Archive for the ‘Conspiracy Theories’ Category

Some Things

May 5, 2013

Just a couple of things I thought I ought to tell you today:

1. I had a nightmare that I was wearing pants in Borough Park and all the ladies were looking at me aghast.

2. I rode the bus next to a young man today who was telling someone on the phone about his friend who “runs an organic underwear washing business.”

3. I realize I missed a huge professional opportunity while reading The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath.  “[This] text is a an exact transcription of twenty-three original manuscripts in the Sylvia Plath Collection at Smith College in Northampton, Massachusetts.”  Granted, I was probably too young when this operation was going on, but let it be known that if there are handwritten journals of other poets who committed suicide out there that need to be typed up, I’m your woman.

BEST. SPAM. EVER

April 29, 2013

Simply by virtue of the “sender.”

—

Princess Diana Foundation

The County Hall,

Westminster Bridge Road,

London SE1 7PB United Kingdom

Dear Cash Grant Beneficiary,

The Princess Diana Foundation has awarded you a cash Grant/subvention of £1,500,000.00 GBP (One Million Five Hundred Thousand British Pounds) in a random selection programme involving 850,000 email addresses from shop’s cash invoices.

Kindly find below your Qualification Numbers:

Award Number: PD87276220645FN

Reference Tag Number: (PD-866-87F)

The Princess Diana Foundation is an independent grant-giving foundation established in September 1997 after the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, to continue her humanitarian work in the United Kingdom and overseas. We are a registered charity organization under the English law.

Our Mission: The main objective of this random selection program is to reach out to individuals outside the United Kingdom by empowering and making notable changes in the standard and quality of living worldwide following the present economic problems. The Prince Diana Foundation is supported and assisted by a Committee of Experts.

To receive your Cash Grant/subvention; you are required to quote your Full Names, Address and Telephone Numbers to our executive claims consultant Officer, Professor Daniel Christopher: claims@princessdianafoundation.org

Congratulations!!

Socorro Guimaraes

Online Cordinator

Overheard in SoHo

April 26, 2013

“I don’t care.  As long as it gets me out of the restaurant business, I don’t care.”

Hello?!

April 22, 2013

Has no one on the Internet yet made the connection that both the dude who taught his frat how to talk to Jewish ladies (Potential topic: “How terrible it was that you couldn’t eat bread during Passover (note: this is a week long holiday) last week”) AND the now infamous angry sorority girl (“Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES”) both attend the University of Maryland?

Question one: what’s in the water down there?

Question two: why hasn’t someone made a simcha for these two yet?

UPDATE: shidduch.  Duh.  #ashamedofmyself

Welcome to the World

April 15, 2013

“It’s like this.  I have been appointed judge in the penal colony.  In spite of my youth.  Because I assisted former commandant in all punishment-related issues, and also I have the best understanding of the machine.  My basis for deciding is this: guilt is always beyond doubt.”  ~guess

Diagnonsense

April 10, 2013

The piece on Vulture where a psychiatrist evaluates Don Draper reminded me that my friend and I wanted to start a blog a la the Composites where we’d diagnosis various literary and film characters with different mental disorders.  Here is a list of possible subjects, so far.  I don’t know why I bother with these caveats, as it’s not like they’re binding, but don’t steal my shit!  Or maybe I should say, a la Michael in Mad Men, “Whatever, I got a million great ideas.”

1. Scarlett O’Hara
2. Quentin Compson
3. Infinite Jest –– Hal Incandenza
4. Apocalypse Now –– Colonel Kurtz
5. Black Swan –– whatever Natalie Portman’s name is
6. Jan from The Office   (definitely Borderline)
7. Holly Golightly
8. George Costanza
9. Holden Caulfield
10. Christian Grey (50 Shades)
11. Heathcliff and Whatever her name is from Wuthering Heights (codependent)
12. Marla Singer from Fight Club
13. Withnail from Withnail and I   (depression, substance abuse disorder)
14. Isabelle Huppert’s character from The Piano Teacher
15. Job
16. A muppet?
17. Madame Bovary and/or Anna Karenina

Welcome Back, Neruda

April 9, 2013

Pablo Neruda’s body is being exhumed in Chile, and based on a picture of the scene in the Times, it appears there is a group of musicians playing.  How did they get there?  Were they hired?  And what did they play?  These are very important questions.

THE GREAT CONTROVERSY

April 9, 2013

I received a free promotional book here at my office titled as above, and it turns out it’s a seminal text of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, though that’s not indicated on the cover.  Perhaps they thought a reader would be turned off by such proselytizing, but they weren’t prepared for the likes of me!  The back matter makes it all sound so consequential!

“Unparalleled changes taking place around us forecast rapid and distressing events of the greatest magnitude.

“Already, in many hearts, there are sorrows and ills that no human balm seem able to heal.  In many places, there are restless and unsettled state of affairs, causing political and religious forces to forge unprecedented alliances.  And, wholly beyond the control of humanity, there are unregulated forces of nature which unleash calamities one after another in quick succession: earthquakes and tornadoes, destruction by fire and flood, often with great loss of life and property.

“Solemn and important, indeed, are the events taking place in our times.  But what do all these really mean?  Could these be warning signs, arousing us to some imminent danger?  What should be our role in the fast-approaching events soon to break upon the earth?

“The book in your hands provides definitive answers.  [ed note: eeeeee!] Drawing upon lessons from history as well as Bible prophecy, The Great Controversy reveals that the world is a theater of conflict.  The actors –– you and me –– are preparing to act our part in the last great drama.  And our choices and actions have a part to play in the outcome of this agelong struggle.

“You owe it to yourself to read this book.  For, ‘those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.'”

You had me at “ills that no human balm seem able to heal.”  Poetry!

In other news, I had an elaborate dream about the Counting the Omar Tumblr last night.

tumblr_inline_mkyjewzLth1qz4rgp

Not Much To Say

April 8, 2013

I haven’t written a lot lately because I haven’t had much to say, but my anxiety as neglecting the poor blog for more than five days got the better of me (I suppose I’m as much as a victim of the Internet culture as everyone else) and so now I’m here to… say nothing.  Some more.

1. Something keeping me going these days: the saga of Amanda Bynes.  What will she do next!?   I only know I want to join Twitter because one time she tweeted that if she isn’t following someone on Twitter, it means she hates them, and I just couldn’t live with myself if I thought Amanda Bynes hated me.

UPDATE based on Nicole’s comment: I do think that the reason her crash and burn is so fascinating is because there seems to be an organic (maybe) mental illness there, and therefore it’s a little sexier than the straight wild-child-deterioration narrative of Lindsay Lohan, let’s say.

2. While looking at reviews on Barnes & Noble for William Styron’s Darkness Visible, I came across this mildly disturbing one:

Anonymous

Posted October 16, 2003

dont think it

I’ve read alot of great children’s books such as Ella Enchanted, Destiny, Defender of the small, and The Time Warp Trio books, but I’ve never read a ‘sophisticated and grown up’ book before. I’m twelve, how else should I describe it? I do think this book is good. I had a hard time understanding what it meant at first, but later on I understood that no one who has not been afflicted with isnomnia will truly know the full depth of madness and emptiness that they feel. Styron, with intimate details, creates an illistration for us.

*What the fuck is a twelve-year-old, fresh off Ella Enchanted, doing picking up Styron’s memoir of depression?  WHERE WERE HER PARENTS!?

Because You Watched…

April 4, 2013

So I’ve been quite for a week (if only I were given such latitude in real life!) because I had THE FLU!  The dreaded flu.  And yes, it was horrible, and yes, I will never, ever eschew getting a flu shot again, but I did get to lie in bed and watch about 70 movies for four days, even though of the 70 movies I probably only finished about 10 due to sleepiness.  Oddly enough, my choice in movies while sick is very different from my choice in movies while well/sober.

Well: Preferably European art house with no discernible plot and only a vague moral about the meaninglessness of life

Sick: 90s American made by a big studio, preferably starring Julia Roberts

I know, embarrassing, but I tell you this because after watching a particular choice Roberts flick, I noticed that Netflix was offering me a very strange suggestion.  It said: “Because you watched Sleeping With the Enemy,” why not try:

Screen shot 2013-04-02 at 6.28.57 PM

which is really pretty hilarious, if you think about it.  Also, is that the real cover of the show’s DVDs or did Netflix employees, tasked with designing their own, just say, “Aw hell, fuck these people?”