Things I Could Judge

October 10, 2013

Things I Feel I Could Competently Judge Based Solely on the Amount of Television I Watch About Them:

Olympic gymnastics

Children’s beauty pageants

Modeling competitions

Any sex-crime court case

Earrings

October 10, 2013

My friend CN just moved (today!) to Philadelphia to be a jewelry buyer at Anthropologie.  I’m hoping she’ll get me this backlist bunny studs.

Well, I guess you can get them for me if you want, if you can find them.

Well, I guess you can get them for me if you want, if you can find them.

I HATE NATHANIEL RICH

October 9, 2013

A few years ago, a former friend of mine, who enjoyed vegan baking and falling for attached men, developed a serious crush on writer/Frank Rich spawn Nathaniel, he of the title of this post.  She dragged me to some event that he was co-hosting and awkwardly hung around the table where he was signing books afterward and introduced me, though I seriously doubt Sir Rich remembers it.  Since then, I’ve definitely imagined a familiarity that simply doesn’t exist, and tracked his career in ways that I perhaps wouldn’t have had I never shook hands with the dude.  I’ve read his writing when it is sent my way, noted releases of his novels, and cringed with envy when I heard his voice on This American Life.  But this week, my jealousy reached new peaks when a friend forwarded me the oral history he did of the Chelsea Hotel for Vanity Fair (also, please note my prediction that oral histories are the new listicles is TOTALLY COMING TRUE!) and of course I was beside myself.  MY Chelsea Hotel?  The place I spent a paycheck to stay in even though it was ten blocks away from where I lived?  The building I sometimes stroked as I walked by (en route to nowhere) just because I loved it so?  The hotel that––yes, I know––has turned me even in these sentences into a bumbling cliche and puts me firmly in the derided category of “poseurs with artistic pretensions,” to quote R. Crumb.

A snippet of the oral history, which can be read in full here.  This isn’t the best bit of it all––just want to remind myself to look up the work Isabella Stewart Gardner the younger, and also Busby is my buddy IRL.

GERALD BUSBY: There were rooms kept aside for black-sheep children from rich families, who paid Stanley to babysit. The most auspicious of these was Isabella Stewart Gardner’s grandniece, who had the same name: Isabella Stewart Gardner. She was an excellent poet—a poet laureate of New York in the 70s—and married to Allen Tate. She was also mad as a hatter, a total masochist, alcoholic. She’d get drunk and meet someone and he’d take her up to her apartment and fuck her and beat her up and steal something, and then she was totally happy.”

So after I get over my sadness that I didn’t get to work on this project, I open up my latest issue of Harper’s  and what do I find there but a cover story by Rich about a dude who INFILTRATES CULTS, which I would a) love to do and b) have planned on pitching a reality show series about for ages.  This guy has all the motherfucking luck.

Oh, and in case you haven’t gotten this already, I don’t actually hate Nathaniel Rich even a little.  He seems like a good dude and an excellent writer, and I think if you can milk nepotism, why not take advantage?  I’m just jealous of his subject matter, obviously.

Did Not Get Held Hostage for Drug Money

October 9, 2013

So I’ve been hanging with FARC for the past ten days, and it seems I’ve missed a lot of stuff!  But you guys didn’t, because the number of hits on my blog has gone up dramatically despite the fact that this may have been the longest stretch I’ve gone without posting in… eesh, five years?  There is something afoot in e-ville.

I will not promise a long lyrical piece on my trip to Colombia because I did that after I went to Iceland and it backfired (read: I never did it) and also I am probably going to be writing about a facet of the trip for a magazine and, well, some wells are just likely to dry out faster than others.  I might post a picture or two.  Try not to die of excitement waiting for them.

What happened while I was gone?  Let’s see, the government shut down, which made me feel like I was going to return to a land in turmoil and yet customs at JFK was breezier than it has ever been in my traveling experience, the NYPD found Baby Hope’s mom (and I managed to instantaneously relate it to an episode of SVU), and all of NYC is creaming themselves over Banksy.  The last of these things I’ve decided I’m not going to spend much time freaking out about.

No sooner had my plane landed than I considered dashing past passport check and boarding the next plane to anywhere.  Transylvania, maybe?

INSIDE ZONE TRANSYLVANIA RESIDENCY

http://www.insidezone.eu — The Transylvania’s artist residency InSide Zone will start on 4th of May. It will last two weeks but artists may decide to stay longer. The residency is in the area of Carpathian mountains, in Borsec town, Romania. The upper town, once a famous spa in Austro-Hungarian empire is now “beautiful in its own ruins” and still seems to be an ideal place for inspiration and art. It strongly remembers the landscape of Andrei Tarkovsky’s movie, The Stalker, and the mysterious Zone. Interested writers and artists may apply by email sending their bio and samples of work. At the end of residency between 15 to 17 of May the yearly poetry and arts festival will be organized in the town. The residency’s participants may be involved in it if the work they produced during their stay is related with Zone, Borsec town, the area etc. Email transylvanianresidency@gmail.com for details.

BLAH

September 25, 2013

I don’t know why but I’m really relating to this two-headed sheep right now.

Forgot the artist's name so fuck off.

Forgot the artist’s name so fuck off.

Anna Nicole, The Opera

September 24, 2013

Hated by New York Magazine and beloved by yours truly, Anna Nicole has been the biggest ticket in town since… well, Tuesday.  Herewith, the synopsis of Act I.  I won’t give away the ending, I promise!

Scene Zero: A three-bar overture

Scene One: America Sings

Anna is introduced.  She is fabulous.  And eccentric.  Fabulously eccentric.

Scene Two: “No! It’s Mu-hay-uh!”

Anna establishes one thing: she was born in a town called Mexia, pronounced “Mu-HAY-ah.”  This phonetic problem is the town’s main claim to fame and is incorporated in the town’s motto: “A great place no matter how you pronounce it!”  Anna wants out.  Big time!

Scene Three: “Hey We’re Family!”

We meet the family: most importantly, Anna’s mother, Virgie, and her son, Daniel.  Mom Virgie frowns at Anna’s life but her heart always melts for the cataclysmically cute Daniel.  Daniel is the love of Anna’s life.  The Lawyer Stern is momentarily introduced and then pushed off stage.  Anna, divorced and broke, heads for the bright lights of Houston.  Faced with the prospect of low-wage jobs and grunt work, Anna chooses an alternative route.

Scene Four: Falling in Loath Again

Anna enters the world of the “Gentlemen’s Club.”  The earning potential is vast.  All cash, no IRS.  But there is a problem…

Scene Five: Life Implants

Problem solved: breast implants.  Up side: more attention, more cash.  Down side: chronic back pain for the rest of her life.  On returning to the Gentlemen’s Club, Anna soars.  And she meets the holy of holies: the Rich One.  We meet the oilman, J. Howard Marshall II.  Marshall falls under her spell.  He wants Anna.  He takes Anna.  Her life is transformed.  She asks for a ranch.  But… there ain’t no such thing as a free ranch.

Scene Six: American Dreaming

Anna gets the ranch but it didn’t come for free.  The world opens up for Anna.  With the prospect of unlimited cash, she seethes with ambition.

Scene Seven: Marriage in the White Dove Chapel

Anna marries J. Howard Marshall II.  Virgie (Mom) explodes with rage and disgust.  No one listens.  The Lawyer Stern gives Anna his card.  Daniel brings Anna her pills and she looks forward to a life of wealth––and chronic back pain.

Shouts & Murmurs

September 23, 2013

The latest (I think?) Shouts & Murmurs was hilarious.  I had to read the below first question several times to figure out which one of the characters was me.

1. Julie has published two novels and is engaged; Lisa works two jobs and her landlord won’t let her buy a cat. Lisa feels __________ of her former roommate.

(a) proud

(b) begrudging

(c) covetous

(d) resentful

(e) blind rage at the thought of attending the wedding.

A Tweet

September 18, 2013

I’m going to start a lo-fi band and call it Lucite Bathtub.

Another Bullshit Post

September 18, 2013

Whatever Wednesday!

Even though I now know that the moon doesn’t cause psychosis, I still want this phases of the moon cuff.

I'll send you my shipping address.

I’ll send you my shipping address.

Invitation

September 17, 2013

My former boss is hosting a goat roast.  Ever received an invite to a goat roast?  Me neither!  Here’s what it looks like:

“As a result of experience I had in European Latin countries, and conversations that D and I have had on the subject of meats that one can grill, we’ve decided jointly to grill and barbeque a goat and organize a dish which the Italians or the Spanish call cabrito.

“We’ve already started some research with specialty butchers and instructional information respecting Latino methodology. We’ve decided for all sorts of culinary reasons not to go the spit method, although it has its charms. We’ve loaded things against ourselves as the route we’re going takes 7 hours to do as perfectly as we have planned.

The date and venue are as follows:

Date: Saturday September 28th with a rain date – only if it looks like it will pour – of Sunday September 29th.

Time: 1:30PM

“There will of course be Hudson Valley imbibements. Right now we’re working on some home brew. Please come and, since we are the most organized of people, let us know pretty damn quick as the goat has to be pre-ordered. We’re planning on a Hudson Valley goat for those interested in these recondite subjects.

“Goat cheese is de rigeur, but not goat’s milk… which would not be kosher! (Neither would goat cheese but we are not an Orthodox group).

“There will be some veg alternatives.

“Any dessert will be gratefully accepted, since D and I, this time, will be too busy for our normal baking specialties (pumpkins not accepted despite the season).

“Partners in any combination and of any description more than okay, with a limit of two per, since xx Something Street was voted the Most Decent Location in the Hudson Valley in the 2012 December Issue of Hudson Valley Magazine (copies available on request).

“Please do let us know.”