or London (no preference between the two.)

3. You work for immigration dealing specifically with partner or fiance(e) visas in the United Kingdom.  Second preference: same, but in Canada, or in the United States.  Also feel free to get in touch if: you’re a lawyer who deals with said visas, or you’ve applied for said visas before.

4. You once tried to become Amish.

5. You’re an expert on the biology of attraction.

6. You are a historian of the circus arts, a teacher of circus arts, or someone who tightrope walks to decompress at the end of the day.  Preferably, you live in the greater London area.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

DO I EVER

August 31, 2015

KM: As you too know, it’s not super easy to get someone on a commune to respond to your email in a timely fashion.

WHO WROTE IT?

August 27, 2015

“At the time we were all convinced that we had to speak, write, and publish as quickly as possible and as much as possible and that this was necessary for the good of mankind. Thousands of us published and wrote in an effort to teach others, all the while disclaiming and abusing one another. Without taking note of the fact that we knew nothing, that we did not know the answer to the simplest question of life, the question of what is right and what is wrong, we all went on talking without listening to one another. At times we would indulge and praise each other on the condition that we be indulged and praised in return; at other times we would irritate and shout at each other exactly as in a madhouse.”

A. Andrew Sullivan

B. Leo Tolstoy

C. Me

D. Emily Gould

E. Virginia Woolf