We will also be celebrating the release of the DSM-V, which happened just a short while ago! It’s a new dawn, ladies and gentleman (and Aspies!)
ALSO
June 3, 2013EVERYBODY IS INVITED
June 3, 2013So just as an FYI to my 10 devoted readers, whom I LOVE (yes, that’s you), this is my 1000TH BLOG POST! OMG B”H YES I AM GREAT! So my beloved boyfriend is throwing me a party to celebrate the fact that I am diligent as hell (though a Luddite, and horrendous self-promoter.) If you are reading this right now, then you are INVITED! There will be snacks, OTD Hasidim and tears shed over the canceling of Intervention; there will not be people riding bicycles on the sidewalk or celebrities who have been to rehab for “exhaustion.” Details below.
PLACE: The Brooklyn Inn––148 Hoyt Street @ Bergen
TIME: 7:30, Thursday, June 6th
BRING: Whatever/whomever you want
WHY YOU SHOULD COME: Because I heart you, I might buy you a drink and my parents are coming and if no one else comes they will think I have no friends and I will be embarrassed
UPDATE: I realized I used the word “devoted” twice in the first two sentences. #thingsthatcausemeshame.
Met Ball
May 29, 2013I meant to do this ages ago, but um, just forgot. Below is my under-one-sentence analysis of everyone photographed for the Cut’s slideshow. I sent this to a few friends who asked what I thought of the get-ups, and they often responded with thinly-veiled concern. “So… how’s work going these days?’
1. Beyonce –– meh
2. Anne Hathaway –– nice, but so obviously trying to shed her good girl image
3. Gisele –– a little more South Beach than punk but she looks fine as always
4. Gwyneth –– I hate that I don’t hate this
5. Anna Wintour –– boring
6. Rooney Mara –– I usually like her shtick (even though it is shtick) and I think this is topical
7. Lauren Santo Domingo –– sure
8. Kimye –– wake me when these two are done-so
9. Nicki Minaj –– I never signed on for her, so I refuse to comment
10. Katie Holmes –– only nod to punk is her faux-hawk. Otherwise it’s a little too diaphanous. It looks like something from Intermix.
11. Dakota Fanning –– I like
12. Joan Smalls –– I like
13. Kirsten Dunst –– I like but I don’t know if I’d call it PUNK
14. Madonna –– I have been over her for at least ten years
15. MKO –– hm… weird, as usual, not exactly punk but a little laissez-faire, so I’m in!
16. SJP –– I appreciate that hat more than I can say
17. Lena Dunham –– really don’t care
18. Giovanna Bataglia –– could have lost the choker
19. Miley Cyrus –– A for effort
20. Donatella Versace –– I don’t even know what she was wearing because I navigated away quickly bc her face scares me
21. Psy –– memes are invited?
22. Ashley Olsen –– I hate orange, but it’s pretty, but it’s not punk
23. Linda Evangelista –– she looks like Cinderella, and I do not mean that as a compliment
24. Maggie Gyllenhaal –– boring
25. the Courtins sisters –– look like particularly unfashionable Russian femme bots
26. Claire Danes –– looks exactly the same as she always does
27. Jessica Seinfeld –– she’s a hot mom.
28. Zachary Quinto –– punky!
29. Julianne Moore –– kinda cool? she’s awesome, so I’ll give it to her
30. John Demsey –– I have no idea who this is
31. Emily Blunt –– aw, she looks happy and she’s wearing pink eyeshadow! Well done
32. Leelee Sobieski –– I haven’t decided if I’m okay with her being famous again
33. Jennifer Lawrence –– for once, I’m not 100% on her
34. Jennifer Lopez –– very J. Lo, not at all punk
35. Plum Skyes –– looks like a curtain
36. Kristin Stewart –– enormously unflattering
37. Rita Ora –– I can’t figure out what’s coming out of the back of her dress
38. Eve –– very ornate, I’m into it
39. Andrew Bevan –– I’m not evaluating people I’ve never heard of
40. Jessica Pare –– I’m intrigued. It’s daring but not campy. [ed note: upon realizing she was wearing pants, I quickly recanted my approval]
41. Emma Watson –– misses the mark
42. Kathryn Neale Shaffer –– who is this? She’s kind of scary looking
43. Miguel –– just because you stick out your tongue does not mean you are punk
44. Cameron Diaz –– I like it, in theory. It’s kind of unflattering but cool.
45. Elizabeth Banks –– I hate it but I get why she chose it
46. Carine Roitfeld –– I just don’t fucking know
47. Mindy Kaling –– she looks cute! But not punk
48. Gwen Stefani –– I very much approve of this
49. Rosie Huntington-Whitely –– I’m a sucker for anything avian-themed
50. Nikolaj –– boys’ clothes are boring
51. Jamie Campbell and Lily Collins –– this made me smile!
52. Dree Hemingway –– I like it but I would have tweaked a few things (her hair for one)
53. Ashley Greene –– boring (I mean her, not the dress… the dress too, but she’s the bigger nonentity)
54. Jessica Biel –– cool in theory, make it look like she has cankles
55. Kerry Washington –– her smallness freaks me out
56. Sienna Miller –– a role she was born to play
57. Marky Ramone –– was he invited because he’s a Ramone?
58. Zandra Rhodes –– appropriate
59. Naomie Harris –– Pretty I guess?
60. Karolina Kurkova –– Sure?
61. Taylor Swift –– this must have been really hard for her. Good try!
62. Nicole Richie –– HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!
63. Diane Von Furstenberg –– looks the same as she always does
64. Christina Ricci –– well done but her stance reminds me of Betsy Johnson?
65. Stacy Keibler –– I’m outraged she was invited and I was not
66. Kate Upton –– Palm Beach Barbie
67. Karlie Kloss –– very pretty, not at all punk
68. Liya Kebede –– no opinion
69. Chelsea Clinton –– more politics than prose
70. Marion Cotillard –– I like it, it’s interesting, it’s not the best I’ve seen
71. Florence Welch –– duh
72. Miranda Kerr –– just because your clothing has cut outs doesn’t mean it’s punk
73. Michelle Williams –– black tie pixie
74. Olivia Wilde –– kinda cool. I know I just knocked Kerr for this but this cut-out is interesting.
75. Alicia Keyes –– predictable
76. Tory Burch –– didn’t even try
77. Lala Anthony –– I have nothing
78. Uma Thurman –– weird in a good way (I think)
79. Hilary Rhoda –– pants! well done
80. Jessica Alba –– snooze
81. Kate Beckinsale –– looks the SAME AS SHE ALWAYS DOES
82. Tim Minchin –– who is this?
83. Coco Rocha –– well played Coco!
84. Brian Atwood –– boy
85. Christopher Walsh –– boy
86. Nora Zehetner –– this is more an Bombay Nights theme
87. Stella McCartney –– can’t tell from this picture
88. Debbie Harry–– hahaha amazing
89. Emilia Clarke –– she looks hot but ___ (see stock complaint below)
90. Tyson Beckford –– bitch please
91. Jessica Hart –– I approve
92. Allison Williams –– YES nice job!
93. Renee Zellweger –– Reminds me of a spiderweb
94. The Family Hilfiger –– Trying too hard
95. Skarsgard –– boy
96. Lily Aldridge and Caleb Followill –– not trying at all
97. Carey Mulligan –– I’m a sucker for her. Not bad?
98. Elizabeth Chambers and Armie Hammer –– I don’t know who these people are
99. Ziyi Zhang –– same as always
100. Greta Gerwig –– she annoys me
101. Hilaria –– boring
102. Alexa Chung –– very Chungy but nice
103. January Jones –– she looks like a FREAK and I love it!
104. Anja Rubik –– see comment re: Elizabeth Banks
105. Bee Shaffer –– I bet it hurt her to have her nails painted black
106. Kylie Minogue –– nice, but not punk
107. Ginnifer Goodwin –– well played
108. Tiger and Lindsay –– STFU
109. Emma Roberts –– meh
110. Elle Fanning –– A little more 70s Hair than punk
111. Blake Lively –– what’s a level of enthusiasm below meh?
112. Katy Perry –– this is literally the only time I haven’t loathed her
113. Dylan Lauren –– she looks like a real housewife. Is she one?
114. Minka Kelly –– thoughtful
115. Lauren Lauren –– black and lace, works on others, but I can tell she’s faking it
116. Julie Macklow –– who is this?
117. Heidi Klum –– I hate it when people don’t even try to meet the theme
118. Hailee Steinfeld –– YES subtle and pretty but still edgy
119. Selby Drummond –– we went to camp together. Why is she there?
120. Emmy Rossum –– is that a bird’s nest on her head?
121. Aubrey Plaza –– confused
122. Amanda Seyfried –– if it’s punky that must be in the front
123. Kate Mara –– are those tassels?
124. Solange –– can not go to themed things because she’s too SOLANGEY
125. Andy Cohen –– no
126. Carolyn Murphy –– black with lace and feathers and somehow not punk
127. Fran Leibowitz –– excellent
128. Jaime King –– nicely done
129. Michelle Dockery –– okay
130. Nina Dobrev –– somehow this strikes me as more Shakira than punk
131. Chloe Sevigny –– made me laugh, which I consider a triumph (punk is funny!)
132. Amber Heard –– very pretty = epic fail
133. Bella Heathcote –– she doesn’t look like a real person
134. Julianne Hough –– meh
135. Sam Gainsbury –– good effort, but who is this?
136. Kelly Osbourne and beau –– this wasn’t hard for htem
137. Gerard Butler –– boy
138. Doutzen Kroes –– I get it
139. Sebastian Stan –– whatever
140. Felicity Jones –– could have tried harder
141. Sofia Coppola –– hilarious, love it
142. Victor Cruz & Lady –– meh
143. Cara Crowley –– horrible
144. Alexis Welch and man –– good for her! effort AND she’s pregnant
145. Anne Vincent –– overgrown debutante
146. Constance Jablonski –– nice!
147. Sandra Lee –– …
148. Megan Salt and Nancy Chilton –– I guess these are getting less famous/well-styled as the list goes on
149. Ivanka Trump –– fail
150. Hayley Bloomingdale –– meh
151. Giuliana Rancic –– meh
152. Jennifer Morrison –– I approve actually
153. Redgrave ladies –– hits and misses
Stock complaint: most women wore pretty dresses and one crucifix earring, or black nailpolish and Givenchy. I think someone should have pierced their tongue solely for the occasion.
FINAL NOTE: I just realized today that Sienna Miller’s NAILS WERE SPIKED! Way to go.
ouch.
Found Text
May 28, 2013It’s amazing what one will find while packing up to move! I had the fortune of stumbling across a piece of a Time Warner Cable bill upon which my college bestie composed a number of haikus for me. It’s at least five years old and the ink is barely readable, but I was able to draw on memory to reconstruct them. Below is my favorite:
Meet my wife Tammy
She cleans the house and pops pills
More potatoes, dear?
HASIDIC PHOTO BOMB
May 23, 2013From the Guardian article about the Belz wedding in Yerushalayim:
SUP FROM THE BITCHES’ SECTION
LET’S PLAY A GAME
May 22, 2013I will take you out for a drink if you can guess who wrote the below. No Googling, please! Send answers to Siobhan, itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com.
“As for minute joys: as I was saying: do you realize the illicit sensuous delight I get from picking my nose? I always have, ever since I was a child –– there are so many subtle variations of sensation. A delicate, pointed-nailed fifth finger can catch under dry scabs and flakes of mucous [in the nostril and draw them out to be looked at, crumbled between fingers, and flicked to the floor in minute crusts. How many desks and chairs have I thus secretly befouled since childhood? Or something there will be blood mingled with the mucous; in dry brown scabs, or bright sudden wet red on the finger that scraped too rudely in the nasal membranes. God, what a sexual satisfaction! It is absorbing to look with new sudden eyes on the old worn habits: to see a sudden luxurious and pestilential ‘snot-green sea,’ and shiver with a shock of recognition.”
Fashion Icon
May 22, 2013
STOP IT!
Neil Patrick Harris’ daughter, Harper. (Gideon looks great, too.)
So This Gives Me Freedom to Write a Snarky Cover Letter, Yes?
May 21, 2013Hipsters Wanted
| Publication or Company | Pavone |
| Industry | Advertising Agency |
| Benefits | Dental, Health |
| Job Duration | Full Time |
| Job Location | Harrisburg, PA |
| Experience Level | 5 years |
| Job Requirements | We’re Pavone, a Central PA multi-channel branding firm, meaning we’re outside New York and DC so we don’t have Hipsters. All we have is an office with major clients, real opportunities and easy commutes.Hipsters with proven Dumbo experience preferred. Fixies and full sleeves a plus. Minimum two years’ mustache and/or bangs experience. Should be fluent in sarcasm and upper-middle-class terminology.
Truth be told, we already have mustaches and fixies and irony, but none of us are actual Hipsters. Then again, Hipsters never admit they’re Hipsters. Either way we need a few according to our new biz guy, who’s been leading us to lots of wins, so he’s getting what he wants apparently. PM your link and salary reqs to @PavoneFood or jportzline@pavone.net |
| About Our Company | Pavone is an integrated advertising agency specializing in food and beverage marketing. Pavone works with national and international clientele including StarKist, Turkey Hill Dairy, Campbell’s Soup Company, The Hershey Company, D.G. Yuengling & Son, Fulton Financial Corporation and Mount Nittany Medical Center. |
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| via Mediabistro.com | |
FOUND IT
May 21, 2013A while ago––I know now it must have been 2010––I read an article in the Times about a rundown mansion in the Hudson Valley (I thought that was it) that housed the eccentric members of a blue blooded American family and their various guests and tenants. The house sounded like a bohemian dream, sheltered from the outside world by hundreds of acres and the thick atmospheric padding of centuries of history. I wanted so badly to write to the inhabitants there and ask if I could come stay a while, but I quickly forgot all of the important details of the piece, namely the family’s patronymic, where the house was, exactly, and what they called the house. I searched on the Times with every weak combination I could think of, usually a combination of “bohemian,” “family,” “mansion,” “Hudson.” Of course, I got nothing.
Then yesterday I was sitting in Union Station in Washington DC, painfully full of steak and feeling inexplicably melancholy (considering I’ve been in relatively high spirits as of late.) I started to read the latest Smithsonian magazine and almost tossed it aside, as I felt plagued by an old jealousy of the writers whose work was featured, and the fascinating, productive people they profiled. But I idly skipped to the book review section at the end, and found a review of a forthcoming memoir from HarperCollins entitled Astor Orphan. Below, a description via HC’s website:
The Astor Orphan begins in Alexandra Aldrich’s tenth summer, at the moment when her father returns home with an alluring Frenchwoman. The interloper sets into motion a series of familial feuds and disasters that unmoor the last remnants of Alexandra’s family life.
But as Alexandra reveals, the origins of her family’s disintegration can be traced back to the Gilded Age when the greater Astor legacy began to come undone, leaving the Aldrich branch virtually penniless and squabbling over what little was left.
Alexandra grew up in the servants’ quarters of Rokeby, the family’s beautiful mansion, foraging for her next meal, battling for dominance with her wealthier first cousins, and striving to get her pathologically distracted parents to take care of her. Amid the chaos and squalor of the household, the young girl, forced by circumstances to become wise beyond her years, rose promptly at 6:30 each morning, adhering to a strict schedule of exercise, cleanliness, and intensive violin practice that imposed order on her anarchic world.
Illustrated with sixteen pages of black-and-white photographs that bring this faded world into focus, The Astor Orphan is Alexandra Aldrich’s heartrending story-a memoir of staggering power with the unflinching pathos and grit of The Glass Castle and the faded glory and madness of Grey Gardens.
Of course! Rokeby! I immediately went back and found the original article and was entranced anew. (Aldrich is a convert to Orthodox Judaism!) Now the only things left to do are:
1. Decide whether or not to purchase the book––doesn’t sound like my usual fare, but it’s gotten very good reviews, and I do freaking love Grey Gardens
2. Find the street address for Rokeby (I came close; it’s possible they have no mailbox.)
3. Think of a good excuse to visit/stay for a vacation, and write to ask them if I can come.
Someone Go and Report Back
May 18, 2013***** Also on SATURDAY *****
Feeling Gloomy
Feeling Gloomy NYC trudges mournfully onward. We may have had thrown a gigantic party upon our return to NYC last month, but that doesn’t really make us happy. No, the skies are still gray, and we still wear black on the outside because black is how we feel on the inside.
That said, we hope you will come join us in our misery once again at the world’s only party devoted to sad music. We will very mournfully wheel around the dancefloor to our favorite songs. Hankies are not required, but strongly encouraged.
Feeling Gloomy, the world’s only dance party devoted to sad music, has returned to NYC. The night has been taken on by brothers grim Gordon and Nathaniel Gloom who promise you more downbeat BPMs than you can handle. They will be joined by DJ Grim Reaper who really does look like death.
Smuggled over from the Gloomy old UK (where its now 7 years old) it has thrived in the land of the free, bringing great, gloomy, British tunes to the good ole US of A for over three years now. The boys will be rifling through their record collections to select anything from the Cure to Dolly Parton. As long as the lyrics are gloomy and you can dance to it, it may well be thrown down. Don’t forget if it’s your birthday you will get the chance to come up and blow out the candles on the cake as the crowd sing Unhappy Birthday and commiserate with you for being another year nearer the grave. So come on New York. Join Feeling Gloomy in its new home and put on your red shoes to dance those blues. Dress to depress.
Grand Victory
245 Grand Street, between Driggs and Roebling, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
11p- 4a; $6 door
