Archive for the ‘Jesting, Infinitely’ Category

Comment Gems

November 1, 2016

A little while ago, I actually started to read The Comments.  Never for anything I write, ever, and admittedly sometimes I do it even if I know it will be an exercise in nurturing and then suppressing irritation, but a few times, the practice has yielded pretty awesome results.  Once, I found a nun who lives in a cemetery, once, a secret Shaker community, and now, an international conspiracy mastermind!

This genius commented on a New York Times article, which is about a mixologist who basically made up a provenance for a cocktail.  He claims to have… oh well, you’ll see:

Bill In The Desert La Quinta 16 hours ago

Dummy. You never reveal such a thing.

I created a myth and have seen it spread around the world. Sorry, but I will not reveal enough to identify it. However, it involved naming something. And, I tied it into the Latin version of an ancient myth. In the years since 1979, I have succeeded in getting it in print in academic publications as well as special interest magazines, newspapers and club newsletters. It is now buried in the archives of the Vatican library. Only six people are in on the whole hoax and I will never reveal the truth. I love it when it comes up in conversation and especially when a stranger has used the name and even cites the sources I planted.

Please tell me this is somehow related to the Jesus’s wife papyrus!

Cheeky!

October 29, 2016

One of the funniest things I saw in one of the many museums we visited in our time away: this cheeky butt-grabbing angel in Lucas van Leyden’s triptych “The Last Judgment.”

unknown

Lower left hand corner (your left)

tumblr_lli4cpxsnd1qggdq1

Close-up!

Time to Update Again

October 9, 2016

Do you remember that baby naming book from the eighties and nineties (they released updated editions because it was quite popular) called Beyond Jennifer and Jason? I was obsessed with it when I was a kid; whenever someone we knew was pregnant and they’d whip out that book, I’d get all excited. I don’t know, I just like names! Anyway, a few years ago I nabbed an old copy––I don’t remember how, either from a box of free books on the street or I stole it from someone––and I kept it around as a kind of funny gag and also if I needed help creating a pseudonym. The other day I idly took it off the shelf and was flipping through it, and then my husband saw it (what the fuck is this?!) and was looking through later, and came across a section called “Wimpy Names.” So already this is feeling embarrassingly Dated, because can you imagine an author including that in a name book now?  But it gets better. There’s a subsection of Wimpy Names that reads: “A wimpy name does not necessarily a wimpy boy make…. Maybe these guys become supermacho in reaction to their anemic names, or maybe they would have overdeveloped biceps even if their names were Brawley or Flint. Here, a list of famous tough guys with anything but tough names.” And it goes on to list Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvester Stallone, and, among others,… Bruce Jenner.

Funny Graffiti

September 25, 2016

I’ve been meaning to post this photo for a long time.  Inside of a phone booth, on the walk from my house to our synagogue, is written an ad for a prostitute I have no doubt is very popular.  Who is she?  SLIGHTLY SAUCY SARA.  Because for obvious reasons, we like our whores only slightly saucy.

img_20160908_222247234

Essays No One Would Publish

September 21, 2016

Again, only tried once, but it was enough of a burn that I didn’t take it further.  But I’m definitely amused at myself upon re-read.  One of our dining companions from then (this was written a few years ago) was worried it would be too snarky about the group––sorry, JW!

Reviews of Restaurants Run by Cults

We’re pleased to present our first episode in “Mouthwashed!,” a series of reviews of cult-run restaurants. This week, the Spiritually Adventurous Eater visits the Yellow Deli in Rutland, Vermont, run by a group known as the Twelve Tribes.

“Would you guys like a table?”
“Yes, for four.”
“That’s so nice!”

As the Spiritually Adventurous Eater, I am accustomed to establishments

with creepily friendly staff members, but the Yellow Deli in Rutland, Vermont, manages to exceed even my expectations. The host, a middle-aged bespectacled man with a ponytail, is so enthusiastic about our arrival I momentarily worry he might throw out his back. But instead he snaps up a couple of menus (“We serve the fruit of the spirit!”) and leads our party of four (future-Jew, Jew, recovering Catholic and atheist) through a maze of woven textiles and repurposed tree branches to our booth, shaded from the low light of the main room by a faux-roof like a hobbit hovel. As you’ll probably have noticed by now, the most bizarre and fascinating thing about this place is the décor. The only way I can think to sum it up is this: if the set designer of Willow had a love child with sixties activist group Another Mother for Peace, it would look like the inside of the Yellow Deli. No wait, another way: if Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre ate a plate of Margaret and Walter Keane paintings and then took a shit in a twee forest, it would look like the inside of the Yellow Deli. Wait, sorry, just one more: if David the Gnome was on acid at a Phil Lesh and Friends concert, his hallucinations would look like the inside of the Yellow Deli.

All this is somewhat unnerving to me, as a person with a natural threshold for kitsch, but I am comforted to see little unfamiliar about the menu. The Yellow Deli––one of eleven in the United States, Canada and Australia––features typical American cafe fare like sandwiches, salads, chili and a small selection of breakfast items. There are a few nods to hippie Vermont in the form of maté blends, “green drink,” and the fact that one sandwich is named the “Deli Rose,” but other than that, an unassuming patron would be hard-pressed to recognize how seriously the proprietors take their peace-and-love ethos. Hard-pressed, that is, unless they were to take a quick jaunt to the bathroom, wherein they could partake of a variety of free “literature” while they waited to use the facilities. The newspapers and pamphlets available outline––however vaguely––the beliefs of the Twelve Tribes, known in some areas as the “Yashuas,” who run the chain of Yellow Delis in addition to a handful of coffee shops, hostels, tanneries and organic food markets throughout the United States and the world. The Twelve Tribes began somewhat organically (no pun intended) in Chattanooga, Tennessee in the early seventies, one of a few individual attempts within the “Jesus Movement” to blend hippie culture with Protestant ideals. The group has a long history in the food industry; its original members gathered at a coffee shop called The Lighthouse, run out of the home of longtime church leaders Gene and Marsha Spriggs, before founding the first Yellow Deli. Though they have recently branched out into real estate development and construction, the Delis have all but financially sustained the Twelve Tribes, who consider all possessions and earnings communal, for almost forty years.

On my walk back to the table, I pass by the counter, and watch as uncharacteristically mean-looking women, dressed in palazzo pants and dowdy Amish-esque tops, slap together cold cuts and bread for sandwiches. Our happy waiter is at our table when I return, ready to take our order, a giant red flower on the end of his pen shaking as he hastens to write down our requests. No beer on tap, of course––Twelve Tribers don’t drink alcohol, and they follow certain Levitical dietary laws, like eschewing pork and shellfish––but you can get a frosty mug of root beer if you’ve a hankering. We order sandwiches and veggie burgers, which a young smiling woman brings over to us within fifteen minutes. The presentation is crunchy-snack-bar––sandwiches in woven baskets, accompanied by the requisite piles of Lays chips and a pickle.

“Oh yes, table ‘iron,’ this is yours,” she says. “Where are you guys from?”

“Brooklyn,” I respond.

“We have a farmer’s market there, in Brooklyn. We sell green drink.” She seems to think that I might know it, but I explain to her that Brooklyn is quite large, and there are many, many farmer’s markets there.

“But I’ll look out for you guys… ?” I offer, and at this she seems calmed. Only after she’s gone do I realize there are tomatoes on my sandwich even though the menu had said there weren’t, but when I meekly get the host’s attention and he answers, “With all my heart?” I decide to just dump the slabs on my boyfriend’s plate. One member of our party insists his sandwich is “succulent,” though mine has much more in common with a packaged lunch you’d buy at an airport terminal than a prime rib. When I order banana bread for dessert and realize it’s almost certainly microwaved, I realize the crux of my disappointment: I had expected these happy little cult members were waking up early to bake bread––recipe calls for a dash of cardamom, a handful of walnuts and a pinch of love––but in fact, most of their fare tastes like it comes right off the shelf at the nearby Shaw’s. A follow-up call to the Twelve Tribes’s toll-free hotline confirms that while they do cook with goods from their farm when possible, more often than not, they buy commercial. All in all, I feel duped, just as I had when, at eight or nine, I realized that in fact David Bowie was not, in fact, king of the goblins.

Our check comes out. It’s yellow, of course, and embellished with little smiley faces and a big thought bubble emblazoned with the words, “We are here for you!” But the fruit of the spirit? Ain’t that tasty.

 

Grades:

Décor:                         8 out of 10
Cuisine                       4 out of 10

Service:                       6 out of 10
Proselytizing:             2 out of 10 (they didn’t try nearly hared enough to win us over, in my view)

Future columns will be the same form, reviewing the following:

The Merry Wives Café, in Hildale, Utah

The Scientology Celebrity Centre Sunday brunch, in Los Angeles, California

Golden Era in San Francisco, California

Der Dutchman Café in Holmes County, Ohio

That Time I Traded Theater Tickets on Craigslist and Came Out Nearly Two Grand Ahead

August 22, 2016

This weekend, we had friends over for dinner, and we were talking about funny experiences on Craigslist, and I was reminded of the time five years ago when my friend KC and I traded two tickets to a play at BAM for a week on the North Fork of Long Island.  Below, the long winded account of our victory.  (Never did get featured in the Times, though, I’m reminded!)

The Ad

 

2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

Date: 2009-12-02, 4:03PM EST

Reply to: sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Two twenty-something Columbia grads have two extra tickets to see Cate Blanchett (directed by Bergman muse Liv Ullman) as Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire at Brooklyn Academy of Music on Friday, December 11th at 7:30 PM. Will accept exchange for personalized gifts, written works, tickets to other performances including but not limited to: ballet, opera, theater, private art viewings, movies, promises of grand gestures, beautifully crafted love letters, a delicious meal at a restaurant, etc. Be creative!

The Sweet Underdogs

From:  Tom Wilzer <twilzer@gmail.com>

To:      sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:   Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 4:54 PM

Subject:           I want these tickets badly.

 

Dinner for two at the spotted pig, or somewhere else, if you’re vegetarian/vegan.

40% discount at Odin (men’s boutique) and Pas de Deux (women’s boutique).

 

My undying love and affection.

 

In person recitation of Queen Mab speech.

 

All can be yours if the tickets can be mine.

 

Thank you,

Grant Wheeler

 

From:              Elizabeth Knox <septimus7sylph@gmail.com>

To:                  ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

Date:               Thu, Dec 3, 2009 at 12:20 AM

Subject:           Re: A Streetcar Named Desire

           

Wow! Okay and thank you for the quick response. I thought I would also let you know that my best friend who I went to Interlochen with (who is a very gifted poet) somehow meant an artist who was a friend of Frida Kahlos when she was down in Mexico, and teamed up with her to write poems about her work. You said your friend loved Salvador Dali, and these paintings with poems inspired by the artwork are one of kind. I also make fun, charm bracelets on ribbon. But the most popular bracelets I make, and the ones all my friends have are cuss bracelets. I get lots of fun colors and beads like turtles, whales, teddy bears, you know like kid stuff, and then you pick out your favorite cuss word in bright letters. They’re the best! Just thought I’d let you know what else I have to offer…hope to hear from you soon!

 

A Lovely Story

 

From:              Andrea Pasternak <APasternak@giantlawfirm.com>

To:                  sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 5:04 PM

Subject:           2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

You are very creative! Are you women or men? My boss is going to Streetcar tomorrow night because his daughter is organizing the gala at BAM. I am a legal secretary and could never dream of Streetcar, it is beyond my dreams.

I have never seen a live play before, though I read plays from the library and love literature. You must be brilliant to be Columbia grads. I admire your moxie.

I hope you find your hearts’ desire. I would love to know who you awarded them to, and what they bestowed upon you.

 

Andrea Pasternak

 

From:              ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

To:                  Andrea Pasternak <APasternak@giantlawfirm.com>

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 8:33 PM

Subject:           Re: 2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

Hi Andrea,

That’s sweet of you, thanks! We’re female grads. The Gala sounds incredible too! Not that you included details but hey, Streetcar, Cate Blanchett, BAM, gala… what’s not to love?

I’ll be sure to tell you who wins the prize. We’ve had some cool responses thus far.

Get yourself to a live play STAT!

Sincerely,

ID

 

From:              Andrea Pasternak <APasternak@giantlawfirm.com>

To:                  Itinerant Daughter <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 9:07 PM

Subject:           RE: 2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

Hi ID,

 

Thank you for your kind note. I am very lucky – I’m going to Streetcar! My boss, who is trustee of a philanthropic fund, asked the Development Director at BAM if she had a ticket left for me, and she did! I am absolutely thrilled. It’s so amazing.

 

All the best,

Sincerely,

Andrea

 

from    ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

to         Andrea Pasternak <APasternak@giantlawfirm.com>

date     Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 9:09 PM

subject Re: 2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

Have a great time!

 

 

A Sketchy Reply

 

From:              Claudette Davide <yoclaudette@hotmail.com>

To:                  sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 6:55 PM

Subject:           Tickets?

 

Our offer depend, partially, on:

 

are you men looking for women?

men looking for men?

women looking for men?

or

women looking for women?

 

Looking forward for a great exchange…

 

Claudette

 

From:              ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

To:                  Claudette Davide <yoclaudette@hotmail.com>

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 7:54 PM

Subject:           Re: Tickets?

 

Ha… we are women, but we’re not looking for anything sexual, so the recipients’ genders are irrelevant to us…

 

Though we do prefer pretty people to ugly ones.

 

The Strangest Responses

 

From:              Hillary Norris <hn87@ivyleagueuniversity.edu>

To:                  sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:               Thu, Dec 3, 2009 at 4:22 PM

Subject:           2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

Hi there,

 

I suspect you’ve been flooded with all sorts of colourful offers for those highly prized tix – but if not, consider the helpful services of an Australian veterinary pathologist (in training)! Do you have any dead pets you’d like an opinion on? Or live ones…? I’m looking for a reason to head to the city in a couple of weeks (and escape rainy Ithaca). I missed the Sydney Theatre Company’s Sydney shows of STND as I was on my way over here and would love a chance to see Cate Blanchett on stage. Let me know! And enjoy the show!

 

Cheers,

 

Hillary

 

From:              S. B. Summers <samanthabsummers@gmail.com>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Sun, Dec 6, 2009 at 2:55 PM

Subject:           Streetcar Named Desire

 

 

Hi,

 

I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have the two Streetcar Named Desire tickets you have for next Friday. Not to toot my own horn, but I happen to be an incredible baker and make a (vegan) ginger, macadamia, coconut carrot cake to die for! I’m also a public defender in the Bronx Family Court and would be happy to represent you in a child neglect or abuse case. 😉 The gentleman who would be accompanying me is a scientist and could meet any of your chemistry needs (not an offer to make illicit substances, btw). That’s all I’ve got. If you have any specific requests, let me know!!

 

Best,

Samantha

 

A Really Annoying Response

 

From:              Allen Parks <atparks@gmail.com>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Sat, Dec 5, 2009 at 12:03 PM

Subject:           Streetcar tixs?

 

I’m not very creative unless you consider this as an opportunity to make a young woman/my incredible girlfriend a very happy person for Christmas. 🙂

 

If that does anything for you, please let me know.

 

Allen

 

A Funny Response

 

From:              acyoung <acyoung@gmail.com>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Sat, Dec 5, 2009 at 12:49 PM

Subject:           street car tickets

 

I am willing to clean your house completely naked for these tickets.

 

The Curveball

 

From:              Sasha Attenberg <sashaattenberg@yahoo.com>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Sat, Dec 5, 2009 at 8:42 PM

Subject:           Streetcar offer…

 

Hello, I saw your offer on Craigslist…so how about this: I published a book on Tennessee Williams’ later plays some years ago called The Politics of Reputation, and have also edited and introduced a new volume of his later plays for New Directions Publishing titled The Traveling Companion, previously unpublished work from the 1960s, `70s, and `80s that came out last year…I can get you a copy of each, signed. I have been trying to get tickets to this production, and Tennessee’s last assistant and companion, John Uecker, has been trying as well…with no luck. We both think it’s important for us to see the play, and do want to go desperately.

Please let me know what you think…

Thanks,

Sasha

 

Five Runners-Up

 

  1. From: alyssa lampisi <alyssa_la@yahoo.com>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Sun, Dec 6, 2009 at 9:02 PM

Subject:           Streetcar named desire tix

 

We are two employees at the United Nations on short work assignment in NY and would love to see this play! We are stationed in countries that do not offer much in the way of cultural events, especially with award winning actors! This would make our NY visit the top of the pops! In exchange we can offer you two tour tickets to the United Nations building and we will take you to lunch in the private staff only delegates dining room as our guest where you can eat with UN dignitaries, possibly even the Secretary General will be there too.

 

Kindly let us know if our offer interests you!

 

Best,

Alyssa

 

  1. From: Nevalle Horace <nhorace@gmail.com>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 7:13 PM

Subject:           Streetcar

           

Here’s my creative offer: I write crosswords for the NY Times (you can

google me to see my work). I will create for you and your seatmate a

personalized crossword puzzle all about you. Great for proposals,

anniversaries, etc. And I’ll put the word “Stella” in it too.

 

(I’m also a lawyer, so if some free legal services are more your speed…)

 

Enjoy!

Nevalle

 

  1. From: Chung, Stephanie <lily.tang@enormousbank.com>

To:                  “sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org”

Date:               Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 1:50 PM

Subject:           Tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

How about a day of sailing any day you choose? Our 30 ft sailboat is docked in City Island (1 hr drive from the city).

 

Includes champagne and lunch on board (again your choice of food).

 

  1. From: Alanna Glass <agyorfi@amnh.org>

To:                  sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 5:14 PM

Subject:           2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

Hello,

 

I work at the American Museum of Natural History. I can get you unlimited free tickets to every show at the museum (planetarium movies, IMAX movies, special exhibitions, and behind the scenes tours of the exhibition department) for one full year!   My friend and I working here would love love love the tickets, and I really hope you like this museum so that this deal is enticing. Please let me know soon!!!!

 

Thank you very much!

 

Adrianna

 

  1. From: Delora Wieting <delora.wieting@comcast.net>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 6:23 PM

Subject:           Tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

Yes!!!! I love that you are looking for a creative trade. We are creatively willing to trade you a photograph of a dog named Stella AND a week (without us) in our house in Burlington Vermont on Lake Champlain… Or if you don’t care for travel, you could have two pounds of Small World coffee shipped to you every month for a year. We have a 3 bedroom place on Lake Champlain that you could enjoy almost any week of the year (except the week between Christmas and New Years). It’s a joyful place to be any time… But if you prefer to get jacked up on the best coffee in America (that’s right, we roast it!) we will happily share our beans for a year in exchange for theater tickets for a night. And, ofcourse, a photo of our four-legged Stella. What do you say? Say yes, and make new friends.

 

The Winner:

 

From:              SAVANNAH THOMPSON <estateantiques@optonline.net>

To:                  sale-wtmuu-1494817476@craigslist.org

Date:               Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 4:41 PM

Subject:           Tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

We would love to offer you a week at our waterfront cottage at Breezy Shores in Greenport, NY. It’s an adorable two bedroom looking across the water at Shelter Island. Fridge will be stocked with North Fork wine and cheese. (Obviously to be redeemed when the weather is warmer and you can really enjoy it!)

 

Backtrack

 

From:              Suborov, Pam <pam.suborov@megapublisher.com>

To:                  sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:               Thu, Dec 3, 2009 at 3:27 PM

Subject:           2 tickets to Streetcar Named Desire (BAM)

 

How about brand new books from my publishing company? Would make great Christmas gifts. Think of the money you’d save!

 

You can call me at 646xxxx or at work at 212xxxxx

 

Pam

 

The Rejection

 

From:              ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

To:                  Pam Suborov, and others

Date:               Sun, Dec 6, 2009 at 5:47 PM

Subject:           Streetcar Tickets

 

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you so much for responding to our exchange offer so thoughtfully and creatively! Unfortunately we’ve had to narrow down the contenders and thus are writing to tell you that you were not chosen. I highly recommend doing something like this if you find yourself with spare tickets; it will renew your faith in the communal artistic spirit! And forward it along to me, if you do, so I can return the favor with an epic poem!

 

Sincerely,

ID

 

The Challenge

 

From:              Pam Suborov <pam.suborov@megapublisher.com>

To:                  Itinerant Daughter <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

Date:               Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 9:33 AM

subject:            Re: Streetcar Tickets

                       

Thanks and what a kind note! Just curious… what offers did you get?

All the best for a happy holiday season,

 

Pam

 

From:              ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

To:                  “Suborov, Pam” <pam.suborov@harpercollins.com>

Date:               Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 11:58 AM

Subject:           Re: Streetcar Tickets

           

Hey Pam,

 

Thank you! This has really been so much fun. Funnily enough, I work for a writer (am an aspiring one, myself) whose last two books were published by your company, so I have a hook up there already :). Right now we’re deciding between a year free at the Museum of Natural History (including all planetarium and IMAX shows!), a week at a house on the North Fork of Long Island, a week at a house on Lake Champlain in Burlington, Vermont, and a personal tour of the UN with lunch in the staff dining room. Also, Tennessee Williams’ final assistant and “companion” responded and wants to come, along with a scholar friend of his who wrote a book about Williams. This presents a bit of a literary moral dilemma, don’t you think?

 

Happy holidays to you!

 

Sincerely,

ID

 

From:              Suborov, Pam <gail.dubov@harpercollins.com>

To:                  ID <itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com>

Date:               Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 12:03 PM

Subject:           Re: Streetcar Tickets

 

I just love it! I am going to tell someone I know at the Times about this—I think it’s an article in the making.

 

Who do you work for that is published by HC? No moral dilemma really. Maybe you can get an autographed copy of something by Tennessee Williams…I’d take the North Fork (if it’s not in winter and after you see photos of the house) or the Museum of Natural History for a year. All IMAX and Planetarium shows? That’s worth a lot.

 

Books from HC seems like a wimpy proposal compared to what you’ve been offered! But if you’d like any books anyway for Christmas presents, let me know. Just because you sound like a good human being!

 

A Genius Idea

 

From:              Edith Thompson <edith.thompson@mac.com>

To:                  Kelsey Osgood <kelsey.osgood@gmail.com>

Date:               Tue, Dec 8, 2009 at 3:50 PM

Subject:           Re: re

           

Your angle could be something about wanting free swag, tone down the artistic/altruistic endeavor & ramp up your curiosity in seeing what people might offer

 

Tally/Profit

 

Total cost for four tickets to Streetcar:                                                          $160

 

Total cost for one week in July at a sample 2-bedroom, 1 bath house in Greenport, Long Island, property 186858 listed on www.homeaway.com:                                           $1950

 

Total cost for four bottles of 2007 Merlot from Bedell Cellars Winery in Cutchogue, New York:                                                                                                                          $25

 

Total cost for a “Picnic Special,” which includes 2 cheese selections, box of crackers, plastic utensils, plates, napkins, and a chunk of goat milk fudge from Catapano Dairy Farm in Peconic, New York:                                                                                                $20

 

Total cost:                                                                                                                   $1995

 

Profit =                                                                                                                       $1835

 

 

The One For Which We Would Be in the Most Debt

 

From:              Jasna Gorcik Miroslav <Jasna_miroslav@yahoo.com>

To:                  sale-2sxxb-1491949221@craigslist.org

Date:               Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 10:51 PM

Subject:           tickets fro Streetcar named desire

           

Hi!

I just saw your ad, it is exceptional! I missed the play in DC and I would love to see it. Please let me know if tickets are still available. I can offer to pay for them, or can be your guide in Belgrade, Serbia, one of the cities everybody falls in love with, and/or in Herceg Novi in Montenegro, the city on the coast of the Adriatic see.

 

Best regards,

Zlata

 

Total cost for Streetcar tickets:                                                                                  $160

 

Total cost (including tax) for round airfare to Belgrade, Serbia in May via Cheaptickets.com:                                                                                                         $1,153

 

 

 

Profit =                                                                                                                       $-993

           

The Product

This

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Labs!

July 11, 2016

I don’t know why, but I feel like if you insert any word after “just” and then wrap it all up with an exclamation point, it’s funny.  I think maybe it comes from how in New York City, there’s a make-your-own-salad joint called Just Salad, which I think is the perfect combo of sad and funny (probably has something to do with the meme “Women Laughing Alone with Salad.”)  Anyway!  That listserv detailing grants and such for writers I subscribe to, featured the following listing last week.  I loved how they clarify that this is about your Labrador Retriever.  Because every lab has a story that DESERVES to be HEARD!

JUST LABS
An award-winning, nationally recognized magazine that covers all aspects of the life of the Labrador retriever – your Labrador retriever. Based on the phenomenally popular book of the same name, Just Labs looks at not just life with a pet or life with a dog… but life with a Lab.

Exhaustion

June 30, 2016

In light of Rita Ora’s terrifying ordeal culminating in her admission to the hospital, we at the National Center for the Awareness of Exhaustion have determined that the time is ripe to bring greater attention to this little known malady. Though it is often overshadowed by more serious ailments, exhaustion has been the worm at the core for a small but significant sector of our population for two entire decades.

What is “Exhaustion?” Exhaustion is a disease that might include the following as symptoms: sleepiness, nausea, dizziness, public passing out. In many patients, it presents as similar to a hangover. No one knows its exact cause, but symptoms are often preceded by periods of bad or no publicity. Researchers have also determined that attending concerts for multiple nights in a row or having an openly secret drug problem heightens one’s susceptibility to contracting exhaustion, though medical professionals are encouraged to not link the two, as that would amount to party-shaming the legitimately ill.

Exhaustion is most common among those who work in the entertainment industry and have incredibly generous health insurance policies. Within this group, white females are particularly at risk. Celebrity sufferers include Lindsay Lohan, Demi Moore, and token this-disease-does-not-discriminate sufferer Dave Chappelle. Exhaustion never affects the following: Hasidic mothers of ten, long distance truck drivers, introverts, or people suffering from diagnosed, medically-recognized terminal illnesses.

Treatment for exhaustion may include a brief hospital admission documented by numerous selfies; often, follow-up care is needed, and can be received at exorbitantly expensive rehab centers with ocean views and sushi chefs on-staff. In order to prevent a recurrence of the illness, the sufferer is urged to hire more hands-on representation who can scrub their hospital stay from celebrity gossip websites.

Am I Alone or…

June 16, 2016

have catpchas really jumped the shark?

Screen Shot 2015-02-06 at 5.56.07 PM

Party Trick

April 15, 2016

I’ve decided that from now on, when someone asks me what I do for a living, I’m going to respond, “It’s kind of complicated.  Have you seen that movie Inception, with Leonardo DiCaprio?  It’s basically that.”