Archive for the ‘I Hate Writing’ Category

I Have Officially “Made It” as a Blogger

February 14, 2012

… because I have to welcome my dear friend, the Doyenne of Dumbo, as my first GUEST BLOGGER!

I wanted to post a montage of heinous pants, but I promised her she’d get to be post #600.  Faithful readers will immediately be able to figure out which part of this piece I am currently OMGing over.  And here we go!

My Name is Not Susan

By DD

Upon waking up from my disco nap on Saturday, I found out that Whitney Houston died. My dear friend who introduced me to colorful resin ’80s vintage earrings and who does not shy away from spontaneously belting out a R&B classic fittingly broke the news of the latest celebrity death via mass text message. My husband was excited for the Whitney tribute! Everyone was talking about Ms. Houston on the Lower East Side that night.  “Did you know that Whitney Houston died?” a loud girl exclaimed obviously on the corner of Ludlow Street. Who didn’t?  Each of Whitney’s songs was memorialized with its own hash tag; Twitter was exploding as were the cramped quarters of our BYO sushi spot with a spontaneous restaurant-wide dance party.  Someone had propitiously switched the iPod to a medley of the late chanteuse’s greatest hits!

Needless to say, waking up too early on Sunday morning hungover with no cell phone and another dead pop star was not pleasant. Luckily, Whitney Houston left behind a moving collection of music videos that helped ease the pain of my loss. My neighbors probably wanted to kill me (or maybe they too were having a rough morning?) as I watched Whitney’s greatest music videos lying in bed on full volume.  I was mesmerized by the power of her voice and 1980’s fashion statements. In her 1987 hit, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody,” Whitney, resplendent in her signature floppy silk headband (leopard print), rocks a perm, neon knits and multiple shades of pastel eyeshadow.  Her beautiful voice conveys a deep longing, which, as evidenced by last night, continues to move many a drunken party girl to gleefully engage in some embarrassing throwback choreography.   Rewind to 1985: I watch a hardworking and earnest pop star, juxtaposed with an aspiring young performer (meta Whitney?) in the video for “Greatest Love of All.” The message here:

“I believe the children are our future/

Teach them well and let them lead the way/

Show them all the beauty they possess inside”

is all about learning to love yourself. Probably not a hard concept for Whitney during the decade of excess. She shines in a big gold hoops and a black leather motorcycle jacket fringed in copper, then dons a flashy silver sequin gown with elaborate rhinestone earrings/earmuffs for the final scene in which she sings to throngs of adoring fans. Whitney Houston was at the helm of the billboard charts when I was an uncoordinated 3rd grader taking hip-hop dance in the 1990s.  I was very surprised when my tough middle school crush was moved to tears by Whitney’s performance in The Bodyguard.  Yet, I’m still empowered by her rendition of Chaka Kahn’s “I’m Every Woman,” a much-needed message of girl power in the R&B canon. Whitney Houston brings us back to a time when pop stars could really sing and songs were true musical productions, rich with instrumentation (check out Kenny G’s cameo in “Saving All My Love For You”) and synthesizers.

Whitney’s 4-Octave vocal range and soul legacy upbringing were the true marks the world famous singer. Yet by the 1990’s we see our sweet Whitney embroiled in an identity crisis (“My Name is Not Susan”), and attempting to cross over to hip-hop with material that is not exactly hardcore and white overalls that could pass for a painter’s uniform. The hardworking singer’s marriage to bad boy hip-hop legend Bobby Brown is a surprising pairing of industry names and does little for her image.

The day after she passed away, as I watched Whitney Houston in the video for her 1999 comeback single, “It’s Not Right but It’s OK,” I began to feel a little better.  Whitney, looking pretty with a sleek new do and smoky eyes, had fought hard her to restore her pedigree. This diva, post-divorce, was not taking shit from anyone. While I could not stop myself from singing off key throughout my homemade video tribute, I was perhaps most excited to see Whitney shine in “My Love is Your Love,” a song which never fails bring me back to my first taste of freedom: spending the summer in Paris with my best friend, hanging out on the Champs Elysee and watching a very zen Whitney, in a trench coat and afro, pay homage to 70s style and rule the charts on MTV Europe.

Fast forward to 2005: Whitney Houston’s hits are relegated to the playlists of our 80s themed parties in college but she finds her way back into our discourse with her erratic behavior on her ex- husband’s reality TV show, Being Bobby Brown.  In light of our own habits, we had no doubts our beloved Whitney was on drugs. We knew she had recently sojourned to the holy land of Israel where she was hosted in the middle of nowhere desert town of Dimona by the African Hebrew Israelites, a vegan polygamist group who believe a former bus driver from Chicago was their messiah.  (He is currently mourning the passing of  his “spiritual daughter.”)  Whitney’s bizarre attempt at spiritual rebirth before her 40th birthday did little to save the troubled star. We continued to see her in the tabloids, her expression, which in the ‘80s may have signified a glorious high note, stuck in a grotesque and messy manifestation of her alleged crack habit. Whitney tried to be a better role model for her fans during an interview with Diane Sawyer.  “First of all, let’s get one thing straight. Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let’s get that straight. Okay? We don’t do crack. We don’t do that. Crack is wack.”

Whitney’s vast fortune could not save her from herself and rumors of her bankruptcy were not so hard to believe (drugs are expensive!). Sunday’s New York Post headline “Queen of Pop” places Whitney on the same pedestal as Michael Jackson, whose drug habits also proved insurmountable.  Will we continue to be “So Emotional” over Whitney Houston’s passing? Most likely not. I’ll let ID elaborate on the theme of losing another mega-star to addiction, a time honored tradition in our society, yet one that keeps us asking, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All?”

Things I Would Like To Write About

February 10, 2012

Part of me wants to outline in detail all my pitches here in the hopes that Hamish Bowles or Sally Singer or Sam Tanenhaus or someone editorial at Harper’s will stumble across it and give me mad dough to research all these things, but as that’s unlikely to happen, I will instead give snippets and keep the meat of the ideas for a rainy day.

1. A small Arab bookseller in Jerusalem

2. An ill-fated cult leader in Texas

3. A mysterious grave in Recoleta Cemetery in Buenos Aires

4. The ashram of the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, today

5. Going off anti-depressants –– forever

6. And, of course, this:

Hands on a Hardbody, the new musical by Pulitzer Prize winner Doug Wright, Amanda Green and Phish band member Trey Anastasio, will have its world premiere at the La Jolla Playhouse beginning April 27, 2012.

La Jolla Playhouse commissioned the musical based on the 1997 documentary film of the same title about a small-town endurance contest to win a hardbody truck. The musical received a private New York City reading in April.

Neil Pepe (Speed-the-Plow) and Benjamin Millipied (Black Swan), who directed and choreographed the readings, respectively, will return for the La Jolla production that will run through June 10, 2012, in the Mandell Weiss Theatre.

Hands on a Hardbody has a book by Wright (I Am My Own Wife), with a score by composer-lyricist Green (High Fidelity, Bring It On) and Grammy-nominated composer Anastasio.

According to La Jolla, “When an auto dealership in Longview, TX launches an endurance contest, ten economically-strapped strangers embark on a journey that puts their hearts, minds and bodies to the test. The contestant who keeps at least one hand on a brand-new hardbody truck the longest gets to drive it off the lot. What initially seems like a mere publicity stunt soon becomes a soul-baring battle of wills. Only one can win, but for all involved, the truck holds the key to their own private American dream.”

Highlight

February 10, 2012

HSD: Are we still on for drinks on monday?

Me: We are definitely on for Monday.  Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to go?  My friend tends bar at —–, have been meaning to head over there for a while and say hello to her and see if we can get some buy backs.  Could be nice, could be slammed, but it is Monday –– or do people drink more on Mondays to forget their work-related sadness?

Oh great, I just realized I’m at a crossroads in my professional life and you would be a great person to talk to about this.  (After all, it is a DAY, so of course I’m at a crossroads.  My house is built at a fork in the way.)

HSD: The parenthetical at the end of your email sounded like an Emily Dickinson poem.  I even googled it to see if it was, but apparently not.  I would looove to talk about professional crossroads; mine also seem to be permanent.

Me: Ooo, well, the first paragraph of this email just totally made my day, and it’s not even noon yet!  I’m submitting that one sentence to poetry journals, btw.

The Visual Equivalent of How I Feel Today

February 8, 2012

DO YOU LOVE ME!?! DO YOU???

 

Flaneurette

February 7, 2012

I just read a very interesting article on the never-quite-risen “cyber flaneur” and the death of wandering through the Internet at the hands of everyone’s favorite scapegoat, Facebook.  (I say that without rancor –– I loathe Facebook, and realize that now I sound like a bandwagon hater/bleeding heart Luddite, the latter of which I am, the former I am most certainly not.)  I don’t even want to share the article with you because the writer does his job so well that I feel guilty even about recommending anything to anyone, virtually or otherwise, but I will point to the adorability of the fact that, “there were reports of flâneurs taking turtles for a walk.”  Can you imagine, Andre Breton walking little Skipperdee?

Do I deign to call myself a cyber-flaneur?

One thing the writer sort of fails to mention, though, is that unfortunately, a lot of the flaneuristic (neologism alert) works that came out of the surrealists (and various fringe groups) were just pretty bad.  They lacked the same thing that Facebook and Twitter do now: a narrative arc.  God grant me a plotline!

Not My Market

February 3, 2012

I get a newsletter written by a perpetually cheerful (euphemism) North Carolina woman named Hope Clark called “Funds for Writers.”  It’s a pretty good newsletter, actually, but sometimes I wonder, who has money to pay for stuff like this?

 

BIRDS AND BLOOM BACKYARD BLUNDER CONTEST

—

NO ENTRY FEE

Do you have a funny birding or gardening story to share from your backyard? We want to hear it! Send us your best “backyard blunder,” and the winning story will receive $500. To enter, email your true story (no more than 400 words) to contests@birdsandblooms.com. Please put “backyard blunder contest” in the subject line. Deadline March 15, 2012.

––

 

Alas, I have no backyard blunder stories… or maybe I do, but they certainly don’t involve birds or gardening.

Shhhhhhh

February 3, 2012

Is Mercury in retrograde?

I feel strange, and unproductive.  Not sad, exactly, but anxious about letting go.  My day is over, though –– no hope for finishing one last manuscript tonight –– so I’m attempting to sooth myself to sleep by thinking of things simple and beautiful to me right now: Bemelman’s Bar, pajama t-shirts, Shlomo Carlebach whistling, the ocean (the Surf Hotel on Block Island!), blissfully long airplane rides, the sound of typing, Vladimir Nabokov, e.g.:

“Her painted eyelids were closed.  A tear of no particular meaning gemmed in the hard top of her cheek.  Nobody could tell what went on in that little head.  Waves of desire rippled there, a recent lover fell back into a swoon, hygienic doubts were raised and dismissed, contempt for everyone but herself advertised with a flush of warmth its constant presence, here it is, cried what’s her name squatting quickly.  My darling, dushka moya…”

The smell of straight vanilla extract, listening to children speak French, bouquets of hydrangeas, worry dolls, hot whiskey drinks, and Shel Silverstein’s picture of love.

It was love at first sight for Belinda and Benjamin Box.

Remind me to tell you tomorrow what my new dream job is.

Goodnight…

This is About Me

February 1, 2012

I have my writing group tonight, and we have decided, as we are very intelligent and efficient ladies, to make every other meeting of ours a WORKING DATE, meaning we have to sit and write away and try not to distract each other too much.  Sadly, all my current projects (or most, anyway) require a mastery of my own snark, and I happen to feel very melancholy/feverish/low energy right now.  What to do?  Must look way back on the docket for something unfinished –– perhaps the story of the child piano prodigy who goes insane while trying to learn John Cage’s “4’33”?

I do so much want this sheet music framed.

Yes, this feels right.  I can do this while listening to Helen Grimaud, and thinking about her strange love of wolves, picturing her as Isabelle Huppert in The Piano Teacher (eek!)  This will all work, right?

But first, a short screening of “What to Eat, How to Get It,” from the archives of Soto Presentando.

 

This Chick Totally Gets Me

January 17, 2012

So I have an essay published in an e-forum somewhere (let the scavenger hunt begin) and I must admit I’ve been reading the comments and basing my self-worth heavily on the reactions of the readers, and there’s one comment that knocked the wind out of me:

Gabriella on January 4, 2012 at 1:18 am

I am quite speechless. This is just raw. Really looking into the abyss, I’ll be damned if I didn’t get a bit of vertigo.

GABRIELLA, WHERE ARE YOU?!  It’s so clear that you totally understand me, and we were meant to be together!  Let’s shut ourselves up in my attic lair and read dark Russian literature all day and switch to French surrealism at night.  You can be the Didi to my Gogo, and I the Raskolnikov to your Sonya.  Only to you can I reveal my still-alive love of Tori Amos, and only to me can you talk candidly about the abyss.  I been there, girl.

Literary Musings

January 5, 2012

Text from ID to IS: Should I write an essay on the ouevre of James Franco or would that suck because I’d actually have to read his books?

Response: That would suck.  You’d have to read the word “gaze” a lot.  But you could tease out the double entendre of his homosexuality gaze/gays.  But that sucks, too.  So, no.

ID: Dammit, I thought I had my first good idea in a while.