You know your life has taken a turn for the fucking weird when you spend your morning trying to contact Jenna Jameson…
Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category
Desperately Seeking Former Porno Star
December 8, 2015Irritated/Funny List
December 7, 2015So I’ve been in a low-grade shitty mood since Saturday night because of thought plagiarism, as a general concept (not going to elaborate), and then I went to go purchase tickets to a Hanukkah concert and found my spirits lightened by the sheer number of title options available to your average British consumer. (Some of these are certainly included only because it’s a Jewish event, but still.)
Baron
Baroness
Captain
Chazan
Chief Rabbi
Cllr
Colonel
Commander
Dame
Dayan
Dr
Dr & Mrs
General
His Honour
Judge
Lady
Lord
Lt. Cdr
Major
It just occurred to me that there may have been more options, but I didn’t scroll down. Curses! *waves fists at sky*
ID Does the Headlines!
December 3, 2015Hello everyone! It’s time for everyone’s favorite game: when ID solves in one word the problems think-piece writers have labored over for hours for probably $100 a pop. I know what you’re thinking: “ID, things are complicated! Life is full of gray areas! Sometimes issues require 1200 words eked from the pen of a beleaguered aspiring journalist!” But now listen to me: no. No, they don’t. Understand?
Let’s begin!
New York Times Magazine: What Is It About Adele?
Answer: She has a good voice
The Memo: Quitting Facebook Boosts Happiness and Stops Loneliness: Should We Cut Free From Social Media?
Answer: Yes.
Slate: Should We Trust Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan to Donate Their Money Wisely?
Answer: Yes.
The Guardian: Is Ironing a Thing of the Past?
Answer: No.
Vogue.com: Are We Addicted to Stories About Internet Addiction?
Answer: “Addicted?” No.
Refinery29: Can Paper Magazine’s New Paris Hilton Cover Break the Internet?
Answer: No.
The Atlantic: Why Are There So Many Data Centers in Iowa?
Subtitle: “Networks, land, power, and taxes.”
Answer: So, uh, yeah, you answered your own question. Thanks for saving me some time.
Resolved
December 1, 2015Electromagnetic hypersensitivity is the new Morgellon’s Disease. Go!
Wait
November 23, 2015I was looking around Etsy (fucking sue me) for a gift the other day, and on the page that details the art categories, I noticed…

That’s a bowl, right? For weed? Is Etsy based in Portland, or is this the world we live in now? To be clear, I’m not upset about that, I just want to know so I am aware of what’s acceptable.
What Exactly Do You Mean by That?
November 18, 2015I normally don’t get in a tizzy about things like this, but what the fuck is a MANSIZE tissue?

My sneezes are just as important and deserve just as money as a man’s, thankyouverymuch.
So Many Conspiracy Theories
November 13, 2015And you know what’s at the center of them all? L. Ron.
So my husband suggested I read a Gawker/Jezebel article on a fancy Silver Lake, Los Angeles preschool’s insane drama (full text here.) Naturally I Google the direct link so as to avoid scrolling through the depressingly vacuous stories on both sites, but that’s neither here nor there. The Silver Lake preschool thing wasn’t exactly hard hitting––like, these aren’t problems, exactly––but was fascinating in a horrible sort of way. Apparently the school is run by an egomaniacal do-gooder (they exist) who also has her own IMDB page (it is LA, after all.) The past few years, she has lorded over Camelot Preschool (too easy) wearing Lululemon pants and a crown made of children’s tears (something like that.) She also has her own line of maternity clothing, which she advertises as having been worn by “Jenna Elfman, Matt Damon’s wife Luciana Barroso, John Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston, Gillian Anderson…” Notice anything fishy here? That’s right––Scientology. Nobody in Hollywood brings up Jenna Elfman and the Travolta family unless they’re prepared to be associated with everyone’s favorite thetan clearers. And if I may say so, her inflated self image seems like it would really fit well with the whole OT Supreme Being thing. As my husband said, “I almost want to comment and bring that up, but… I don’t care.” All I care about is going on the record, so that when it comes out that this bitch is a Scientologist, I can say, “We told you so.”*
*The “we” because this is really all thanks to my husband, who first pointed out the Scientology connection.
Terrible Game Tuesday
November 10, 2015Time for a new game: of these portraits of Victorian ladies, which ones were taken on psych wards and which ones are just, well, your average Victorian lady?






(I could have kept going for ages, for the record.)
Email Siobhan for the answers!
Is it just me
November 2, 2015or does this immediately strike you as gross?
Via the Guardian, which I really didn’t think was porn, but maybe I’m wrong?
PS In my dream last night, a book reviewer called me “chubby” and then I was so upset that they (reviewer and whatever publication they were attached to, I guess?) offered me $1.1 million. I was still upset, which should have been the clue that I was dreaming, because in real life I’d like be, “SO worth it!”
60%
October 27, 2015You know when nothing in your life is going right, and so you feel justified in lying around and feeling sorry for yourself, maybe eating ice cream and drinking beer before noon? (I once saw a guy in Vienna order that for breakfast, and I was in complete awe of him.) Well, sometimes I think that might be better than when things in your life are going decently––like, it’s 60% cool––so you have no real reason to complain, but also nothing spectacular or even mildly weird is going on, so you’re a little… bored, maybe? And you know it’s good––better to be bored than putting out fires left and right––but you can’t help but want to shake things up a little? Maybe by accepting an invite to smoke opium and head on over to a world music fest at the apartment of dark, deranged Dorian Gray.
“At another time he devoted himself entirely to music, and in a long latticed room, with a vermilion-and-gold ceiling and walls of olive-green lacquer, he used to give curious concerts, in which mad gypsies tore wild music from little zithers, or grave yellow-shawled Tunisians plucked at the strained strings of monstrous lutes, while grinning negroes beat monotonously upon copper drums, and, crouching upon upon scarlet mats, slim turbaned Indians blew through long pipes of reed or brass, and charmed, or feigned to charm, great hooded snakes and horrible horned adders. The harsh intervals and shrill discords of barbaric music stirred him at times when Schubert’s grace, and Chopin’s beautiful sorrows, and the mighty harmonies of Beethoven himself, fell unheeded on his ear. He collected together from all parts of the world the strangest instruments that could be found, either in the tombs of dead nations or among the few savage tribes that have survived contact with Western civilizations, and loved to touch and try them. He had the mysterious juruparis of the Rio Negro Indians, that women are not allowed to look at, and that even youths may not see till they have been subjected to fasting and scourging, and the earthen jars of the Peruvians that have the shrill cries of birds, and flutes of human bones such as Alfonso de Ovalle heard in Chili, and the sonorous green jaspers that are found near Cuzco and give forth a note of singular sweetness. He had painted gourds filled with pebbles that rattled when they were shaken; the long clarin of the Mexicans, into which the performer does not blow but through which he inhales the air; the harsh ture of the Amazon tribes, that is sounded by the sentinels who sit all day long in high trees, and can be heard, it is said, at a distance of three leagues; the teponaztli, that has two vibrating tongues of wood, and is beaten with sticks that are smeared with an elastic gum obtained from the milky juice of plants; the yotl-bells of the Aztecs, that are hung in clusters like grapes; and a huge cylindrical drum, covered with the skins of great serpents, like the one that Bernal Diaz saw when he went with Cortes into the Mexican temple, and of whose doleful sound he has left us so vivid a description. The fantastic character of these instruments fascinating him, and he felt a curious delight in the thought that Art, like Nature, has her monsters, things of bestial shape and with hideous voices. Yet, after some time, he wearied of them, and would sit in his box at the Opera, either alone or with Lord Henry, listening to rapt pleasure to Tannhauser, and seeing in the prelude to that great work of art a presentation of the tragedy of his own soul.”
This reminds me of the scene in I Heart Huckabees when that Spanish woman is singing a song about the drought that ravaged her community. Or about the time seven years ago when I wanted to ask a friend of a friend if her boyfriend, who was a Hare Krishna, could hold a be-in at our apartment. Now that friend of a friend is dead of a heroin overdose. Ain’t life absurd?
Postscript: Is it just me, or was Oscar Wilde crushing up pages of A Rebours and snorting them while writing The Picture of Dorian Gray?