Cover Letter

April 18, 2012

April 18, 2012

Itinerant Daughter

c/o The Guggenheim Museum

1071 5th Avenue

New York, NY 10128

to: haltunen@hermitage.ru

Dear Ms. Maria Khaltunin,

I would like to enthusiastically apply for a job as cat wrangler at the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg, Russia.  Only recently did I learn of the formidable feline population at the Museum and of your efforts to care for them, and I would love to be a part of such a worthy endeavor.  I have always loved cats, and creatures that dwell in unconventional structures.  I have a pet cat of my own, Slash, who, no doubt, would be right at home in The Hermitage, even possibly becoming a ringleader of one of the many factions within the museum population (a benevolent leader, of course.)  Aside from being a cat owner myself, I have worked in the past with autistic children and therefore am good interacting with small, unpredictable forces of energy.  I am hardworking, intelligent, and greatly enjoy solitary work –– all things considered, I can see no position I am better suited for.  I do not, as of this moment, live in Russia, nor do I speak any Russian, but I am willing to relocate for this job and greatly enjoy learning new languages.  I have one friend high up in the Russian government, who would be glad to vouch for me.

My CV is attached.

Also, please do check out the YouTube Video, “Henri 2: Paw de Deux,” which has been making the rounds here in the States.

Best,

ID

Misplaced Laugh

April 17, 2012

MH:  in other blogosphere news

burn victim mormon blogger had her 5th kid

ID:  HAHAHAHA

sorry

that is not funny

Let’s Make This For Ourselves

April 17, 2012

… minus a few details.

The Holidays at Millbrook, 1966

Thanksgiving day dawned clear.  I got up later than usual (8:30 or so) and made it down to the kitchen, grimly resolved to eat a breakfast, DO NO COOKING, and leave again for a leisurely day at home.  After cooking all three Millbrook meals for some 50 people for over a month, I had had it with the spacious and picturesque kitchen, and the eternal Beatles on the kitchen phonograph.

When I got to the “main house” I found that Kumar, our Hindu poet friend, had already arrived from New York with hashish and gossip, and many other people were converging from Massachusetts, Washington and farther afield.  The parking lot behind the big house, with its great gouges and holes –– from the legendary trip when Timothy & Co. had decided to get rid of all the pavement in the world, starting in their own back yard and heading down the Taconic State Parkway –– was full to capacity with everything from old pickup trucks to a solitary silver Porsche, and the house was filling rapidly.  It was clearly necessary to do some cooking –– none had been started yet –– and I had a sinking feeling that I wasn’t going to escape, after all.

Sure enough, Alan had volunteered to cook one of the four huge turkeys, and he conned me into “starting” it for him.  Naturally, I looked up from the first motions to find him gone, and wound up cooking the turkey, and several gallons of cranberry sauce, and a cauldron of candied yams, while Alan made off for parts unknown.  It was a soft, warm day, doors and windows were open, velvet draperies blowing and wind; goats, dogs and children all wandering in and out.

There was a football game before lunch on the lawn in front of the main house.  Timothy loves football, baseball, softball –– has a big rah-rah streak which some find very lovable –– and is constantly pressing his guests into some strenuous sport-like activity, which leaves them usually with sprained backs and sore leg muscles and sour dispositions –– until the next round of drinks, food, meditation, or grass sets them up again.  The more ornamental girls gathered round to cheer.  The rest of us went on with the cooking.

I noticed that Alan had managed to escape the football game as well as the turkey.  Found out later that he had retired to sweep the back porch of the pseudo-Swiss chalet that he and I lived in with the children –– the really charming little building of wood and stone, known to Millbrook inmates as “the bowling alley (it had indeed been built, with its myriad stone  balconies and three-inch-thick shingles, as a bowling alley and billiard room for the first owner.)  Whenever things get to be too much for Alan, he sweeps.

He showed up for lunch, though, which was baked Virginia ham, split pea soup, beer and other goodies set out on the front porch of the main house, and in the main dining room.  The kids wheeled their tricycles up and down the porch while we ate, looking out over the sweep of the lawn turning brown from the recent frosts.  Alexander, my three-year-old, drank a half a can of beer and fell out on a mattress in the main dining room and slept till dinnertime.

The light came in, and faded, and I was still in the kitchen.  A familiar feeling.  Around 5:30, Jean McCreedy, Tim’s secretary, came in and offered to candy the yams in my stead if I wanted to rest before dinner.  I went back up to the bowling alley dead tired, to change clothes.

DeeDee Doyle was up there, reading and reminiscing.  DeeDee was a California speed freak and old friend, who had sought refuge with us a few days before, when her old man had gone a little too berserk, even for her.  She was wanting “something pretty to wear,” and so we pulled gowns and capes and old shawls out of the closet and spread them about, and I put Bob Dylan on the phonograph.

DeeDee picked a costume, complete down to rhinestone pins and necklace, and put up her hair while she told me how years ago she had given Dylan a book of Michael McClure’s, and how it had turned him on.  Dylan later bought McClure an auto harp which changed his style for a while: he sang his poetry readings, wrote songs, grew his hair.  Dylan had wanted her to live with him, “but I chose to go with Bad Bruce,” said DeeDee a little sadly, making up her eyes.

I pulled on a coral gown and black velvet cape, braided some pearls into my hair, stuffed all the remaining clothes back into the closet, and returned to the main house to go to the john.  (The bowling alley had no toilet facilities –– no running water at all, in fact –– nor any heat, except for a very small fireplace, more decorative than functional, which, during the winter ahead, usually managed to heat the huge room we lived in to about 40 or 50 degrees.)

At the main house I found Bali Ram.  Bali is a Nepalese temple dancer.  He had come to the States a few years before with Bill Haines, who was then arranging tours for groups of eastern dancers, musicians, etc.  Bill was now head of the Sri Ram Ashram, a motley crew who occupied the second floor of the Millbrook main house at this time.  The Ashram had 28 members, mostly young longhairs, to whom Tim had recently given asylum when they were thrown out of their former home, the Ananda Ashram in Monroe by the staid older members of that organization.  The older members owned the land, and controlled the board of directors; the younger members had come to work the garden and pass the summer.  They decided to stay and squatted, more or less, till the arrival of a large number of police and private detectives made it unfeasible for them to remain.  The Sri Ram Ashram boasted several colorful and talented members.  There was Jean-Pierre Merle, grandson of Raymond Duncan, and third-generation vegetarian; a skilled painter, sandalmaker, potter, and flute player, a slight young man who looked positively frail till you saw him in action.  There was Tambimuttu, the Indian-British poet with a strong English accent, a friend of Auden & c., founder of the little magazine of the ’50s, Poetry London-New York.  And there was Bali.

*Part two tomorrow

55-65 rooms, depending on whom you ask.

Riddle Me This

April 16, 2012

If this person has the money to pay someone to look for jobs for them, why don’t they just… not get a job?

Looking for job search personal assistant (Park Slope, Brooklyn)

Date: 2012-04-16, 3:14PM EDT

Reply to: g9hsq-2961687742@gigs.craigslist.org

Looking for a person to help sort through job postings, and help in filling out job applications. Must have references. Should be someone young and highly motivated. The pay is $8 per hour, but the gig could last 50 hours or more over the next two weeks.

Please reply with name, phone, web address if any, and business writing sample (you will be writing cover letters, etc.)

Um, No

April 16, 2012

Um, Kate?

What's the point?

I’m really sorry to tell you, but you are not this cool:

Instant classic.

Besides, I think your new movie is called L!fe Happens, and if there’s anything I DESPISE, it’s using a punctuation mark where a letter should be.  I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to say that?  I’m looking at you, Ke$ha –– even though I’m not, cause your face scares me.

One From the Vault

April 16, 2012

Another limerick written while drunk in Paris:

Ode to My Cat

There once was a black cat named Slash

who could charm in the bat of a lash

when he wore his lil’ tee

more swooning you’d see

than ingredients are in succotash

It works but also, like, doesn’t.

Random Things

April 15, 2012

It could be worse.  Your Sunday Blues could be so bad that you teared up during an Internet video about a little kid who made his own arcade out of cardboard and erected it in his father’s East Los Angeles auto parts store.

Or you could have resorted to posting vaguely melancholic drawings of a child’s feet in a hospital bed.

Apparently I'm obsessed with Mia Nolting.

OR you could have found this quote from a New Yorker article about the new, modernized Mecca LOL hilar:

“I received a text message confirming that a[n animal] sacrifice had been made on my behalf.”  (“Modern Mecca” by Basharat Peer)

Although the last thing has nothing to do with Sunday blues, per se…

Good Night, Baltimore!

April 13, 2012

Pretty soon, we will ARRIVE!

From a recent Wall Street Journal article about John Waters, sent to me by my indefatigably hilarious father:

“When I was young there were beatniks. Hippies. Punks. Gangsters. Now you’re a hacktivist. Which I would probably be if I was 20. Shuttin’ down MasterCard. But there’s no look to that lifestyle! Besides just wearing a bad outfit with bad posture. Has WikiLeaks caused a look? No! I’m mad about that. If your kid comes out of the bedroom and says he just shut down the government, it seems to me he should at least have an outfit for that. Get a look! I’m not judging what they do; I hope they don’t shut me down.”

So, John, when KM and I make it to Baltimore, and the three of us are throwing back shots of Wild Turkey, I will ask you to make a sketch of a WikiLeaks army member uniform.  xoxoxo!

 

Fun Fact!

April 12, 2012

Wanna hear something funny?  The Dalai Lama has 3,962,976 followers on Twitter, and yet he follows NO ONE.  Damn, Dalai! That’s a statement.

An Old Friend

April 12, 2012

3. There are probably whole Johns Hopkins U. Press books to be written on the lallating function that humor serves in today’s US psyche.  A crude way to put the whole thing is that our present culture is, both developmentally and historically, adolescent.  And since adolescence is acknowledge to be the single most stressful and frightening period of human development –– the stage when the adulthood we claim to crave begins to present itself as a real and narrowing system of responsibilities and limitations (taxes, death) and when we yearn inside for a return to the same childish oblivion we pretend to scorn* –– it’s not difficult to see why we as a culture are so susceptible to art and entertainment whose primary function is escape, i.e. fantasy, adrenaline, spectacle, romance, etc.  Jokes are a kind of art, and because most of us Americans come to art now essentially to escape ourselves –– to pretend for a while that we’re not mice and walls are parallel and the cat can be outrun –– it’s understandable that most of us are going to view “A Little Fable” as not at all that funny, or maybe even see it as a repulsive instance of the exact sort of downer-type death-and-taxes reality for which “real” humor serves as a respite.

*(Do you think it’s a coincidence that college is when many Americans do their most serious fucking and falling-down drinking and generally ecstatic Dyonysian-type reveling?  It’s not.  College students are adolescents, and they’re terrified, and they’re dealing with their terror in a distinctively US way.  Those naked boys hanging upside-down out of their frat house’s windows on Friday night are simply trying to buy a few hours’ escape from the grim adult stuff that any decent school has forced them to think about all week.)

—–

Note to the heavens: I’ll work on the books about the “lallating function” that humor STILL serves.  Rest in peace, DFW.