Pet Peeve

May 3, 2012

In light of the story about the genuinely terrifying-looking mother in NJ who tans 20 days out of each month…

Why have people dubbed the tendency to tan until orange “tanorexia?”  Anorexia is a disease based upon self DENIAL, not indulgence.  It doesn’t make any sense to call this phenomenon “lack of appetite for tanning,” to refer to the etymological origins.  I propose that it be changed to “binge tanning” or “tanimia.”  “Tanniction?”  As in, tanning addiction?  Any of these would be leagues better than tanorexia, which I know is kind of catchy but is just plain incorrect.

Margaret Atwood

May 2, 2012

Tonight I am going to see Margaret Atwood speak at the New York Times.  I reluctantly must admit I’ve never read any of her books, but I am a fan of her poetry, particularly this one, which is about many people I know.

A Sad Child

You’re sad because you’re sad.

It’s psychic. It’s the age. It’s chemical.

Go see a shrink or take a pill,

or hug your sadness like an eyeless doll

you need to sleep.

Well, all children are sad

but some get over it.

Count your blessings. Better than that,

buy a hat. Buy a coat or pet.

Take up dancing to forget.

Forget what?

Your sadness, your shadow,

whatever it was that was done to you

the day of the lawn party

when you came inside flushed with the sun,

your mouth sulky with sugar,

in your new dress with the ribbon

and the ice-cream smear,

and said to yourself in the bathroom,

I am not the favorite child.

My darling, when it comes

right down to it

and the light fails and the fog rolls in

and you’re trapped in your overturned body

under a blanket or burning car,

and the red flame is seeping out of you

and igniting the tarmac beside you head

or else the floor, or else the pillow,

none of us is;

or else we all are.

The Holidays at Millbrook, Part II

May 2, 2012

Bali was in full costume, about to begin a dance recital in the “music room” when I came in, and I immediately sat down to watch.  He is a great dancer, and today he danced the dedication to Shiva –– with which he opens all his concerts –– particularly well.  In it, he actually portrays Shiva doing his dance of the destruction of the cosmos, and ends in the pose on all the statues of the dancing Shiva: one hand raised in the “have no fear” mudra, the other pointing to his lifted foot, which represents liberation/enlightenment.  I have never found any of Bali’s dancing as moving as I did today.  (Bill Haines told me later that Bali had been dedicated to Shiva as an infant, and given to the temple at the age of six, to begin his training.)

After the dance recital, nearly everyone was as out of it as I was, no one seemed to want to move, or talk.  Allen Ginsberg took out his finger cymbals, and he and Peter began to sing a kirtan, starting with the “Hare Krishna” mantra that nearly everyone there knew.  I stole that opportunity to try and make it back up to the bowling alley to gather up Alan and whoever else might want to come and sing.  But I was to have a rude shock.

I left the music room by the sliding doors that open onto the main entry hall of the house, and there in the hall narrowly missed being knocked down by a giant of a man who was literally hurling himself about, from banister to wall, barely missing the huge gilded mirror and shouting, “I have been Vi-o-la-ted!” over and over again to an astonished and immobilized audience.

Turned out that he was one Ted Cook, Canadian reporter, who, while being wined and entertained by Timothy in his study on the third floor, had inadvertently imbibed a large quantity of acid.  It seems Timothy had offered him the choice of some perfectly straight bourbon or scotch, but he had secretly decided on the sherry he had seen in the cabinet, and when everyone else was otherwise occupied he wandered off and helped himself to a good-sized glass of same.  The sherry happened to be one of the three bottles of liquor which held our new stash.

And now it seemed he was very shook.  Well, it served him right, I figured.  Not simply because it ain’t cool to drink liquor which ain’t offered, but –– dig this –– he had done a full-length movie about acid for CBC or something without ever having touched the stuff.  That old black karma, catching up with him.  I ducked as he made another howling lurch for the stairs and went on back to the bowling alley.

By the time I came back to the main house with Alan and our friend Zen (who lived downstairs from us in the bowling alley, where he devoured large quantities of morning glory seeds almost daily, and played his trumpet) kirtan had broken up: the howls and curses of Ted Cook had proved to be too much for everyone.  Most of our guests were milling about aimlessly, making small talk and waiting for dinner, while the more competent –– and the more paranoid –– members of the community crashed around outside, coatless and flashlightless in the winter twilight, trying to find Ted Cook who had burst out of the house, surging through the masses of folk around him.

The general fear was that he would find his way to the highway (a good half mile away) and all hell would break loose with the local folk.  We sat constantly on this power keg at Millbrook, dissuading ecstatic first-time trippers from calling their wives in Virginia, tromping resolutely by the side of energetic ones who had decided to go for a long hike, feeding yoga, breathing exercises, niacin, or Thorazine to persistent bad trippers –– handling any and all drug crises as best we could alone.

Dinner was finally ready.  I made a quick run back home with Ed to wake up Mini, my four-year-old, who had consented to take a nap on my sworn oath that I would get her up in time to eat.  The shouts of Ted Cook could be heard in the distance as we went up the path to the bowling alley, and I heard myself muttering, “If this is Thanksgiving, what will Christmas be like?”

At the bowling alley there was also a heap of presents that had to be brought back to the main house, Alan having the day before, bought a gift for each of the eleven Millbrook children.  There was absolutely no money at Millbrook at this time –– times of total financial drought alternated there always with times of dizzying plenty –– but that didn’t stop Timothy, who handed us a blank check and told us to fill it out for whatever amount we needed.  And so, Alan had decided that presents were in order, and had bought sweaters, toys, mittens, etc., at the huge shopping center in Poughkeepsie at the same time as the turkeys, yams, and other goodies.

Ed carried Mini, who was still half asleep, and an armload of packages, and I lugged a huge shopping bag full of presents back to the main house.

Dinner was very good and very luxurious, in the way that feasts always feel luxurious when the house is full and there is more than enough of everything.  I heaped a big paper plate for myself and stashed it in a cupboard, and then I went to check out the rest of my family.

Different angle, from the blog of current resident John Foreman, who blogs about this and others at BIG OLD HOUSES.

Happy Birthday to Me?

April 28, 2012

My student loan collection agency just sent me a happy birthday email.  LIKE YOU CARE, NELNET.

The Ultimate Toddlers’ Fashion Blog

April 26, 2012

When I saw today’s article in the Times about preschool fashion, I realized that my idea for a blog devoted solely to the sartorial habits and predilections of little tykes might soon be snatched up by someone less worthy  out there, so here is, first, a declaration that THE IDEA IS MINE AND ALL MINE, and second, a little template for the blog (tentatively titled Well-Tailored Tots? Doctors Seuss and Marten?  The Patent Leather Teething Ring?  Lagerfeld’s Sandbox?  I could go on like this for a while.)  I suppose I don’t need to wax poetic on the popularity of Ari Seth Cohen’s Advanced Style and the desire felt by all to see fashion through a certain extreme prism (most often, the extremity is age.)

Lagerfeld’s Sandbox 


The very drabness of this outfit is the essence of its chicness.  It’s sort of punk Amish.  She’s even rocking the ombre hair trend a bit.

On the right: “Don’t spill juice on this coat.  It’s very expensive.”  ($1,570 to be exact.) On the left: And you thought only Cara Delevingne could model Burberry with such sass.

“My true passion is menswear, but I like to add little girly touches like Silly Bands and flowered hair accents.”

“My style icons are MIA, Leandra Medine, that kid from Slumdog Millionaire and all stars who eschew pants.”

“My outfit mirrors the hilarious absurdity of life.”

Be ready for April showers on the playground with springtime colors!

“I’m not ashamed to admit I wear these glasses for affect only.”

Outfit inspiration: 50% Kingston Rossdale, 50% LMFAO.  Hair: 100% natural.

“Though she is less than a year old, Harper Seven Beckham is named ‘celebrity whose wardrobe you most covet’ by 76% of third graders.”

The End

April 25, 2012

“Federal agents and police detectives on Monday ended their lengthy search of a SoHo basement for evidence in the 1979 disappearance of Etan Patz, with the New York Police Department’s chief spokesman saying “no obvious human remains” had been recovered.

“The building is along the route that Etan, 6, took on the day he disappeared. At the time, the basement housed the workshop of Othniel Miller, who has recently come under scrutiny in the case. A team of evidence recovery specialists from the F.B.I. and crime scene investigators with the Police Department began on Thursday to search along the walls of the basement and under its concrete floor, which was poured shortly after Etan’s disappearance.”

“The investigators have sent parts of a cinder block with what appeared to be a bloodstain to the F.B.I.’s laboratory in Quantico, Va., for further testing, but initial field tests on the cinder block came back negative for blood, said a law enforcement official who had been briefed on the investigation. It was unclear if that was the only material sent to the bureau’s lab.”

Now that the block is open to traffic (foot and car) again, of course you can see right down the stairs to the black door of 127B, and boy, is it creepy.

A Break From Etan

April 20, 2012

… though he’s still on our minds.

So true.

Apologies to anyone who has come here under the impression that I’m a news site.  In this particular instance, I just happen to be close to the action, and my eyes are always open.

Etan Patz

April 19, 2012

So… turns out that I did kinda sorta maybe break the story about the cops renewing the search for the body of Etan Patz, who disappeared while walking to his bus stop 33 years ago in SoHo, New York.

Of course, the first information I heard wasn’t entirely correct –– as far as we know, no one has confessed to the crime per se, but the latest is that cadaver dogs have responded in a way that make the police think that there may be remains in the basement of what used to be a gay/lesbian art gallery (?!)  The scene right now is mobbed –– tourists clutching “Un Grand Week-End!” books, local ACE staff members, the chefs at the Calexico truck, the news crews for almost every major news station in New York, and little me, dashing out every so often to stand in the sun and try to get a glimpse of the action (this stance incites in me both great excitement and deep self-loathing.)  Updates are coming in by the hour.  It has been very difficult, in case you’re wondering, for anyone around my office to concentrate.

It’s important to note the language used by the FBI’s talking heads on Times website.  In two separate statements, they stress that time is not a factor here, meaning they will continue to work however long until they get some definitive answers.  I’m beginning to wonder what the scene will look like tomorrow, and the day after, and the days following.  Will lay people continue to stand vigil at the barricades, or will they succumb to boredom?  If nothing is found, it will resort to being an innocuous SoHo warehouse that now is home to one outpost of Lucky Jeans.  (Not so lucky anymore?)  If something is found, will it become the locus of grief?  In less than a day’s time, a simple basement, to which likely no one gave thought before, has started to morphically resonate, to quote Laing.

BREAKING NEWS

April 19, 2012

My assistant returned from getting a bagel to excitedly tell me to drop everything.

“This is totally your jam.”

Apparently the FBI is at the Lucky Jeans down the street because –– as he learned from gossip in the bakery –– someone just confessed to murdering a child in 1968 and burying his/her body in the basement.

I’m on my way to investigate…

Words/Phrases That Look SUPER Weird With Hash Tags Next to Them

April 19, 2012

#shtetl

#incest

#NGtube

#catatonicdepression

#euthanasia

#Alopecia

#diagnosticdrift

#AmericanDisabilitiesAct

#Goebbels

#DNR

I think if I really went on with this, the list could be verrrrrrrrrry looooooooooong, but I’m in a shitty mood so y’all can do the work yourselves.