White trash like to give their kids names that sound phonetically normal but have completely wackadoodle spelling, or alternatively, they like the names for feelings or virtues (but not in a Puritan way.) A great source for white trash names is (duhhh!) the television show Intervention.
Examples:
Darick
Jimbo
Kennith
Makenzie
Tylee
Lilyan
Joie
Tamela
Rene
Tammi
Chantal
Madyson
Dillon
Tyanne
Kaylee
Dixie
BreeAnn
Trace
Dakota
KC
Nik
Olyvia
Kaitlyn
Aiden
Hauna
In case you guys didn’t get a chance to grab a copy of this month’s The Watchtower: Announcing Jehovah’s Kingdom, here’s an excerpt from an article entitled “Taxes: Must You Pay Them?”
Benefits from Following the Bible’s Teaching
You can gain several benefits by following the Bible’s teaching regarding the paying of taxes. You will avoid the punishment for lawbreakers as well as the fear of being caught. (Romans 13:3-5) More important, you will keep a clean conscience before God and honor him by your law-abiding conduct. Even though you may experience some financial loss compared with those who withhold payment or even cheat on their taxes, you can rely on God’s promise to care for his loyal servants. The Bible writer David put it this way: “A young man I used to be, I have also grown old, and yet I have not seen anyone righteous left entirely, nor his offspring looking for bread.” –– Psalm 37:25.
Finally, understanding and following the Bible’s command to pay taxes will give you peace of mind. God does not hold you responsible for all governmental actions supported by your taxes, just as the law does not hold you responsible for what your landlord does with the rent you pay. Before learning Bible truth, a man named Stelvio sought political change for years in southern Europe. Explaining why he abandoned his efforts, he said: ” I had to admit that man is unable to bring justice, peace, and brotherhood into the world. Only God’s Kingdom can truly bring about a different and better society.”
Like Stelvio, if you loyally “pay back God’s things to God” you too can enjoy that assurance. You will see the time when God brings righteous rule to the earth, undoing the damage and injustice brought by human rulership.
——
Hm. Well… hm. A few questions:
1. This Stelvio character… where did he come from? In what country and years did he live? All readers need context.
2. By paying taxes, you support the government, which the Witnesses accept. But… isn’t the very definition of government “human rulership of the world”?
3. An overall analysis of your magazine and doctrine: sheesh, you guys are BOH-RING. I thought cults were filled with baby orgies and mass suicides and LSD as paths to enlightenment. All you people do is hand out magazines and shun birthdays. What gives, Witnesses?
So I look on Craigslist for freelance gigs. A lot. People should pay me a lot to do things I like to do, but they don’t, so I have to contemplate gigs like babysitting a teenager post-psychiatric hospitalization and modeling for painters (neither one of which I’ve gotten a response from yet. Fuckers.) Anyway, I found this hilarious advertisement for a salesperson at an adult video store out on Staten Island:
WE ARE HIRING
I was told to hire new employees. Usually they take applications till they are blue in the face, talk to the people for a little while, throw them on a shift or two to see if they can handle it and hire someone.
Well, that is basically what I’m going to be doing, but, I really don’t want to hire some drone who just thinks they are superior because they work in a freakn’ adult shop. They don’t get to know the products, and think it is cake work. Sure, being a body IS cake, but I don’t want another body.
Do not apply if you don’t have a car.
Do not apply if you have another job.
Do not apply if you can’t tell your parents/boyfriend/girlfriend/etc
Do not apply if you’re in school.
The hours are set at 9am-6pm…6pm-3am
We’ve tried to work around these things before, and it doesn’t work.
You must be happy to approach everyone of all ages, genders and sexual preferences, we are looking for natural born sellers (it is a job after-all), a team player, someone who comes in on time. The same things Macy’s looks for… except you must have an edge, some product knowledge, something we can work with…because we don’t sell sweaters here. We need you to hit the floor running. We need that cool confidence.
I bet you’re nodding your head saying “THAT IS ME!”, then reply to this posting for more info.
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Sadly, I am shaking my head no and furrowing my brow in a half grossed-out, half pitying way.
Sometimes technology is wack, but sometimes, like when you are haunted by a Lifetime flick you saw when you were a kid, specifically the scene in which Valerie Bertinelli fondles a piece of raw meat, it’s immensely gratifying.
Oh, and PS –– you’re welcome.
I’m beginning to compile a list of the best quotes from Intervention (the second Intervention-based list I have in progress these days which… says a lot… about my life, and my hobbies) and I have to stop and admire the insane white trashy logic of this statement:
“Now there’s foster homes out there and I don’t want the baby in a foster home. We want the best for the baby, and if it takes us keeping it to keep the best for it, then that’s what I want.”
Grandpa, on why he doesn’t want his meth addict granddaughter’s baby put in foster care
So I saw a headline on a newspaper this morning (forget which one, maybe the Post but I don’t think so) that read
WOMAN IN “RAPE COP” CASE SAYS ACQUITTAL “BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES”
And my first thought was, “Too soon?”
My irreverence knows no bounds, and that, sometimes, is pretty fucking bad. I believe this is what they call in Alcoholics Anonymous “a moment of clarity.”
My friend Lady B sent me this hilarious email she received from from her aunt, who divorced her uncle a while ago and has now found a new path in Native American spirituality. (She is not, fyi, a Native American.)
P sent you a message.
——————–
hey Lady B it has been a very long time since I have seen you and your parents…quess I didn’t realize when i had to divorce Steven I end up losing 3 great people. You are all grown up… I heard you can speak several languages including sanskrit…way to go !
i don’t know where you are at spiritually( not religion) in your life…but I have been following the native path for a very long time and it has evolved to I guess you can say to the origin where religion came about.
My first vision I had was in 1996 and pretty much i have been evolving since. I have been following this path of awaking since and it has been very challenging. Hardest part right now is being away from L. We talk each day..but miss hugging her… But we both know she and I and others have a greater task that involves the earth and all that inhabit it in the next year and half.
Guess I am putting out there for you for spirit has a reason for me to contact you after all these years…. I have a feeling you are experiencing things that you may or not understand…. Is your ears been ringing unusual? Seeing sequential numbers like 11:11… Not matter what let me how you are doing.. say hi to Mom and Dad for me.. Many blessings to you and your family P
Phone # …live in North Dakota now near my husband’s reservation.
When Charles Shepard, the Charlotte Observer reporter who blew the whistle on Jim Bakker and Praise the Lord Industries, gets Tammy Faye to sign copies of the tell-all book about the scandal ’cause he thinks it would be “a hoot” to give it away at his graduate school auction.
When I used to work for a literary agent, I would get sometimes query letters from people writing books about how the government tried to steal their brains, etc. I would often wonder if I should call Adult Protective Services in their respective neighborhoods to have someone check in on them, but refrained. Now at my current job, I’ve gotten an inquiry similarly insane from a former hometown of mine. Here goes:
Dear xxxx,
Please consider my proposal. I hope it will fit the need of your publishing house.
Self help it’s what I have done to save my son who was near to kill himself when a jealous family member spells a curse to him.
With a PhD in psychology and psychoanalysis, I wasn’t trained to fight curses and Satan. I learn a lot and our life change forever. It’s my duty to share my successful happy end story “Challenging Satan” to help so many people who struggle for a peaceful life and will be interested to know what to do to take out a curse. I am a well-known author of books in France: new age and travel.
I always autographed my books and give my email address to stay in touch with the readers.
I give also conferences in Universities.
Doing promotion for thousand of artists for 40 years (I am owner of a museum); I love to work with the Medias.
I am finishing 3 others books: My ghost tells me, French Riviera and After Life Report, with pleasure since in America it’s no restriction about New Age.
Thank you in advance, for reading the synopsis with table of contents and to look over my proposal.
Found nailed to the bathroom door in one of my favorite bars in the whole wide world: possibly the worst poem ever written.
136.
Vast instep
of manifest destiny
as a vamp is played
moves forward
across the country
increasing readership
of an existential light.
Inveigled
vellum thrills
like a grasp of grapes,
constricted
by the totemic.
Come by tonight
before the harbinger
gets to us in an emprise,
then and there there is
no turning back
from the armistice.
—–
The writer signed it but I’ll spare her the embarrassment here…
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