His mother and I are going through a trial separation
I drink too much
We made him watch The Holy Mountain
The creepy neighbor babysat
I forgot him at Epcot Center
We’re vegan
Childhood-onset Bipolar Disorder
Fuck You, Woody Allen
June 5, 2013After falling in love with Annie Hall in college, as college sophomores living in NYC are wont to do, I remained a die-hard Woody fan for a good stretch of time, until finally, over the course of the past four years, I’ve sunk into the realization that I fucking hate Woody Allen. My reasons for coming to loathe Woody are so cliched and varied that I won’t list them here; instead, I will quote from Joan Didion’s 1979 dissent in The New York Review of Books:
“‘Overeducation’ is something Woody Allen seems to discern more often than the rest of us might. ‘I know so many people who are well-educated and super-educated,’ he told an interviewer for Time recently. ‘Their common problem is that they have no understanding and no wisdom; without that, their education can only take them so far.’ In other words they have problems with their ‘relationships,’ they have failed to ‘work through’ the material of their lives with a trained evaluator, they have yet to perfect the quality of their emotional consumption. Wisdom is hard to find. Happiness takes research. The message that large numbers of people are getting from Manhattan and Interiors and Annie Hall is that this kind of emotional shopping around is the proper business of life’s better students, that adolescence can now extend to middle age. Not long ago I shared, for three nights, a hospital room with a young woman named Linda. I was being watched for appendicitis and was captive to Linda’s telephone conversations, which were constant. Linda had two problems, only one of which, her ‘relationship,’ had her attention. Linda spoke constantly about this relationship, about her ‘needs,’ about her ‘partner,’ about the ‘quality of his nurturance,’ about the ‘low frequency of his interaction.’ Linda’s other problem, one which tried her patience because it was preventing her from working on her relationship, was acute and unexplained renal failure. ‘I’m not relating to this just now,’ she said to her doctor when he tried to discuss continuing dialysis.
“You could call that ‘overeducation,’ or you could call it one more instance of ‘people constantly creating these real unnecessary neurotic problems for themselves that keep them from dealing with more terrifying unsolvable problems about the universe,’ or you could call it something else. Woody Allen often tells interviewers that his original title for Annie Hall was ‘Anhedonia,’ which is a psychoanalytic term meaning the inability to experience pleasure. Wanting to call a picture ‘Anhedonia’ is ‘cute,’ and implies that the auteur and his audience share a superiority to those jocks who need to ask what it means. Superior people suffer. ‘My emptiness set in a year ago,’ Diane Keaton is made to say in Interiors. ‘What do I care if a handful of my poems are read after I’m dead…is that supposed to be some compensation?’ (The notion of compensation for dying is novel.)
“Most of us remember very well these secret signals and sighs of adolescence, remember the dramatic apprehension of our own mortality and other ‘more terrifying unsolvable problems about the universe,’ but eventually we realize that we are not the first to notice that people die. ‘Even with all the distractions of my work and my life,’ Woody Allen was quoted as saying in a cover story (the cover line was ‘Woody Allen Comes of Age’) in Time, ‘I spend a lot of time face to face with my own mortality.’ This is actually the first time I have ever heard anyone speak of his own life as a ‘distraction.'”
ALSO
June 3, 2013We will also be celebrating the release of the DSM-V, which happened just a short while ago! It’s a new dawn, ladies and gentleman (and Aspies!)
EVERYBODY IS INVITED
June 3, 2013So just as an FYI to my 10 devoted readers, whom I LOVE (yes, that’s you), this is my 1000TH BLOG POST! OMG B”H YES I AM GREAT! So my beloved boyfriend is throwing me a party to celebrate the fact that I am diligent as hell (though a Luddite, and horrendous self-promoter.) If you are reading this right now, then you are INVITED! There will be snacks, OTD Hasidim and tears shed over the canceling of Intervention; there will not be people riding bicycles on the sidewalk or celebrities who have been to rehab for “exhaustion.” Details below.
PLACE: The Brooklyn Inn––148 Hoyt Street @ Bergen
TIME: 7:30, Thursday, June 6th
BRING: Whatever/whomever you want
WHY YOU SHOULD COME: Because I heart you, I might buy you a drink and my parents are coming and if no one else comes they will think I have no friends and I will be embarrassed
UPDATE: I realized I used the word “devoted” twice in the first two sentences. #thingsthatcausemeshame.
Met Ball
May 29, 2013I meant to do this ages ago, but um, just forgot. Below is my under-one-sentence analysis of everyone photographed for the Cut’s slideshow. I sent this to a few friends who asked what I thought of the get-ups, and they often responded with thinly-veiled concern. “So… how’s work going these days?’
1. Beyonce –– meh
2. Anne Hathaway –– nice, but so obviously trying to shed her good girl image
3. Gisele –– a little more South Beach than punk but she looks fine as always
4. Gwyneth –– I hate that I don’t hate this
5. Anna Wintour –– boring
6. Rooney Mara –– I usually like her shtick (even though it is shtick) and I think this is topical
7. Lauren Santo Domingo –– sure
8. Kimye –– wake me when these two are done-so
9. Nicki Minaj –– I never signed on for her, so I refuse to comment
10. Katie Holmes –– only nod to punk is her faux-hawk. Otherwise it’s a little too diaphanous. It looks like something from Intermix.
11. Dakota Fanning –– I like
12. Joan Smalls –– I like
13. Kirsten Dunst –– I like but I don’t know if I’d call it PUNK
14. Madonna –– I have been over her for at least ten years
15. MKO –– hm… weird, as usual, not exactly punk but a little laissez-faire, so I’m in!
16. SJP –– I appreciate that hat more than I can say
17. Lena Dunham –– really don’t care
18. Giovanna Bataglia –– could have lost the choker
19. Miley Cyrus –– A for effort
20. Donatella Versace –– I don’t even know what she was wearing because I navigated away quickly bc her face scares me
21. Psy –– memes are invited?
22. Ashley Olsen –– I hate orange, but it’s pretty, but it’s not punk
23. Linda Evangelista –– she looks like Cinderella, and I do not mean that as a compliment
24. Maggie Gyllenhaal –– boring
25. the Courtins sisters –– look like particularly unfashionable Russian femme bots
26. Claire Danes –– looks exactly the same as she always does
27. Jessica Seinfeld –– she’s a hot mom.
28. Zachary Quinto –– punky!
29. Julianne Moore –– kinda cool? she’s awesome, so I’ll give it to her
30. John Demsey –– I have no idea who this is
31. Emily Blunt –– aw, she looks happy and she’s wearing pink eyeshadow! Well done
32. Leelee Sobieski –– I haven’t decided if I’m okay with her being famous again
33. Jennifer Lawrence –– for once, I’m not 100% on her
34. Jennifer Lopez –– very J. Lo, not at all punk
35. Plum Skyes –– looks like a curtain
36. Kristin Stewart –– enormously unflattering
37. Rita Ora –– I can’t figure out what’s coming out of the back of her dress
38. Eve –– very ornate, I’m into it
39. Andrew Bevan –– I’m not evaluating people I’ve never heard of
40. Jessica Pare –– I’m intrigued. It’s daring but not campy. [ed note: upon realizing she was wearing pants, I quickly recanted my approval]
41. Emma Watson –– misses the mark
42. Kathryn Neale Shaffer –– who is this? She’s kind of scary looking
43. Miguel –– just because you stick out your tongue does not mean you are punk
44. Cameron Diaz –– I like it, in theory. It’s kind of unflattering but cool.
45. Elizabeth Banks –– I hate it but I get why she chose it
46. Carine Roitfeld –– I just don’t fucking know
47. Mindy Kaling –– she looks cute! But not punk
48. Gwen Stefani –– I very much approve of this
49. Rosie Huntington-Whitely –– I’m a sucker for anything avian-themed
50. Nikolaj –– boys’ clothes are boring
51. Jamie Campbell and Lily Collins –– this made me smile!
52. Dree Hemingway –– I like it but I would have tweaked a few things (her hair for one)
53. Ashley Greene –– boring (I mean her, not the dress… the dress too, but she’s the bigger nonentity)
54. Jessica Biel –– cool in theory, make it look like she has cankles
55. Kerry Washington –– her smallness freaks me out
56. Sienna Miller –– a role she was born to play
57. Marky Ramone –– was he invited because he’s a Ramone?
58. Zandra Rhodes –– appropriate
59. Naomie Harris –– Pretty I guess?
60. Karolina Kurkova –– Sure?
61. Taylor Swift –– this must have been really hard for her. Good try!
62. Nicole Richie –– HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!
63. Diane Von Furstenberg –– looks the same as she always does
64. Christina Ricci –– well done but her stance reminds me of Betsy Johnson?
65. Stacy Keibler –– I’m outraged she was invited and I was not
66. Kate Upton –– Palm Beach Barbie
67. Karlie Kloss –– very pretty, not at all punk
68. Liya Kebede –– no opinion
69. Chelsea Clinton –– more politics than prose
70. Marion Cotillard –– I like it, it’s interesting, it’s not the best I’ve seen
71. Florence Welch –– duh
72. Miranda Kerr –– just because your clothing has cut outs doesn’t mean it’s punk
73. Michelle Williams –– black tie pixie
74. Olivia Wilde –– kinda cool. I know I just knocked Kerr for this but this cut-out is interesting.
75. Alicia Keyes –– predictable
76. Tory Burch –– didn’t even try
77. Lala Anthony –– I have nothing
78. Uma Thurman –– weird in a good way (I think)
79. Hilary Rhoda –– pants! well done
80. Jessica Alba –– snooze
81. Kate Beckinsale –– looks the SAME AS SHE ALWAYS DOES
82. Tim Minchin –– who is this?
83. Coco Rocha –– well played Coco!
84. Brian Atwood –– boy
85. Christopher Walsh –– boy
86. Nora Zehetner –– this is more an Bombay Nights theme
87. Stella McCartney –– can’t tell from this picture
88. Debbie Harry–– hahaha amazing
89. Emilia Clarke –– she looks hot but ___ (see stock complaint below)
90. Tyson Beckford –– bitch please
91. Jessica Hart –– I approve
92. Allison Williams –– YES nice job!
93. Renee Zellweger –– Reminds me of a spiderweb
94. The Family Hilfiger –– Trying too hard
95. Skarsgard –– boy
96. Lily Aldridge and Caleb Followill –– not trying at all
97. Carey Mulligan –– I’m a sucker for her. Not bad?
98. Elizabeth Chambers and Armie Hammer –– I don’t know who these people are
99. Ziyi Zhang –– same as always
100. Greta Gerwig –– she annoys me
101. Hilaria –– boring
102. Alexa Chung –– very Chungy but nice
103. January Jones –– she looks like a FREAK and I love it!
104. Anja Rubik –– see comment re: Elizabeth Banks
105. Bee Shaffer –– I bet it hurt her to have her nails painted black
106. Kylie Minogue –– nice, but not punk
107. Ginnifer Goodwin –– well played
108. Tiger and Lindsay –– STFU
109. Emma Roberts –– meh
110. Elle Fanning –– A little more 70s Hair than punk
111. Blake Lively –– what’s a level of enthusiasm below meh?
112. Katy Perry –– this is literally the only time I haven’t loathed her
113. Dylan Lauren –– she looks like a real housewife. Is she one?
114. Minka Kelly –– thoughtful
115. Lauren Lauren –– black and lace, works on others, but I can tell she’s faking it
116. Julie Macklow –– who is this?
117. Heidi Klum –– I hate it when people don’t even try to meet the theme
118. Hailee Steinfeld –– YES subtle and pretty but still edgy
119. Selby Drummond –– we went to camp together. Why is she there?
120. Emmy Rossum –– is that a bird’s nest on her head?
121. Aubrey Plaza –– confused
122. Amanda Seyfried –– if it’s punky that must be in the front
123. Kate Mara –– are those tassels?
124. Solange –– can not go to themed things because she’s too SOLANGEY
125. Andy Cohen –– no
126. Carolyn Murphy –– black with lace and feathers and somehow not punk
127. Fran Leibowitz –– excellent
128. Jaime King –– nicely done
129. Michelle Dockery –– okay
130. Nina Dobrev –– somehow this strikes me as more Shakira than punk
131. Chloe Sevigny –– made me laugh, which I consider a triumph (punk is funny!)
132. Amber Heard –– very pretty = epic fail
133. Bella Heathcote –– she doesn’t look like a real person
134. Julianne Hough –– meh
135. Sam Gainsbury –– good effort, but who is this?
136. Kelly Osbourne and beau –– this wasn’t hard for htem
137. Gerard Butler –– boy
138. Doutzen Kroes –– I get it
139. Sebastian Stan –– whatever
140. Felicity Jones –– could have tried harder
141. Sofia Coppola –– hilarious, love it
142. Victor Cruz & Lady –– meh
143. Cara Crowley –– horrible
144. Alexis Welch and man –– good for her! effort AND she’s pregnant
145. Anne Vincent –– overgrown debutante
146. Constance Jablonski –– nice!
147. Sandra Lee –– …
148. Megan Salt and Nancy Chilton –– I guess these are getting less famous/well-styled as the list goes on
149. Ivanka Trump –– fail
150. Hayley Bloomingdale –– meh
151. Giuliana Rancic –– meh
152. Jennifer Morrison –– I approve actually
153. Redgrave ladies –– hits and misses
Stock complaint: most women wore pretty dresses and one crucifix earring, or black nailpolish and Givenchy. I think someone should have pierced their tongue solely for the occasion.
FINAL NOTE: I just realized today that Sienna Miller’s NAILS WERE SPIKED! Way to go.
ouch.
Found Text
May 28, 2013It’s amazing what one will find while packing up to move! I had the fortune of stumbling across a piece of a Time Warner Cable bill upon which my college bestie composed a number of haikus for me. It’s at least five years old and the ink is barely readable, but I was able to draw on memory to reconstruct them. Below is my favorite:
Meet my wife Tammy
She cleans the house and pops pills
More potatoes, dear?
HASIDIC PHOTO BOMB
May 23, 2013From the Guardian article about the Belz wedding in Yerushalayim:
SUP FROM THE BITCHES’ SECTION
LET’S PLAY A GAME
May 22, 2013I will take you out for a drink if you can guess who wrote the below. No Googling, please! Send answers to Siobhan, itinerantdaughterandson@gmail.com.
“As for minute joys: as I was saying: do you realize the illicit sensuous delight I get from picking my nose? I always have, ever since I was a child –– there are so many subtle variations of sensation. A delicate, pointed-nailed fifth finger can catch under dry scabs and flakes of mucous [in the nostril and draw them out to be looked at, crumbled between fingers, and flicked to the floor in minute crusts. How many desks and chairs have I thus secretly befouled since childhood? Or something there will be blood mingled with the mucous; in dry brown scabs, or bright sudden wet red on the finger that scraped too rudely in the nasal membranes. God, what a sexual satisfaction! It is absorbing to look with new sudden eyes on the old worn habits: to see a sudden luxurious and pestilential ‘snot-green sea,’ and shiver with a shock of recognition.”
Fashion Icon
May 22, 2013
STOP IT!
Neil Patrick Harris’ daughter, Harper. (Gideon looks great, too.)
So This Gives Me Freedom to Write a Snarky Cover Letter, Yes?
May 21, 2013Hipsters Wanted
| Publication or Company | Pavone |
| Industry | Advertising Agency |
| Benefits | Dental, Health |
| Job Duration | Full Time |
| Job Location | Harrisburg, PA |
| Experience Level | 5 years |
| Job Requirements | We’re Pavone, a Central PA multi-channel branding firm, meaning we’re outside New York and DC so we don’t have Hipsters. All we have is an office with major clients, real opportunities and easy commutes.Hipsters with proven Dumbo experience preferred. Fixies and full sleeves a plus. Minimum two years’ mustache and/or bangs experience. Should be fluent in sarcasm and upper-middle-class terminology.
Truth be told, we already have mustaches and fixies and irony, but none of us are actual Hipsters. Then again, Hipsters never admit they’re Hipsters. Either way we need a few according to our new biz guy, who’s been leading us to lots of wins, so he’s getting what he wants apparently. PM your link and salary reqs to @PavoneFood or jportzline@pavone.net |
| About Our Company | Pavone is an integrated advertising agency specializing in food and beverage marketing. Pavone works with national and international clientele including StarKist, Turkey Hill Dairy, Campbell’s Soup Company, The Hershey Company, D.G. Yuengling & Son, Fulton Financial Corporation and Mount Nittany Medical Center. |
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| via Mediabistro.com | |
