Archive for the ‘Things I Love That I Go to Inappropriate Lengths to Track Down’ Category

Breathtaking

February 23, 2016

I recently wrote to a well-known Catholic woman, a convert, to see if she would allow herself to be interviewed by me.  She said no, which is sad, but her explanation is so beautiful that I’m almost glad I was on the receiving end of this rejection…

thank you for your invitation. I did consider it carefully but alas must say ‘no’. to the suggestion. I do not feel physically or mentally strong enough to look at my life and conversion again. The end stage of life is one where we do ‘look back’ and reflect on lots of things, but the time has come for me to stop self gaze of any kind and to gaze on the goodness of death and its transition that is a kind of ‘new birth’ akin to conversion, but maybe of a different kind. I have to let go of the past now and take that swim away from the shore to the unknown and am happy to do that.

A year ago I might have said yes, but not now. bits of me are already dying and I am happy with this gradual letting go. Of bots that no longer work. Best wishes for your own work and life.

 

THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

January 13, 2016

I have found Petite Meller’s publicist’s email, and am thinking of writing him to ask if he could let me know when her album comes out so I can write a profile piece on her I plan to title “Weird for the Jews.”  Because apparently her real name is Sivan, and she spent much of her teen years in Tel Aviv, although she likes to play up the French aspect of her persona (in the very Greek sense of the word) and basically ignore the Jewish part.  Self-hating?  Another connection to Freud?  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?

petite_3

I would just bypass the publicist and sign up for her mailing list, but that would mean being part of her self-titled “little empire” (echoes of Lady Gaga here?)  Maybe for the profile, she and I can go hat-shopping together in London and she can tell me whether her hair at the end of the video for Barbaric was supposed to resemble payot or if that was just coincidental?

Women Are Better Than Men, Part A Million and One

December 14, 2015

“The language of conversion can be abrupt.”  With these words Karl F. Morrison approaches an account by Snorri Sturluson (1178/9-1241) of the Christian king of Norway, Olav Tryggvason (969-1000) and the non-Christian Queen Sigrid of Sweden, whom the king wished to marry.  “Marriage negotiations progressed well until the queen refused to abandon the religion that she held, as her kinsmen before her had done.  Olav, she said, could, without hindrance or reproach, worship whatever god pleased him.

“King Olav was very wroth and answered hastily, ‘Why should I wed you, you heathen bitch?’, and he struck her in the face with the glove he was holding in his hand.”  This was no way to win the heart of Queen Sigrid the Strong-minded.  Her response was instant: “This may be your death,” she said.  Turned into Olav’s staunchest enemy, she married the king of Denmark, whom she incited to the battle in which Olav died.

Varieties of Religious Conversion in the Middle Ages, from the chapter “Gender and Conversion in the Merovingian Era” by Cordula Nolte

Desperately Seeking Former Porno Star

December 8, 2015

You know your life has taken a turn for the fucking weird when you spend your morning trying to contact Jenna Jameson…

A Visit to the Foundling Museum

November 26, 2015

Some of you know that I am obsessed with handwriting.  I am the acting President of the Graphophiles’ Association of Her Majesty’s Kingdom and Current and Former Colonies (my friend and erstwhile editor HS-D is the VP; we’re currently accepting applications for membership) and also the first writer to be represented by Handwriting for Hire, an agency service that provides distinctive handwriting for use in films, for cards, etc.  In addition to liking my own handwriting, I very much enjoy deciphering the writing of others.  Remember this book I have?  Well, the woman who edited it had to figure out how to read each letter writer’s strange scrawl.  I don’t remember where I learned that, but after I did, I immediately her and asked her how she got such a plum gig.  Sadly, no response.

Well, two weeks ago or so, my friend LH and I decided to visit the Foundling Museum, which is housed in the old Foundling Hospital in Bloomsbury.  We were interested in seeing the museum itself (did you know that on Sundays, average London residents could observe the orphans eating their lunch in silence?!) but mostly in checking out an exhibit called “The Fallen Woman,” on unwed Victorian mothers who applied to have their babies sent to the Hospital.  The exhibition included, along with a number of fantastic prints of women throwing themselves off bridges, a few of the original applications made by said women, and it occurred to me that someone probably would have had to do that same job for this project.  Why am I never around when these little jobs are being offered?!  If you need your great-great-grandmother’s love letters to her lesbian mistress transcribed, by all means, reach out.

Dear Eleanor Catton

November 19, 2015

Last year, Eleanor Catton announced that she would set up a grant that would pay to let writers read.  Unfortunately, you’re only eligible for this grant if you live in New Zealand.  Not to lean on a colonialist crutch, but I live in Great Britain now, and we have the same queen, so am I eligible?  I actually am going to go so far as to say nobody in the entire world would make better use of this time and money than I would.  According to the website, applicants don’t need to fill out a form, but rather just “contact the grant administrators via email and explain who they are, what they would like to read, and why.”  So here’s my application: I’m working on a book about religious conversion, right?  So I started to read some Tolstoy.  I thought, “I should read A Confession, and then move on my merry little way.”  Three months later, and I’ve set up shop at the British Library with a stack of Tolstoy-related tomes next to me, including but not limited to J. C. Kenworthy’s A Pilgrimage to Tolstoy and a history of the Tolstoyan movement in Britain by Charlotte Allston.  And this is only for one chapter of the project––imagine all the books I’ll need to write about, among other things, Karaite Judaism, Mirabehn, Jerusalem Syndrome, the digital caliphate, “inter-generational religious perpetuity,” the philo-Semitic yearnings of confessional poets, hipsid-ism, scientific studies based on the theories of William James, and so on.  I JUST DON’T HAVE THESE KINDS OF FUNDS, ELEANOR!

Portable Padded Room!

November 8, 2015

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT ID NEVER ABANDONS A PROJECT!  NOT EVEN IN THE FACE OF PUBLIC RIDICULE, LEGAL THREATS OR CERTAIN DEATH!  (Okay, so maybe not that last one…)  For nearly four years now, I’ve pitched to everyone who would listen (my husband, my former boss, Jeff Stark of Nonsense NYC) my idea for a portable padded room, constructed of an old trailer of some kind.  On the side could be a big sign that reads, “For all your public nervous breakdown needs!” and the artist (that’d be me) could drive it around the city and invite the marching suits inside to have a good old fashioned freak out.

One minor problem with this plan: I have zero experience in construction.  Or design.  And I’m just an okay driver, but we’ll put that on the back burner for now.  As for the first two problems, I think my problem is solved, because I’ve recently discovered Danish creative director Jonas Hallberg’s genius tiny office.

Perfekt!

Perfekt!

Dear Jonas,

Will you please collaborate with me?  This project haunts my dreams; I shall not rest until the portable padded room is a reality.

Love,

ID

60%

October 27, 2015

You know when nothing in your life is going right, and so you feel justified in lying around and feeling sorry for yourself, maybe eating ice cream and drinking beer before noon?  (I once saw a guy in Vienna order that for breakfast, and I was in complete awe of him.)  Well, sometimes I think that might be better than when things in your life are going decently––like, it’s 60% cool––so you have no real reason to complain, but also nothing spectacular or even mildly weird is going on, so you’re a little… bored, maybe?  And you know it’s good––better to be bored than putting out fires left and right––but you can’t help but want to shake things up a little?  Maybe by accepting an invite to smoke opium and head on over to a world music fest at the apartment of dark, deranged Dorian Gray.

“At another time he devoted himself entirely to music, and in a long latticed room, with a vermilion-and-gold ceiling and walls of olive-green lacquer, he used to give curious concerts, in which mad gypsies tore wild music from little zithers, or grave yellow-shawled Tunisians plucked at the strained strings of monstrous lutes, while grinning negroes beat monotonously upon copper drums, and, crouching upon upon scarlet mats, slim turbaned Indians blew through long pipes of reed or brass, and charmed, or feigned to charm, great hooded snakes and horrible horned adders.  The harsh intervals and shrill discords of barbaric music stirred him at times when Schubert’s grace, and Chopin’s beautiful sorrows, and the mighty harmonies of Beethoven himself, fell unheeded on his ear.  He collected together from all parts of the world the strangest instruments that could be found, either in the tombs of dead nations or among the few savage tribes that have survived contact with Western civilizations, and loved to touch and try them.  He had the mysterious juruparis of the Rio Negro Indians, that women are not allowed to look at, and that even youths may not see till they have been subjected to fasting and scourging, and the earthen jars of the Peruvians that have the shrill cries of birds, and flutes of human bones such as Alfonso de Ovalle heard in Chili, and the sonorous green jaspers that are found near Cuzco and give forth a note of singular sweetness.  He had painted gourds filled with pebbles that rattled when they were shaken; the long clarin of the Mexicans, into which the performer does not blow but through which he inhales the air; the harsh ture of the Amazon tribes, that is sounded by the sentinels who sit all day long in high trees, and can be heard, it is said, at a distance of three leagues; the teponaztli, that has two vibrating tongues of wood, and is beaten with sticks that are smeared with an elastic gum obtained from the milky juice of plants; the yotl-bells of the Aztecs, that are hung in clusters like grapes; and a huge cylindrical drum, covered with the skins of great serpents, like the one that Bernal Diaz saw when he went with Cortes into the Mexican temple, and of whose doleful sound he has left us so vivid a description.  The fantastic character of these instruments fascinating him, and he felt a curious delight in the thought that Art, like Nature, has her monsters, things of bestial shape and with hideous voices.  Yet, after some time, he wearied of them, and would sit in his box at the Opera, either alone or with Lord Henry, listening to rapt pleasure to Tannhauser, and seeing in the prelude to that great work of art a presentation of the tragedy of his own soul.”

This reminds me of the scene in I Heart Huckabees when that Spanish woman is singing a song about the drought that ravaged her community.  Or about the time seven years ago when I wanted to ask a friend of a friend if her boyfriend, who was a Hare Krishna, could hold a be-in at our apartment.  Now that friend of a friend is dead of a heroin overdose.  Ain’t life absurd?

Postscript: Is it just me, or was Oscar Wilde crushing up pages of A Rebours and snorting them while writing The Picture of Dorian Gray?

This Was the Aesthetic!

October 21, 2015

Guys, remember when I had my psychic dream?  THIS is what we were wearing.

Groovy.

Groovy.

A Job For Me, Part Two Million

October 15, 2015

Dear Alberto Manguel,

While reading the latest issue of the New York Review of Books, I came across the following quote from your latest book:

“It was [the beekeeping priest] who told me that when a beekeeper dies, someone must go and tell the bees that their keeper is dead.  Since then I’ve wished that when I die someone will do the same for me, and tell my books that I will not come back.”

As an obsessive bibliophile myself, I understand this desire, and I’m happy to do this for you.  I suppose it’s best if I introduce myself to the books first, so that I’m a recognizable face when I deliver news in the future.  To that end, I suggest I come and visit your library (and you) in France some time in the coming months.  Please let me know when would work for you.  I have a feeling you don’t have an enormous online life, so I’ll search for a physical address for you.  When I come, we can drink tea and talk about our personal experiences reading to the blind.

Love,

ID